eos_nyxia

"The Great Reset"

4 posts in this topic

No matter how far I go along, old stuff feels like dead weight. So I wipe the slate of memory and start, over and over again.

The eternal is beyond memory.

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Posted (edited)

God, finish ridding me of all these people. Every single last one. I do not want them anywhere near me. Not in my space, not in my range of vision, not to see me and feel me, not to be seen and felt. Not truly. Not too much. Not for too long. Sever these overly personal ties and never look back. A blank slate for a new era. Let the openness between us and all things mean absolutely-nothing. Let it be a Pure Void. An utter vacuum. Let my name and presence be less than nothing in this world; I wish to have feet so light that I'm invisible. Let my memory in every single form and incarnation be wiped off the face of this Earth. Let me be forgotten. Let these words be the words of an unidentifiable stranger.

If I could press a button and instantly make this happen, I would. Without a second thought. I would smile and bless it.

They do not deserve me at my best and most pure. So instead I write all these other words, writing around in circles for what I would never bother to think as thoughts in my own mind otherwise. Thoughts vaguely in the shape of "blame": not to sink into and become that feeling myself, but to keep my walls up. A mere functionality. A screen door to keep the draftiness out. And so I cause myself pain indirectly but knowingly, and continue to refuse to share what might still be most beneficial and worth sharing. I could share myself... but "ick". How distasteful to continue to slip into the role of the martyr yet again when I didn't even want to read the casting notes for that role to start with.  

.....so my heart feels. So I can't help but tell myself.  The walls mean survival and self-advocacy.

I almost relish being judged for my "flaws" deeply and shoving them in people's faces, for muting myself and making myself shine less brightly, even if it's much more subtle these days, because then you don't know or see me. I deflect to remain unmolested in the ways I desire to not been seen, touched, or reached. I do not wish to attract and be in the company of thieves. So please. React to my facade. (Or better yet, do not see me at all.)

The price of being like an adult as a child, and letting your family and sometimes the whole world heap their sins onto you, to inject their sins underneath your skin, until you make yourself want to vomit. You've become more like them.  Once I accepted this as a necessary cost to understand the world and people as they are, now I reject it because I have seen and felt more than enough.

In the end, every single last one of them is the same. No better or worse than my blood family. So I tell myself to move on with the business of living. (Which is precisely why I sorted things out with my birth family to the best of my ability when it never would have been my first choice to start with. Not right now, not in this order, and not with no other viable options.) They never bother showing up when you need them anyway; I have seen that truth and have not been able to unsee it. Which is why there is literally even nothing worth missing in their absence. They act as if they have the best of intentions but intentions are worth nothing on their own. They show up with their judgemental eyes, at times, daring to expose your weak and vulnerable spots to the world, when it is not their business to share or speak for your life story, your will, dreams, and desires. They don't know how their words and intentions and carelessness violate you just the same. They speak OVER YOU and they say that they speak for you... or as you!

Why though? Why any of this?

There is the part of me that craves validation and accepts this as "love" and "appreciation". Wow, you took the time to see me, or you can't help yourself. Thanks for that! On some level, the judgemental part of myself finds this pathetic, so I put up the walls. I choose to tell myself that in the end, they all are no better than your birth family. They were all liars... and thieves. They stole my inborn radiance and love and used it to furnish their own sense of "a life"... leaving me with what, exactly? And offering what in return, exactly? Good intentions?  My birth family had good intentions too, apparently. And It is true enough.

I could think and feel more positively about all these people. I could make other choices. That is entirely within my power... but why? Why should I, especially should I manage to not suffer for it? And if I should, should I not only do this purely on my own time to my own standard? (That could very well never be in this life.) Why?

And if you don't miss me, good. It saves everyone some trouble, doesn't it?

They either lied and justified their moral weakness to save themselves the fear and discomfort of seeing your pain, and what they did suffer, they did not need to be inconvenienced with you in any real way when it actually mattered. (Not that I ever wanted to be an inconvenience, but....) They could have made other choices other than to be absent, but they didn't. This whole time. They made their choices and now they're living with it, as you are. In the end, you survived all alone just the same without them. In spite of them all.

And now they conveniently come around like the outcome of everything has been some sort of accident. Like cluelessness is some sort of meaningful excuse.

No, you chose not to look. You had the luxury not to look. You had the luxury to be weak and call it goodwill. (Good for you. I guess I'm not like you.)

For some reason, they make you responsible for their souls and their morality as if that's supposed to be some sort of compliment. All this tells me is that I have probably been of use to you once again. So glad to have been of service, and it seems I still am of service. So much for the family outside of my family. The pretense of loving or caring for me has always been worse than the open lack of it.

 

 

Edited by eos_nyxia

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Posted (edited)

And when I choose to override all sense and pretense of bitterness and to dissolve these walls, to be open, to be positive, to be "easy to love" once again, to bring my most constructive energy to this world, to be wholly present...... know that it was a purely rational choice. Not because you compelled or inspired or pleaded for me to. Not because of anyone's "good intentions". Certainly not because someone else thought that I needed some sort of attitude adjustment to be palatable and presentable, for the privilege of being "ideal" once again.... least of all myself, as if had not had more than enough of that in my early life.

Until then, may we pass some more time and entertain ourselves with judgement and conflict.

And may I happily be absent from it all in any meaningful way to me personally, as much as possible.

Edited by eos_nyxia

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