I wish I had a more attractive girlfriend (like my friends)

[woohoo123]

Disclaimer: Apologies I know I sound extremely crude and shallow, but this is where I am right now. I do not mean to offend or disrespect anyone, appreciate sincere wisdom. 

Issue:

Every time I open my social media I see my friends with more attractive partners than I have. We are in similar life situations, I feel like I should have a partner like that too. I feel jealous and I often fantasize about having a more attractive girlfriend. 

You could ask why do I feel jealous? 

Do I feel inadequate? I guess so yes. Their partner outshines mine. But at the same time doesn't everyone want an attractive partner?

I have been with my current girlfriend for a few years now and things are going well. No issues there. She is by no means unattractive, its just I often see more attractive women and I wish I were with them instead. 

I am in my late-twenties now, and I notice a lot of girls who I had a crush on a few years back dating men who I consider to be 'lesser' than I am. I wonder how (the women) really feel, is this really the prince charming they had wanted all their life? Something tells me no, and they are just doing the best they can.

I also feel jealous of the single men who can cycle through and have sex with those women. Like goddamn I wish I were still single so I could have the opportunity. 

Internal conflict

I am conflicted because part of me knows I am buying into a fantasy. There is more to a relationship than sex. Part of me tells me the relationship I have is fine and I should continue nourishing it. I recognise I have a porn addiction and somehow it maybe fuelling this YOLO fantasy I have to have sex with more hot women.

I am jealous of the single man because they have great opportunity to have sex and that is exciting. 

I am jealous of men in relationships with more attractive partners than me, because I wish your wife were mine (for the sex but also the status and pride you feel from having a beautiful woman by your side).

I feel at a loss because its like I am never happy with what I have.

A few years ago I set out on a similar journey, to have sex with women so I could 'get over this hump' as it were. So that's what I did, half a dozen women later... but I still feel the same as I did back then. I could sleep with a dozen more, 20, 30 I feel like I would not gain anything. My sexual desire is insatiable. I would get old having slept with hundreds of women....... and start to regret my life decisions. At that point I will probably want love.

Maybe I have a sex addiction or something?

What to do?

If I break up with my gf and sleep with new women, I know it will be fun for a while but I will just end up in the same situation I am in now. Perhaps a new woman who may be (more or less attractive) and still getting jealous of people on social media.

Getting a more attractive woman to make yourself feel better (to me) reeks of fallacy (especially if the woman you’re with now isn’t ugly), in the same way if you have money, chasing more money isn’t necessarily the answer. 

Yet at the same time, in my current state I feel saddened to see attractive women slipping through my fingers.

I don’t quite know how to make sense of it, can anyone help?

[Emerald]

Break up with her, and let her find someone else who does find her attractive. That’s the first thing.

But if you want to explore into this and not run into the same problem in your next relationship, then you’ll have to figure out exactly what need this fantasy is serving.

Once you know where the fantasy is coming from, you can figure out what you’re really looking for and can go directly toward it.

Edit: I suppose you can work through this in this relationship if you really want to keep it going. But it’s common for people who have this issue to exhaust the fantasy and find it empty of what they’re looking for. And you probably won’t be able to do that in a relationship.

Edited February 19, 2023 by Emerald

[Devin]

This is the problem with makeup/instagram culture, we don't have a great idea what women really look like until AFTER you're sleeping with them. It's bad for men and women. Your friends girls may not be as attractive as they appear in the settings you're seeing them in.

[Something Funny]

@Emerald it's incredible how you, being a woman, are able to be so chill about the topic and give sensible advise instead of getting triggered and attacking the op. 

Truly something to look up to.

[Raze]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-hpjM_NNFQw

[Emerald]

2 hours ago, Something Funny said:

@Emerald it's incredible how you, being a woman, are able to be so chill about the topic and give sensible advise instead of getting triggered and attacking the op. 

Truly something to look up to.

This type of thing creates a weak foundation for the relationship, because it puts things in a double bind.

Part of him wants the relationship to continue. And part of him wants to seek experiences with other women.

And if you chase two rabbits, you catch none.

This drive could come from a desire for experience which can eventually be satiated. 

Or it could come from a psychological dynamic around shame and the desire for validation, which can be understood and unwired with deeper work.

But until one or both of these things happen, the biggest nightmare will be if a romantic relationship is going well. And part of him will hope for its demise.

And this is not a good relationship to be in for either partner.

His girlfriend will feel this ambivalence and it may create insecurity.

And I view it as a relationship best practice that a woman should not stay with a man who doesn’t properly appreciate her.

Let her find someone who is sure about her.

[Natasha Tori Maru]

Emerald really hit the nail on the head with this one.

 

Looking at the internal friction you have expressed: I would add that you are comparing yourself to others and looking/seeking for what you perceive as lacking. Looking for errors & correcting them is par the course for the human brain. We learn by failing most effectively. It follows that its quite natural to default to comparisons & this feeling of internal conflict.

 

The opposite to this would be gratitude, and altering ones perception to appreciating the qualities and things you do have. This acts in opposition to focusing on what you do not have. Do you think you would experience this friction to the same level as you currently do, if social media did not act as a conduit for comparison?

 

This is undoubtably contributing to the sting of 'The Grass is Always Greener'. There will always be someone who has more. I hope this helps

[Something Funny]

6 hours ago, Emerald said:

And I view it as a relationship best practice that a woman should not stay with a man who doesn’t properly appreciate her.

Let her find someone who is sure about he

That's what triggered me the most about this post.

Imagine your partner thinking that you are inferior to somebody else's bf/gf in some way and being insecure about being with you.

Only staying with you cause they are too comfortable or can't find anyone better.

If they tell you about it, it would for sure hurt as hell. But it's still what I would prefer. The worst scenario is being totally oblivious about it and spending a few years of your life in suach a relationship. Or even getting married because they "came around" eventually and didn'ttell you about any of those inner struggles. That's actually scary to think about. 

[Something Funny]

@woohoo123 if I were you I would be more insercure about caring about how you look in the eyes of others so much, your pettiness, having no spine, and essentially not being grounded in you own values and purpose.

This is an antithesis of what being a man is.

[Emerald]

10 hours ago, Something Funny said:

That's what triggered me the most about this post.

Imagine your partner thinking that you are inferior to somebody else's bf/gf in some way and being insecure about being with you.

Only staying with you cause they are too comfortable or can't find anyone better.

If they tell you about it, it would for sure hurt as hell. But it's still what I would prefer. The worst scenario is being totally oblivious about it and spending a few years of your life in suach a relationship. Or even getting married because they "came around" eventually and didn'ttell you about any of those inner struggles. That's actually scary to think about. 

It would be very upsetting. That’s one of the main reasons that breaking up would be a good idea as it would allow her the ability to find someone else.

But these feelings are common to come up for people… especially men who are conditioned to equate their self-worth with sexual validation from attractive women. And this mythos is very commonly reinforced by society.

Plus, there could be other more personal dynamics at play… like transferring the need for parental validation onto women. And this, always seeking new women to validate them… like feeding a hungry ghost.

And there is a dynamic that I call ‘relationship mirages’ where a person goes seeking for repressed aspects of themselves in another person. But once they know that person, that person becomes a poor screen to project their repressed traits upon. And so, they go seeking another blank screen. Some brand new person. And the cycle continues.

But as triggering as this can be, it’s important to understand these dynamic are complex and never consciously chosen. And they are not something that a person can just decide not to want. And shame only exacerbates the issue.

These dynamics require a lot of deep work or the person afflicted will never feel truly content in a relationship… even if they really want one.

[Devin]

I don't think he should tell her his reason for breaking up is attractiveness, that seems to be suggested.

I might go with I have some internal work to do that is keeping us from taking our relationship to the next level, I need time without a relationship, and I don't think it would be fair to you to continue this while I work on this if I could anyway because I've realised I'm not even ready for what we currently have, our relationship can't be healthy until I figure this out....

[Ulax]

@woohoo123 Hey dude, I welcome your post, and I don't judge you for your state of mind.

I would recommend getting into deep inner work. My intuition tells me that your desire for the attractive women is not really a desire for an attractive women. Instead, what you really desire is to feel worthy of something, i.e. love/ respect. And, in your life so far you have unconsciously, and perhaps consciously, concluded that to be worthy of that thing some others must perceive you in a certain way. And, that getting a similarly deemed attractive standard of women you are with is a means of getting others to perceive you in a worthy enough way.

If I am right in my interpretation, and you do not do inner psychological work, then you will be controlled by this standard for worthiness you have, at least, unconsciously chosen for yourself. And I imagine even if you get this higher attractiveness partner this standard for worthiness will re-emerge in different ways in your life.

So, based on these interpretations of mine, I would recommend doing inner psychological work with an attempt to change your standard of worth to being simply your existence, i.e. you are worthy of love/ respect purely by virtue of existing.

Some examples of what you could do are things like inner child work, IFS therapy, humanistic therapy, primal therapy, journaling about your childhood.

[woohoo123]

Thankyou all for the responses. Reading through these has made me realize a few things.

On further reflection, I also observed that somehow I feel 'better' when I see an attractive/successful man with a partner who people would deem not as attractive. It somehow makes me feel better about my situation, somehow as if it is more 'acceptable'. Almost like oh if he's happy and confident, then perhaps I can be too.

The more I reflect the more I realize you guys are right, its definitely more about self-worth than sex. Somehow though it had not been as clear before.

Thanks again

[Eyowey]

The outside is a reflection of the inside so it's not shallow to care about it. Two options. Stuff her with healthy foods and fresh air so her appearance improves or find someone better.

[Something Funny]

3 hours ago, Emerald said:

Plus, there could be other more personal dynamics at play… like transferring the need for parental validation onto women. And this, always seeking new women to validate them… like feeding a hungry ghost.

You think it's less common for women? I don't mean being insecure about your partner's looks, but settling for someone you don't really like and bullshitting them in general?

[Emerald]

1 minute ago, Something Funny said:

You think it's less common for women? I don't mean being insecure about your partner's looks, but settling for someone you don't really like and bullshitting them in general?

It’s especially common in men because of the societal mythos around personal validation coming from having sex with very attractive women.

There’s tons of messaging that tells boys/men… to be valid, you have to be a man. And to be a man, you have to have sex with lots of attractive women.

So, tons of men end up feeling like they’re not living up to the masculine standards enough and feel shame…. Which creates a desire to seek validation through the conquest of women.

But the transference element is equally common in both men and women. It just doesn’t tend to take that form as often in women because our societal mythos is so different and often contradictory. (I.e. Everyone wants women to be sexual, but when you are you get slut shamed)

So the transference tends to happen differently for different women. It isn’t as predictable of a projection pattern as it is for men.

But neither of these inherently entails consciously bullshitting your partner. It’s about feeling like some key to your happiness/salvation is being impeded by  being in a relationship. It gives the illusion that the cure to your soul sickness exists in romantic or sexual validation from others.

Some people dealing with these issues really love their partners and feel very torn… but still have this fantasy of getting validation outside the relationship can’t be achieved within it.

[Something Funny]

19 minutes ago, Emerald said:

But neither of these inherently entails consciously bullshitting your partner. It’s about feeling like some key to your happiness/salvation is being impeded by  being in a relationship. It gives the illusion that the cure to your soul sickness exists in romantic or sexual validation from others.

Some people dealing with these issues really love their partners and feel very torn… but still have this fantasy of getting validation outside the relationship can’t be achieved within it

You are right, but still, how do you deal with / avoid such people?

For example what advise would you give to this girl?

I mean yeah, sure, she should probably leave him. But how does she learn that this is the way this guy feels about her? How can you screen such people out?

Edit: how do you know that your partner is not like that for example? What if you spend 20 years with a person and this is how they feel about you all the time?

Edited February 20, 2023 by Something Funny

[Emerald]

1 hour ago, Something Funny said:

You are right, but still, how do you deal with / avoid such people?

For example what advise would you give to this girl?

I mean yeah, sure, she should probably leave him. But how does she learn that this is the way this guy feels about her? How can you screen such people out?

Edit: how do you know that your partner is not like that for example? What if you spend 20 years with a person and this is how they feel about you all the time?

Usually you can sense a person’s ambivalence in a case like that of the OP.