MDMA Report - God Is Infinite Love. I Am Not Ready Yet.

[Sincerity]

After a lot of contemplation (frequent deep sessions) and tough groundwork (facing fears, shame, letting go of attachments) in the past 2 months I decided to shut the eff up and go balls to the wall with observing direct experience and reaching a state from which I would recognize Myself again. So today I took ~150mg of MDMA to help me with that. Here's what I experienced.

My intention was to become as conscious as I can and BE in that state, instead of trying to break it down, contemplating it to death, trying to somehow save the state, etc. But also I vowed to accept anything I experience (or not), so that I'm not disappointed and love whatever I get. I learned from my previous experiences that it's stupid to have expectations for trips. EDIT: (Or did I? hahaha)

So I sat on the floor with my back leaned against the bed and stayed there for most of the trip, focusing on consciousness and subtly asking myself "What is all of this?" in silence, with eyes either closed or open.

After about half an hour the effects started kicking in. I began to feel really relaxed and comfortable in my body. Probably one of the greatest pleasures I've experienced. I became present like never before and it was amazing! I've never been as much in the NOW as during this trip. While it should have been apparent to me already, here I was shown the true magic of Presence. God is Absolute NOW! Everything is happening NOW! Reality is NOW! The more NOW You are, the more conscious You are.

Connected to this was the consciousness of the deep profundity of I am what I am. I AM what I AM in this moment NOW! And it cannot be otherwise. God is what IS, RIGHT NOW! That's what God is! The mistake is wanting what IS to be what is not.

As I said before my intention was to go balls to the wall with consciousness. While I was observing the present moment and basking in its beauty suddenly words came to me which I uttered out loud.

"I want to Awaken."

I was taken aback. Not only because of what I said (I've repeated this a few times in my life already), but mainly by the sincerity behind these words. These fucking words were sincere! I can probably count on one hand sentences that I've spoken aloud which were really TRUE. This was one of them! But God responded:

You are not ready yet.

I was even more surprised. I was surprised because I recognized this was also true! And a small relief came upon me. Of course I'm not ready. Duuh. I still can't accept so much I'm pretty much a child, haha.

I asked God "Am I ever going to be ready?". He said Yes. Then I had a light-bulb moment and asked "In the moment of death?" and He responded with " ". Just so You know, I'm not giving these conversations with God very much weight because I'm taking into consideration I might be deluding myself. But so far this mentorship has been incredibly helpful to me.

So I didn't Awaken. But God didn't leave me empty-handed. After more observation and focusing I became conscious that God is Infinite Love. It was Love so unbiased, deep and indiscriminate that I couldn't believe it. Endless and Unconditional.

What I find funny is that I felt a bit butthurt that this Love wasn't reserved for "me". I saw it is Unbiased and Universal and it stung me in the ass. Isn't that hilarious?  Just a devil being a devil. I noticed this feeling and moved on.

See, God is Absolute Self-Love. Here I'm connecting the previous 3 big points: (1) Presence, (2) I AM what I AM and (3) Infinite Love. God is Absolutely Itself, Absolutely NOW and God Loves Itself Infinitely. It's amazing.

Infinite Love. ♾️ Endless, Unconditional, Universal, Unbiased. Infinite Love of what IS, AKA God = Self = Reality.

Experiencing this Love felt healing and freeing. It made me utter the next set of sincere words: "I'm sorry I'm not as loving as You. I'm sorry I am so weak. I'm sorry I can't accept everything". And of course it was okay. I Love You anyways, God said. I Am You, always. I remember feeling undeserving of this Love. And the third and last set of words was "I want to be like You". This one honestly brings me to tears the most. Again, it's the sincerity behind it! "I want to be like You" is surrender. It's redemption. The devil surrendering to God, inspired by His Goodness and Love.

But of course I'm not ready to surrender yet. I am what I am --> If I am unready, I am unready. Today I've been working on accepting this state as much as possible, because that's what IS NOW. I suppose what I really have to do with my work is just accept more and more what Is in the present moment, it's not that complicated.

Infinite Love also made me realize that I Am God is half the truth. The other half is "I am not God" simply because I can't love as much. Or maybe "I am limited" or "I am human" is a better way to convey this point. The discrepancy between my love and God's Love is Infinite, literally, which I find a bit saddening. Three months ago when I asked God whether I am Him he responded with Yes and no. You're not fully conscious of Me. But I was too dumb to listen.

So yeah. That's it I guess. Honestly I think my main lesson from this trip is that I gotta accept, accept, accept! God's Love inspired me to love more like Him. God is an Endless Source of Wisdom, Love and Inspiration. God is the Greatest Mentor. I suggest You get in touch with Him! (btw, in this thread I was mostly referring to God as "He" for simplicity's sake. Of course God is not male.)

Thanks for reading. Check out my other reports if You wish. You might get inspired. Cya!

Edited January 25 by Sincerity

[Leo Gura]

Dude, you did Awaken. That was some solid Awakening! Of course you can go deeper but this is a great start. Just take some time to integrate and try again.

I am 200 trips in and I still have awakenings which are too deep for me to fathom and accept.

[Sincerity]

55 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

Dude, you did Awaken. That was some solid Awakening!

🤷‍♂️ Might be. But I'm looking to get knocked off my feet. Even though the report is long the trip was fairly short and didn't go as deep as I'd want. Dammit, these expectations again...

I'm just itching to know what I am.

55 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

Of course you can go deeper but this is a great start. Just take some time to integrate and try again.

I am 200 trips in and I still have awakenings which are too deep for me to fathom and accept.

Thanks for the advice and support as always 

Edited January 25 by Sincerity

[Matt23]

1 hour ago, Sincerity said:

God responded:

You are not ready yet.

 

1 hour ago, Sincerity said:

I'm not giving these conversations with God very much weight because I'm taking into consideration I might be deluding myself

That was my first consideration when reading what you wrote on "not being ready yet".  Sus in my mind, but then again I wasn't having your experience so I dunno. 

[Sincerity]

9 minutes ago, Matt23 said:

That was my first consideration when reading what you wrote on "not being ready yet".  Sus in my mind, but then again I wasn't having your experience so I dunno. 

Yeah I get the suspicion. The context is that three months ago on MDMA I sort of unlocked the ability to talk with God with my intuition. I've made pages and pages of Q&As. Nowadays I'm doing it only sometimes. I'm careful not to fall into delusion.

Words are meaningless anyway. Direct experience is what matters. I even spoke about it with Him and He told me exactly that.

On the other hand, what I was told proves to be very true and I'd be wise to follow it I think.

Edited January 25 by Sincerity

[Michael Jackson]

Liked the report.

For me awakening means fully realizing what YOU are.

Sounds like your encounter with God included a duality between yourself and God.

The totality of God is what you really are. Realizing this is awakening. When that happens, there is no more talking to God. You become God.

This dual way of seeing God is nontheless very important and has a lot value. At least that's what I think.

[Sincerity]

@Michael Jackson Yes, exactly! That's why I'm feeling a bit unsatisfied  

But I can't complain. I thought about it and I was literally shown Infinite Love. I don't want to be ingrateful, especially if I am to accept the present moment. I'm a little emotional right now and I need integration time I guess.

[Michael Jackson]

@Sincerity Take your time! Love yourself!

You will eventually realize it. If not today, sometime in the future.

Also listen to the following song from 2:50 at least for 30 seconds. It is important to skip to 2:50. UNless you listen to the entire thing.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CoIgksfrF2M&ab_channel=BojanMiljkovic

[Thought Art]

@Sincerity Yeah, MDMA can make ya a little emotional ahaha 

I personally have only tried low Doses and haven’t had any profound experiences… just a bit of being too emotionally reactive.

[Sincerity]

1 hour ago, Michael Jackson said:

@Sincerity Take your time! Love yourself!

❤️

1 hour ago, Michael Jackson said:

You will eventually realize it. If not today, sometime in the future.

Of course. There is no alternative. 

1 hour ago, Michael Jackson said:

Also listen to the following song from 2:50 at least for 30 seconds. It is important to skip to 2:50. UNless you listen to the entire thing.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CoIgksfrF2M&ab_channel=BojanMiljkovic

Damn, this actually had an effect on me. Thanks brotha!

1 hour ago, Thought Art said:

@Sincerity Yeah, MDMA can make ya a little emotional ahaha 

I personally have only tried low Doses and haven’t had any profound experiences… just a bit of being too emotionally reactive.

I'm way past the trip already but something got to me now.. It's okay 

Edited January 25 by Sincerity

[Pudgey]

Great job!

[Vincent S]

Beautiful 🙏🏻

[Sincerity]

@Pudgey @Vincent S Thanks guys  

[OBEler]

@Sincerity nice awakening! How was your Setting, Did you hear music all the time in the background, were you sitting with eyes open all the time? Were you alone? 

[Sincerity]

Yesterday at night some feelings arose in me that I wasn't expecting. Bitterness, sadness, overwhelm with my own expectations for myself, desperation, nervousness, anger. They weren't present during the trip or the next 6+ hours but I'm guessing they might have appeared in part because of the after effects.

I became bitter and sad with the trip not being deep enough (supposedly). It's once again the issue of "MY will be done" instead of "Thy Will be done". It's the opposite of surrender and obvious proof for me that I have a lot more work to do before something bigger. God Absolutely Loves the state of asleepness and unreadiness - why can't I? I've reflected upon these feelings and I feel more accepting now. Everything is at it should be.

I think the Unbiasedness of God/Infinite Love is what amazed me the most yesterday. God really Loves everything EQUALLY! As I mentioned it actually stung me in the ass and I'm so happy I noticed this clearly because I literally caught the devil in the act! I saw my egotism standing completely naked in broad daylight, hahaha. I'd say that You really can't see how biased You are until You see the Unbiasedness of God. And You can't see how small your love is until You see Infinite Love.

Regarding the statement "I want to Awaken". I've been thinking what I really meant by that. Basically I feel like I have a sense that I am still asleep and unconscious. I don't know what it means to not be asleep but I want to go there. I experienced some awakenings but 1) I'm no longer conscious of what they showed me and 2) I know there is more. I feel like I am profoundly asleep and I wish to shatter this illusion.

18 hours ago, Sincerity said:

I asked God "Am I ever going to be ready?". He said Yes. Then I had a light-bulb moment and asked "In the moment of death?" and He responded with " ".

Another good interpretation is I wanted to die. I didn't mention this in the report but after this interaction with God I became conscious that Death is Awakening. Even though I'm certainly still scared of it, I'm now looking forward to it much more. Maybe it will sound naive, if so forgive me for that, but sometime I wish to really Awaken so deeply that I become undifferentiated and utter Oneness and just be that for Eternity. Not because being here is a challenge but because doing THAT is a challenge. I enjoy many things here but nothing really matters besides this. Not family, not being good to others, not being responsible, not anything. I'll be engaging in these until the time comes because I truly like them, but the end goal is clear to me.

Sigh. I wonder whether all of these goals and aspirations of "mine" will make any difference when I truly surrender to God. Maybe "mine" will not play a role then.

Consider this post an add-on to the report.

[Sincerity]

1 hour ago, OBEler said:

@Sincerity nice awakening! How was your Setting, Did you hear music all the time in the background, were you sitting with eyes open all the time? Were you alone? 

Thanks  I was alone sitting on the floor leaned against the bed with eyes either open or closed. Mostly in silence, sometimes saying things out loud.

Closer to the end I played some music. I was reminded of this song I was listening to years ago:

I felt like God was talking to me through it, expressing his Love for me.

That's alright, let it out, talk to Me.

Also what's funny is that the lyrics say "We can talk here on the floor, on the phone if you prefer, I'll be here until you're okay". I was literally on the floor making notes on my phone hahahaha. 

Edited January 26 by Sincerity

[OBEler]

@Sincerity hahaha omg..what coincident.thats funny

[Sincerity]

I've been contemplating even more and I've finally come to my senses. 

Infinite Love is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life. This has been the most amazing awakening so far... INFINITE LOVE!

How could I have not seen this? I am so fucking stupid. 🤦‍♂️ It took me 32 hours to realize this after experiencing it. Thank God I decided to contemplate to my maximum... otherwise I would be going through my days without appreciating it. 

I am SO fucking stupid! It's INCREDIBLE how blinded I was. Mind's capacity for blindness and self-deception is INFINITE!!! It was more powerful than Infinite fucking Love Itself!!!! I literally can't believe how UTTERLY STUPID AND DENSE I can be, oh my God.

Infinite Love is the most amazing thing ever and nobody close to me has any idea about it... What a joke. It's comical! And the cherry on top is I cannot share it with any of them HAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh my Godddd 

@Leo Gura Thank You for leading me to the greatest gift imaginable. No one could have done it for me but You and I'm as grateful as a dumb human can be. Also I'm sorry for being a total moron.  My ego got the best of me.

Obviously I'm not done. No way, Jose.

[Leo Gura]

@Sincerity   

You are LOVE.

Ta-Daaaaaa! 

Maybe one day you will discover that there are an infinite number of different kinds of Infinite Love

[ZGROPIUS]

On 1/26/2023 at 4:02 AM, Sincerity said:

The devil surrendering to God, inspired by His Goodness and Love.

This metaphor is so beautiful ！！!❄️😭💛💛💛💛🌟✨