Girlfriend gets in the way of getting work done

[Juan]

9 hours ago, vladorion said:

He's right.

What Leo describes is an avoidant attachment style.

@vladorion  I hear you but, I felt his response was like very urgent like: “DO NOT FOLLOW THIS CRAZY MAN!” Lol, ofc I’m exaggerating the scripted dialogue here. I was making a joke in the first place, still, is ok to point out this could a limited view on Leo. 

[Juan]

22 minutes ago, mw711 said:

@Leo Gura

What about having kids?

So far I’m completely on board; live alone. 
 

But have you thought about kids? Can you leave that door open, and raise them in a healthy manner, without living together?

I might just be missing your point here.

Good question for him. I would add what if you both partners have the same LP like make art, work on arquitecture, kitchen, music, etc. Since consciousness can take infinite forms, why not become awake while living together? I understand Leo’s point too. 

[Avidya]

@integral Look I know how you're feeling.

I've been living with my girlfriend for the past 1.5 years. And it has been difficult. Especially since I worked on starting my own business, from home, while moving in with her. 

I rented an office in the beginning as she was studying at home as well, or went to the library.

She's normally a person that needs a lot of time together. Where I want to be focused on routines and my life purpose, working on weekends and 10-12 hour days. That was really difficult in the beginning.

But I told her I needed space, I had a proper schedule and , since she's like you in many senses, she asks for random stuff a lot of the time. Hugs, kisses, etc.

I even made a "don't disturb-hat". As long as I was wearing this, it meant that I was in no disturbance mode. And she knew she couldn't talk to me during the period I was wearing the hat.

So far it has worked out pretty well. What I would suggest is:

1. Set up clear zones and schedule accordingly, knowing the times she CANNOT disturb. YOu have to be super firm and consequent about this.
2. Let her know your priorities. My girlfriend knows I love my work and my life's purpose
3. Include her in your routines. Read personal development books(like David Deida). Meditate with her. Work out etc. If you live with her, it is your responsibility to level up WITH her. You have to take the lead, and show her your world. (like you're already doing).
4. Depending on your goal, use her as a way to work with yourself. (See Leo's video on how to exploit unconscious people for your growth - something like that)
4a. Watch out for your need to please her.

 

Hope this helps somewhat.

Edited January 12, 2023 by Avidya

[Avidya]

8 hours ago, Michael569 said:

First of all I agree with guys who say that it may slow down your progress if your aim is ultimate spiritual awakening. That's very possible, you may need to live alone for that. It may even mean you are done with dating, having a lot of sex with other women and doing pickup. Are you okay with that? Is it trade of you are prepared to take?

Depending on your goal and intention of course, I believe (for most people) that it has the potential (especially) people in their youth, to expose triggers and shadows and allow them an opportunity to integrate it healthily, paving the way for a more healthy integrative spiritual awakening.

I mean Lahiria Mahasaya had a wife..

[LastThursday]

30 minutes ago, Avidya said:

I even made a "don't disturb-hat".

[Devin]

Not living with a woman can slow down growth as well. Say live with a woman when you are at that stage of development(Maslow's needs), live with her to satisfy that part in you and then when you're ready to move on to something deeper you separate. Satisfying all the Maslow levels in order seems to be the fastest way for development, if you try to bypass that without actually losing that desire deep down you'll likely just spin your wheels at higher stages, with that lack of experience which you still desire holding you back like an anchor.

[Rafael Thundercat]

16 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

Hell no.

All that will do is create burn out and ruin your life.

True, I used to think proximity would make us closed, but life is counter-intuituve. If you sleep with her every day in the same room, smelling each other farts(hehe) and basicaly being in her energy is not healty even to her.

The proximity and distance ratio in a relationship is a nuanced dance that demands honest communication, and if you two just decide to set the pace of the relation after the honeymoon phase passed then is to late. You need constant iteration, talks, adjustments. Not so different than managing a bussiness, if you dont take care you end up broke. 

[OBEler]

@integral dont be mad at her. She can feel lonely or just enjoys being with you

Enjoy the time with her, one day it could be over 

You need to learn multitasking. It is possible. Or just lock your room if you really need time for yourself(but explain that nicely to her) 

[Cleopatra]

I don’t know why people are cooing over this making it seem like normal behavior. 9-5pm is obviously work hours and I can’t think of a time when someone was at my house or I was at theirs and they couldn’t leave me alone to work. If you’re living with an adult who can’t leave you alone when you’ve already said you don’t want to be distracted, then you’ve got a serious problem.
Even a 10 year old child will listen when you tell them to not bother you while you work, so are you living with an adult with less impulse control than a kid or are you not making it absolutely clear that you need to not be bothered during this time?

Edited January 12, 2023 by Cleopatra

[Username]

By 'same space' do you mean same room?

It reminds me my ESFJ mother. I dubt that you can do anything to change her behavior. Tere is a huge difference in a way me and my mother function. It's like I'm making a making a call - there is a start and there is an end. She acts as if the call is on all the time.

The only way to solve this issue is to be in a physically separate space. If separate room is not enough maybe you should lock the door.

[Leo Gura]

15 hours ago, StarStruck said:

And she will do it until she run you into the ground and move to the next softie to ruin his life. What she is actually doing is shit testing you.

Take it easy there, Tate Jr.

[Leo Gura]

10 hours ago, mw711 said:

@Leo Gura

What about having kids?

So far I’m completely on board; live alone. 

But have you thought about kids? Can you leave that door open, and raise them in a healthy manner, without living together?

I might just be missing your point here.

That's a seperate issue. If you have kids that will flip your whole life upside down. Obviously you live together then.

Edited January 13, 2023 by Leo Gura

[BlessedLion]

On 1/11/2023 at 5:19 PM, integral said:

sounds like nothing but this is every 10-20 minutes as well as i wake up in the morning and something was planned for the day that takes up 4 hours like driving around.

Dude put your fucking foot down. This is ridiculous behavior and sounds toxic 

[FreedomMoore]

Sounds like a real problem. I am an extreme introvert who needs uninterrupted time to work on my writing. Luckily, I married another introvert who really understands that I need to be able to concentrate. Even so, it took some time to set boundaries. It worked, we have been married 24 years now.

I tried letting my very extroverted friend rent the spare room for a while. This meant that I had to work in the dining room for the duration. And he could not find a way to stop interrupting me. One morning he interrupted me. I reminded him for at least the third time in 10 minutes that if my hands were on the keyboard, that I was working and please stop interrupting me. Then he actually interrupted me to tell me he was going to stop interrupting me. Then he interrupted me at least a few more times that morning alone. 

My friend interrupted me that many times every morning just getting out the door to work. We both realized that it was best we did not live in the same house. Especially since I did not have an office with a door to close if he was sleeping in it. He only stayed with me for about 2 months and we are still great friends. I just made sure not to try to work on anything that required concentration while he was home during those 2 months. And since he is an extreme extrovert, he was not often home. 

It looks like you are trying to do work that requires concentration in the same room as an extreme extrovert. You need to find a quiet place to do your work uninterrupted. One trick is to get some work done while everyone else in the house is asleep. Stay up late or get up early. Noise canceling headphones might help.

You may need to find another place to work with a door that you can close. Or you will have to get your girlfriend to leave the house while you are working. Maybe she could get a full time job outside of the house or enroll in some classes or spend time visiting a friend while you are working.

You do not seem to be able to work in the same room as your girlfriend any more than I could work in the same house as the friend that stayed with me for a couple of months. This does not mean you do not care about each other or that you cannot live with each other. You just can't work in the same room. This is why offices were invented.

[integral]

Im reading everything but cant respond do to time restrictions.

So yesterday i put on earmuffs and learned im significantly more productive with them on, but she was offended that i was ignoring her and "not really working", she felt this way because i was working on a passion side project so it was not "real" work, so i explained what a life purpose was but her monk told her there is no purpose to life ?, but we talked about it more and came to a understanding, she also realized she has to spend time doing her own thing during work hours.

We will see how it goes today. 

Yeee working at night is not an option, i go to bed a 9pm, sleep is essential. 

Edited January 13, 2023 by integral

[Tyler Robinson]

@integral I can't believe you don't place firm boundaries. What happened to you? You were never like this. 

 

[integral]

@Tyler Robinson Well she doesn't understand the boundary, the human need behind it and as a result takes it personally.

15 minutes ago, Tyler Robinson said:

@integral I can't believe you don't place firm boundaries. What happened to you? You were never like this. 

So its like saying "firmly offend her" lol. I think its better to take the learning experience for her slower. 

Edited January 13, 2023 by integral

[roopepa]

I don't understand what's the problem here. Can't you just say "When I work, I need to focus on it. Do not distract me at all during work time."

[integral]

1 hour ago, roopepa said:

I don't understand what's the problem here. Can't you just say "When I work, I need to focus on it. Do not distract me at all during work time."

• People don't understand that some things need concentration and how hard concentration is because they have never really done it.
• People don't understand the need for flow to go deep.
• People don't understand the need for passion and joy in ones work.
• People don't understand the need for alone time or the need of spending time with other people or things that is not them.
• People don't realize that the things you do that is not about them is vital for the health the relationship. Its all connected, our relationship does not exist in isolation from the rest of our lives, the quality of all aspects of our lives is integral to the relationship.
• ... more

Not understanding = taking it personally.

Edited January 13, 2023 by integral

[Devin]

@integral I think your situation is normal, moving in together has a learning period, this thread is full of some ridiculous comments.