I am deeply upset

[Applegarden8]

Greetings on whoever is reading this.

I am come to bear some upsetting news:

I am deeply frustrated and tired of something that has been a reoccurring theme in my life. So, therefore let me tell you what it is:

It is the constant passive aggressive abuse and attitude that people around give me. Even when I am trying to live my life pretty clean, honest and what I think is fair. I thought that I will be fine. Well, even with all the abuse, technically I am, however, there is some shit to go trough regularly. It's like having an abusive parent, but this abusive parent becomes the people around you. All I can tell you is that I am on so something. Just with being as I am.

I feel people currently in our society actually enjoy seeing other people suffering, suffering themselves (trough many forms), and to prefer to scheme, manipulate and are very good at projecting. This is the gift of generations, however, I think it evolve.

And I guess this is what I am up against. The "I don't like you problem" which nobody will explain, but find every little reason to hate you on. Even if there is a problem, I am open to solving it, talking about it and reflecting on it with my neighbors. I actually have tried to do this many times. Yet, same shit. It's like people trying you to have an endless guilt trip you don't even know what for, and this constant stalking, intimidation, insults trough the wall etc. This has happened more than 3 times in my life. Same scenario. The only difference i deliberately tried to be cleaner about it, and it still ends this way. I have to spend so much energy on handling this abuse and stay happy + be productive on my work and keep being creative. I am their garbage bin I guess. I have become so sielent in my personal life, meaning that I even don't use a fucking mouse on my computer and have silent keyboard. I go to sleep like exactly at 23:00 (knowing that i will be insulted trough the wall and they will do fake coughs and bang at my wall, (because I was sick one time, i know right, they had to find something to hate me for I guess)) and get up at 7-8:00, and it's somehow still a problem, I don't even have a loud alarm bell, just vibration setting in like a pillow, that really I can only hear. I don't think these are the real criticisms though. And i have played 0 instruments for 0 minutes in the apartment I live.

Now the juicy part is, what I am, what I do and what I have is the reason for this. And broadly speaking, this is the main reason, why am I being abused.

So the "family lifestyle monopolists" is where is the problem. I have delibareatly chosen to do activities or to even do nothing or mediate when I am at home, even surfing on the net with headhpones or whatever, at volumes low enough, so you don't know what I am doing. I have heard many comments about that I play games all day, surf the net, you don't do anything, however, as similar as these comments are (and I am not even going to talk about the sexual repression type comments like what are you doing when you are sitting in the toilet for "too long" or taking a shower), the most interesting ones are: What are you doing? So I call my experiment a success. I reverse engineered the possible source of all of these questions. I am appearantly not doing what they are doing. So I am rejected. So technically we are not living in apartments but open prison cells, basically less  openly violent and without shackles. But you feel layers of shackles. So, if you have a house, you have a larger degree of freedom. Otherwise you have this circus as one of your possibilities. And that is why deciding to play an instrument is a luxury. If you don't have capital for a house, forget getting good at your instrument, even if you have 2 free days a week. Forget about exploring what is possible in this direction, and making music on computer (silently) is your only option. We do not have culture for this. Making the music you want is terribly expensive and time consuming. If you have a band-house, country house, private home or a sustainable place where you can play an instrument, especially musical people around you who can mentor you, only then you are in business. Being good a music (in whatever aspects) first of all, takes enormous time. Even without all the teaching, from internet you can put a good picture and be a good musician. Even knowing intermediate stuff, you can come up with incredible theories, concepts, techniques, songs, and whatever else, only if you devote undivided attention and TIME most importantly. But if you can't get to environment where you can practice, you can't have anything of significance really. Go enjoy your rap and rave scenes or whatever is trending. I am not impressed by any musician anymore. I understand that humans are capable of fantastic things. And from what I see, I can tell, well good for you that you used your opportunities you have had in the first place, to pick up an instrument at early age and have ability to use your practice time with additional schooling you got. I am bitter about it, because I had the willingness to learn, explore, experiment, put crazy amount of time, if the situation allowed me to. I would make really interesting music. Ofc, I will have a fraction of that released, but you know, there is divide and conquest happening with a lot of killing and harming, and this is why we can't have nice things.

So, what to do?

Basically I understand that i might have to deal with this my entire life, so I am not going to take music as seriously as I would have liked to. I will keep making it I guess, but my prime focus is now on two things:

1) Very minimalist and sustainable lifestyle;

2) Strong mental fortitude, shadow work, yoga and spirituality.

Why?

I am tired of the cunningness of others and myself. I know there is a massive headroom of improvement.

The first is to make my survival chances and optimums better, to not want much sleep, to have body at its peak so that this stuff has less and less effect on me. And to be more alert and aware when I am doing spiritual pracitice. To reduce cravings and emotional garbage. To build massive self-trust and sustainable, life-positive self-agenda.

The second is mainly to do the same. But really, I don't want to live in mediocrity. No matter what I choose to do. To go and play video games all day, have sex with 2 people, do my music, or to do nothing for a week sitting there in my apartment without anything, There is no guilt about my decision or as minor as possible. As little as possible influence that can be about what I eat etc. And also to show these people, yeah, sucks to be you, maybe you should start improving your life instead of projecting. I kinda want to ooze that, although this is not close as to why am I doing this. The aim is the feeling of selflessness. Basically I want to life the rest of my life feeling like no one is living it, it's just happening and will come down to nothing. To live a highly intuitive life where I explore the endless possibilities of life instead of being chained to guilt. That is why I want to reform. And it is what I will do. I am just so sick of this shit.

Am I ok? Yeah.

Could I live the way I do? Yes, pretty comfortably, but I refuse to do so.

How will this impact my life purpose? I don't know. I don't care. I made over a hour of music that I like, i crushed many self-limiting beliefs, people want to be around me, I am getting more attractive and about music, I still have possibility to make more. I feel a lot of envy too from people around me. At the end of the day, I will die at some point, and life is not fair, but that is not the point of life. So my aim is to follow what my heart is hinting me to. Follow your bliss, reflect, regroup, contemplate, meditate, become more free of this. There is already significant degree of freedom I feel and I am in such a situation in life I can contemplate a lot and see what happens. Music has helped me to see the bigger picture in spirituality also. Consistent practice and self-purification will get you very far. The rest is up to the intuition and life itself. And maybe, it will eventually come up to me being able to leave the body at will. I don't know, I don't even care, let the happening speak for itself. A very noble spot in this field would be an ability to relax so much that there is just nothing happening. World as I know it, is gone, until my eyes open again.

Well how would you do all of it?

By practicing Completion, it's one of my favorite techniques.

Probably, for once, saying goodbye to internet and social media, except for work, these are the biggest time suckers.

Refining my diet up to the point i am eating only like 5 raw foods with some supplements and fasting.

[Applegarden8]

I guess it's time for me to re-tech, relearn some parts of musicianship and continue to develop and deliver music. I don't know in what genre though.

This time I think I would like to capitalize on planning and do things step by step and implement them. In my work we write elaborate protocols for what we are going to perform some experiments to have the best outcome. So I would also like to organize information in almost like a manifesto, which of course I will keep private, but essentially try to do the following:

What is the aim of all this effort?

- Solving the problem of inconsistent opportunity for practicing guitar.

- Solving the problem of not enough backing and production for electronic elements in my music like playing to a preset, using synth or midi controller possibilities to arpeggiate, modulate multiple parameters of a synth in real time, blend multiple presets, create some extreme presets and make them work. Have library of grouped synth presets with their function (bass, FX, lead, pad, or some special function). And untimately have a solid, revised, dense production for synths in my mix (like Celldweller for example), blended with rhythm guitar.

- Performing live (probably playback with a downtuned, nu-metal type of guitar).

- Getting more intimate with music, acquiring more skills to meld synthesizers and the modern sampling, MIDI expression possibilities.

- Organizing information on music theory I currently have and have a helpful sheet to guide trough p5th harmony and scale relationships, to have more advanced, jazzy, or very specific chord progressions or harmony.

-  Making more videos, play-troughs, tutorials.

- Learn a bit of konnakol.

Ofc there are other things to improve, but I feel this is like a cool project to take on while I am young. I would give this project 2-3 years to complete.

 

 

[Applegarden8]

A drummer just tried to pull me in a project with him. Of course, online, because who the hell cares about music that I like in my country. Interesting. Should I do something with him? Sounds like a lot of fun since I don't have to think about drum parts and can jam some interesting rhythm guitar parts.

Idk, lol. Might aswell just record till I die.

[Eternal Unity]

My sweet humble Creation, I love you so much!!!!

[Applegarden8]

I would also like to write and contemplate for completion for artists.

Today I recieved a comment trough a wall (as always) in my rehersal space.

"I bet he can't play anything that he writes."

How do I feel when hearing this? Annoyed, hurt, agitated, irritated, conflictive.

Well, what is the problem with what I am doing whatsoever?

Where is it written that I have to play or perform anything? Why this assumtion that for every person who plays an instrument, they immediately have to rush and present something so that you will give you some title?

But to answer your question, well, I did not plan to play what I wrote so far. It takes too much time for me to do it at the moment. Even to make 3 camera edited playrtough takes too much time for me. Why? Because I want to record and compose music. And I don't have anybody to perform it with. Yes, i might need to practice one taking something (to manily relax and just see how far I can get, especially with leads) and I need to tab out things more and do proper harmony analysis, because the song structure and motive is going to benefit from it and gain new dimensions of sound if I do these things more consciously.

So, if you want to hear somebody play some music, please compose, rehearse and play it, no problem whatsoever.

Also, i don't do this for money and I don't have the paper or complete sey of knowledge to be a musician.

Well instead of criticising me that I can't do something fund my lifestyle so I can find more time to perform for an audience, donate, educate me, offer me help, if you really care about the culture.

I know. People spread how they feel. I have no issue with this. But your artistry is fragile. Protect it from such people. Keep resolving the issues you have. Don't become like these people who don't express themselves, but express this shit.

Peace.

I know, comments like these are irrelevant, but you should clean your space, so this shit does not accumulate and burn you out.

 

 

[Applegarden8]

On 2023.01.19. at 10:42 PM, Eternal Unity said:

My sweet humble Creation, I love you so much!!!!

I am not sure what you mean, but peace be with you.

[eos_nyxia]

@Applegarden8  Who cares what those people think!

Plenty of people already have that focus and choose to focus in that direction.... it's called being a composer/ songwriter! (Though the latter is often associated with Classical music, writing music is just writing music and personally I see it all as being in the same pile... from my perspective, it doesn't matter much if one type of music is more or less established genre-wise.) It's not uncommon for composers to not be super proficient in the technical sense at any of the parts that they write, if they're not just straight up unable to play them (which are often for various specific instruments anyway).

Source: I took quite a few courses which on the subject.

I've noticed that people often skew in one direction or another, as in, they often have a strength and preference towards either songwriting or performing (/entertaining). Not all of us are performers by disposition!

 

Edited January 22 by eos_nyxia

[Applegarden8]

@eos_nyxia I am not a performer, because there is not sufficient infrastructure, audience, environment or tools at hand to rehearse and perform complicated and technical music.

Also, I can give you a technical answer about who cares. Your (or mine in this case) unresolved trauma cares, because it gets triggered.

On top of that, it is fairly intetesting to me that somebody (or fair amount of people acctually in society) looks at you and first thing they look is what you can't do or what you don't have or whatever instead of a teacher's or parent's mentality, which makes you see a possibility from a tendency.

Also I do not see problem with composing music which you or maybe even nobody could play. What is the problem? People consume digital media all the time. Probably just about any "real" video/audio recording is altered and even some live performances have pre-recorded channels and backing tracks running on playback. 

I love synthetic, unimaginable, complicated fast melodies or tone clusters that make a pattern of their own. Some of weird fast licks are best music I have heard in my life. Or some really screwed harmony, something very dissonant or mathematical is also very pleasing. Why not to use the tools like a computer, hardware, drum machines, enornous choices of sound libaries and software and you can modulate all these sounds further. You can make such electronic music that you wouldn't even think is electronic, because it sounds so obscure and nothing like you ever heard in your life.

We live in an age where composition is available to almost anybody. You don't have to be limited by sitting with a piece of paper or an instrument, AND, your time is very limited, you can't play 8 hours a day, yet alone, do you really want to? You will probably burn out anyways.

I will take all the criticism for it (i don't even know what for really, because i don't say that i can play what i write), and create even more techical, irreproducible and impossible music. Why? Because I like it.

I think I will also do it more impossibly so that (to the people who choose to think that), when you see me or hear my music, all you can think about is about how MUCH i couldn't nail this live, and how BIG of a problem it is in your life that I can't. And this urgent tought that you have to remind this to me wouldn't leave you day and night. It will be great. 

Edited January 24 by Applegarden8

[eos_nyxia]

@Applegarden8 Not sure if this was clear, but I was agreeing with you actually. And that irrespective of medium and technology, that some version of this problem has been around for a long time. (Arguably, there were more hurdles in the past to overcome in terms of just being able to get your foot in the door and actually produce/ write music.)

"WHO CARES" means shut out that feeling and doing it anyway (even if it eventually comes back to you already), or feel the way that you do it anyway. (Or alternatively: don't. It's in your hands, obvs.)

Artists of all stripes have been in this sort of situation, especially if their bent is less "commercial". What I was trying to say is that you're not alone.

Edited January 24 by eos_nyxia

[Applegarden8]

@eos_nyxia Don't worry, i underestand, this wasn't that much aimed at your response, i just found some common points to rant. I underestand, that you agree. Maybe i could be clearer myself.

[Applegarden8]

Holy shit, I haven't felt this bad in a while, even with the sadhana i am doing. I don't know what to do. It feels very suffocating. I feel like a rat, just waiting to die. I feel like every human interaction i have is pointless. I am just a cog  in the corrouption all around me. We are in it so balls deep to the point we project it to others. There is a good saying in my language. It is cheap an easy to be rich, but very expensive to be poor. I am not talking about money so much but it's very intertwined. I feel like spending time to just reflect, ditch intetnet as much as possible and spend time alone is the only sensible thing to do. I am fighting a bit to keep the desire to do music. Maybe it's time to re-think some of important life decisions. I feel a bit broken. But i am not depressed and capable of happiness. This feeling however increases over time. Not sure what to do. I am not seeking any solace from anybody also. You can't help me. I strongly feel that (the way we live and the values we hold) I am not designed to help you in your life in a way that is needed. Neither you can help me. Even if our bodies collide, rub on each other and release some pleasure or even if we live together, it doesn't solve these issues. You are alone in a sea of your fears, agitations, even the values which limit you and over all your emotionality and confusion about what life really is. Because i don't know, and I know you don't know. There is a dimension of certainty in everyones life, but we have not found it, we are not really looking for it. The answer is then, well, just live. Wish for existential freedom every night you go to sleep. From the bottom of my heart, this is what I will say.

Edited January 28 by Applegarden8

[Applegarden8]

I feel like going forward with my practice.

I always have tired eyes after work. I think i will be doing a lot more journaling/completion practices at the evenings. Time to cut down on the time i spend with some of my collegues after work. It's not going good. At least he is busy with a woman, so I can quietly leave. I need this time. I really do. And internet. I don't really crave to meet anyone new. I just want to do some music and reflect. I love this qoute: 99 per cent of people do the same things and all are miserbale. So, let's really do what makes the difference and see what happens. I will be a hermit until I die, but i don't care. So let me do all the work so I really do not care. How do you have to be to not fear death?

Yes, i will also buy a linnstrument and do more music aftet work, but i will not focus on music all my time, because why should I? 

Edited January 30 by Applegarden8

[Applegarden8]

Changing the focus of my life.

It is obvious to me that I have to keep striving to bring more access for life to flow trough. It can be many things.

I have to keep striving for more refined perception of life.

Otherwise i feel like there is just no place in the world. Acctually that's a deep truth that I feel: "Nobody really fits in their own life, something is always off, waiting to break." You feel everyone should like you or be how you want them to be and want things to happen a certain way. And it always fails you, if you rely on these assumptions, as they are deeply ingrained in your consciousness, as you really don't know anything else.

Long story short, I have known for a while, I just haven't found a way to truly capitalize on it. I can be ecstatic to the point tears come to my eyes and I truly for that moment do not need anything or anybody, and it's the most genuine feeling I have felt in my life. I just want my life to be more defined in this direction. I would like to organize myself a bit and to clear some of my habits to reach further a bit quicker. I don't know whats the goal, but I would like to have a bit more healthy life first of all and to do some self-purification practices no matter how good or bad I feel. It does wonders. And you always have to do a bit more to counter the random events life will bring, so I don't decide to get married or something.

At this point, all I want is to know my self, to spend some time silently and to work out whatever software I have for this lifetime. I don't want to explain anything to anyone of my personal life, as it is boring and basically the same activities everyone else is doing. I can't even finish this entry, because there is just nothing to say.

What will happen to my music? I will keep doing it for the sake of doing it. I can't predict the outcome and don't really care what my next songs are going to be, i will just do them at the weekend. Whatever comes, that it will be. I write it for myself anyway. All I am waiting for is my death really. I have nothing to life for and this software is running out. Ever since I started meditating I underestood there just is an alternative. Only you will find out.

If I won't do it, then what?

My life will be cyclically miserable, like 99.9 % of people. Living in patterns, for tension and release, downspiraling continiously. Until the moment death reaches and you realized that what was important in life to discover, or even to live beyond comfort you didn't find and didn't live. Utter confusion that ALL you tought what life is was not it but some artificial engagements. I don't want this. I don't want to waste more lifetimes projecting greed for misery onto the other. I see this everywhere, yet, it is what it is. Just embrace it and really change yourself. You will become dangerous to society, so you will have to play it nice and quiet, but everyone who has looked a bit into themselves, knows in how much delusion we are living in.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Applegarden8]

This entry is called corporate greed.

I would like to start off by saying greed is not bad and desires are part of your life. But I see what our tendencies are in our culture regarding life.

About our lifestyle, let me say the following. Everything is designed for us to consume. Basically most of the food have added sugar and perservatives just to last longer and make more profit. Everything is augmented to look/sound/feel better so you would consume/buy it. To buy more to buy better to buy newer. To have something new to play with or show to somebody. We treat each other like a product and our interactions are very calculated. I don't see any beauty in this mediocrity. This is capitalism.

I feel a bit like an animal. But i guess that's ok. There is nobody to blame, but I know you can relate.

Ofc I have to jump trough hoops and I will have to for the rest of my life.

What is the solution? I am fortunate to know what I know. I want to live more simply and minimalistic, at least in my personal life so I find safe to reflect and live beyond the shackles and ideologies of any kind, because it is the only thing that works. And to be more healthy. I am yet to find any popular ideology to be true by our society. I want to perceive and see the farthest I can, to see all the cages I am into and the space beyond them. I want to be in tune in life so that what is delusion, has no mental or emotions value to me, but I am able to function in life as if nothing has changed.

[Applegarden8]

Has anybody ever asked you utmost sincerely, hey, what do YOU want from life? I don't remember anybody asking me that. It's so surreal to be honest with you. It means we have not gotten to a point where we as a society created a method and space and time for it for self-reflection. This is not even taught legally in our education system. You do not have time or knowledge of how to to contemplate what you really want in your life why are you even here! Our lifes are too full of mainstream entertainment and roles we play to survive. And then what happens? People spend the rest of their life angry, agitated, confused and resentful at everyone around them, because they didn't even think to spend some time and self-reflect enough to be healthy even.

I want to see what I can do about it. That is why I should do my sadhana. I don't want to be miserable and people around me do not have to suffer for my ignorance.

So, what do you want from life?

[Applegarden8]

I am a workaholic guys. 

[Applegarden8]

A drummer asked me today, what does music mean to me?

I could not answer him. I feel he was very interested in my answer, but i couldn't say how much or how little, since it's very relative to the other tings you feel about life. I don't know what it means to me, but I know it means something. I don't remember last time i genuinely connected with a person like today. I am not craving for it, but i felt his passion and he felt mine. We were on the same wavelength, it was quite interesting!

[Applegarden8]

I underestood something I have been on the fence for a while. The only reference point in my life are my desires and how I feel. Nothing else. Here is what I mean. I was feeling really down saturday, and I sat in the train, my head hurt and I was so stressed and tired and I looked around and tought to myself, well, this feels horrible and this is what I feel, lets just live it, here I am. I am where I am. I am not famous or spectacular in any way about my music. I barely have the time and energy to keep practicing my instrument, i usually feel bad to keep and keep pushing. My job is very demanding and takes a lot of energy, but I try to cope with it. I don't have a gf and probably will never have. I will be alone, probably playing instruments for the rest of my life, doing pretty much nothing else than working. I don't know how much more I will live and will be able to practice etc. Every interaction or seeking of pleasure feels very hollow. I hate being on internet and eating refined food that makes me tired. My life is going to be as boring and ordinary as it will be. Yes, i also have haters that try to mentally disturb me, which I have to live with. I have my own cravings, habits and unwabted behaviour so. All of these factors and more is where I am. Sitting in the train and thinking all this, not knowing what life is about is where i am. It's dreadfully horrible, but it's great, because this is where I am. I have always been affraid to double down on something in my life, but somethibg felt really true to me. I felt horrible and was true, i am not running away from it and i don't want to. I will completely accept is as there is no other extension or immagination needed. There is no need to have an amazing party or amazing sex as this stuff is also hollow, and you will not have it often. I don't have resources to be financially independant or do music full time in the way i would like to, it's ok, i am where i am, probably will never do it full time. It's horrible, depressing or whatever, but it's where I am and it's ok. I don't feel like i need life handed to me in sugar coating, it's what makes it hollow. I want to be how I am. I want to find how I am really like and how I function. So many sugarcoated idologies I know, which inebitably ends in suffering, they are all based in avoiding feeling of fear and pain. This is wrong and has never worked in my life.

So what I underestood is the following.

My life has no value and never will have. This is important to remind myself. You don't need values to function. Human mechanism and cognition is far more sophisticated and intelligent than concept of morals and values. You can function without them, at least in my experience.

Breathing takes no morals and values to happen.

You always have fear of missing out and being rejected by society, only thing not worth missing out is your own fears, insecurities and traumas. Other stuff you can miss out on, it's optional, but this, you need to sit trough these, whatever time it may take to resolve them, if you care about any degree of existential freedom after this body and while you have it.

While this part is important, desire also is important.

Slowing down and underestanding what our true desires are will make your life untolerable or worth living.

Your desires are not the interests of your family, company and goverment. You fullfill a need to fullfill what your desires are from it. So what are your true desires? Bigger house, better salary, more relationships, being better than somebody else, having something that somebody else has, having a comfortable life maybe? I would say no. This is neither what you or I want. So what is that you want? It's up to you to discover? I will certainly look, otherwise whatever I will own or achieve, you will always confuse me into wanting what you have or not wanting what you think i shouldn't want and it will go endlessly until my very last moments of my lifex when I will realise my life was utter confusion, because i didn't double down into looking into myself.

Edited February 19 by Applegarden8

[Applegarden8]

I have been wanting to change for such a long time now.

I think it's time to slow down, dig deep and change some fundamental forces of my life. I have always wanted to do this.

Some relationships will be broken, some activities forgotten, but I will gain what I really care for.

I know, if I start doing that, I will become very quiet and progressively more detached from people and things, but this is what I want.

There is mainly two things in this aspect.

Making my lifestyle very minimalist and sustainable. Where I do my job and music, the rest is spent for contemplation, any downs that I have gained I have chance to reflect and see what happens. Eat very little and mostly raw food, try fasting etc. Doing some basic form of yoga. Reduce amount of sleep, build up the body for sitting in one posture for long periods of time. To be come emotionally flexible and don't have to rely on pleasures to go on with my day.

Doing more contemplation, completion techniques and some techniques like practicing falling asleep consciously or some solipsistic techniques that takes me out of my mind to have heightened experiences of reality.

Ok, let me start and if I fail, re-start again and again. If I manage to struggle for 5 years and come to a significant point of no return where I do these things consistently, my quality of life will improve to the point i can't dream of.

[Applegarden8]

I constantly hear this from my neighbours when they hear a little bit too much of sielence for extended period of time. "What are you doing?" "What did you do today?" "What are you doing at all?" I have a big smile in my face and I want to ask them: "well what is there to do?" Depends on your ideology, but it's most probably it's not yours as you are running on the same software from a way back, and I don't want to run on it, cause I see it's not working. There has to be a family man version of an updated software too, right? Or only this option is there for idiots like me? Who have to be audited constantly in their personal lives about what they are doing? Make up your own mind people, you clearly even do not know what you want yourselves and I can see that, otherwise you would not project that on me.