Stopping People Pleasing with family. Am I being too harsh or am I growing as a man?

[Javfly33]

Lately I am becoming less and less people "pleaser" with some family members I used to have attachment to. I have stopped talking with my mother on the phone. Now only texting and much less than usual. With other family member (my aunt) I said to her I wasn't going back for christmas. This was "big" for me because they are pretty conservatism and traditional so it difficult for me to say them that.

Today I got a message from my aunt telling me they were going to miss me in tonight's dinner and that she would call me at night. I just ignored the message and don't even checked my phone through the night.

What do I say all of this? Well, I'm very tired of people like my mother or my aunt (since my father died she kinda become a little more paternalistic with me) treating me like im 16.

I want say NO to them. I want to set my boundaries.

I don´t want to talk to my mother on the phone because It doesn't make feel good and I don't give a fuck if she has emotional attachment. She will have to learn to let it go.

Fuck going to my aunts daughter baptism because I hate religion and I don't want to go to that stupid things.

God I have such a tremendous anger for some family members, (basically most of my father's side family- my aunt and grandma) and my mother. I want to give to them a big fuck you constantly. I probably have repressed trauma of being people pleaser and that's why this anger is coming up.

Maybe some people that have gone through the same can speak on the matter. I'm basically deconstructing the whole morality of being " good guy" and Im just this discovering true unconditional love: Putting myself first always and accepting each choice and not judging me ever. It´s weird because it's unknown territory. But something feels right in all of this. I still find myself judging myself sometimes in that I am being "bad" or being "selfish" though. 

Edited December 25, 2022 by Javfly33

[Vlad_]

35 minutes ago, Javfly33 said:

Lately I am becoming less and less people "pleaser" with some family members I used to have attachment to. I have stopped talking with my mother on the phone. Now only texting and much less than usual. With other family member (my aunt) I said to her I wasn't going back for christmas. This was "big" for me because they are pretty conservatism and traditional so it difficult for me to say them that.

Today I got a message from my aunt telling me they were going to miss me in tonight's dinner and that she would call me at night. I just ignored the message and don't even checked my phone through the night.

What do I say all of this? Well, I'm very tired of people like my mother or my aunt (since my father died she kinda become a little more paternalistic with me) treating me like im 16.

I want say NO to them. I want to set my boundaries.

I don´t want to talk to my mother on the phone because It doesn't make feel good and I don't give a fuck if she has emotional attachment. She will have to learn to let it go.

Fuck going to my aunts daughter baptism because I hate religion and I don't want to go to that stupid things.

God I have such a tremendous anger for some family members, (basically most of my father's side family- my aunt and grandma) and my mother. I want to give to them a big fuck you constantly. I probably have repressed trauma of being people pleaser and that's why this anger is coming up.

Maybe some people that have gone through the same can speak on the matter. I'm basically deconstructing the whole morality of being " good guy" and Im just this discovering true unconditional love: Putting myself first always and accepting each choice and not judging me ever. It´s weird because it's unknown territory. But something feels right in all of this. I still find myself judging myself sometimes in that I am being "bad" or being "selfish" though. 

Bro, I feel really identified with you.

When I was younger I had kind of the same problem with my mother and step-dad. 

The problem is hatred, you need to let it go and of course it involves a lot of suffering at first, maybe crying. I would recommend you to find a good psychologist or psychedelics or both. 

Boundaries are essential to live a healthy and joyful life. But boundaries are not the same as walls and I feel like  you want to build walls instead of boundaries. Did you try to be straight forward with you relatives? Do they know that you feel anger toward them? Try to talk to them and see what happens 

[Devin]

Similar here.

You have to be loving to yourself, you can't be loving otherwise, and it's the only path to be loving to your family. You setting boundaries is the only loving thing you can do to your family right now, no matter how sloppy and unsure of your decisions you are.

[NoSelfSelf]

Good work 👏🏻

[Nilsi]

Just running away from your family and generally being an asshole does not make you a man.

You could have gone there for Christmas and had a straight forward face to face talk with your family about your boundaries, but instead you're hiding and ignoring them like a little child.

[TheGreekSeeker]

31 minutes ago, Nilsi said:

Just running away from your family and generally being an asshole does not make you a man.

You could have gone there for Christmas and had a straight forward face to face talk with your family about your boundaries, but instead you're hiding and ignoring them like a little child.

I don't think your approach helps the OP. You could be a little bit more compassionate. Who are you to judge him? He will do whatever he feels like doing. People need their time and advice should be calibrated to their pace and needs.

Edited December 25, 2022 by TheGreekSeeker

[TheGreekSeeker]

@Javfly33 Do you have a past of abuse with your family? Do you have repressed feelings? Have you thought that maybe you are reactionary in your behaviour and you could detect a better course of action in the future?

[Nilsi]

4 minutes ago, TheGreekSeeker said:

I don't think your approach helps the OP. You could be a little bit more compassionate. Who are you to judge him? He will do whatever he feels like doing. People need their time and advice should be calibrated to their pace and needs.

Take it or leave it.

[Lila9]

That's amazing that you realized this pattern in your behavior with your familiy and that you're aiming to change it.

I think that you made a good first step towards self love, self trust and individuality.

As long as you love your familiy and you want to keep being in touch with them, I think that it's importent to find a way to speak your mind and put your boundaries without sending the message that you completely don't give a fuck about them. But it will come with time I guess.

  

[Devin]

2 hours ago, Nilsi said:

Just running away from your family and generally being an asshole does not make you a man.

You could have gone there for Christmas and had a straight forward face to face talk with your family about your boundaries, but instead you're hiding and ignoring them like a little child.

He didn't want to go to Christmas, that would be him violating his own boundary. I can't imagine he would feel this way if they weren't toxic and manipulative, he obviously needs time to process the manipulation to even have a clue as to how to try an communicate his boundaries to them verbally. He's absolutely being a man, he's actually working on the problem.

Edited December 25, 2022 by Devin

[meta_male]

3 hours ago, Nilsi said:

Just running away from your family and generally being an asshole does not make you a man.

You could have gone there for Christmas and had a straight forward face to face talk with your family about your boundaries, but instead you're hiding and ignoring them like a little child.

I don't agree with this. Sometimes you need to do what's best for you first. Some people don't have the energy to go through all the drama of a face to face talk until they've built themselves up first. Do you really think people are just "generally being assholes" without reason?

[Nilsi]

Just now, meta_male said:

I don't agree with this. Sometimes you need to do what's best for you first. Some people don't have the energy to go through all the drama of a face to face talk until they've built themselves up first. Do you really think people are just "generally being assholes" without reason?

Fine. The point is, you're not being a man then.

[meta_male]

2 minutes ago, Nilsi said:

Fine. The point is, you're not being a man then.

In my book you're not being a man if you don't own your weaknesses and behave accordingly.

[Nilsi]

2 minutes ago, meta_male said:

In my book you're not being a man if you don't own your weaknesses and behave accordingly.

In my book you're not being a man if you run away from your commitments and responsibilities.

[meta_male]

@Nilsi Ok, I understand. I think we all should question those from time to time. Not all responsibilities are necessary, and some are simply unhealthy for certain people.

[UnbornTao]

Better learn to interact and communicate effectively with them. 

[Kshantivadin]

@Nilsi @Nilsi

1 hour ago, Nilsi said:

In my book you're not being a man if you run away from your commitments and responsibilities.

its such a big responsibility to attend christmas dinner  

[Javfly33]

On 25/12/2022 at 9:58 AM, Nilsi said:

Just running away from your family and generally being an asshole does not make you a man.

You could have gone there for Christmas and had a straight forward face to face talk with your family about your boundaries, but instead you're hiding and ignoring them like a little child.

Oh no, you are the child by showing that cockyness behind a screen. 😘

On 25/12/2022 at 8:32 AM, NoSelfSelf said:

Good work 👏🏻

Thanks!

[UnbornTao]

You're likely being too harsh.

That doesn't mean moving away isn't a good choice. Perhaps avoid causing more harm; try to communicate with them in little ways, begin to establish some boundaries. These situations can be challenging.

But we don't know what's best for you. Just some opinions and suggestions.

Edited January 7 by UnbornTao

[Bad_anarchist]

On 25/12/2022 at 1:43 PM, Nilsi said:

In my book you're not being a man if you run away from your commitments and responsibilities.

I 100% agree with you and I seem to be the only one in this thread who does. I used to act this way when I was a teenager and right after I graduated highschool for a year or two, then I matured.