SuicidalBug

I got raped 2 months ago

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Hi. Two months ago I got raped by a stranger at 4 am in a park. When I feel good, I can see all the sense in what happened and I don’t feel anger towards myself and not even towards my attacker. I’m a strong opponent of sending people to jail, since I know it only makes things worse when that someone comes out. And from the very little things I know about this man, I know that prison didn’t do him any good the first time he was in there. I can see all the things that changed for the best after this happened, I know that I would’ve done the same thing if I was in exactly that sort of situation, and by me I don’t think I mean this man that’s writing this right now.

When I’m not doing good, like right now, it chokes me to realized all the things I could’ve done to get the police to catch him. I could’ve called 911 right after it happened, I could’ve had the courage to follow him and find out where he lives and then call the police (the day after my rape I was horribly messed up and I still went out of the house and started looking for him. I got a lead but it turned out to be nothing). 
 

For fuck’s sake, I could’ve not spent so much time wandering the city like a ghost after the rape was over at 5am, and instead went directly to the hospital I went to where they checked me up and did a rape kit. He’s being looked for now by the criminal police here in Germany, but I’m usually at peace with the fact that they’ll never find him.

During the rape, I actually asked him why he was doing this to me and he raised his voice and there was grief and desperation to be heard. He said “Because of love”. 
 

How can I accept and understand this kind of love when it makes me want to hammer nails into my head? How can I accept it when it pulls me apart at the seames and makes me scream and cry so hard that it gets people so worried, they talk to me about going to the psych ward? And I know it’s love, because I know everything is love, but it hurts so much that I can’t even begin to be at peace when the pain hits.

 

And I’m realizing that if you look through my posts, you’ll mostly see depressing shit about me torturing myself and driving myself crazy. This is not all I am, I am so much more than this and I’m sure almost everyone that reads this would enjoy spending some time with me, which I would also enjoy truly, yet I feel a bit ashamed that this is the only facette of myself that I show here.

 

I seem to find some peace and understanding and acceptance of grief in this song. It helps me realize that sometimes things happen that seem just senseless and violent, and that we have to fight through them to create a meaning of our own. I want to get out of this knowing more about love and about myself. Learn how to love even those who treated me so bad, and how to make decisions that bring the best outcomes for everyone.

When I listen to this I can’t help but see the memory of my rapist walking up the steep grassy road in the dark, out through a tiny entrace in the park and into the streetlights for a couple of seconds, after which it was like he just disappeared, while I was staring still in shock peeing behind a tree, after which I ran as fast as I could to try to reach some light, some life, anything.

There were some people out when I got back to the center of the city. A lot of them stared at me with worry on their faces. I probably looked completely spent, as if I would’ve been pushed around in a moshpit all night until I fell unconscious for a second, being woken up by someone stomping on my hand.

I don’t mean to sound so literary, but as a writer this is my main coping mechanism to distance myself.

So I think what I’m asking is: How do I stop beating myself up? How do I cultivate understanding for this man, so that I stop wanting to see him imprisoned and in agony?

Thanking you already for the beautiful responses that I’m going to get, as usual.

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Press charges. 

I forgot to press charges when I was raped. 

 

Edited by Tyler Robinson

♡✸♡.

 Be careful being too demanding in relationships. Relate to the person at the level they are at, not where you need them to be.

You have to get out of the kitchen where Tate's energy exists ~ Tyler Robinson 

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I already did, but I don’t expect anything coming out of it, and I’m looking for ways to deal with this fact and to let go. I’m extremely sorry that this happened to you too, I hope your recovery is going well and that you have enough support in your life.

@Tyler Robinson

Edited by SuicidalBug

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@SuicidalBug @SuicidalBug I hope you recover as well. It can be a debilitating experience. It took me months to get over it. I'm doing okay now. 

I hope you heal completely. Take care. 

 

 


♡✸♡.

 Be careful being too demanding in relationships. Relate to the person at the level they are at, not where you need them to be.

You have to get out of the kitchen where Tate's energy exists ~ Tyler Robinson 

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That sounds horrible, I'm sorry that you went through this.

It's not your fault, he is the fucked up one. He wanted to rape someone and it could be anyone, unfortunately it happened that it was you, who unknowingly and innocently were at this particular time and spot.

What you've been experiencing is a completely shocking experince, the kind of experince that pulls the ground under your legs and shakes your entire world, your perception about yourself, about people, men, life... Chances that you couldn't act by the "correct protocol" and doing all the "right things" like collecting data and going to police and complain anyway, because you simply were shocked. You had to take the time to process what the hell just happened, because you are a human, your soul just have been crushed at this moment, a difficult and unexpected thing just happened to you, how it's even possible to use reason and act? It's so hard. Very few people can do that after an emotionally complicated experience. 

Even if you did all the "right" things by the protocol, what could promise that the police would find him? 

Where I live, in South Korea, there's so many rules and protocols for sexual abuse. People always tell to women to complain, but once women complain, they go through a nightmarish and humilating experince to prove their case, which can be as traumatic as the the rape itself, mainly because people perceive her as a lier and an attention seeker (in our misogynist country). And even if she proves it, the punishment to the abuser is so light in comparison to the pain she went through. That's why I didn't complain when I went through sexual harrasment during my life time, because I don't trust the system to protect me.

Perhaps by understanding that nothing is 100% in your control you will be able to stop beating yourself up. It happens that life slap us in the face without no particular reason, sometimes it's hard to accept that we are tiny drops compared to the stormy and moody ocean that called life, and that there are so many things, that we can't control and out of our responsibility. 

 

You don't have to understand him right now, perhaps you'll understand him in the future with time, what made him to do such a thing, perhaps you'll never understand him, and that's alright. You don't own him your understanding, compassion, acceptance. I'm not sure that this person even understands himself properly. It might come spontaneously one day, it may never come. More importent is to focus on your healing, to be kind with yourself as if you were your own child who went through this experience. Because it's easier to be compassionate with children and harder to be that with ourselves. Your anger and agony or any feelings you have are valid, and it's normal to want him to be in prison. 

I think that if he reached a point where he raped a woman, and said with a great confidence that it's out of love, he's already prisoned, because he doesn't know what love is. If this is what he's calling love, hurting someone for the sake of his selfish needs, I'm very sorry for him, this human is misrable because he doesn't understand that there is greater love that means not hurting people for the sake of selfish needs. I'm hope that he will find his place in a real prison soon, anyway. If this is what he does, travel and rape women, I hope that somehow the German system will put him in the jail.

As you described here, your pain comes and goes like waves, you have good times and bad times. Since you love to write, maybe write some kind words for yourself when you are in your bad times, a reminder for self love, acceptance, compassion when you are overwhelmed by negative emotions. 

I hope you'll find a permanent peace within your heart soon, or at least, you'll find ways to cope with the post trauma and to heal it❤️?

 

 

 

 

 


Let Love In

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You can keep a journal if it gives you peace. Take a hot bath, eat something sweet, listen to melodic music, talk to someone who understands you, sleep with binaural beats/asmr. Don't pressure yourself to do anything reactory. You don't have to go on the offensive. You don't even have to forgive him. But if you want to move on, you have to forget. This will come with time. Give yourself time. Give yourself the love you deserve. Don't try to explain the abuse with reason. Focus on your feelings. Exhaust each feeling and feel it to its core. Cry, multiple times if you need. This is normal. If you need someone to talk to I can do that for you. I trust you. I believe you know the way for your recovery. If you have the financial capability, go and speak to a mental health specialist. Avoid any contact with the perpetrator. 

You are beauty. You will heal.

Πάτερ, άφες αυτοίς, ου γαρ οίδασι τι ποιούσι.

Edited by TheGreekSeeker

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@Lila9 Thank you so much for the very detailed and compassionate answer, and I’m sorry you had to survive a similar experience. You’re right, I think it’s best I focus on my own healing and not so much on understanding and accepting him. He doesn’t deserve that, and I don’t have the mental power at the moment. Thankfully I’m in therapy with a trauma-focused therapist and I have a lot of support from my girlfriend, friends, family, social workers. I feel very lucky to have all this, and to have met two very compassionate policewomen who have been there for me even when I called while hysterical at 3am and one of them spent more than an hour that night to help me feel better. Thank you again, wishing you a good time!

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@TheGreekSeeker I appreciate your advice greatly! I can do some of the things you recommended and thankfully I’m already seeing a good therapist. What’s clear for me now through the help of the replies I got, is that I need to focus myself on my healing a lot more and need to show love to myself before (if) I try to understand and show love to someone who hurt me.

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@SuicidalBug focus on yourself, regroup, heal, concentrate on the positive things in your life and when you're feeling ready you can start thinking about forgiveness. But first try to forgive yourself.

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I think you should tell police even though 2months have passed  because I am 99% percent sure he will r*pe someone again.

sorry for saying this but I do think so.

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