Strongly Hating My Mother's Voice

[a e l i]

My mom's voice makes me unbelievably upset. I get really frustrated, it upsets me especially when she sings or yells (which is quite often). Also, the bedrooms and the kitchen in our house have curtains instead of actual doors, so I have to hear her all day talking with my dad, and it's driving me crazy. The worst is when she interrupts the quiet by yelling or comes in my room talking about her stuff. Or when it's late and I'm trying to sleep while she's shouting in the other room. 

It's not just my own problem, my friends also told me she talks way too much: she can't keep anything for herself, she has to talk and talk about every little thing that's on her mind. And her voice is loud.

It's so bad I sometimes find myself crying because of this. I can't understand why I'm feeling this way and I'm really confused on the matter. Also, I have no idea on what to do or where to begin. The best thing seems to learn how to handle these feelings, since it's my responsability to manage my emotions, though I think she's kind of problematic as well.

Any advice? I'm desperate ok thank you

[Ayla]

@a e l i,

The reason you have this reaction is because you associate it with a deep wound within yourself. 

The voice is reminding you of a very uncomfortable situation from (very) early childhood, which you couldn't express at that moment. 

The anger you feel is the sign that you need to deal with this as soon as possible. 

I really recommend you to work deeply with this video (not just listening to it, but actually do what she says); 

 

 

[InternetPoints]

I'm going to guess she isn't very nice when yelling at least part of the time. So you probably associated her voice with whatever bad behavior sometimes comes with it.

This is a very long, but very entertaining and informative description of how you can come to associate sounds to mean things that aren't useful to you anymore, as well as what to do about it. It's directed at people who have something similar to what you described, but much worse.

http://www.owenparachute.com/misophonia.html 

[a e l i]

Thank you, I'm checking out your links!

[pgchollet]

 How anyone can identify the source of your problem Aeli is beyond me.  A "deep wound"?  Wow , that's a stretch, I don't know, don't see where that  conclusion came from with the information you provided.  Not having doors is a MAJOR factor in this situation. And it's curious that you couple your Mom's "singing" with her "yelling". Usually when people sing, they're happy, not angry. So it isn't that your mom is angry all the time, is it that she's "loud"? Do you think some  degree of your anger is annoyance ?  Do you feel that your mom's intent is to hurt you by speaking loudly?  Is she aware of how you feel about her voice?  What else is going on in your home?  See, there' a lot  of information still out there. 

Perhaps the first step is to make your feelings known. I don't know how old your Mother is, but I know when my mom got older she began speaking much louder because she began losing her hearing..One thing to keep in mind Aeli is, nothing is EVER about one thing. My grandmother had an expression, "the thinnest pancake has 2 sides"; it's so true. Before you begin looking for deep wounds, it might be beneficial to get everyone on the same page and try some old fashioned kind ,productive communication and problem solving.  One more thing to consider is your age. How a parent's behavior affects us changes with each decade of our life. It sounds a little like like you're  ready to spread you wings and fly. I'd love to more about what's going on so I can give more concrete feedback.

Take care. 

[a e l i]

Yeah, it's mainly about her being loud. And it annoys me a lot. I'm 16 and she's 40 and our personalities are kind of in conflict: I'm an introvert and speak very little, she's an extrovert and tells people literally everything that's on her mind; I'm more of a "logical thinker", her logic seems driven a lot by her emotions. We're similar in the fact that we both like playing the devil's advocate, ending up doing a lot of useless arguing, sometimes not even realizing we're defending the same side. She would do anything to have the last word, but she doesn't want to hurt me. I get annoyed hearing her voice not just when arguing, but whenever she's talking. I tried to tell her, but she doesn't get it seriously hurts me. Sometimes my dad defends me, for example when it's late and I'm trying to sleep while my parents watch TV/talk/whatever, but my mom just wants to talk and thinks she has the right to do that whenever she wants.

Ah, my parents are strongly religious and want me to stay in their cult, I don't know if this changes something but I'm leaving it here anyway.

[Arman]

I have had the same experience where a family members voice flared a deep response of irrational anger and heat in my body. Even if they were being jovial. At the time I couldn't have really explained why either. It has since resolved. 

I really like Teal Swans stuff (that ayla posted) and I recommend you check her material out. I'm also of the opinion that it's related to a deeper emotional imprint. When you're triggered emotionally, take time to sit with it unconditionally and breathe through it. You might actually find the emotions getting deeper and more difficult, but that's a good thing and in time it will unfold and resolve as long as you choose to be present with it instead of stifling it or judging it. I imagine it would be difficult to get your mother to change, and even if she did, the underlying issue might not be addressed. 

[pgchollet]

Hi  Aeli,

Well, this makes the picture a bit clearer and you really seem to know what’s going on. You kind of have a tough one on your hands for two reasons.

1. Your age

2. Culture and religious beliefs.

Those two areas are jam-packed with potential parent-child issues and problems..  One suggestion I have off the bat is to stay focused on what you can control. Its counter productive to, “build your case” by focusing on your Mom’s behavior with anyone other than you.  For example, what your Mom tells other people, or how loudly she speaks to other people, that’s out of your control.  Try to think of that as inviting negative energy into your space.. Instead, focus on those times when you see your mom in a kind and loving light. As I said before, we don’t know what your Mom has is dealing with in her life. I can say that it’s tough for Mom’s to shift from being the center of your child’s world to being the person they actively try to avoid. Also, I’m sure she realizes that your beliefs systems are at odds; this is a major issue for parents. A big part of this solution Aeli, is you doing what you need to do to get through this period without resenting your mom.  One-way to approach this is to look at the people in our lives who make our heads explode as our, “true Mentors” in life. Perhaps tolerance and acceptance are 2 areas is your life that needs work.  You mention extrovert and introvert personalities so, it sounds like you KNOW a big part of the problem.  Have you talked to your Mother about these terms? You can even look on the Internet for articles on this subject. A way to approach this might be to print out some information and leave it for her to read. I’d suggest avoiding “devils advocate” at this time this is another negative energy practice, instead look for moments when you can get along.  What your doing now is similar to a spouse who wants out of a marriage Instead of focusing on the good that’s there or was there, they begin focusing on the annoying things, and this builds up more and more resentment until all the bridges and connections between them explode. . The bottom line is she is your mom, and that’s a mighty strong attachment that can make or break the best of us.  But if you feel that you mom’s true intent is love for you it’s worth riding this out. And be aware that part, not all, but part of this is developmental. 16 is a tough time there’s a lot going on. I hope this helps.

[a e l i]

Yeah thanks, I think it's a bit more clear

[Cookiesliyr]

@a e l i hmmm hello there, can you do me a favor and take a personality test? i shouldn't ask for this, this is a good site that give what it seems a good results: https://www.16personalities.com/personality-types
 

each case should be taken within its environment and variables, as a programmer i learned same problem can be caused by different reasons, and different state, if you don't know what are personalities types are, then you can read about them from that link or even from wikipedia, they have a good page for that. let me be honest here, not all doctors approve of those concepts, and i am not a doctor in the first place, but trying to help.

what came in my mind for a second that it might be a different story, you see, a lot of people believe that people are extrovert and it is wrong to be an introvert one, and that's make me question: then why introversion type of personality exists? but this is getting out of the subjects, way too far.

what it came to my mind is maybe you are just an introvert in nature and your mom is on the extreme other side of the map, she want to express everything out and getting attention, which what made her talk loudly as her normal pitch and using curtains instead of doors, and you like quite and just don't want to hear other people anymore, extreme introverts like to stay hidden and love to stay alone for a while, depends on how introverts they are, and if their attention get required for a long time without rest they can lose their mind, and become so desperate asking strangers for help.

one of the problems that some people might point at this logic is: maybe you have childhood issues and you became introvert! well ... to be honest yes that can be possible, but i can call that a different type, and some people are fine being left alone. they don't have bad childhood and they are introvert, it is possible people, and yes introvert doesn't mean shy, those are different things.

[a e l i]

I'm an INTP and I'm not sure about my mom, but I think she's an ESTP.

I agree, this is certainly part of the problem. I don't feel the need to talk unless it's necessary, but my mom just can't not talk: she has to give her opinion on everything and has a loud voice that she doesn't seem to be able to control. My dad (INFJ) can listen to her chatting for hours and I have no idea on how he does that.

But in my opinion it's not just about MBTI.

[Jay Brown]

Its the same with my dad, 

 

I know that feeling when you hate yourself for hating them cause lets face it, they cleaned our shit. I dont like to watch alot of videos but I would advice you that everytime you think you start to get annoyed due whatever the reason literally WHATEVER the reason is (she embarassing you infront of your friends/boyfriend) you HAVE to stay calm, if you do that, your done! you will have the best feeling once its over. trust me we will cry when they are not there but thats not important right now, rights its only important to do just enough to get by. that it. 

 

DONT TALK BACK

DONT SCREAM 

IGNORE (when you think you cant take anymore and might blow up) 

start talking to one friend ! make one positive thinking friend the type of friend which can come over to your place anytime just to be with you and help you get through this, for all the times when your mom starts acting up and the friend cant come then just text, go on the internet and search for disturbing shit or anything to take your mind off it completlely cause its only gonna last for a few minutes, you wasting your breath and crying over a few minutes of your moms anger is not really worth it. ... 

 

Hope i made sense