KatiesKarma

I am in literal hell and I do not want to kill myself. Help

21 posts in this topic

Hello,

I posted a bunch of times a year ago and since then a lot of things happened, well in theory, because now it feels like none of it happened. 

I thought I solved every problem I had. I was so naive holy crap. 

What went down is insanely difficult to explain in accurate terms. I should be screaming 24/7 but I will try to be calm and put this into words

I was at a psychiatric hospital for three months in hopes of curing what I thought was depersonalization disorder (more like extremely fucked up personality development with a bunch of trauma), I came off effexor (someone on here said I should never touch these drugs and BOY was this person right, this, this was my death sentence),

and my mind just 'deteoriated' over a period of 4 weeks, when I was at the hospital. All ingelligence, the semblance of personality that I had, left me

My mind is like a Computer that exploded from too much data, none of which could be processed. Feels like neurotoxic damage 

Now I am left geniuenly retarded. Before I had psychological Problems but this is likely neurological. 

Something is very very very very very very wrong. It's like my mind, spirit, soul is completely defragmented, dead, abused..

- this is what it feels like to be dead but alive

- blank mind, words have lost all meaning, brain responds to absolutely nothing, no short term memory

- no inner sensations

- before I was very humorous, now I dont understand jokes

- the few thoughts that I have tend to be disorganized, inappropriate, disgusting, which makes me thing that literally my soul is rotten or something 

 - people look "too small" and dead,

- completely disconnected from enviroment

- stuck in present moment, no past, no identity, no future

- unable to  process anything at all. Cant read. Cant play Video games. I literally just walk the dog and sleep, eat, repeat, then sometimes I start banging my head against the wall until my mother alarms the paramedics 

The list of what is wrong with me is endless. I was very isolated troughout my life which ended up in me having an extremly weak sense of self, then trauma happened and ugh

 

Because of this I lost my ability to have a relationship with my former boyfriend, lost the few friends that I managed to get, lost the few hobbies that I had, 

if I had the money and hell didnt exist I would apply for euthanesia in belgium

What kind of karma causes someone to end Up like this, holy shit. I couldnt imagine any type of situation that could be worse

 

I guess what I am hoping for is some sort of psychic miracle healer

I am at my absolute wits end

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@KatiesKarma I Think I have experienced similar things to what you describe. It will pass, it needs time, expect at least several months of this. Meanwhile look for a good doctor and a good therapist. 

Antidepressant were a bad experience for me. They didn't fix my brain and they made feel tired. Microdosing psychedelics is your best shot. Don't do trips, just small microdoses.

Also, Do you experience any depression, anxiety, social anxiety, paranoia? 

 

 

Edited by LSD-Rumi

Love, Strength and Intelligence is the real Holy Trinity 

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@KatiesKarma Hey, i'm really sorry that you are going through this at the moment. I do not have a perfect solution here, but would strongly advise you to seek professional help from a therapist in case you don't have one yet/anymore. If you feel like the ward was a safe place, there is no shame in going back until you feel more stable. If it wasn't, you can still look for other professional clinics where you may feel a million times safer and people will take better care of you. 

Another really important point is that you focus on keeping your body as safe and comfortable as you possibly can. Take care of it as though you were taking care of your own child. Take it out for walks when it needs it, keep it warm, keep it hydrated and eat enough. Relax it whenever you can. This can help a great deal with your psychological symptoms.

I know this sounds impossible, but when you're already feeling stuck in the present moment, try to see the good in it. Just try and maybe you can find a few sparks of light and hope here and there. When you cuddle with your dog or see the colourful leaves on the trees....tiny, simple and easy things. Nothing complicated.

There is a way out of this hell you think you're in right now, this state will pass and eventually things will get better for you again. It'll be okay. 

Edited by Judy2

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Hi, if you have the finances, I would recommend seeking out a clinical psychiatrist so that you can get a formal diagnosis.

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I'm really sorry for what you are going through, that is a really difficult situation, but not hopeless.

Psychiatric hospitals usually doesn't work well for healing the patients, they just try to keep the patients alive. This is why I advice on for seeking theraphy, it really does help in the end. But don't feel shame if you need to go back to hospital again, there is nothing wrong with it. Just remember that no matter how bad your situation is, healing is possible. Do things that make you feel good, don't feel gulty for your coping strategies, they're neccessary in the present.


There is neither creation nor destruction, Neither destiny nor free-will; Neither path nor achievement. --Sri Ramana Maharshi

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great to see you again, I remember your posts. I don't think you have any neurological damage, you think you are in a state of stupidity and a flat encephalogram but your post reads coherent, structured and brilliant, so pure distortion. courage and strength to go through hell. you can completely get out of this. I don't remember wanting to euthanize myself, but I thought in a lobotomy very seriously and having investigated it, seeing it as a liberation. you can completely break out of your mental torture and make your mind work like a perfect machine. You are in the rat maze. intelligence and courage to find the way. quite an exciting challenge

 

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How can i help you if you had sense of self would that help the case?

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I'm sorry you're going through this. I can relate to some of it because of my mercury poisoning. Unfortunately, I don't have any good advice for you, but I pray that you find the help and solution that you need. 

Consider the possibility that you need chelation therapy.

Edited by The Mystical Man

"Make a gift of your life and lift all mankind by being kind, considerate, forgiving, and compassionate at all times, in all places, and under all conditions, with everyone as well as yourself. That is the greatest gift anyone can give." - Dr. David R. Hawkins

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Do you have DPDR? Try contacting cheetah house or Michael Taft

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Quote

“Neuroplasticity” refers to your brain's ability to restructure or rewire itself when it recognizes the need for adaption

The brain is amazingly adaptive, flexible and can completely rewire itself. 

Focus on entirely kinesthetic activities, challenges, meditations and thinking processes. Connect back with the physical world. 

Are you able to read and write while remains aware of the room your in and not zooming in or over focusing in a stress state? 


How is this post just me acting out my ego in the usual ways? Is this post just me venting and justifying my selfishness? Are the things you are posting in alignment with principles of higher consciousness and higher stages of ego development? Are you acting in a mature or immature way? Are you being selfish or selfless in your communication? Are you acting like a monkey or like a God-like being?

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Sounds like a deep numbness..

  • Listen to calming music 
  • Focus on your breath as much as possible
  • Yoga & streching
  • Self-massage
  • Verbal ventilation - Vent your pain in a safe environment. Find a way to grieve. 
    • Scream into a pillow
  • Start a gratitude journal - Keep the journal open in a location you can come back to each day. List just one thing.
  • ***Grieving is probably the biggest thing to do. Process the stuck emotions with the best of your abilities. ***
Edited by Ethan1

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Zoloft was an excellent medicine for my life. Just for anyone reading.

But I've come off Zoloft twice (I am off it now). Have you considered you might be suffering from withdrawal? You may return to normal after a little while.

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I've been on this medicine twice and the come down is terrible.  I had the symptoms you present while going off of this medication and also during the worst of my psychosis episodes.

What helped me, was actually staying on some medicine combo for a year and then going off of it once I was in a stable frame of mind.  But it still had these side effects and for about three weeks right after, I was very irritable, suicidal and easily disturbed by most things.  It took some time to really get back into my old personality.

What could help you is to speak to a medical doctor first, and see if this is not related to any abnormality, like brain damage, vit b12 deficiency, hormone imbalance maybe - can even do this sometimes.  Check that out, make sure everything is normal - if it is, proceed with your journey, if not, fix those things and see if they help.

You might want to, while your brain is healing - add high quality fats, like nuts, occasionally fish, whole milk, olive oil, krill oil - as well as a lot of berries, such as blueberries, pomegranates, acai berries, things that have anti-oxidants in them, for brain health.  When I went off Effexor, I mitigated some of the symptoms by eating a more high quality fat diet for about two months and then went back to my normal diet.

Stress reduction - a lot of these things can be caused by stress.  It is okay to just eat, walk the dog and care for your hygiene for a while until you are back up to speed.  Take the time you need to heal first, don't add too much onto your plate.  Listen to calm music, start a journal and just let it out - let all the emotions you are working through, all the struggles that you have, let this come up and observe it - don't judge yourself.

Love yourself.  Completely.  Even with these new struggles.  Very important.

If things don't improve in a few months, I would talk to your family and to your doctor and ask them for honest opinions on maybe going back into the hospital for a while.  Write down a comprehensive list of what you are working through, all the symptoms - let them know that Effexor did not help you and not to put you back on it.  Sometimes it can take them a while to find the right medicine.  Don't be afraid to stick up for yourself and tell them if a medicine is not working.

Sometimes, the inner voice is encouraging
Calling for you to run those final few yards
You're nearly there
Keep going, keep going, keep going, keep going
It will all be OK in the end


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Yeah first thing is physical condition, keto diet(in particular pork ribs and lots of egg yolks in very low quantities of rice), wild caught salmon if you can afford it(never had it personally but they say it's great), with fat soluble b1(benfotiamine) helped my nerves recover and eliminating all kinds of processed sugars and normal fruits, Magnesium L-threonate, b12 methylcobalamin and maybe some vitamin d(gives me inflammation when I take too much), there're other really good stuff out there that I can't afford.

Simple fasting is great too, easy to go from keto to a little bit of fasting to calm everything down temporarily.
Eliminating things first is easy.
Maybe even a vegan diet could be good.
That's all I can inform you about with limited information.
Taking a lot of showers(don't have to apply stuff every time) is one of the easiest ways to improve circulation and help clean the system specially while fasting but of course be careful if you feel debilitated.
 

Edited by seriousman24

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On 10/14/2022 at 1:19 PM, KatiesKarma said:

I start banging my head against the wall 

Please don't do this. It can cause more damage.

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On 14-10-2022 at 8:19 PM, KatiesKarma said:

 

- completely disconnected from enviroment

- stuck in present moment, no past, no identity, no future

 

I'm sorry to hear what you are going through.  I had a taste of hell on a horrible bad trip so I also empathize with anyone going through what feels like eternal hell. 

I quoted those 2 symptoms you listed because they remind me a bit of ego death that you may be resisting.  I've heard before that depersonalization is kind of like the evil twin of enlightenment..

But as others have pointed out above, this may be the extra bad symptoms of the withdrawal effects of coming off of effexor.  

I'd like to recommend DMT breathwork.  Now these breathing techniques are said to produce DMT naturally, but in my experience, it doesn't have any psychedelic effects, but does make me feel good.  Sometimes better than other times, so  I wonder what makes the difference and now I think it's when I do it lying down, I will often feel the energy really in the neck area, making my neck move in a relaxing manner and I think when that happens more, this might increase  Cerebrospinal Fluid (CSF) flow but the breathwork in and of itself is also said to increase CSF flow.  

The Cerebrospinal Fluid (CSF) is a tremendously important part of the normal brain and body function. The CSF brings nutrients to the brain and takes away the toxic metabolic waste the brain is constantly producing.

The Wim Hof Method (another breathing technique combined with cold exposure) seems like a powerful method of not only inducing altered states of consciousness but also a protocol with which to induce distinct neuroplastic changes throughout the brain and nervous system.

The combination of breathing rounds (which vastly increase CSF production), CSF circulation (which has recently been tied with cleansing the brain), and breath retention which causes a surge of cerebral blood flow (while CSF volume is at it’s peak) seems optimized to induce positive neurological alterations via increased fluid dynamics. The cold immersion appears to add another layer of neuroplastic properties based on the notion of cortical homonculus.

BTW if you want to try the Wim Hof method with cold exposure, I'd recommend to first research it well and go slowly with the cold exposure and don't overdo the breath retentions either.  Best to lie down when doing breathwork I find.

This guy's channel has many good guided breathwork video's. I believe he said himself somewhere he used to have depersonalization and breathwork made him feel grounded again. 

Something else I thought of but haven't tried it myself, is craniosacral therapy which also works with the CSF flow.  Here's a video on how to do craniosacral self-massage. 

And my last tip is meditate with the lemniscate aka the infinity symbol. This can help restore balance and harmony and has a calming effect, especially if you're overwhelmed.    It may sound silly, but I think it's more powerful than some would believe and I read an interesting method of someone who used it to help cure their migraines by creating an Infinity Symbol with their eyes (explained here) and believes it connects the right and left hemispheres of your brain relieving stress.

Wishing you well!! 🌹🌹🌹

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Hope things are getting better. Sending peace and love. 

 

 

Edited by Ethan1

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@KatiesKarma I understand things might seem absolutely fucked for you rn and it sounds to me like you are, or were feeling incredibly distressed. 

If you're still in a place where you think that you have no other other options or you just want to try something else, I'd recommend trying the letting go technique out. My essential understanding is that you practice placing awareness on any emotion, no matter how subtle, until they either transform into another emotion or go away. I myself like to set a timer, in case the emotion doesn't shift.

Imo, you can also try doing the letting go technique on thought and body sensations. For example, place awareness on the thoughts you have, and observe it until the train of thought ends. I.e. if you are thinking "I can't go on... i can't go on... i can't go on", you would observe this until it changed into another train of thought, i.e. "I can't go on" might change into "I can't believe this" or something similar.

I haven't been to a psychiatric hospital myself, though a previous friend of mine has and I have considered going before. To my understanding, I have dealt with DPDR for most of life, as a consequence of, what i believe to be, trauma.

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Hey, do you know what caused this?


Don't wait for things to get better. Take proactive action.

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