Path

[Lila9]

I need a vacation from this forum. I'm so tired of male chatter, male ego and immaturity, it's literally everywhere here. I know too much, I know things that I really didn't ask to know. God please remove all this info from my head so I will look at men with a fresh eye again!

This place rarely support personal development but non-sense in a form of monkey talk. It reminds me how much I hate being around humans when they are in groups, there is so much phoneyness, stupidity, so much competition and passive aggressiveness behind the mask of spirituality and intellectual superiority.

 

 

 

 

 

[TheGreekSeeker]

I deleted my post. I think you misunderstood me. I was talking about a different person this time, not the person for whom I started a post a couple of weeks ago. I really want to talk to you about this, but I fear that if I start a thread I will get judged. I write to you here because I can't contact you differently.

[Lila9]

@TheGreekSeeker Hi, this rant wasn't about you but about the forum in general. I think that its contribution to people who really want to develop is very limited. Also personally as a woman I feel covertly pushed away (because no spiritual fart here will say it clearly that he values women here less than men). 

[TheGreekSeeker]

17 minutes ago, Lila9 said:

@TheGreekSeeker Hi, this rant wasn't about you but about the forum in general. I think that its contribution to people who really want to develop is very limited. Also personally as a woman I feel covertly pushed away (because no spiritual fart here will say it clearly that he values women here less than men). 

I know that this rant isn't about me. I just wrote here because I couldn't privately message you and this is somehow a sage space, your diary, I hope not many people read it. I agree that this place is inappropriate for women. Actuality of Being feels more right and respectful. 

[Lila9]

1 hour ago, TheGreekSeeker said:

I agree that this place is inappropriate for women. Actuality of Being feels more right and respectful. 

I relate to Leo's teaching style more and that's why it's so frustrating to receive those vibes here otherwise I wouldn't care. That would be more conscious if some men here would be less concerned with protecting their musculine egos and more concerned with treating both men and women as the divine consciousnesses we are all. It's very funny (and sad) to read someone who shares about God realization on one post and writes some sexist shit about women in another post, like, didn't their God realization made them realize that part of them is a woman too? 

 

[Lila9]

But it is what it is and I can't change people, only to do what is in my power. Meanwhile I prefer watching Leo's content, take what's valubale for me and be more concerned with my own personal development and improvement rather than others.

[Lila9]

I feel exhausted.

I'm volunteering in a dog shelter.

I love to do that and it makes me happy and fulfilled.

But I feel so emotionally tired after that. When I go back home I want to shut myself and don't speak to anyone. When my mother calls I don't even bother to answer. I text her that I'll call her later and I don't call her. Because if I'll answer I will either fake that I'm fine or cry. I don't have the will to fake that I'm good and if I cry I'll be judged by her for being too emotional and will be lectured to develop a thicker skin. She the type of people who demonise crying and see this as weakness rather than something normal and natural. Even when she herself cries, she feels gulity about it.

I'm overwhelmed by various things I see in the shelter. Some dogs are disabled, some have behavior issues, some endured enormous abuse and suffering through their short lives. I wish all of them will find a loving familiy that will treat them well and cherish them.

Meanwhile I do what I can to be a good friend to them, to show them the kind and compassionate side of humans. And they give me the most precious thing ever: unconditional love.

I don't know I feel really angry at humans and society now.

I'm tired of the cold society we are living in. By the selfishness of humanity. 

I understand that this is where we are at now and it takes time to improve as a species.

But I hate it.

 

 

 

 

Edited February 21 by Lila9

[Lila9]

Sometimes I meet these people who grew up in these secure and wealthy families and I feel envious. Like I can't really control it. I feel angry at them, like don't touch me, don't get closer to me because you won't understand anyways. I had a few friends like that, and they really didn't understand what is like growing up with a single and alcoholic mother, with neglected emotional and physical needs. These people have seen that I look normal and assume that I grew up in a normal household like they were. But not, and there is such a big hole in me and many things are missing but I'm not even sure what is missing. But on the other hand I know well what is missing. There are many obstacles between me and other people, between me and creating deeper relationships with individuals and society, even with myself and most of these obstacles are rooted in my childhood.

I hope I can delete memories and negative impressions from my mind. From my childhood, but also from all the stages of life, I want to re-program my mind. I definitely need to do some trauma work, I did some in the past but as I continue with life, new layers of trauma and pain from past expose and reveal themselves unexpectedly and I go back to this place where I overwhelmed by my past again.

I want to move on with life and improve my life but I fall into this darkness again and I feel gulity and judged for it, by the voice in my head of my mother and authorities in my life who never really understood my situation and told me to be strong, means, ignore your feelings and pain. And when I appeared like I do that I've got this conditional love of "we love you in your highs but ignore your downs as if you invented them".

I feel gulity and an imposter about the option of even seeking help. 

I don't know what to say, I feel angry and gulity and sad and manipulated and misunderstood. Sometimes I wake up randomly at nights, emotionally overwhelmed by longing feelings for my dog, I miss her so fucking much and everyday there is a battle between me and myself. I try to make sense of life without her. 

I try to focus on giving the love that I used to give her to the doggis in the shelter, to those pure souls. I wish I could take one or two to my place now but I feel so emotionally unstable so that would be not responsible of me.

 

I must slow down a bit.

 

 

 

 

[Lila9]

Just an overwhelming feeling of sadness because of how shallow and phony the modern world is. 

I wish I could live in the past. Yes. There were a lot of negative stuff but also things were simpler, more innocent, a bit more real. 

[Lila9]

No matter how developed or heald I think I am, when I encounter disrespectful ideas, people, approaches towards women, I feel helpless and triggered. It shows that I'm traumatized more than I'm wiling to admit. I don't like to see myself as a victim or as someone who has ever was is a powerless position, it hurts and painful to think about myself as such. But I was a victim in some points in my life and it affected me in a certain way and I probobly should look at those wounds with no fear or judgment. 

I don't know, in those moments when I'm triggered and I'm in my lower states I don't see the barrier society puts on women as a glass ceiling anymore but as a massive rockslide that I try to make my way up on a hill (or on a mountain to be more accurate) but with rocks falling directly on my head. That is my emotional experience of those moments.

  

Edited February 28 by Lila9

[Lila9]

I was spending a few hours in nature yesterday. In the begining I just walked and listened to the birds, breathed fresh air and looked at all the green around me. Then I decided to sit and mediate and for my surprise it was easy to enter to a mediative state. I enjoyed the session and I felt blissful by existence, embraced, loved, connected during and at the end of the session. Also I felt more connected to my femininity, I just sat there and was open and receptive to the bliss.

I realized that meditating in nature is easier compared to meditating between 4 walls, it's totally different experience. 

No wonder ancient people who were more connected to nature than as, could easily access mystical states that those of us who live in the industrial world have to put more effort in order to access them. 

 

[Lila9]

As I walked (I did a long walk today) I felt my legs and suddenly I felt a great sense of gratitude for having legs. And I was thinking about what would I do if I didn't had them? My life would look so different. 

That was intense, and from feeling a great sense of gratitude for having legs this feeling had spreaded to my entire body, of how strong, healthy and flexible it and how reliable my body usually is. If I need to pick up something and to carry it, it does it pretty good, if I need to be in a certain spot immediately a few meters near me I can get there quickly by fast walking or running without falling or loosing coordination, even if I'm lacking in sleep or tired, if something is really importent needed to be done, my body can take it.

I think that when I will get older, the pain of loosing my youth beauty as a woman wouldn't be as strong as losing the relative strength my body has now that helps me to do so many practical and fun things.

I find it very grounding, to acknowledge the great service my body has done for me and still doing for me. 

I feel bad for not treating it well in the past, like ignoring it and being too much in my mind, over-working it, ignoring physical pain, ignoring emotions that were felt in the body, eating unhealthy food, smoking, using drugs carelessly, sleeping with men I didn't really want to sleep with, having bad sleep patterns etc.

My body totally deserve my caring, compassion, awarness and investment, and I feel that by that I heal my intergenerational trauma because when I think about my mother, grandmother, great grandmother, they probobly didn't have a positive relationship with their bodies and for some of them they didn't really feel like they owned their bodies or that it something that truly belonged to them and not to other people (like their husbands, children and society in general).

 

[Lila9]

On 1/27/2023 at 0:35 PM, Lila9 said:

I was listening to this last night.

I have the passion for doing philosophy but I can't dedicate time for it now because my mind is still preoccupied with survival. Doing philosophy at that point won't be much geniune or responsible. I can do it to some degree but not in the way I want. I think everyday about my next job and how I'm going to financially support myself throught my life. I want to have a stable source of income in a workplace that won't require me to meet people, like a remote job because it's literaly affecting my level of happines, motivation, mind clarity. I work the best when I'm alone physically without any distractions.

During watching this episode I asked myself how much I care about Truth. And my answer was that for now, not much because my materialistic needs havn't completely met yet, I have savings that I earned with hard work throught my life but it's enough for maybe a year from now so I have to have a good and suitable job maximum a year from now. And yes it took me years to realize how importent it's to have a good  source of money so I have the freedome to do whatever I really want.

It doesn't mean that I don't care about truth at all, I care about it more than most people but not in the way that would make me to be reckless and risk my survival at this point of my life.

 

I realized that I'm doing philosophy without even noticing, that it's not something that I just can turn off because I don't have a stable income yet. I find myself going back home from the dog's shelter and wonder.

And I also realized that Leo talked in this video about very agressive way to do it, and it requires great sacrifices and commitment to find the Truth.

But I don't think so. I think that it's enough to ask the questions, and leave them open to the universe to answer, without being too stressed and attached to answer them or to find the Truth. I realized that once we ask questions in our heart and leave them open without answers the answers come as insights or as experience in our life that answer those questions (and then lead to more new questions).

 I feel that it's not only importent to trust our mind to break things down and help us to answer questions, but also being receptive to answers from the universe. They might even give us more depth.

 

[Lila9]

I feel pissed off, tired and overwhelmed. 

 

[Lila9]

I've found out that obsidian is a powerful and protective crystal from negative energy.

I've started to carry this stone with me in my pocket to everywhere. Because I'm a highly sensitive person and I absorb negativity from my surroundings quite easily and then feel overwhelmed. 

But the most fascinating thing with this crystal is its powerful healing effect. It shows us the true of what is really going on inside us. It's weaken various phycological egoic coping mechanisms and brings up things from the subconscious, like a drug. And many times those things are uncomfortable feelings and thoughts that we suppress and other shadow aspects. 

I'm pretty amazed of the effect crystals have on me. Like wow. It's really working. 

If I feel stressed I feel immediately at ease when I hold a crystal quartz, it's as if I took a drug, but I didn't, this effect on me is because of one tiny stone. 

Crystals have naturally high vibration, and their effect on us was something that ancient people knew very well and were using in various religious and healing rituals. 

Crystals perfectly connect with the energy centers in our body, which are our chakras and they help to balance them.

I can take a specific crystal that affects a certain imbalanced chakra in my body, and meditate with this crystal for a while or just to hold it  consciously and it will help with balancing the chakra. 

It doesn't mean that the effect will be forever because chakras can get imbalanced again even after they got balanced, because nothing is fixed. Chakras are very dynamic. Still, it's wonderful.

 

 

[Lila9]

There is this man in the shelter who is a veteran volunteer there and he kind of responsible with other veterans on newer volunteers.

And everytime he approaches me or asks me to do something he calls me baby, honey, sweety, as if I'm his gf or wife. And he is a married man in his 30's.

I always try to avoid him but he always find excuses to come to me in a way that looks professional from the outside, but when he knows that there is no one around us he starts talking to me like that. It gives me the creeps but I always respond in a professional and detached way that dismisses his attitude and find excuses not to stay alone with him.

It's not the first time that it's happening to me and almost in everyplace I worked there was one man with a boring marriage life who tried to manipulate me in some way, usually older than me. It was another thing if I was receptive to such a behaviour with me but I'm clearly not and it doesn't seem like it's bothering him.

I asked him calling me by my name only and not "baby" and names alike and he said that I'm overreacting and too serious and that I need to warm up and also smile more. Wow, so annoying, like a small pesky bug.

Are crystals effective for such idiotism? Maybe if I'll throw them on him. Directly on his eyes. Now I have to find a fast way to learn how to be a good sniper. I've never thought that I would think about using crystals in such a way.

[Something Funny]

1 hour ago, Lila9 said:

Are crystals effective for such idiotism?

 

 

 

[Lila9]

2 hours ago, Something Funny said:

 

 

 

This song is hilarious. I don't belive that it exists 😂

So as I understand, the answer is yes.

[Something Funny]

@Lila9 this band was hilarious in general, haha. 

Their main theme was dark fairy tails. Some songs are funny, some sad, some creepy, some kind of epic 

 

36 minutes ago, Lila9 said:

So as I understand, the answer is yes

Yep, absolutely👍

Edited March 23 by Something Funny

[Something Funny]

This one had me dead when Ibfirst heard it, haha