Free-Association Journal

[kag101]

just want to write random stuff here, without the need of having to make sense, prove a point, etc. just let things flow and see where it leads me.

today i had a deep insight about my difficulties with socializing. thing is, as soon as things get "informal", i freeze. it's as if i'm trying to drive a car with the hand-brake up.

today i was at college and i was hanging out with some friends at a bar. i was tensed, in overthinking mode, and feeling as if i was the most boring person in the world (which became a self-fulfilling prophecy in a way). i felt as if i was in 6th grade again, where i felt that i, as an individual, was faulty, as if i was lacking something in my core. i found myself really wanting to have a drink. but as soon i noticed that, i paused a bit. i mean, it's okay to drink. but it can't be my only doorway to entering social mode. i don't need that. i know that i can be myself (more introverted), interact with others, and actually add to the conversation.

when i was heading home, i was about to send a message to my therapist reflecting about this topic. but instead, i started to ponder about that just in my thoughts. and it really cleared my mind. it's interesting to revisit those old fears but with a more matured view of the world. when i was a teenager, everything felt so overwhelming. my emotional intelligence was low. i was neurotically trying to overcome my psychological problems -- which always backfired. 

anyway, what i got from today:

• take off this huge weight i put on your shoulders that i have to have extremely high social skills

• it's okay if you take longer to get intimate with someone

• when in a group, focus on making short comments about what they are saying.

 

people love to talk. but the thing is, i also have to give my 2 cents, or else it'll become boring.

so, yeah... i feel like this strategy of "just giving my two cent here and there" is going to work. this is something doable. i have done it before, and it worked. i definitively don't want to feel like today on a regular basis.

i know i can do this. i'm not a lost 12-year-old anymore. i have a good support network. i have had a good social performance in the past 3 years. so i'll see how it goes!

ps: i might go to a college party on saturday. i still don't know, because it's kinda expensive, but i think it would be worthy...