Sex & Masculinity

[Wednesday]

Hi everyone. I've been interested in various forms of self-actualisation for over a year now, but I've never dipped my toes into a dedicated community before. It's cool that this forum exists and I'm hoping to make some good friends here.

I began getting into self development after going through several years of deep depression and finally recognising the fact that my only real problem was my perspective on life (or "shit psychology" as Leo once aptly coined it). Through dropping the victimhood mentality and taking responsibility for my wellbeing, through reading a lot of amazing books, online content and meditations, I've reached a point where I'm far more stable and content as a person. I can't tell you how much gratitude I feel for honestly being able to say that.

At the moment, I guess you could say that my life is filling my basic needs. I have a good career, enough free time to dedicate towards this journey of growth, and perhaps most importantly I posess the certainty that I'm able to meet life's challenges even if I stumble along the way. And as I'm young (mid-20s), this early investment into my self-improvement will pay huge dividends in the years to come. I've already dragged my wellbeing score from a 1 to a 6, perhaps. And now I'm looking to bump it up to a 10.

So... I'm now going to talk about the two reasons why I made the thread. They are hard to express and I'm even reluctant to recognise their existence, but I'll try and be 100% honest here.

1) I'm a 27 year old man, and I've never had any kind of relationship or intimacy. Moreover, I've been afraid on some deep level of even learning about sex, and it's only been very recently that I've started making an effort to research it. Up until now I've resolved the sexual tension by watching kink porn, having close-but-not-romantic friendships with women, and convincing myself that I don't really need a relationship anyway. I'm not sure if making "Get laid" or "Get into a relationship" is a sensible goal here. I'm actually totally clueless here so I'm wide open for advice.

2) Related to the above perhaps, I feel threatened by confident young men. I tend to feel jealous of their ability with women, afraid of their judgement, and inadequate in my social standing. This is so hard for me to admit, but it's true. I recognise that these feelings result from my own internal deficiencies and that it has little to do with my actual life situation. I feel uncomfortable as a man. I'm not falling into the "How do I be Alpha?" trap, I'm just looking to be authentic I guess. One day I would like to have these same "threatening" men as my friends. 

This journal will be about how I approach and process the two problems outlined above. Although I'm interested in many fields of self-actualisation, these two feel to me like they're the most important to address.

Edited February 12, 2017 by Wednesday
Screwed up the thread title. ;)

[Wednesday]

13th Feb 2017

On Saturday I was having some dinner with some friends / colleagues, including a guy who I never met before. He's currently going out with a girl who I've had a thing for for a while now, and I would be false for saying that I'm not jealous of him. What struck me about him wasn't his personality or charisma, but that he seemed so well grounded in who he was. A very authentic person I guess you could say. I get the impression that it would take a lot to faze this guy. I found this quite intimidating to be honest!

It led to me to start reflecting on the nature of authenticity the day afterwards. What does it mean to be authentic? Why are we so often inauthentic? At what points do I tend to side with authenticity and inauthenticity? Why is authenticity so magnetic?

The more I thought and reflected, the more I began to recognise a link between authenticity and self-esteem. If I am uncomfortable with my authentic self, if I do not think I am good enough as a person or capable of handling life's challenges, I will seek reassurance from others in some form. This might manifest itself as seeking compliments, exaggerating stories, or outright lying. And if I'm dependent on how other people see me, if keeping up appearances is seen as necessary, then I find myself unable to risk being honest with people and losing their approval.

The connection between authenticity and self-esteem is a deep truth for me to discover, because it's made me aware of how fragile my sense of self-esteem really is. I am not at all comfortable in being myself much of the time, particularly in front of hot women and young men. I'll generally find myself trying to impress the former and awkwardly trying to appease (or downright avoid) the latter.

So... what I'm going to attempt to do is be more authentic, and say what's on my mind without thinking too hard about how the other party will react to it. I'll observe what happens. It's probably not nearly as scary as I envision it to be. So far I've been more or less totally open in this journal, and even though typing some things feels awkward as hell, it feels good to get it out there in some shape or form.

Cheers for reading.

[Wednesday]

14th Feb 2017

I've started reading Nathaniel Branden's "The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem". The content in this book is so deep. I find myself having to pause and think every other paragraph just to give myself the space to absorb his ideas! Just to give you a feel for this depth, I've been reading for 10-ish days and I'm only on page 30. It's been an incredible read so far, and I recommend it to anyone interested in self-improvement.

One of the ideas that Nathaniel offers us early in the book is an emphasis on action. Our self-efficacy and self-worth are a reflection of the actions we take in life (Example: It would be nonsensical to have a high regard for my ability in X, if I never exercised that ability). We cannot "think" our way to having a high self-esteem, nor can we grow it by "feel good" activities like seeking compliments or blowing ourselves kisses in the mirror. The emphasis on action entangles self-esteem with how we live out our values: Our morality, our responsibilities, and how we direct our awareness.

Unfortunately I don't have much time to post more about this topic today. I find it deeply interesting and empowering though!

Cheers for reading.

 

[Wednesday]

15th Feb 2017

Every Tuesday I attend a meditation group in the evenings. There's a little bit of "woo" here and there, but it's filled with good people who are just looking for peace and happiness in this world, same as me.

At the beginning of each session, we take turns sharing how our week has been. How we've been feeling, how our practise is going, etc. I haven't been hugely honest in these expressions, and have felt a need to butter it up. "Oh yeah, my week's been great", or "Meditation is going nicely!".

As I've been reflecting on the nature of authenticity and being honest with both myself and others, I felt that now would be a good time to try it out. Truth is, I've had a pretty difficult week, both with other people and uncovering some uncomfortable truths about myself. I shared the difficulties I was facing with my group, and felt my face going completely red. I was hugely embarrassed. But really, it felt so good to share that with other people, and to honour myself in doing so.

[Wednesday]

 22nd Feb 2017

Over the last week, I've been fortunate enough to do a great deal of meditation and introspection.

One of the things I've been reflecting on is my tendency towards trying to please others. Often I will find myself signing up to events that I don't really want to participate in, or worrying about how a person sees me and "holding back" my true feelings, opinions and motivations. The occasional white lie slips through my lips, often trying to protect some sort of self image (I don't want to be seen as "uncool", "stupid" or a "loner").

Where does this "need" for approval come from? Clearly, I hold a doubt in my ability to live my own life. I find it difficult to be open with people because on some level I "know" that I am "wrong" for life, that I am unable to properly cope with life's challenges and that I don't deserve the success and happiness I might reap from pursuing my dreams. I see others as necessary to sustain my own happiness, because I believe I cannot supply it on my own. And if others were ever to see me for who I "really" was, they'd abandon me.

I found this to be an interesting train of thought. But it leaves open two very important questions:

1) What is it that makes me lack self-efficacy and self-worth in the first place?

2) What is it that other people actually give me that's so important? I'm thinking about this question very deeply, because the answer is not obvious.

I'm still pondering these. There's a lot that I could write, but alas my time on the computer is over.

Until next time, and thanks for reading.