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Panteranegra

EXISTENCIAL CRISIS after a car ACCIDENT. Help!

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Hey guys,

I know you are busy and might not be willing to read it fully.

But if you happen to have time to read it, I would love to hear your wise point of view

I am 31 years old guy and moved to Spain 3 years ago.

Before starting, let me tell you that I love Leo’s work and I have been following him since 2014. I have been integrating lots of his advice and teachings. I have psychedelics, doing kriya yoga, have been in therapy, being on spiritual retreats and so on. I am the type of person who is seeking enlightenment and my life purpose together.

In a sense, I have been making spiritual progress. But on the other hand, my human existence is chaotic and causing me lots suffering, stress, anxiety, pain and lot's of guilt, and frustration.

Why?

Since two years ago, I have been recovering from a business bankruptcy that made my lost 5 years of savings too. I haven't totally recovered from it yet— not emotionally nor financially, but I have been making progress with the intention of being an entrepreneur again, since is related to my life purpose.

In June 2022, I had a car accident that flipped my life upside-down.

In April, I got a summer job where I was making enough money to cover my monthly expenses and needs.
The summer job required a vehicle so I bought one mid-April 2022. However, two months later, mid-June 2022, someone speeding hit me from the back.
I lost my vehicle which I was not supposed to be driving at all, until getting my full driver license permit validated.
I knew I was not supposed to be driving but I took the risk anyway since I needed it to cover many bills.
Also, I have been waiting 2 years to get my driver license validated in Spain, (things in Spain takes time sometimes).

So during the accident the police found out that I was not suppose to fully driving, so I went to court and paid 750 euros ticket in a short deadline.

Also the accident let me to other problems:

·      The car reparation was more expensive than the car. I declared total loss of the vehicle.
·      I don’t have vehicle to go to work.
·      I have to wait around 3 months to get answer for the other’s car insurance company, which is from the Netherlands.

The good things were:

-       I did well in court. It didn’t not affect my license points and criminal records. They could see I have been trying to validate the license as I could prove my case.

-       Also, I started physical therapy, and I am fully recovered from the whiplash, that the car accident caused me, which is a neck injury due to forceful, rapid back-and-forth movement of the neck.

But also… I have been struggling in many other ways too:

1.     Main job: Before summer, I was working in a yoga studio. It was my main job, but I stopped teaching classes there. The studio I was working haven't paid me the last month of the season due to financial issues. Also, they close during the summer and will re-open in September, but I am not planning to come back.

2.   I have been feeling lonely. After the accident, my girlfriend (now my ex) seemed to not care about me. She is spending the summer in Germany until October, but since she left  in June she got very busy and emotionally distant. I sense that she didn’t want to be with me anymore, so we broke up on a phone call this week. In a sense, I felt she only wanted me for sex. Although, she is supposed to be conscious human being as she is a life coach and yoga teacher, but egotism tendencies are there.

3.     Also, regarding to my friends I have been losing emotional connection with them too. I don’t count that much with their support neither. I think the reason why is because I have been changing and integrating different values. So, I don’t connect that much with them in many ways, such as joining party plans and all that. I even feel judge by them in some respects and in a sense lack of empathy.

4.     My family is doing the best they can to support me, but at the same time, my situation affects them in many ways too.

5.     I have been losing my hair over the past 2 years due to stress (alopecia areata).

6.     Also, I discovered that my summer job boss has been posting my personal pictures without my contentment to promote their business. I told my boss to take all the pics down and he did take most of them down. But also he blocked my calls and of course he is not giving work. It’s an opportunity to sue him taking in consideration that I am dealing with a red/orange spiral dynamic type of boss, I could teach him a good lesson, but I want to put my focus on my life purpose. Also, I am not sure how much money I’ll get for it anyways and not sure if it’s worth the time and energy.

7.     Currently, I am in Malaga, Spain putting my focus to move to Barcelona as soon as I find employment there. The main reason are because I have family support there and I’ll be open to more job opportunities.

I am seeking a 9 to 5 job in the fitness industry since is related to my life purpose.

The main problem is that you have no idea how hard is to find a decent job, with decent salary is in Spain. If you are from the US or Scandinavian countries you have no idea how easier you have it for a job. I know that because I lived in Miami for a year and used to work 3-4 jobs at the same time.

In Spain, most salaries are around 1000-1200 dollars for a full-time job, work conditions are not good neither, lots of Spanish people work 12 hours and get 1 day free a week. It’s not easy to find a job here, not even a bad one! Spain has a high unemployment rate. So I am dealing with the difficulties to find a humane job here. People migrate from Spain to Scandinavian countries due to that reason.

So I have been putting together my resume and applying to jobs. Not sure how much time will take but makes me anxious.

8.     Also, I have been trying to make money online trying to make my life purpose happen, but I haven’t been successful on that yet. I even hired a business coach last winter, but I could afford him only for 1 month. Being Entrepreneur in Spain is extremely hard. Mostly because to be a legal one, you must pay more than 300 euros a month to the government (autonomo), and my rent Is also due every month.

I am willing to keep fighting for my life and life purpose. It’s not always easy when dealing with depression, periods of hopelessness, frustration over my current external conditions.

I have been keeping my spiritual practices such as pranayama, meditation and lifting weight. Now, I can only afford cannabis as a psychedelic tool, which is always really helpful. But I smoke only 3 to 5 days a month since it makes dull and numb.

I am really doing my best on keeping the des-identification with Maya. It hasn’t been easy to keep a high level of consciousness and vibration due to external conditions.

Yes! “the only way out is in”. But still… Spiritual practice helps but still... 

So in summary since june 2022

-        I had a car accident

-        I have to wait 3 months to get insurance compensation.

-       The studio I was working with haven't paid me the last month so I am not coming back in September.

-        My (ex)girlfriend emotionally abandoned me and used me for sex.

-        My summer job has been posting my personal pictures without my contentment and they fired me.

-        I am looking for fitness jobs in Barcelona.

-        I have been losing my friends.

-        I am struggling to pay the rent.

-        I have been eating on a budget since the accident.

-       Sometimes I am okay about my life situation.

-       Sometimes I am depressed.

-       Sometimes I am thankful for all the learned lessons and spiritual growth.

-       Sometimes I am frustrated and feel guilty.

-       Sometimes I can focus on my purpose and get inspired by it.

-       Sometimes I feel nihilistic and pessimistic.

-       Yes this too shall pass, but sometimes I feel very stuck.

-      Sometimes, I think I really need help, but I don’t ask for it.

-       Sometimes, I think I really need help and try to do different things such as writing this in this forum.

Anyways,

Thank to make it until here.

I am open to receive any kind of help and advice.

Thank you!

Edited by Panteranegra
was not mean to post it yet.

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That sounds like a lot you're going through all at once. It's a dip and you will come out of it in the long run if you keep taking those actions you're speaking of. It's good you're taking care of your health, both mentally and physically. If reaching out here helps you get by mentally then you're on the right track. I guess job-wise when there aren't many options I'd just take whatever's available but if that's not even there.. move somewhere where there are jobs, etc.

I personally wouldn't feel like having no savings and struggling to pay rent would be a solid place to start a business that will last (well depends on the type and your overall situation, and how much upfront cost there are..). But that's all up to you to decide how much risk you want to take there. There are some cases I could make where a riskier but intelligently made decision is better. Sometimes you can also get stuck in building a "safety net" for too long before taking a dive. There are lots of small scale self-employment type things one can do with little cost to get you going before you're ready to do something you really wanted but requires more capital, I am just not sure how it works in Spain and regulation/cost..

Edited by puporing

"We're all born naked and the rest is drag." - RuPaul ❣ Nothing but love.

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great to read about the nice working conditions in Spain. I am Spanish, and I have always worked on my own. I worked for 1 year on a salary and I thought: I prefer to go to jail, or even euthanasia would be a better option. so almost always outside the law. As you say, here they put obstacles for everything. you have to be a tank, advance without worrying about obstacles. According to what you tell and explain, I tell you what I see: you say that you are looking to actualize yourself and enlightenment. This happens by ceasing to be dependent on others. All this circumstance you are going through tells you: be autonomous. search within you. only in you is the answer, both about actualizing and enlightenment. Stop depending on others. what I would do: become a warrior monk. no Netflix, no reading, no evasion. work and meditation. meditation is hobby enough. being present is more than any other nonsense. just my opinion, what I do to stay focused. friendships, sex, etc, are all very well, but without depending on them at all. any dependency is a barrier, and a very big one, in your way

 

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