Sitting through challenging trips

[5-D - L O V E]

So yesterday I did my first trip ever with mushrooms, in the past I've had experience with mainly lsd, helping its integration with mdma and marijuana (which seems to work for me).

Something has become clear to me this time, not that I never noticed it on lsd (I've had a couple dozen experiences in the last 5 years) and they all have these themes in common, some of which are still challenging to integrate:

1. Once my ego is mostly out, energetic work comes seamlessly through breath work, fractal energetic yoga, speaking in tongues (that make sense in the moment), and sitting in symmetry. This point in okay.
2. Downloads and obvious yet profound insights come automatically if the underlying work has been done before hand: meditation, shadow work, inquiry, reading and research, deconstruction... This point is okay.
3. Whenever "I" step in, my ego (and everything within it) becomes amplified, this leads to me feeling deeply nostalgic for childhood, the love I recieved from my mother, love I feel for all the people I love, and a deep feeling of being an eternal child (in some cosmic sense). Now I don't know what to make out of this really. On some point it feels like needed past recontextualizations, and a geniune acknoledgement of gratitude, but on the other hand, it feels like its a barrier from me being more present in god mode, atleast for that moment. Which feels like a waste afterwards since some of my trips end up feeling incomplete, or am I just getting ahead of the process?
4. Consciousness turning fully "crazy", like I (my ego) realize how much for anything to work is a miracle, the infinite inherent goodness in everything, and having everything on the verge of being lost, or having it lost (for that moment) makes me like I obviously lack control over the energies at play here and thank god that everything is within "His" control, and not my ego's. Yet I feel like no amount of preparation is enough for that, and paradoxically, the larger the doses, the more god is present, the clearer everything is, which makes the relatively lower doses more challenging to work with (at times). 
5. Death. Impermanence being so in your face, and having the anxt and fear stay even after surrender. I know death is gonna be the last state to fully accept and integrate, and I realize I may be not be fully ready for it (yet) although I feel I like I've done it in the past, should I just learn to sit through that feeling?

 

Now, I'll be having atleast one month off until my next trip but I've been wondering if meanwhile I should double down on my consciousness work, and take meditation and yoga more seriously, or just learn to flow and improvise and deal with less "control" overall, or is it something else completely ? 

Edited July 24, 2022 by 5-D - L O V E

[5-D - L O V E]

I realize now that through this post I'm mainly trying to get my psychedelic practice checked by more experienced psychonauts.

It's like with athletic work, music practice or even research, sometimes we don't realise how inneficient our ways are until we see someone doing things through deeper experience, you realize then that it's not about what they're practicing, but more in the hows, their focus with which exercise, how they go about assessing their effectiveness, conscious integration of intuitive work and flow...

[Razard86]

3 hours ago, 5-D - L O V E said:

So yesterday I did my first trip ever with mushrooms, in the past I've had experience with mainly lsd, helping its integration with mdma and marijuana (which seems to work for me).

Something has become clear to me this time, not that I never noticed it on lsd (I've had a couple dozen experiences in the last 5 years) and they all have these themes in common, some of which are still challenging to integrate:

1. Once my ego is mostly out, energetic work comes seamlessly through breath work, fractal energetic yoga, speaking in tongues (that make sense in the moment), and sitting in symmetry. This point in okay.
2. Downloads and obvious yet profound insights come automatically if the underlying work has been done before hand: meditation, shadow work, inquiry, reading and research, deconstruction... This point is okay.
3. Whenever "I" step in, my ego (and everything within it) becomes amplified, this leads to me feeling deeply nostalgic for childhood, the love I recieved from my mother, love I feel for all the people I love, and a deep feeling of being an eternal child (in some cosmic sense). Now I don't know what to make out of this really. On some point it feels like needed past recontextualizations, and a geniune acknoledgement of gratitude, but on the other hand, it feels like its a barrier from me being more present in god mode, atleast for that moment. Which feels like a waste afterwards since some of my trips end up feeling incomplete, or am I just getting ahead of the process?
4. Consciousness turning fully "crazy", like I (my ego) realize how much for anything to work is a miracle, the infinite inherent goodness in everything, and having everything on the verge of being lost, or having it lost (for that moment) makes me like I obviously lack control over the energies at play here and thank god that everything is within "His" control, and not my ego's. Yet I feel like no amount of preparation is enough for that, and paradoxically, the larger the doses, the more god is present, the clearer everything is, which makes the relatively lower doses more challenging to work with (at times). 
5. Death. Impermanence being so in your face, and having the anxt and fear stay even after surrender. I know death is gonna be the last state to fully accept and integrate, and I realize I may be not be fully ready for it (yet) although I feel I like I've done it in the past, should I just learn to sit through that feeling?

 

Now, I'll be having atleast one month off until my next trip but I've been wondering if meanwhile I should double down on my consciousness work, and take meditation and yoga more seriously, or just learn to flow and improvise and deal with less "control" overall, or is it something else completely ? 

You only have one issue and it isn't all the things you said....you don't know how to turn off your mind. I'll give you a tip, because I used to have your problem. Logic is not the way to the truth. If you reread what you posted you will see all the different ways you looked at your experiences, there are infinitely more ways to look at them. So first question. 1. If there are an infinite number of ways of looking at and interpreting your experiences which is the right way to interpret it? Is there a right way? How would you find it?

The next issue is you are putting too much emphasis on this experience, you are too serious (I have the same issue) which means you place meaning on everything. Here is the secret to life....its meaningless. Any meaning you think you derived, you didn't derive it, you ascribed it. So you create meaning, which is wonderful because that is what art is. But understand you only experience yourself, so whatever interpretation you have...its you NEVER the thing.

So if you say something is bad, its not bad its just bad for you because it brings uncomfortable experiences. Always remember this, bad is subjective it is not objective. Use this to gauge where you are at. Your only goal should be learning to become less selfish, that is the main thing psychedelics teach. They teach humbleness, and unity which is just another word for reintegration. Expanding Consciousness is just another word for expanding your definition of the self to mean the universe. 

[Davino]

I have also felt existential humbleness while on psychedelics. In my trip this sentence came to mind: The wise man is a simple man. If you understand, you understand. When everything goes so complex and almost to infinity suddendly everythings is simple, in the doing moment of the now, you do what you are doing, everything is it's own point.

[Razard86]

On 7/25/2022 at 4:56 AM, Davino said:

I have also felt existential humbleness while on psychedelics. In my trip this sentence came to mind: The wise man is a simple man. If you understand, you understand. When everything goes so complex and almost to infinity suddendly everythings is simple, in the doing moment of the now, you do what you are doing, everything is it's own point.

You get it!!! Great comment!! Now go forth and embody it!!