Mind Clearing Section

[Alex bAlex]

Not only that I am a weirdo but I start to get concerned... I'm so disconnected from society.... It's all so false. 

Last night I had a work meal and a drink and it was so cringe and I was so out of the place and mute that I couldn't believe myself. 

Now it's getting harder and harder to break back in society - it's so... Stupid and unconscious....

[Alex bAlex]

Not posting or hanging out around here much.... I'm growing, I have work to do, but now and then I find myself in a waiting room, checking this form and then I see titles like "Andrew Tate's powerful video" and I'm like... Yeah not much to go around here. Plus seeing people hooked on Leo posting something like flies to shit... Wtf dudes there's looooot of work to be done and integrated, and you care about Andrew Tate... *Sigh*

Edited May 19 by Alex bAlex

[Alex bAlex]

A bit of tidilation for the audiophiles around here

 

[Alex bAlex]

Alright alright - monk mode - deactivated.  Whoooo yah - booyakasha -- dum dum dum dum

I'm high - I'm very high - but not that kind of high that most of you are thinking about - I am high on my own supply. For real -  I got a huge release of a brain chemical cocktail after a loooooong period of shutting down my pleasures. 

Today I have passed my CySA+ exam, making me a Cybersecurity Analyst (not really - but you get the gist - I got that damn paper ). And omg, before clicking submit exam my heart was breaking out of my chest and felt like puking multiple times during 2.5 hours of the exam. Then I saw "The minimum passing score for this exam is 750 (out of 900)" and I was like  - fuck, I have failed- " You have scored 777 - Congratulations - you have passed this exam"  - I almost puke again. 

So where have I left this thread - ah I entered monk mode - in April I cancelled 3 of my tickets to London clubs deciding to put my head down and cruise full-on learning. That was tough - then as the sneaky devil is testing you, my Dj friend is texting me that 1. He will be going to play live (keyboards and synth) for the first time in Bristol and he would like me to join him. and 2. If I don't join him at least to not miss Inella at Brixton. And I felt bad but I said NO. Somehow I regret it on the moment, but I knew that I have to stay strong on the path. 

And I did, day by day, only courses and mock exams. I had my plan to take 3 exams till the 25th of July (6 months probation anniversary of my current job). And I was set up to take Security+, PenTest+ and finish Gracefully with CySa+.  And I did the Security+ and passed at the being of May. Then, because the devil is sneaky, I was thinking why to waste time and jump straight to CySa+ (this exam was included in my paid tuition fee from an online academy). Bear in mind that Comptia suggests having 3-4 years of hands-on experience in a security role before taking this exam. This is a mid-tier exam, whereas Security+ is an entry-level one. 

 

And I deviate from my plan twice - first I was thinking to pay for Linux+ instead of PenTest+, then I dropped all this and shoot straight for CySa+. As you can imagine, I wasn't ready, And I could feel it. I needed at least one more week of preparation. Anyway - at the end of May I sat the test and scored 729. Fail. Ahh, That's ok, regroup and order more study material and mock exams. But it drains my budget - I had to pay from my pocket for Sec+ and for the second sitting of CySa and it adds up to a pretty penny - especially when you work for minimum wage and are freshly bankrupt.

So the stakes of my second sitting were pretty high - not that I would have lost big things if I wouldn't pass but I would have to put over more time with people at work who are so fucking asleep that they have not a spec of a clue of what they are missing on life ( their biggest goals are to eat "good" food away from home - usually working sites full of dust and with heavy safety boots - chav life). Plus almost 4 months of work -gym-home-study-work routine is taking its toll. There were another couple of attempts from my friends to get me out but stuck to my guns and politely said no. I would be very ashamed now to say - hey I have missed all those good moments with you and still didn't pass my exam.  - Am I so fragile?

Also, I have to work on the other important aspect of my life - socialising and communication. Failing this exam would have thrown me way back another couple of months. 

But it's over  - I can breathe. 

The past 6-10 months have been - WOW - Incredible. 

 

If you read this I want you to that everything is possible as long as you establish your goals and stay on the path. Personal and spiritual developments are hard as fuck, they are paying dividends if you managed to stick to your goals. I might not have the most technical knowledge in my field but I get praised for my attitude and the way I approach things. "We can teach you tech stuff but we can't teach you attitude" was the reply from my boss when I told her that I am not very good at creating server images. 

Even Alex is saying it - stop wasting your TIME - with shit like Tate :)) 

 

[Alex bAlex]

Can't wait to get back to "my church" to heal my heart and hurts and to taste a bit of GOD, getting up to date with music and reading and listening to audiobooks and material other than technical stuff like Trusted Platform Module and IPS and IPsec - damn I can't even breath properly

God is a DJ - how could it be anything else? 

This is my church
This is where I heal my hurts
It's in natural grace
Or watching young life shape
It's in minor keys
Solutions and remedies
Enemies becoming friends
When bitterness ends
This is my church
This is my church
This is my church

This is my church
This is where I heal my hurts
It's in the world I've become
Contained in the hum
Between voice and drum
It's in the change
The poetic justice of cause and effect
Respect, love, compassion

This is my church
This is where I heal my hurts
For tonight
God is a DJ
For tonight
God is a DJ
This is my church

 

[Alex bAlex]

 

[Alex bAlex]

 

[Alex bAlex]

I've been consistent with the gym for the past 15weeks (5 days no matter what). Yesterday I was training with kettlebells and one of the guy at the gym (I keep seeing him often and looking that he knows what he is doing) offered me some advice on how to snatch and lift so not to get hurt in the long run.

I was happy to be shown how to exercise correctly. However this fucked me up this morning. I had no other reason to skip the gym but the fact that this guy might be there and that I am not able to do the exercises properly...

I was also feeling tired as fuck but I know that as soon as I would get out of the door I will wake up. 

 

So what the heck is going up there in the mind. Why I am avoiding people. This is not good. in this way I cannot build meaningful connections and friendships. 

 

Also I am a bit stressed and tiered as I started a new job this week, but more on that later on. 

Still, it's 6:13 am here, I still have the chance to hit the gym in the evening or postpone it for Saturday - but this is not about the gym - it's about avoidance. Running away.... 

 

Edited August 2 by Alex bAlex

[Alex bAlex]

So, I've got a new job - yay 😁 now I'm into the corporate world. Service desk analyst with great opportunity for career progression into cyber security within the company. That's cool. First I have to prove that I can take phonecalls and reset passwords - still in training ATM. 

But life's good. However I can see that I will never settle unless I get enlighten. I'll always move the pole 1 inch further at any point when I reached my goals. 

However I feel like at the moment I am smashing it and if this spring board is working well... I'll see you in Singapore 😏

[Alex bAlex]

Well, I've kicked my gear in the highest speed and after-work I went straight to shopping, done 1 hour of excruciating gym and cook some yummy veg soup and chicken stew with rice for work. Hit the bed at 10:30 pm and I was up by 3:50 am. Smashing with 20 minutes of meditation, 90 min of gym and energising breakfast. 

I feel like yeeeeaahhh!!!! 😁 I'm smashing it. 

 

Running back home from the gym last night I figured out why I felt so beaten up in the morning - KFC for dinner the previous night - how the fuck should I expect to perform at high peak when I am stuffing garbage. 

 

Anyway, this was more of a slip for 2-3 days. 

 

Managed to fast the other week for 60 hours and I would have been happy to continue, but I had to work on building site with my previous company and couldn't risk of exhausting myself. 

 

Current routine: 

4 a.m waking up alarm - loud alarm clock that makes you jump out of the bed and walk to shut it down

20 minutes guided meditation with Sam Harris Waking up App

30-90 minutes gym Monday to Friday. Working with kettlebells plus running about 3 miles to and from gym as I have no car anymore.

Shower or Cold plunge 5-10 minutes although it's not as often as I would like to.

Read 40 minutes - Current reading The Book of Economics - Skipped this week as adjusting to new job schedule

Breakfast - salad, porridge, eggs, soup+hummus on crackers. 

Get ready for work.  Feeling awesome. 

 

In order to wake up consistently at 4 am  I am going to bed at 8-9pm + eyeshades and earplugs. Although I have one month in soon I feel it will be over. First I will be in London because the Dady Digweed is back and I haven't been out since 3rd of March. This is my reward for the past 5-6 months of grinding it on courses and exams and putting off with the old job. So the club close at 4 am. Nevermind I've been here before. 

Where I haven't been before is corporate world. And looking lush. But now I have to double down to climb up the ladder - the never ending ladder..... 

🙏

Edited August 3 by Alex bAlex

[flowboy]

Dude you are killing it. Reading this makes me happy. Remember what you were living like before!?

[Alex bAlex]

Thank you 🧡

[Alex bAlex]

Aching this morning. The thought of slacking off and postpone the workout for evening was creeping up. And the I remember that I won't be better postponing things, so just hit the gym at 4:30. 

By the end of my exercise I finally figured out what that guy was trying to teach me I regards to how to lift the kettlebells - meanwhile my lower arm is bruised from getting wrong for 2 days 🫣 at least is not broken 😉

 

Yesterday I finally went live and took the call - success.ni still had the trainer behind for guidance but it was such a relief. Prior that I was boiling out of nervousness. I thought I had to know everything for my first call. But the first couple of days are just to get used with greetings and taking notes. Pfeew - reliefed. 

Ya'll have a good day 

[Alex bAlex]

The inner critic is start crippling in. 

 

I'm too old, I'm missing the crop of life, beautiful girls ready for my love everywhere and I am powerless, can't put my finances up together, I'll be stuck in the same dark point and shit will only continue to load up. 

Worthless, powerless, missing everything big time. 

 

Is that true Alex? Patience ma' man-> keep grinding; it will overflow

[Alex bAlex]

So the waking up at 4 am streak is over. I mean I woke up at 4 but I couldn't keep myself up. This week I pushed myself and the body is taking asking for rest. I work 7.5 hours plus 1 hour lunch break. That's being said, I am leaving home at 7:15 am and get back at 7 pm. Commuting eating 3 good hours / day. Getting home at 7, shower, eat and straight to bed to get enough sleep for the next day. It's a bit manic to be fair. But I will survive as long as I take time to meal prep and be organised, I will make it through. 

I'm happy, I needed this. I had a relaxed life for too long. I was asleep for too long and I'm still dreaming but I creep my eyes open now and then. 

 

In fact this morning I woke up again whitnesing my thought. It happened a few times in the past months. They were like care driving up and down the motorway. I'm trying to grasp them and to make sense of what's going on, then I realised that 'It's just a thought' and wake up 🌞

Tonight I looking forward for Frankey&Sandrino, Tim Green and of course Daddy Digweed(5 hours set - probably ending up with 7 hours if Digweed is in a good mood:)) ). So yeahhhh!!!!! 

 

Have a super smashing weekend 🚀🫧🫠

 

[Alex bAlex]

Been to see Digweed in studio 338 and it was a bit of meah. First I was late by 2 hours due to traffic. Then the energy and the mood just wasn't there. Not sure if I was tired from over working and waking up in the morning or I was too lost in my thoughts. 

 

Either way, I am worried big time. I had in mind to start more convos without any expectations of phone numbers or connecting. I was dead till about midnight. I sat next to nice girls and I was just saying nothing till the girls would stand up and walk away because of awkwardness. It's raining, she smokes, she drinks alcohol, she's an upper class/ money made and all and any excuse. 

This wasn't just with girls but with men as well. We might start talking about how the night is going, if he saw the DJ before and then I would eject myself. This is not good at all. 

At some point I started to talk with two guys from Chile who were lawyers. Kept asking a few questions about Chile and again eject as I felt creepy. Later on I went to ask to connect on social media and one said he has nothing like that. 

By the end I started to dance next to a girl. She's cool, keep watching me, I watched her, asking about her evening, if she likes Digweed - I came here for Tim Green - fine, I mumble that I missed him, what time he played?  She gave me a strange look. Okay dancing more, she's checking her maps on phone to get home and I am running out of questions. What do you think is the best club in London? He.... And I asked again the same question....

HERE, answered her with a grime face. I continued to dance at a distance, she left. 

Fuck man I'm so terrible at conversations and talking about shit that it will get me in trouble. If I don't sort myself out I would be on the services desk position for a looog looong time. 

 

 

Today I had to have a discussion with one of my house mates about cleaning the kitchen after party and although I was in the superior position from a psychological point of view, my voice was trembling as the adrenaline was rushing through my body. 

 

Damn week, so week. 

 

Get out, communicate more. Toastmasters?

[Alex bAlex]

Solique - Don't let me Go 

I am walking down the street and observe people and then... Then I observe me.... Judging, comparing, shaming. Whomever I was coming across I kept asking if they are "aware" or " that guy or girl seems to have a great time but they're just in pain" . 

I feel like I just can't be out there, mingling with people, doing shit. 

Meanwhile I will stay in my room, pretending I am learning while watching porn - same shit / probably worse 

I won't be far away from an abrupt end if I keep this attitude. 

Even at work I just follow (or try to remember the instructions) and that's it - not a lot of chit chat shit for me. I dread walking to the train station with my colleague. I want to walk alone, I want to enjoy the walk by myself - you're not giving me any helpful information. We're in a competition after all. 

 

I'm going crazy

 

Mom has planted that seed deep fucki good in my head. And by the way she confessed on my birthday that from the moment she had me, she couldn't not love anyone else or like any other children or say I love you and hug another person - dam 100% pure narcissism. And now it's on me. 

I can see that every thing I am working towards is to please her. 

I'm doomed

 

 

No Alex, you're not, you just have a breakdown due to a recent cold plus excessive tiredness do to poor sleep and wrestling with the housemates on cleaning, add that to gigantic amount of new material to be learning at work and the one that you just add up over the weekend and in the spare time. At some point you will pop. 

 

Nah you're just talking shit to justify your leziness as usual. You have food in the fridge but dreamt of pizza all day and ending up with Coca-Cola and biscuits and porn. What learning dude you're just a slouch couch potato who instead of watching Netflix, you watch LinkedIn learning and call yourself proud. Hog wash dude. You're missing a big part here - not taking notes and then not acting on the notes!!!

 

Oh madonna, when will I get the fuck off if this shit? 

 

Whenever you want Alex there's nothing stopping but YOU!

[Alex bAlex]

Why are you complaining? Look around you and see the same people and familiar faces stuck in the same old rut that they were 3-5-10 years ago. Aren't you making any progress? 

Maybe the there's a problem with your reference points. Trying to achieve success like Hormozi or Becker or Taylor in 3-5 years won't cut it for you. They had different circumstances, friends and families. You're still moving ahead, just on a different pace...

 

 

:)):)):)) really, that's your measuring stick - the people around you? You're surender by all kinds of fucked up minds. Wanna grown fast, move the fuck out of this environment. As for Becker, Taylor and Hormozi, they might had a different environment or they might have had nothing, but they're showing you it is possible. 

Stop self-victimisation now¡! 😎

[Alex bAlex]

C-Block - Keep Movin' 

Good Monday Morning MotherFreakingFucker - 4 am jumped out of bed, meditation, ran 5k, showered, dressed up and ready to hit the road.

 

Last Sunday I could not finish my last day of the kettlebells training journey. I took a break on Monday and Tuesday and got even sicker. I had to skip work on Tuesday and then I have done no exercise for the rest of the week... 17 weeks streak. It seems that this is the pattern. I heard Huberman last night on Lex's podcast saying that he rotates his workouts every 3-4 months. And makes sense, the body get used to the same routine and doesn't get the same full benefits that you got at the beginning of the training journey, 

So I was a slouch potato for the rest of the week. And you can feel from my posts that I got depressed very quickly. 

However, just running 5 k totally changes your attitude, mood, and way of thinking. I have half of the bottle of Coke laying around and when I got back from running I felt disgusted about it. - WATER - PLEASE DON'T poison me -I want WATER - was my body crying. 

 

Speaking about my body, something felt very out of place - physically, internal. I am not sure if this is because of procrastination and now forced the muscles or something on my digestive tract is trying to come out. Whatever it is I hope it will disappear quickly.

 

So in regards to my previous depressed posts, I'm fine, I'm working on my life. I just have the wrong expectations. Yes, I could pay more attention to budgeting and not ending up with single digits in my wallet before I get paid, but overall I am working on upgrading my skills. I have finished the "Introductory course in System Administrations" from LinkedIn which I knew already 70% of it, skimmed Practical Mobile Forensics Book, start The Linux Command Line book and looked into Introduction to Python scripting.  

Why I got depressed? Because I have foolish expectations of getting a Cybersecurity Job straight away with a CompTIA Certification - possible - mmm yeah, if you have at least 1-2 years of experience under your belt. If not you have to prove yourself - that means you have to create a project, or if you get the chance to get your foot into the door of a cyber job you have to know what you are doing. Right now I am struggling to install a printer on Linux remotely. I have installed one but that was sheer luck. - I guess lots of IT work is sheer luck - you don't know how you doing it or why it's working but it's working so just leave it there. 

 

 So see, it's a bit of a journey - 5 years, not 5 months. You're just at the bottom of the hill - keep climbing....

[Alex bAlex]

This is why we are in some way hooked on Leo. We need role models. I never followed Peterson beside listen to a couple of videos of him, but having Leo disappearing from the scene... people will search for someone else - and Tate is all over...