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Alex bAlex

Mind Clearing Section

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The guy at the retreat told me about this channel of channelling spirit which I don't know what to say. It's not right for me to call it delusional, maybe he's right and I am wrong but I will just leave this here, 


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It's been a long time since I've been out but next week is the beginning of 2023 going out. Starting with Patrice Baumel at Village Underground...followed by Fidelles at Brixton Academy, Digweed and Eelke Kleijn, + Jonas Saalbach at E1. 

Cannot wait :) 

See you there? ;)


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The last time I logged on to Instagram was the 10th of December. Yesterday I logged back again to see what I missed - NOTHING, literally nothing. First thing I was bombarded with news and then just shallow self-help advice that made me unfollow a couple of pages. 

All this time I was thinking if x or z is messaging me ---- I was laughing at my idiotic thoughts yesterday as there was no message but a happy new year from a Guy I meet at a couple of gigs - ha! 

F U Instagram! 

Edited by Alex bAlex

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Posted (edited)

Hello hello, time to get up to date and reanalyse WTF happened in the past 4-5 months or so. 

October started with a breakup from Bee and a new start on my own. I had no time to lose though - I had courses to complete and exams to take so I double down on that. 

It's the end of November and I'm getting sweaty about my tax return. Remember that I had a bit of a moment with my accountant? Well, she kept acting a bit bitchy and ignoring me (fair enough, I had ignored her but for reasons outside of what happened between us). But I kept insisting and she comes up with my tax return - and it's a pretty high number. 

Why it's a high number - well, during the pandemic I have received grants and worked at the same time. Ok, two options here - I return the grants or I pay tax on them. But that's not all - because I passed over a threshold now I have to pay 100% in advance for the next year (50% at the end of January and 50% in July). 

At this point, I am already in murky waters as I got an IVA in March 2022. (IVA - individual voluntary agreements in the UK - that soft type of bankruptcy chapter whatever in the USA). Why an IVA? Because 6 months prior I have invested all I had in crypto plus taking out a loan plus top up credit cards. And right then and there the bear market started - thanks! 

Ok, I am on IVA which in the being I felt happy to have a bit of breathing space but then I felt cheated somehow. I could get a better reduction if I would have done my homework and not just acted emotionally. So I had to pay £176 monthly for 5 years. Plus no more credit cards or loans which is good! 

Now I am getting the bill for my tax return - £11.234 (around there)  - My bank account is 0 or around there ( pulsing a little bit). It hit me a little bit as I was expecting something around 3k or 4k max which if I would work hard for two months I might have come with. Nevermind;

I have to face the dance - I will become bankrupt! Deadline -31st of January 2023. 

Not much time to reflect on it though - I have exams to take and a concert to attend - BICEP was amazing, and the girl I met there was a sweet candy but I am fucking bankrupt, no chance for me to travel and see her again or proceed further. 


Testing times- Comptia A+ - all exams are online those days and I attend the first one pretty careless - I didn't give much fuck, I was fucked up already. I had to score 650 points out of 900. I did 716. Wow - that's cool. 

So I booked the next one after a week or so and there I had to score 700 out of 900. At the being of the exam I had a big cup of coffee and turned the heat on in my room as at the previous exam I felt cold and a bit out of focus. NOW, when the exam started I had to pee - and you cannot leave your chair for the duration of the exam. This takes about an hour. Mid-exam I am in a fucking pain and feel that every moment I will pee myself plus the heater kicks in and I start to sweat. The exam ended - but I have another 5 minutes of the survey to complete -FUUUUCCKKKKK!!!! I just clicked whatever options only to get to the final result - PASSED 715 points. FUCKING HELL - I went through a whole lot of emotions at that time but managed not to pee myself at the end. 

Ok, this is done, start looking for jobs - requirements min Comptia A+, desirable ITIL foundation V4. - Got it, I order the material, paid for another course and exam and in 10 days I passed my third exam. Here I had to score 26 correct answers out of 40. I scored 26 - :)) :)) :)) Couldn't believe it. Just over two weeks and three exams passed. 

I hate Christmas and the holiday season gets me depressed, seeing all people acting kindly in a fake way, (or maybe it is just me being broke and not enjoying myself). Anyway, I am feeling better this time. At least I have achieved something. 

But I am still broke, and I have to pay for a tooth replacement and I am working haphazardly. My car broke down a couple of times in December (clutch changing and gearbox oil or something like that), the last time on Christmas EVE. But I got another replacement car from the garage so I can work. This car is more like a coffin (those long cars that don't have any separator between the boot and passenger side), and has Android auto, but that's it, no heated mirrors, no electric windows, and no cruise control. 

I get a race to Brighton and I see the sign - Traffic Signaling Camera- and I was "Ah whatever, this is for those who pass on red, it's green, speed limit 40mph - me 48". Then I look in the mirror and I see the beautiful bright light flashing twice in a very short time.  Damn it! How can I be so stupid? I drove so many times in London where you have a speed camera every 2 miles and I got none and here, where I see the sign .... ahh ... bankrupt, no money for the dentist, no money to apply for bankruptcy, I will get another 3 points on my licence (I have already 3), I won't be able to find a job in time till I will lose my licence.... PURE SHIT! 

However, the new year is here, I get ready, paying all my dues, sorting out my teeth and applying for jobs. 

Well now I have all the qualifications but I miss something  -EXPERIENCE! Aghhhhhhhhhhh for fuck sake ....

But I don't give up, I keep applying, having interviews, and phone calls, and suddenly I got the job. 

As you can imagine I am from high highs to low lows, and on top of this I have to prepare for the ceremony which I post it here.


On the 21st of January, I applied to become bankrupt - it cost me £680 and some stress. On the 24th of January, I became officially bankrupt. On the 25th I signed my contract for my new job - Educational IT technician - phew!!!! But it's not over yet! 

So I start this new job, but I still had to do Uber meanwhile to cover my costs till I get the first paycheck. Working double shifts is not fun, especially when you should use this time to gather as much information as you can about your new job role, what you have to do, which ass to kiss, etc. On top, I am working on my ceremony retreat so I am meditating, taking care of my diet, daily journaling, daily cold plunges for 5 minutes, yoga and exercise. 

I feel a bit overturned but I can manage it, only to have that ceremony working for me - that's all I need - a sign, a change, a fear shattering or a subliminal message in order to get my finance in order and stop self-sabotaging. And that was all a flop - a big fucking flop. All my hopes drained away and I threw away the baby with the bath water. FUCK spirituality work.

I got into by searching how to become a millionaire - after 6 years of, 3 years of daily one-hour meditation, 360 audiobooks, thousands of hours of content and around 100 books read -  I became bankrupt and broke - how the fuck is this possible? 

I stop meditating, journaling, and exercising, I just couldn't give a damn about everything, and I became bitter. But then I notice - how foundational meditation is to day-to-day life. It gives you a structure, a starting point, and something that you have achieved that day. So for the past week, I am back to 30 minutes daily. 

In October, after I broke up with Bee I went to see John Digweed in Fabric. There a guy is telling me about a good show that's coming up - Fideles and Gheista - I am cool and get myself a ticket. The show is cancelled one week before and postponed for the 3rd of March 2023. Nice! 

In January I see my friends for a chat and a bit of food and one of them has his birthday in February, so we will take him to see Patrice Baumel at Village Underground. 

Ok, I came out from the retreat on the 12th of February, disappointed, still double working at this time, one month behind with my rent and I don't really want but I have to make an effort to get those guys up to London on 24th of February, although I wanted to work and make money instead. 

I let myself loose and we get there, I have some MDMA, acid, and speed(which I haven't done in more than 5 years)  - I don't care, I'm in pain - but to be fair, given the amounts of the substance that went into my body, I was clear and bright alert all the time. WTF again? Nevermind. We had a good time but coming down from speed is hellish. I'm stressed. It's the weekend and I can't do much work, I feel like shit. 

The end of the month is here, also my landlord is here - he calls me straight away as he gets a letter from the Insolvency practitioners asking me for money - ok sir - I need one day more till I get my money from my new job. Money in, then money out straight away. 


Do you think is over? NAH, It's just the 1st of March! I get the outcome of my bankruptcy order. I have to pay £154 for the next 3 years. Should my salary increase, I will have to pay more (expenses dependent). So the government will never give up. They will never let you loose. You have to learn the rule and play the game otherwise they will squeeze you by the balls all your life and all you can do is scream but no one will help you!!!

Ok, I have some spare money left and I place an order with my agent for some acid. It's Friday the 3rd and the postman didn't find anyone at home to leave the parcel so I have to run to the post office depot and I have only 30 minutes left. I got it just before the close. Phew, I'm saved! 

Now I am ready to go to see Fideles and Aether (Gehista got cancelled) . I drove up and park my car not far away from Brixton. 

I'm the first guy in, and thinking ooo first in, last out? And I pop a tab of acid, around 10:10. (Mistake 1 too late - should have taken in at least 45 min earlier when I parked the car. Mistake 2 - I haven't tested the substance, Mistake 3 - I haven't tested the potency of 1 tab). It's pretty empty for the first hour, then people start gathering, I am not very social, but I see the guy that told me about this event back in October at John Digweed. He has a friend with him, we chat a bit, dance and I start coming up. 

I had a red bull in the being and just water afterwards. 

It's midnight and I am still coming up, everything is amazing and I pop another tab just to not be disappointed later on when Fideles will play and I will come down too early, but I don't want to take acid too late as I have to come down by 6 so I can get back home. 

Ok, pop another tab and AE: THER is good, very good motherfucker, plus the lights and all the atmosphere ... I am dancing like I am running a sprint and people are amazed at my levels of energy, high 5 me and give me hugs. But most of them are asking me about acid - and I keep telling them that is something you have to cultivate from inside out, you don't need acid :)) What a douce :))

I am looking around me and I see people drinking alcohol and I feel discussed and want to tell them that they are poisoning themselves. I start to come up strong around 1:30 am. I start to understand life and how I am repeating this circle of birthing myself and then destroying myself and I understand that is something that I have done all the time and that I have to go through this process. I am looking at the DJ and he is looking at me, he understands me and I get him, I move next to the separation fence and pray for him. I feel like dying and rebirthing myself on and on. Till someone spills some water or drinks on me - now I understand that I have to move out of there and I go next to the bar. 

Here  I see a club-hired person with a high-vis jacket saying MEDIC. I tap her and say that I have to sit down. 

She then takes me out into a room and sat me down and asked me what have I taken. I am going to say AC... and I stopped. Fuck! what should I say? If I say I took acid she will have to report it and I am fucked. All my new job is down the drain, I might get arrested, the police will get to my source, the landlord will kick me out ... I  AM FUCKED! 

Sir, sir, what have you taken? Have a sit here....

At this point I kept my mouth shut and said nothing at all. I closed my eyes but got my phone out of my pocket and start recording her. This lady is trying to help, measuring my pulse and oxygen and trying to give me some water to drink ---AHAAA they want to put drugs in me so they can have probes and proof against me, no way I drink anything, my lady ---. I was adamant to talk or drink water. - Don't say or drink anything for 24 hours !!!!-was my mind narrative.

Security is getting in, taking my phone, searching my pocket for id, and I am sitting in lotus position meditating, doing some breathing exercises and saying nothing, until  ..... until I start tripping again and I start singing OMMMMM OMMM OMMM to the top of my lungs! 

"omg, do you have a stop button?" said the medic :)) "here something to drink" - but I shut my mouth and still sang omm omm omm.....

At this point the security is there, they got my jacket from the wardrobe, and have my phone. And because I didn't cooperate they start to call people on my phone via WhatsApp and last dialled numbers, including my landlord, the guy from the garage whom I rented the car from, my father in Romania, an old acquaintance that I haven't seen in a year and ... drum roll ...stay tuned ..... Why and how they choose those numbers - I have no clue. 

At this point I am standing up and then lying on the floor and saying surrender, I have some intense moments, feeling like the earth is shaking when I sang Ohm and an array of colours are displayed behind closed eyelids. I feel like Buddha, but I hear traffic, and it's cold. I keep singing and I feel like a ton of reporters will gather around me, that I will stay in that place forever, saying that all is love and peace and bullshit like that,  that I will become a statue and people will come and pray at my feet :))) pure fuckery fantasy :)) 

"Sir, sir, can you help me with £20 to get a room for tonight? Sir ... sir .... can you help me, please? Sir, sir, can you help me with £20?"  At this point, I am opening my eyes. Sitting in a lotus position I am just outside of Brixton, at the bus stop. I'm looking at this beggar and I cannot believe me. What the fuck just happened? 

I am checking my pockets and I have all my belongings, phone, keys, and card wallet. I have only £15 in cash, I gave it to this beggar and I see an old card from my ex. I stand up, and have a word with a crew member at Brixton telling her I can't remember anything from 1 am - it's 3 AM Now. I am surprised again .... damn I thought it was 6. 

I start walking down the road ... where  ???? Just walked, grabbing my phone, trying to figure out what the heck am I doing. 

Dad is calling - he went to wake up a neighbour who understands English as they got scared that I might be in the hospital. All is well and fine I told him and promised that I will call the next day. 

And I keep walking and then I remember -FUUUUCKKKK - I didn't save the parking location - mission-> find the car in fucking London at 3 am with 20% battery. I found out that I was walking in the opposite direction but after 20 minutes I managed to find it. I opened the door and sat in the passage seat for another 10 minutes trying to understand what the Fuck is going on, who have been called and how much time off work do I need to recover from this shock! 

Ok, let's not lose time and drive home - and the phone rang - IT'S BEE - yes my ex-First I was thinking why the hack is you calling me at this time, then I understood that she has been alerted by the crew and pick up. 

Instead of driving home, I end up at her house as she invited me in. It was such a good emotional moment for both of us, as we both told to each other what we had done wrong and about our retreat experiences ( apparently she had a good trip which I am so happy for her). It was a good therapeutic release. 

I got home at noon and didn't work that night but I texted her and decided to apply once again Radical Honesty, and acknowledge that I have entered the relationship from a place of neediness. We agreed to be open and more understanding with one another.  Sunday I have done 6 hours of uber and took the car to the garage for good - I'm DONE with TAXI - you killed me! This weekend is my first weekend when I feel some sort of freedom. I have done my work for the week and now I can finally RELAX!  I never worked 9-5 Monday to Friday - seems cool - that's why people get trapped - comfort ;)

Called my parents on Monday and told them I am ok, and they were glad that I am ok and had a new job. 


Wednesday 8th of March I called my mom. It was international women's day and mother's day in Romania. Also, it's been two years since I went no contact with my family and I haven't seen them on a video.

Bee sent me Ho'ooponopono meditation, and I was listening to Radical Honesty twice since Sunday. And I decided, this was the day to let it go. 

I called my mom and told her everything that happened to me in the past two years, from losing my savings to becoming bankrupt, using psychedelics, that I used cocaine, weed and alcohol but now I am cleared and (what shocked her the most ) that I had a vasectomy (ego doesn't like that :)) ). Will my radical honesty improve my relationship with my parents? I don't know. But at least I know that she is aware of who I am and not speculating about me, then me speculating about her speculation...

Nonetheless, dad is texting me now and I am texting back and I feel there is an easy flow between us. They thanked me today for having beautiful conversations. 


As for Bee, time will tell...


What to get from all this unravelling in such a short span of time? Never say never and never again. Be kind and polite and leave everyone in a better place than you find them, you never know when you will get back to them. 

Don't overdose in public, especially if you are alone. The trip alone at home with the eyeshades on. 

If you don't learn how to manage your finances you will never be able to enjoy life - period! 

In spite of all this emotional upheaval, you managed to stay sane and not feel suicidal at all - why? COLD IMERIONS - yes, I feel that in spite of all this stress cold plunges helped me to stay present and on track. 

Forgot to mention that I have been offered a speed awareness ( which I have to attend tomorrow) course instead of getting 3 points on my driving licence. Someone up there is really kind and loving - thank you! 


Now I have work to do! 

WAKE UP at 4 

Meditate 30 minutes

Yoga 30 minutes 

Read 40 minutes 

Courses 1hr (Linux, Pentest, Cisco, CySA+)

Cold immersion 5min +10 hot shower

I have to get my CySA+ certification (and maybe Pentest) within 1 year, move out of this house, get back to toastmasters and change jobs. 

All will get a bit difficult now that I have that bankruptcy on my credit file, but the only barriers are those self-imposed! 


With love and kindness! 





Edited by Alex bAlex

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I'm crazy about this song, not the meaning of the lyrics but the lyricism and the sound waves. Love it


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BEE -rant!

Why did you show up in my life again? Why have I left you in the first place? 

At least I am happy that the retreat worked for you and that you got some insights, but don't kid yourself and become a zen devil. We all have different experiences and express ourselves differently but habits will tell us everything we need to know about a person. Can a person change her habits - absolutely - but it takes time. Although as you beautifully pointed out it's about awareness, being present with what is now. But you don't get it - I've got some fundamental issue to sort out - I'm in surviving mode and when you are in surviving mode all your philosophy flies out the window. 

Then I have the feeling that you understand me, and then I feel like we have nothing in common. What do you see in me after all? I have nothing to offer, I can't help you with anything, I can't be the MAN to protect and care for you, so why me? 

Yes, at this moment in time, I cannot say yes to anything. 

I have to become valuable, I have to get some career traction. I know, I am fooling myself by thinking that one day I will drink the juice of life but that day is now and here, I am just out of tune at the moment to experience it. 

So why am I falling back on you? Authenticity? Depth of emotions? Desire to see you grow, succeed and break out through your limiting beliefs. If nothing else the last statement is something that I am yearning for. I see your potential, I see you have the power and knowledge - it's just that spark of breaking through that we all need to become AWARE. 

Can you live with someone that has different world views than yours? I would say yes, as long as you are honest and tell the truth at any cost. But that doesn't get you very far, isn't it? You have to filter some content of your mind otherwise you get destroyed. The most successful people are the ones who know how to lie the most - not directly but by omission ( they don't lie, they just do not tell the truth).


So then is possible to taste success while being true? Yes - much more difficult though - but way tastier and enjoyable don't forget about that ;)

Ok, I want to see you grow, succeed and spark - how can I help you? I can't force it to you - I sent you hits already but I feel I am pressuring you. How many books can I buy you before you tell me to fuck off? 

All we are doing here, in the end, is a game of manipulation don't forget that. We all want to manipulate the other side to get what we want, and as much as I want to see you grow, you want me to follow your life philosophy which is some murky self-help/ spirituality ( I am harsh here - I don't mean that ). Why murky? Because is the armchair one, the one where you just sit in circles and sing kumbaya and life is beautiful, but you have no goals, kidding yourself you live in the moment but unaware of your habits, and without a clear road map for at least 6 to 12 months, not speaking of 5 years. 

I could teach you some from what I have learned so far from Leo and others, but you don't like to hear that because is too harsh for the ego, because it uses shame and guilt or because you're just looking for comfort, expecting me to join you. 

Comfort and growth cannot co-exist. 

Yes, I want to see you grow, to bring you up to the light, but at the moment I am in darkness, craving my way out of it. Getting back together would be a distraction. I have to reach Singapore within 12 to 24 months, I have to become a contractor, I have to get good at service offerings and specialise in cybersecurity, I have to .... it's not a want - it's a must ... in order to become resourceful and able to help. 


Am I delusional? Of course, as long as I cannot be manipulated to adapt to others' lifestyles I am just a lunatic. You are not the first person to tell me that. But I am happy and hopeful, I have a long and wide road ahead of me, I just have to keep moving ahead.  As for you - do what you like, learn from me, or from others, or maybe you already know everything that you need and you are happy where you are. 


Good luck! 


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Everything boils down to awareness.

Without awareness, you can puke as many words and beautiful quotes as you like, but it will be in vain! 

It will be just mental masturbation! 

You have to be aware and BECOME whatever you preach ;)


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I'm a zen devil. It's inevitable - because when you get an insight you want to share it with someone and make the other see what you see. But it boil down to awareness again. Are you aware that you don't know anything but only got a drop of water on your tongue and now claiming you are a fountain? 


Don't take anything what I say here at face value - the next moment my believes will change and I'll become ashamed of being such a fool. 


Also I burnt my neck - I let your imagination bloom 😜

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Posted (edited)

Yes, I see it! I didn't like to be told what I'm missing and backlashed at you .... sneaky devilish ego again....  duh,... It didn't take too long :)) 

I'm projecting - A LOT! 

Edited by Alex bAlex

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Posted (edited)

Why am I getting into this spiral again? Why do I say things that later on I might regret or feel that I make others suffer? 

What is the trick here? 

What is OTHER? 

If all I know is that I AM why should I give a toss about others' feelings? Do they have feelings? If not, why do I feel guilty and remorse? 

Someone is playing tricks here... ->

->I have to buy myself a mirror ...<- (literally :P)


It seems that I cannot find that line between telling the truth and regurgitating my thoughts. But isn't that telling the truth? 

I'm so fucking confused here. 

Why are you confused Alex? It might be because Truth is beyond your little petty game of telling people how you feel. Yes, that's important too, but you can see that even when you drop all your curtains, you're still unfulfilled, unwhole, desiring something out there. You are just touching - not even scratching-  the surface of discovering what TRUTH is. 

But don't get discouraged, keep going, you're doing well, just don't expect miracles if you are not doing serious work here. 




Edited by Alex bAlex

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Well this week was promising, waking up fresh but I changed the routine mostly of necessity. The landlord is still working around the house disrupting our peace but I am sticking with meditation, however dropped exercising - because of Fasting. 

I set my goal to water fast for 7 days, unfortunately I stopped 3 hours before reaching the fourth day. Something wasn't right. I was fighting too hard and energy levels were too low for 4 days. 

I was also planning to trip solo with the eye mask on, but since Friday my throat is killing me especially when I was sleeping, so that has to be postponed as well. 

However I am progressing well with my Linux course and practice, finished The Celestine Prophecy (book & movie - thanks Bee) and quick text with my parents. Overall I am making a slowly comeback, getting settled in my job, which if I take the advantage I can use it as a ramp to accelerate my growth 2-3 times faster. 

Peace ☮️

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I have mentioned a couple of posts ago that what kept me out of depression and not having suicidal thoughts in the past 6 months or so (giving all the ups and downs) is due to cold immersions. 

Although I feel that helped a lot, having a goal and having a vision and knowing where I want to go it's the main catalyst of keeping my spirits high. 

Should this happened one or two years previously, it would have been a different story. 


Hope is dope 😉

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Posted (edited)

Hmmm.... you.... you... you keep twisting my mind and heart. I don't know what to make of you. Repeating numbers are showing up again. part of me wants to run, the other wants to find you and grow up with you. 

So this is my test? All that's going on is a test - duh! Testing for what? 

Desire - can you see how you always want the other thing, the next shiny object, but you never put the effort to consolidate yourself? You're just jumping from place to place, from person to person, establishing some meek and weak connections without depth. 


-NO this is the neediness in me talking and dreaming of support. There's no one there, it's just me, I have to grow and stabilise myself. Right now I will easily fall into the co-dependency fallacy. Remember the steps: Co-dependent, Independent, INTER- Dependant. I'm already independent (besides needing a paycheck) to some degree and working to get to the interdependent state. I have to become valuable not suck values from others! 

You're doing well Alex - keep your eyes on the target, and don't fall off the track (AGAIN!) - it's her job to tease, and it's your job to grow up!


Edited by Alex bAlex

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I was looking for a blasting April with 3 nights in London clubbing - Digweed, oh daddy Digweed, Saalbach and Innellea. 

However something shifted within me this month. I cannot touch it but I feel I have grown a lot - I mean I feel much better about my life although I had £0.43 in my account yesterday before I got my wages. 

So why I feel so good? Goals, I got some beautiful goals that are achievable and I have a deadline. 

That's being said, although I will loose the ticket value for those nights, I can't wait to learn and practice and become valuable. (As Leo said in the What is happiness episode- not looking for a shot of dopamine but to create that river of serotonin) I can't say that at the moment I am 100% aligned with my life purpose but I feel I am on track to it. 

Linux sparked me up, Cisco is a mess but Pentesting - woo woo woo, can't wait to build my machine and deploy it. Damn I feel so excited. 

I would never believed that I can trade dance and music for something so geeky but hell, if I master even a little bit of Pentesting and then move to CySa+ , ->  freedom, oh sweet freedom, I can feel its scent.... then I can go with Digweed on tour around the world ;)

I feel unstoppable🚀

Thank you


Deep Base Louder Space 




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If there's no morality what's driving my moral compass? Why do I take pleasure from making people happy rather than sad? 

Is is fear of some further repercussions (karma, further reincarnation blah blah) or self image or... Hmmm.... 

I have to ponder on this... 

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