Mind Clearing Section

[Alex bAlex]

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-china-63792923 

[Alex bAlex]

 

[Alex bAlex]

Whoop whoop congrats to ... me :)) I passed CompTIA A+ (1101 &1102) and I am so so so fucking relieved. Finally, I feel like life is casting a die in my favour. I have space to dream and to grow ad infinitum now. 

Still, there are some dark areas of my life that come up and have to be sorted out, but knowing that I can change careers and upgrade my position to whatever field I want in IT and cybersecurity is such a big breath of air. And the most value I got so far is not from the courses that I have learned to, but from the site that I have been exposed to and to the opportunities and extra courses that gave me a better perspective of where to drive my life towards. The biggest obstacle in the early stages is that you don't have a clue who to trust and learn from. Where to get the info from? Is this an accredited institution? Will my certificate be recognised? 

But once you get to the preparation/testing phase, you get inside insights and your imagination starts to blossom.

I joined the cybersecurity path but I see some very appealing courses on business analysis. 

It is a period filled with such a mixed bag of emotions. 

I am happy about the exam, my car just broke second time this week, and this sweet girl that I met at a Bicep concert the other week is interested in me but leaves Brighton (1-2 hrs drive ), I'm financially broke, I have a stomach full of hunger and a pocket filled with dreams, and life is beautiful ladies and gentlemen. 

Be well, and be loved. Peace to you! 

 

[Alex bAlex]

 

[Alex bAlex]

Hip hip Horray (x3 - Nah, x10) :)) Well, last night I just pass another exam and got myself certified in ITIL V4 Foundation. I am still bamboozled and I can't believe, two certifications in just over a week. I must admit that this one was well on the edge and I should have allowed myself at least a couple of days more to study, but I PASSED and that's all that matters (at the moment of course) 

So, now I got a polished CV full of accreditations, a ton of mixed emotions, big dreams and lots of impostor syndrome thoughts start creeping in already... life's fun. Especially when you have sorted out your accounts with your accountant...

Interesting video 

 

 

 

 

[Alex bAlex]

Andrew Tate fans are still on this forum? Graduate from hustle university? Ha ha ha, how could you not see this guy was full of shit 

 

[Alex bAlex]

 

[Alex bAlex]

2022 Was a hell of a ride and I accomplished things that I hadn't dreamed of, and also learned some lessons. But overall it's been okay. I am still fighting to get out of the mediocre life, I am still trapped in a poverty and poverty mindset, I still have 0 savings in my account and live week by week, but I won't give up. 

Someone or something will shift my shit fucked up message about money in my head and things will become clearer to me. 

I am not clear about the line between acceptance and boundaries. I want to call my parents and accept them as they are(after I have done THE WORK again - Byron Katie), but then, will they respect my boundaries?  The fact is that I am in constant survival mode and this will not translate well in any relationship I have, be it with my parents or girlfriend. 

Now I am waiting for the new year to come and for the recruitment office to start working again, so I can switch careers.  January will be met with lots of pressure, especially as I got a speed camera flash, and that means that in about two weeks I should receive a speed thicket. It shouldn't put me out of business but I will be on the very edge. Plus $100 fine. This and ....well, I can't talk about yet till is done, but it's something... 

 

 

[Alex bAlex]

 

[Alex bAlex]

Be alert, be present, train yourself to wakefulness. Vigilance is the key! 

[Alex bAlex]

Just finished the third book of Jed Mckenna and ordered the fourth plus the books on Kriya. I have to restart my meditation practice, which means 3 years of daily practice are going down the river - not really but to some extent. That's part of me that I have to kill, that dogmatic, no thinking, no nothing, just sit and everything will be alright. 

At this point, I don't know if I have to do something when I meditate or just observe or meditate at all as Jed Mckenna suggests. 

I'm so fucking confused and one moment I feel detached from all that there is, I feel like I don't give a fuck about ANYTHING, and the next moment I am panicking about my future, how am I gonna make it, I am pennyless, all that shit. 

FOR FUCK SAKE - STOP! 

 

[Alex bAlex]

Feeling like... Giving up? 

 

[Alex bAlex]

🤯

 

[Alex bAlex]

Fasting for 40 hours wasn't so difficult but I had to break it earlier than expected (aimed at 81 hrs). 

Why - friends!

- Alex, that's a lame excuse! Don't you have a backbone to stand up to yourself? Couldn't you say no to your friends?

- Well this is the thing: I have been invited over to dinner and I had refused and cancelled this guys so much in the past 4 months that I felt embarrassed. I was awkward enough for me to drink orange juice a d water when they were having cans of beer. I was feeling so out of place that I was wondering why the f I am seeing this guys. But for some reason or another I have to. We'll going to club in February together and that will be much better than looking at to kids of 38 and 44 yapping and talking shit. They can't remember I have been to club with them in the summer :)) 

Anyway this was supposed to be about fasting not ranting about my perceived view of people. 

Breaking fasting was done in a stupid manner which I wouldn't even talk about it. 

But I am happy to have done it. Now I know what entails and how to prepare better for it. I have to research more about a good ratio of intermittent fasting 4-3 5-2 or 3-4. We'll see. If I can make a 10 fasting it will be a great achievement to tick off my bucket list.

Cold baths - 3 sessions of 10 minutes so far. Probably is wise to reduce the time spent in to 5-6 minutes as it takes me a long time to get back my core temperature, shaking for 30-40 minutes after I get out of the water. 

A bit of battle but I own this piece of shit and when I say jump in, it jumps in (credit to Tony Robbins)

Yoga done well for 40 days, got a bit of break now since the fasting wasn't very helpful for balancing and long time holding poses. 

Meditation - it's dead! Vive tze meditation 😋!

1 hour per day for three years - till today. Today I said no and start, again,  from zero with kryia yoga. 

Not a easy thing to give up- an entire identity was built around it but it has to go. 

New year, new beginnings. 

 

[Alex bAlex]

Running, cold immersion, meditation, healthy meals, reading.... Nothing.... Nothing can motivate me anymore. I'm just in a state of limbo. I'm sick of porn, coca cola, chocolate, McDonald's, KFC, Domino's, I don't crave and want anything. Not sure what's going on but it's a lot of rubbish within the world. I come across people that I just want to say fuck off and shut the fuck up - you're over 30 years old and behave like a 10 one. 

I talked to my parents and wow- the gap between us is getting even bigger. Not that I didn't expect that but I am sick sick sick of the game that they are playing, pretending that everything is ok when is not. And I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how will I make it to the next month. 

[Alex bAlex]

👀 

 

[Alex bAlex]

63 hours of fasting. I was aiming at 96 but I struggled. 

I couldn't focus on courses and learning anymore, all I was seeing was food. 

I feel I depleted my body of energy as I ran two days in a row for 4.5 miles with 30mph wind in my face. Plus cold immersion which is a big factor of burning fat and breaking down glucose. 

Nevermind motherfucker, I'll be back 😎

[Alex bAlex]

 

[Alex bAlex]

"Don't judge me, (I like the way I am) "

I got this insight about people saying that they don't like being judged. Those are the people who are not developing or having a desire to grow. 

Someone with high self esteem and desire to push its boundaries, would embrace judgement - give me all the feedback, tell me what you think about me and I'll work on if I believe it grows me. (Criticism from above Vs criticism from below)

 

I might be wrong, but who am I to judge 😉

Edited February 13 by Alex bAlex

[Alex bAlex]

Ceremony time! 

So back in September, after the festival, me and bee signed up for a plant medicine ceremony/ retreat. I was very excited. It was supposed to take place at the end of October but I had been split from Bee so I let her take the first shot, and I would go later at the end of November. Then the shaman got sick and the retreat was postponed another month. But finally, I got it. I went to the retreat this weekend. 

Preparation: starting 1 month prior:

-dieta friendly food, no processed food, plant-based, as clean as possible (soup and porridge with honey and berries for the last week)

-no coffee, alcohol, drugs, supplements, stimulants etc. 

-no sexual contact, arousal, etc

-at this point, I am doing kriya yoga, exercising 3/4 x/week / 5 miles and taking cold plunges for 3-6 minutes for the past 41 days

-journaling and setting intentions since the new year;

-water fasting for 96 hours prior to plant medicine ingestion. 

-intentions, smile and feel great! 

 

Ok, so I drive 4:45hrs(Friday afternoon traffic) up to the countryside to a place that, mmm wasn't really into the woods as I expected. There were neighbours on each side of the cottage. Nevermind. 

I am there earlier and as I already noticed with the hippies, they are all in the air, nothing is ready, one is still doing the food shopping and the other is welcoming me in a freezing house, showing me my sleeping room. 

*I have to pass through the host bedroom to get to mine, and it's freezing but nevermind, they just got here and the heating seems to be on, probably will heat up the place till I will go to sleep *

And then I wait in the lounge till everyone arrived -3 women and another guy. I get a sense that my feet smell like crap, but how can it be, I showed when I left and I drove barefoot so it cannot be me - the whole fucking lounge smelled like shit, animal stink (cat probably), that made me fell that I want to get out of there quickly. 

 

So it's Friday night, and tonight we have a breathwork ceremony in a nice adjacent, recently build shed/cottage. It's cosy but heated up with electrical heaters (the one that as soon as you turn them off it gets cold)  because they don't have enough wood, as they want to preserve wood for the medicine ceremony - wtf? *The girls and the guy are supposed to sleep in here, as I was the only one to pay for a separate room. In the end, the guy chooses to sleep in the lounge in the main house leaving the girls alone.* Nevermind, at least is warm here.

 

So we do an official opening of the circle, introduce ourselves, and then we are doing the breath work - in and out through the nose - 

At this point, I am on 72 hours of fasting and I feel great, with no cravings or food desires, and buzzing with energy. During the breathwork, I feel lots of energy fields passing through me and releasing a lot of them although I felt that it finished too soon and there was still unreleased energy in my arms, wrists and hands.  Awesome, so far so good. They have some food, I sat with them and just meditate while they had food then I went to sleep. 

 

I get into my room and the room is fucking freezing. I asked the other participant if there was a way to start the heater but he had no clue. * I forgot to mention that this is not the organisers' house - it's a house of a friend who does some yoga retreats and she travels a lot, and while travelling the organisers are looking after the house*. The organiser is not in the house and knowing that is not their house I don't get in trouble of turning up the heat - maybe they will turn it up when they come back into the house. So I go and set myself asleep in the house in a sleeping back covered up by a duvet. Sleeping in a sleeping bag !!! Indoors!!!! Wtf? Why not sleep in a tent then? What's the difference? Anyway, I slept somehow well, and fuck it, I am here for the medicine not for hotel conditions. I can pass this one. 

 

The next morning I woke up and did some kriya and meditate for about 40 minutes. Then I got stuck inside the room as I had to pass through the master bedroom to get out for a wee or shower and the organisers kept snoozing their alarms for another 30-40 minutes. Then they had breakfast and we went for an hour or so of walking and talking with the guy who participate in the ceremony about some alien channelling stuff (great, lots of delusional talks and I could see that the guy is just avoiding facing himself- he was most of the time agitated and nit-picking stuff).

We are back and supposed to have a heated sauna ready for us - supposed - it takes 3-4 hours of burning wood for that cabin to heat up and as it goes with the hippies, they are never ready. This starts to clash with the last meal before the ceremony as they want to eat nothing 3 hrs prior to ingestion of sacred medicine. Being my third time when I fast and the longest one, I was very very surprised that I don't feel hungry and that I have a clear mind and energy - (there was a scale in the bathroom and Friday I had 55kg, Saturday 56kg -ha ). Anyway, they eat, I meditate, had 2+ hours of sauna and lots of buckets of cold water and cold showers, and then we get ready for the medicine. 

 

It is supposed to start at 5, however, after long waiting in the cold lounge, the space is cleared and ready. The shaman is doing his thing, measuring the medicine in cups and blowing smoke over them, chanting something, smoking some more, chanting some more then we have been told that this is a different strain than the one is supposed to be - whatever as long as it takes me to infinity, doesn't matter. 

And then we have been given a bit of talk and told " those are 5 grams of medicine and this is not what you might take with your friends 2 grams watching tv - it is very powerful in 20-25 minutes buff you're out of space, we recommend eating them all but if you feel like you don't want to, you don't have to, blah blah blah. THEN at some point, you will be taken here on this seat in front of me and I WILL say a prayer for you " Bear in mind that I am the only one here who had 5 grams before, and only one woman had a bit of medicine a long time ago, so pretty much all those are newbies. 

More chanting, praying and giving thanks then we start eating them. 

The other guy (channelling guy) already start to ask silly questions and is clear that is so caught up in his mind, then he is agitated even before eating them, then had a weird request to turn the sound speakers to one side to not get disturbed by the LED lights that show on the front panel. I was already thinking that this will be a fuck hell of a ride if the guy keeps up like this. 

 

Ok, got all the plants in one go, they taste very sweet (possibly sprayed with sugar to be more edible)  and crunchy but it didn't look to me that there are 5 grams. Anyway, I pull my eye mask and then I lay back on my yoga mat, covered with a blanket and a bolster at my head. And then we wait. 

 

As I had fasted I was expected to take off in 10 minutes, but I am calm, shaman is chanting and singing beautiful songs with his partner, blowing smoke over us, more drumming and a moment of silence. And I am waiting, and waiting and waiting ...

 

Some people get a bit of headache or noise sensible, but all I get is a yawn... THAT'S IT - I am yawning, that's the first sign that the plants are now in the system, the next sign is that you want to go to have a wee, but I am not - my body doesn't eliminate so much water since fasting. That's okay. Some people ask to be taken out for a wee or air, but I am ready to take the express to infinity. 

I am sitting back and waiting and waiting (my backbones are hurting and I have to roll over from time to time)  and it struck me - it doesn't work the medicine doesn't have any effect. When you have 5 grams of plants you cry for mommy rolling all over the floor but all I got was a very little tunnel vision (maybe 1 or 2 minutes ) and some short-lasting kaleidoscopic effects when I press my palms against my eyes. And obviously, no one is tripping over there as everyone is calm and silent. At this point the organiser has a word with each other, sensing that something is wrong. It must be 60-90 minutes at this point and there are no effects besides a bit of more yawning. Everyone is calm as there's more chanting. We have been told to be mindful of very loud releasing sounds and to scream into the pillow if that is the case, as there is a neighbour that keeps looking over the fence and he is curious about wtf is going on there; however, seeing that the medicine doesn't work, the shaman starts beating his drum and screaming songs from the top of his lungs past 10 pm that I created anxiety among us, thinking about that neighbour. WTF again! 

And at some point more chanting, some personal prayer said at my head by his partner (wonderful work if you are tripping balls), and then the ceremony is brought to an end past midnight.  NO ONE WAS BROUGHT UP ON THAT CHAIR FOR THE SHAMAN TO SAY HIS PRAYER!

I got up and I could not believe it - SUCH A FLOP - SUCH A FUCKING FLOP- -- I was so disappointed and angry and frustrated that I couldn't even cry or release any emotion. Everyone got up slowly and there was a feeling of disappointment in the air. Nobody wants to talk.  The agitated guy asked the organisers how was the ceremony for them and they jumped up and said: "there was a dark energy coming from the neighbour but we worked hard and fought it back."  And kept saying this story for 10 minutes till some women said " but we need not hear this, why are you telling us all this, we don't need to hear it. "Another woman asked why the medicine was changed at the last minute and apparently it wasn't changed at the last minute but they mentioned nothing all weekend about this. 

I was desolated, I didn't know what I could have done wrong. Why the medicine didn't work? This happened to me in the past when I took 6 and 7 grams and after 20 minutes I was wide awake, with no effects, but I was blaming myself for not respecting the protocol, maybe I took some vitamins or pills that cut down the effects, maybe I wasn't in a good place as set and setting, maybe it was the nutrition .... BUT NOW ... now when I gave it all I could have fucking giving it, now .... it was so much pain, that I got disgusted about all the metaphysical and mystical aspect of life!  Or maybe I am not ready! Maybe it's not my time to wake up, maybe I have to sort out my root chakra before opening up my throat chakra. However, it's obvious that it didn't work for the other participants. 

I just rolled my yoga mat, pick up my journal and water bottle, left the space saying nothing and went straight into the house, packed my bag and drove straight home. I wasn't going to spend another night sleeping in a bed with a sleeping bag! They were reluctant to let me drive as I was under the influence - influence of what? farts? - "But you have agreed to stay here for the ceremony " - " yes, and the ceremony is over, it came to an end ". I want to go! 

The agitated guy try to convince me to stay as the circle is not completed without me  :)) 

 

I drove home all safe in 3:30 hours of clear traffic and never lost focus or had a moment of drifting out of the mind. As I got home I hit the bed and had the deepest rest that I had in a long time. 

 

So there it is folks £488 retreat + £22/room/ night. 

 

How many plants could have I grow for myself with this amount of $$$ and take an Airbnb in the woods and heal myself?