Mind Clearing Section

[Alex bAlex]

 

[Alex bAlex]

Looking up for a drum kit now :)) Not so expensive though. 

Maybe stick with a base guitar otherwise my neighbours will go sue me very quick  (excuse excuse excuse) 

 

[Alex bAlex]

AI in the UK parliament hearing :-O 

 

 

Edited October 12, 2022 by Alex bAlex

[Alex bAlex]

There's a force working through me, guiding me! 

I'm not crazy or selfish or a dick. I'm just aware, listening. 

Thank you ❤️

[Alex bAlex]

Too Left 👈?

 

Edited October 21, 2022 by Alex bAlex

[Alex bAlex]

Why am I doing all this?  What's the point? And how deep could I get in peeling off the layers? 

I already established that I am a worm. A selfish worm that is unable to move forward due to selfishness. A worm stuck in the endless chain of desire. Comfortable and asleep. Just crusing, just surviving. 

Demon - devil - satan , nothing more. 

All I want more and more is to be alone. I desire no friends, family, girlfriend, sex , drugs, alcohol nothing like this! 

But what I want then? How long will I continue to injure myself? I'm aware and I cannot stop myself destroying myself - I'm loosing the grip of it. 

Between me and a heroin addict there's no difference. He is aware and knows that there's a way out and still he doesn't want or have the motivation to get out of it. 

Same for me. I don't need drugs. I just need a cushy bed, a bit of food, internet access and a hot shower. 

I am witnessing my own destruction. Maybe that's why I was created - if course!

So who doesn't want to let go, what doesn't want to accept that is what I am doing here? What's stopping me to deconstruct myself? 

- fear?

Of what? Who?

Parents - they're still here, still like a chained ball. But what I fear the most is their death. Not their passings away in particular but the ritual. 

Why? Why the ritual?

Facing family and neighbors ashamed and small and ego wounded. 

Ego ego ego...

What's the solution? 

Success? 

How? 

...

 

 

[Alex bAlex]

Bullshit and nauseaum - everywhere but most importantly - in the way I conduct my life. 

I'm close to exam and already failed may internal exams and, as always when there's a potentially chance to get up and bring some changes in my professional life, I suddenly gorge myself on spiritual stuff. I'm marathoning through Jed McKenna books like I haven't done with any book in my life. I drop work and skip sleep just to read that beasts. 

What use though... I'll never grab the in depths of meaning and do the exercises. It just more porn for mental masturbation. 

It raining and windy and a pleasure to watch from my new wide room three pane windows.

Be well 🙏

[Alex bAlex]

When I left Bee, I told her that my life is geared towards being a lonely wolf and I won't commit - Ouch, what a jerk of me - but I didn't understand why I was compelled to say that. Now I know .... 

 

[Alex bAlex]

And why America became so great in such a short time ... 

 

[Alex bAlex]

And some tunes  

 

 

 

 

 

Seen this Elke Kleijn for Halloween in London and boy, he's good. I made myself move like a madman on the dance floor, and I had to leave earlier than expected due to exhaustion. Looking forward to seeing him again 

 

Edited November 17, 2022 by Alex bAlex
Grammar

[Alex bAlex]

And something soft ...

 

 

 

 

 

[Alex bAlex]

Fucking myself up.... nothing unusual... 

Remember that sex party at the beginning of the summer? Who I have met there? My accountant. And although we had a great time, I failed on a couple of things.

1 I haven't got her number, we communicate only on her work email which I am cautioned to not be monitored. 

2 She apologises for a couple of times for being late with my tax return and my reply was short with "No worries, take your time" (remember that you NEVER EVER EVER say to women TAKE YOUR TIME - NEVER !!!! ) 

3. I was having a girlfriend at all this time and that made me stay away from seeing her again. 

4 My tax return still has not reached me and she didn't say anything since July. 

Now, I have to pay her a visit to her office and that makes me sweat. It just shows how fucked up I am when it comes to social interactions. 

But still, I have to do it and I will do it today, otherwise, HMRC will make me pay more than wanted for my foolishness. At the end of the day, what do I have to lose? I just have to get there and ask to talk to her about my account and maybe ask her out for a drink or lunch or dinner ... ahh... 

DON"T FUCK WITH YOUR ACCOUNTANT :)) :)) :)) Literally

 

[Alex bAlex]

Wow 🥺😳💜💙💚💛🧡

I Shazam this last week at McDonald's, without giving it too much attention, just listening mindlessly. Today though, I was reviewing my playlist and God, it hit something in me. Can't believe I didn't know about it for the past 10 years. Beautiful. 

Edited November 18, 2022 by Alex bAlex

[Alex bAlex]

Wow 🥺😳💜💙💚💛🧡

I've listened to this song on repeat for the last 6 hours. It feels like tripping, I went from amazing state of energy, warmth and love to uncontrollable crying and releasing. I feel so good and so lucky and blessed and at the same time I keep wondering who the fuck am I and what is happening right now. Who's "me" behind all this layers and stories, who afraid, who's greedy and needy? 

I love you ❤️

[Alex bAlex]

Ahh, I don't even know what I feel. I vacillate so quickly from one state to the other that I am scared that I am going crazy. 

I had this beautiful girl as my customer on Saturday morning and after her a bit of banter and her friend request I got her number. She seems to be a very cool girl. Then I text her 12 hours later. Obviously, I text something either too silly or too formal - she didn't reply. Oh, well, from high highs to low lows. 

I saw my accountant at her office and she politely said that she will do my account tomorrow or if there's anything will be sorted on Monday. I haven't gotten anything back from her yet. I email her and it wrenches me like I can't believe it. I just ended up depending on someone to make my accounts and now I am pulling myself into a state of begging her to do it. FUCK THAT. I will not take it. Even if she plays coy and tries to hold my accounts till later on, I will find someone else to help me out, even if I have to pay double for it. FUCK YOU! I don't get in to lick your arse. 

[Alex bAlex]

It doesn't stop. too much coffee or what? to much rejection? - good 

I am going mad? 

I feel like a worm. 

Insignificant - destroied. 

Nothing is lost Alex, just take a break. 

[Alex bAlex]

You keep fucking things up because you don't focus. You have to work MORE MORE MORE WAY MORE !!!! 

[Alex bAlex]

I'm safe. Too safe. I have created my own safe bubble and if someone or something touches it - ouch, all the danger sensors go off. It's ridiculous. 

[Alex bAlex]

I'm either bottoming or just started to get into that period of the year when the grass is always greener on the other side... 

Oh well, there will be only 6 months of hell with a few short brakes here and there - is the same for 32 years, nothing new. 

So flake.... Snowflake 

[Alex bAlex]

This is messy, this will get dark, very very dark.    I fucked up - big time. 

And still, nothing is lost Embrace what it is!