Mind Clearing Section

[Alex bAlex]

Dream

My phone has been stolen and I was scared. couldn't figure who or when got it.

I asked someone (two McDonald staff) to borrow me a phone to make a call. Those people looking at me like I was talking a weird language. But I get a phone and I made a call. Short after I leave the phone on the table, turn around and when I turn back, I catch some getting his hands on the phone. 

Bam! I went mad and made this guy sit on his knees while I was twitching and twisting his left ear. This guy was threating me very bad but I was grounded, confident and didn't buy his slurs and whatever he was saying. I was mad for justice. I was in power!!! 

Then I woke up. 😀

 

[Alex bAlex]

08.03.2021 - 21.08.2022

I called my father today, broken the silence that I set for 17 months. I might detail later on. 

Am I weak? Again? 

[Alex bAlex]

4 days with Bee in Cornwall last week felt like paradise. From lands end to lizard point and st Ives, gave me a breath of fresh air. 

And I definitely underestimate this girl. 

She has that invisible touching and the right mindset. She just needs wings to fly. 

[Alex bAlex]

Looking at people in my life and wonder why I have created them? What's the message that they are giving to me? And then I found out -giving up!

I hear over again from people in my life how they don't want this or they are satisfied with little or that is not for them to get on top - they gave up! And they're not older than 44!!!

Damnit it's not too late - apparently this the ripe age where you get everything that you learn and apply it so in 10-20 years you can retire happy. But no, for them is too much! 

Nevermind, I'm happy that I can see how foible the human nature is. 

I piss away a lots of time and I am still doing it but sooner or later I'll be on top and that's that! 

NEVER GIVE UP (unless you dissolve the ego / enlightenment )

[Alex bAlex]

Dream

!!!Dreaming about big unusual rabbits. I saw 3 seals and apparently a dude pass me with his tuned car and showed me his little finger. 

A sort of a friend told me that it means that I have to handle my stick and I just started to laugh at this chimp idiotie. 

Yeah my grandma decided to have rabbit in a cage at home but those were gigantic ones, with no fur and I think I saw three of them. 

Anyway 

Good morning 🌞

 

 

[Alex bAlex]

Just now, Alex bAlex said:

21 hours ago, Alex bAlex said:

Looking at people in my life and wonder why I have created them? What's the message that they are giving to me? 

Making this kind of statements should make me think a little bit... actually a little bit more!

I haven't reached the full God realisation or awaken or doing the work that I should do in order to become aware that (if it's true) I create my own reality. 

So in this case I base my statement on a blind following of Leo's words which hasn't been proved wrong with his advice so far, but what if he's deluded? 

I have to embody the God realisation otherwise it's just dogma and no different than any other dogma/religion. 

Think!!!

[Alex bAlex]

This is not fun anymore. I have seen repeating numbers before but for the past two months it's at least 3-4 times a day. 11,1101, 0111 and all combinations, 333 and 444 it's seriously hilarious. I have ordered a book on numerology as I cannot take it anymore. I have to find out what the heck is going on here 😁

Edited September 7, 2022 by Alex bAlex

[Alex bAlex]

Rash is back. Haven't had any for a while, probably more than a year, even more. I might had a bit, but now is spreading over my legs and tights. 

Causes: 

1. New organic, natural, blah blah blah soap/shower gel/shampoo

2. Lying! - not directly, but not being true to myself! In my heart of hearts I know the truth but it becomes harder to bring it up. It will burst nonetheless as it cannot be stopped 🧡

[Alex bAlex]

It's been a while... It's been a while since I done anything productive or good for myself. I stopped exercising/gym for more than a month (actually 2), haven't cooked anything healthy and stuffed myself on McDonald's for the same period of time, abandoned my dropshipping start up, neglected my cyber security course and fail to consume the minimum amount of water+ taking my multivitamins. 

Bad bad bad. 

What I have done instead was working in a hectic manner, spending time calling/texting bee or having some great moments with her. 

But it's over. I'm back to the gym, cooked, got my water intake and I left bee. 

I am not feeling any sad emotion beside me being unable to let it all out. It was more like a silent good bye and I don't like that. But it had to happen. 

We're talking different languages, and I felt like running out of words, just because most of what I was saying were trigger her ego and getting her in a reactive state. 

Low self-esteem issues on both sides here - it couldn't work. My internal voice was screaming time and time again - GET OUT - but I thought I can push through. Or maybe I am just too weak and incompetent to lead. 

"So what's your biggest fear? " I asked her

"To die "- her response, "and yours? "- she asked me 

"To not wake up" 

Her reply was telling me that we are definitely talking different languages

"But you are young and healthy and you shouldn't worry about this trivial things...." Half of me was laughing, and half was witnessing  the matrix that society is playing on me so I can stay asleep.

"Waking up from this dream... " She was giving me a perplexed face while trying to come up with some earthly solutions to a metaphysical problem. Somehow we reach the point of enlightenment and how this require solitude and I better let her know earlier than later if that is the case. Well... It was as early as I could. 

Earlier than night we went to a theatre and after the break she asked if I think it will be a happy ending

"Of course, all the show have an happy ending, no matter how much drama it's in it. All suffering comes from the mind..." 

The last line stir the hell out of her "don't tell me the all suffering if in my mind, I know what I have been through, you haven't been through nothing in your life compared with me..." 

And I was like fucking hell - time for me to eject as I am pulled down very fast instead of me lifting her up.

Even earlier than day I was excited to tell her about the audiobook Conversation with God that I start to listen to a couple of days earlier. Hearing the book title created a panic reaction in her as she started to raise her tone, speak faster and backing up to a wall, because her ex was telling her lines and acted in some passages from the book that she couldn't accept. 

I had to stop her and reassure that everything is ok and whatever decision she takes about living and growing up her children its fine with me.  And it wasn't the first time when she got trigger by TRUTH or methaphical talking. 

She's a lovely soul and wishing her to experience awakening ( not middle life crisis insights) so she can see with her mind's eye. 

I cannot let myself being pulled into drama and denial of what my core is telling me. 

Moreover I see the repeating numbers like crazy - I feel like I am loosing my mind. 111 1:11 11:11 10:10 01:01 11°, sometimes 222 , I paid for meals 3,33 and 6,66. 

She was saying that it must be a love reassurance, I think the angels were telling me to get out and love myself more 👍

I'm feeling good overall and loved and protected. 

Thank you ❤️

[Alex bAlex]

I'm trapped in limbo. - nothing new... duh,...

I spend some great moments with bee but now when I feel it's time to leave I am fighting a war within myself. 

On one hand, when we are in each other's arms, I just want to grab an axe, open my chest, pull my soul out and give myself to her 111%. 

When we are not in each other's arms, the ego goes wild, even if we are in close proximity. I can't see ourselves working towards common goals, and most of the things I do feel forced. AND STILL, I do want her to get out of the 3D illusion, I want her to see the light. I haven't reached her since Sunday, so she called me yesterday to talk....

THE leaving part is easy, I just have to say NO and goodbye

THE STAYING part is HARD, and that makes me wonder, am I too weak? I am such a snowflake that I cannot take someone's behaviour or remarks that don't fit my paradigm. SHOULD I PUSH MYSELF? She didn't abandon me when I was telling her woo-woo stuff, why am I deserting her? For what? 

Intuition Alex, intuition>>>> <<<<OR EGO - and ego that is scared as hell to change or to make an effort to help others, and ego that is so selfish that it wants all for itself!!!????

We have booked a medicine retreat at the end of October and I want her from the depth of my guts, heart and soul to experience this, but if we break now it would be a very weird ceremony. 

So I have to get my shit together and push for at least another month, and then maybe I will wake up and be able to open my heart more than I could open it so far. 

 

[Alex bAlex]

 

[Alex bAlex]

All that is happening is happening as it is

So there is no need to stress as it’s a blessing just to live x2 Just to live just to live just to live

[Alex bAlex]

 

[Alex bAlex]

I can't. It's futile. It's forced and destructive. Truth will set me free! 

[Alex bAlex]

Done. 

I'm free again. We had a convo for an hour or so, and we part in peace (and a bit of tear). But I am happy (and free).

Can't say much as I said most that I had to say. I can't criticize her, it was my fault that I decide to continue although big flags were waving in front of me from the beginning. 

First and foremost, she was wearing mushroom earrings and that decided me into believing that she is into psychedelics. And that should end up there. 

Anyway, it was beautiful but yes, I can feel it - it is my intuition and it's powerful. I had to get out of there otherwise we would drown slowly. I am thankful that I found Leo and this forum that saved me years of pain and going down the wrong path. 

Thank you! 

But this song is just melting my heart!!!

 

[Alex bAlex]

Family-wise, as I had mentioned, I had a couple of talks with my dad. 

First went alright, he was happy to hear me, and want to put mom on the phone, but I refused and said that I will call back in a month. 

After a month I called but he was caught up with his parents and couldn't talk. 

Called later afternoon and the tone was a bit sombre - either he was a bit drunk or .... or what. .... you fucked them up Alex, what do you expect to cheer you up and say "oh baby, everything is ok" ... Nothing is ok. You wrote some nasty words and letters from your "superior" point of view. 

You're just an ass, Alex. The same went out with Bee, instead of trying to level up the discussion you used your "superior understanding (cough cough -more dogma than understanding ) to preach to not so fortunate people and then leave them when they don't share your POV. 

What do you expect? 

But nothing is lost, you still have time to fix yourself and have massive success - did you hear me ? MASSIVE SUCCESS - that's the only way you can wash up a bit of the damage you have done to your family image. 

And still - nothing of this matter - AT ALL!  

What a cosmic joke :)) 

 

[Alex bAlex]

Mind fucking movie - The Machinist 

 

[Alex bAlex]

Doubt. 

 

Lots of doubt.

 

About everything, especially the future. Not decisive and not good. 

444, 555 10:10 333 and 777. Oh obviously 111 are all over my space. I start freaking out. Is this some reticular activation system ¿ 

 

[Alex bAlex]

John Digweed

John Digweed

 

John fucking Digweed for fuck sake!!! 

 

Magnificent night deliver by the maestro in a 6.5 hour set in fabric/ London. I was having multiple orgasms and rebirthing on two tabs of acid and dance the fuck out of my body for 9 hours straight.

Forever great full to the guy who plant the Digweed seed in my brain 7 years ago.🙏

 

I didn't focus on game or approaching at all, and at some point a girl grab my hand saying I love you, and then starting kissing me. Then she said she is lesbian and that she has a boyfriend, but I am beautiful and I have to understand.... 

I was like "wooo what the fuck is going on? " I was tripping balls and barley distinguish my hand , and then this... I was fucking perplexed at least. Then she disappeared 😅

Yes 

Digweed is by far number 1 in my heart.  I saw him in April in e1 for an 6hrs set and that was out of surreal. 

But tonight !!!! Fabric+Digweed = ❤️

Thank you God for all the gifts and blessings that allows me to enjoy your experience ❤️❤️❤️

 

 

                               🙏ONE LOVE 🙏

[Alex bAlex]