Mind Clearing Section

[Alex bAlex]

I couldn't find the dream that I was looking for but I found this 

 

Posted November 21, 2019

Remembered a dream which I had a couple of weeks ago. 

I was in front of my home. Suddenly some girl comes from behind and with its huge long arms surrender me and duck me down asking me for money. I said, "one moment please!". I was surprised how easy I got out of its trap and rushed to call the police - twice. 

The line was buzzing and the voices were undistinguished. While the girl (monster) remained in the same position, I ran into the house to my parents, who lay down in bed, to ask for help. 

Looking like they don't understand me and laughing at me I started to beat up this girl realising that she is a Polish national. 

Although I start to smack her face she did nothing but laugh as if nothing happened. 

I was looking around me and I realised that something was not "right" and I might dream.

As usual, at this time I woke up panting.

 

***

Hmmm, what the heck is going on here? Just dreaming? Or the witch is a real witch? Wow - I say wow because Bee is of Polish nationality :)).

[Alex bAlex]

 

Learn!!! Ask beforehand and explain the process. No, for the first time means no! 

 

Edited August 1, 2022 by Alex bAlex

[Alex bAlex]

Well what a fucking weekend has been. I stressed a lot for little things before hand but it was worth it. Didn't worked out as planned but all went well at the end.

Friday I slept just 4 hours and then I hit the road up to London with 3 friends, pick up Bee, and straight to the club for Roy Rosenfeld and Township Rebellion. It was my test. Not for anyone else but for me. I really wanted to see if I can have 100% fun without any substance. And I had the greatest time 😃 My only concerned was about getting tiered and having to drive back but one cofee and one coca cola and an energy drink sort me out for all night. Dancefloor was all mine, drop after drop. 

Driving back wasn't a problem, even more I was excited spending time with Bee at my place. Nonetheless I thought I will be dead by the time I get home and sleep all day. Didn't worked that way. Levels of caffeine and endorphins were high giving that I haven't been on coffee (or love) for months. So sleeping patterns have had a major disruption and all the planning schedule for the weekend. 

What went wrong - me having alcohol. Two bottles of wine between us. Still I don't feel good about doing it. It's a sign of weakness! No fucking alcohol for me!!!

The second thing that went wrong was me trying to be kinky and using hot wax on bee while drunk - bad bad bad! I didn't made myself clear and while she said stop I continued and that was awfully wrong. 

Third: I guess I said too much when I was drunk and trying to explain her things about sexuality, masculine/feminine dynamics and polarity. 

Also I think I am lowering my guard too much. 

 

What went well - everything else 😃

[Alex bAlex]

Caution on classification of places (low class, middle class,etc. ) or how you express yourself. You used words like "i know" when you kept hemming and hawing that you know nothing here on the journal. 

 

[Alex bAlex]

Feeling low today. 12hrs + of sleeping. Don't want to go to the gym. Don't want to do anything. But I have to! If I want to have a better future! Short term Vs long term thinking. 

[Alex bAlex]

For now - it's an emotional charged weekend. Actually the whole week was a mess but now is a hell. More later...

[Alex bAlex]

28.05.2022 - 07.08.2022 - RIP relationship

Well, it came to an end. It had to. Since Thursday I have been living a nightmare. Friday evening got even worse, and I had to stay true to myself and say enough - I don't have any reason to suffer in vain. I couldn't work and I sat in the fetal position for hours crying myself to sleep. 

What happened basically is that my true self knows what's true - duh, and I could see how I acted in a fake manner only to get the experience of having a girlfriend. Nothing came naturally, I was running out of ideas and words to text, and I had no passion/ flow on what to say. When you're in love and she touches your heart, you don't have to think of what to say or what to do, everything flows through you. 

That's not to say that every act of mine was fake, it's just in the depth of my heart I knew that I may not act truly but I had enjoyed such beautiful moments and experiences and felt love and appreciated and (I'm crying now - I am sorry that I hurt you ) ....she definitely touched my heart but couldn't get in

She requested another meeting to discuss things that I said or happened last week but it was hard for her to tell me then(last week) because I was in a vulnerable spot (?). Anyway, it was the second or third time when we had to have this type of discussion, but my decision was already taken, so whatever she thought of the outcome of our talk ... it didn't matter. Anyway, her feedback taught me that I shouldn't go and touch-sensitive matters, in terms of sex so soon and easy, like kink, past sex experiences, porn, dirty talk and all that stuff. I was just open, but sometimes I have to shut the fuck up. We knew each other for two months and had only four dates, so not so much grounding and trusting.

Well, I know, I am a jerk and all that nine yards, but I had enough balls to drive two hours up to London and to look her in the eye when I told her that my heart is closed and I don't have feelings for her. It's painful - it was for me as well all the weekend, crying myself to sleep and crying at work and while shopping. Now I am relieved. But it goes down to self-esteem. 

Recently I just start to listen to Nathaniel Branden's book "6 pillars of self-esteem" and that saved me months of pain down the road. 

I tried to see different outcomes of this infatuation but I couldn't. Not that I hadn't had feelings for her, she cared about me and was on the point of going to the love phase of the relationship, but I couldn't see it working. 

 

First and foremost, I thought that Leo's old video titled "40 Red flags in a partner" or something like that, was a bit too much and that Leo exaggerates things, but I could see how many of his points make sense when you do at least some development work. We definitely had different ways of viewing the world in terms of time. And oh, time....

In five different circumstances and various times, she was always late. And I give her the benefit of the doubt, she had kids, and a house and all that stuff, but not even when she choose what time to meet, is not ready for another 15 minutes. And the same happened when I went to pick her up with my friends to go clubbing. Now I am outside with a car full of people, watching the clock and wondering WTF. 

SORRY but I respect myself enough to eject out of this situation - it might not mean much for some, but I am not her puppy dog waiting for her in order to get a bit of affection and spend time together. THAT WAS THE MAJOR RED FLAG THAT I KNEW I COULDN'T get over. At the end of the day, I could even see myself taking care of her children, but TIME, fuck that, I cannot get time back and I won't let anyone waste mine!

 

So there should be no surprise that my values are not in line with hers and that there are incompatibilities. Still, she was surprised that I took this decision - ok, you are surprised, but Friday you add to your playlist a song by Odesza- The Last goodbye which says: 

Let me down easy
For your love for me is gone
Let me down easy
Since you feel to stay is wrong

I know it's all over
But the last goodbye
Oh, let me down easy

This made me wonder why is she surprised if she already had this intuitive feeling. I feel that she was trying to play a bit of a game here, because of all those discussions of weird text messages or what I said or how I had behaved.... Don't know but something was fishy here.

[She started to put pressure on me with small gifts and that was something that turn on a small red light because now I felt that I had to reciprocate - selling one-on-one ;) ]

 I cannot tell what but it didn't feel right and my intuition saved me again. And that fucking book where Nathaniel says "two valleys cannot form a peak", referring to that two low self-esteem people cannot become one big self-esteem couple.

Well, it's hard, but I choose to bury the accusation of betrayal and don't betray my soul, or to disappoint others but don't live a life in remorse. 

Lessons learned: 

-be more assertive and lead the date (planning and location) - give  her options but not pressure her to choose everything;

-no gifts, no flowers, especially if she doesn't get close to your heart; 

-no sex talks unless she brings it up, especially in the first months/ dates.

-no heavy stuff/ drama talk/ open up so easy; 

-if she offers her number/insists on you saving her number - CAUTION!!!

- work on your purpose! 

 

Now if you read all this and you are here on the forum struggling with getting laid, I have to say to you - get out!!!

First time when I got out I talk with one guy for 10 minutes all night.

The second time I talked with a girl and exchanged numbers and danced all night but she wasn't my type at all - good for the experience! 

Third time - I got this date for two months and had a wonderful time and pleasant experiences! 

 

Now is time for me to get out there again - fail, rinse and repeat. 

 

Good bye Bee❤

 

[Alex bAlex]

 

[Alex bAlex]

Long messaging yesterday, explaining what happened and where I stand, long reply from her, followed by a break from work.

"Ok, let's go to the sea, it's scorching hot and I leave 5 min walk so why not have a splash." 

And I went there, just dipping my toe, then I lay down and start to cry. Finally got the guts to swim for 5 minutes and cry more in the water. I sat on the towel got roasted, and then I sat on a bench for 10 minutes and walked all my way home crying all the time. At home, I cried even more while looking naked in the mirror and taking pictures of myself in this desolate state. 

Why are we taking pictures only when happy and smiling? Look at yourself when you are in pain and observe yourself fully. 

Then I went to bed and slept for 12 hours - depression! Waking up and crying a bit more. 

WHY? WHY? WHY? If there's no future together and if my heart is locked, then why on earth do I cry so much? ---ATTACHMENT! 

You crave that Alex, you know you do. Someone to talk to and to ask you how you are and to send you messages, to caress your ego a little bit, you miss all that! Yes, you had some passionate moments but it wasn't a falling in love - it was NEEDINES! 

 

Depression - why are you depressed? Because of lack of purpose! You know what you have to work on, but you keep slacking off. You have Network+ to study and a new business to get off the ground, but you keep putting aside setting definitely goals. 

Setting goals and working on them BOOST your self-esteem a lot, especially when you feel unworthy and that you have not achieved anything in the material sense so far. So get that pen and paper and set goals. 

 

Apparently, everyone wants to know the truth and to tell things how they really are, but when we are going to tell them how things really are, we are thinking that this might hurt them and we start to wishy-washy move away from the initial statement! BE BOLD! 

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oUO04d1aUMg&ab_channel=MotivationalStories

 

 

 

[Alex bAlex]

I guess it's much easier to be on the other side of the equation when it comes to break up. If you're being let down, at least you know that you have to work on some areas of your life. 

But when you let someone down, damn it's heart wrenching. 

You're the cause of all suffering Alex starting with your parents, friends and now a sweet soul that had no clue you can be such a sadist. 

-No you're wrong, I'm not the cause of suffering of anyone else. Is their attachment to me that causes them to suffer! You wrote about this in the previous post -Attachmet! 

You can not be responsible for others feelings. They have their stories and emotional baggages!

STRIVE FOR YOUR OWN LIBERATION WITH DILIGENCE!

[Alex bAlex]

Didn't paid too much attention to it but I've been suggested that I might channel something or someone. Not sure about it and I looked up a bit today. It's a bit difficult to see or hear when I channel something or maybe I just don't use the right vocabulary and instead of channeling I might use the word intuition. 

https://youtu.be/X5wLmuwcbmU

Anyway, it seems that this might have moved me to break up last week. All week was nightmarish and especially Wednesday through Thursday morning the thought that I had to leave was fixated on my mind. Still, I thought it's just a thought and will disappear but instead it got stronger and stronger until Friday night when I couldn't bear it anymore and I said stop, I'll let her go. Then I find a bit of relief but replace it with sorrow. Friday night through Saturday morning I had to stop working and cry myself to sleep. Now that voice is gone but my feelings are even worse. 

Even now I am my soul is still crying sometimes and wondered if that was a good time to deliver this message or if I should have to end it first of all. 

However that feedback from the channel or intuition cannot be described. I had no peace of mind, I tried to think about any possible scenarios for continuing the relationship and couldn't see any outcome out of it. 

I feel bad for breaking this girl heart💔

- Alex, you have to move over this type of talk! This is your deep nice guy syndrome that has been programmed in to your mind! You're working on it and make good progress! You're not responsible for others feelings or life or way of thinking! Work more on yourself!👊

Edited August 9, 2022 by Alex bAlex

[Alex bAlex]

On 01/08/2022 at 5:26 AM, Osaid said:

Recently, yes.

Eventually you will get sick of your own complacency and unwillingness to stand up for yourself. You might reach some sort of breaking point where you get really annoyed by your complacency and fear, like some big life decision, that's what happened to me at least. If you love yourself and respect yourself then you will get up and do what needs to be done in order to forge the best version of yourself. You will do it out of love for yourself and gratefulness towards what life has currently handed you.

Either you start working on yourself now, or you wait for life to force you into a situation where you have no choice but to work on yourself. When you start working on yourself, when you start confronting what you fear, do it out of love and respect towards yourself. If you wanna become someone who changes the world, you gotta confront what currently makes you uncomfortable. Use your fear and anxiety as a guidepost towards what you need to forge yourself into the best version of you. In the framework of the Hero's Journey, the things you fear are the dragons that the hero must slay, the bigger the fear the bigger the dragon. But once you slay it, man do you become a much stronger person.
 

It's time to start sticking up for yourself. Show your dreams and ideas some love. You've been neglecting your desires this entire time. Baby steps. At least build some discipline for yourself. Start waking up early. Start researching your interests and what you want to do. Get serious about it before life forces you to get serious about it. Start pre-emptively challenging yourself. Don't let life throw challenges at you, make your own challenges for your own sake. This way, when life gives you lemons, you will already be so skilled and qualified that you can easily make lemonade out of it, and brush past it like it's nothing. 

This idea of starting to be "serious" and being "disciplined" might scare you, that's good. Ask yourself, why the hell are you scared of turning your life into something amazing? You're scared of a putting a little bit of discipline in your life? Haven't you waited long enough? Aren't you sick of constantly getting worried and scared about improving yourself? Notice that fear, and be angry that you have that fear, and focus on getting rid of that fear by confronting what you fear. Like I said, use your fear and anxiety as a guidepost towards the dragons you need to slay.

Sound!

Edited August 10, 2022 by Alex bAlex

[Alex bAlex]

Welcome back, Bee! 

Yeah - we're back. I couldn't take it, she couldn't take it either and texted me, we met and now I am more confused than ever, not about her but about what was happening in my head last week. 

We have addressed the time problem and apparently, there are some anxiety issues relating to time from her previous experience, which I won't detail. However, I felt that energy again. 

Could all my mental disturbance be caused by FOMO? Big, big chances. I think I am just blank and stupid sometimes and don't see what is in front of my eyes. Maybe she's not perfect but she has something deep inside that connects us. I cannot touch it but is there. I am afraid of saying that is love because that word can be misused or jumped on very quickly but there is something. (So is it neediness then - not sure, I could have done okay without anyway -probably) 

Maybe this was just my communication problem, things bubbled up, I didn't say anything, I was a bit passive-aggressive in the being but didn't mention the problem of time and being late again and now my mind was looking for all the signs that it could to get me breaking up. 

But now I am happy, I have slept on a dry pillow last night :)) 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BMzjoYPR1HA&ab_channel=ArmadaMusicTV

 

[Alex bAlex]

 

[Alex bAlex]

Alexander the Great died on 10th if June 323 BC at 33 years old. Just saying.... 

[Alex bAlex]

Am I too weak...? If course! Why? 

Well, first I gave up trying to easy and avoid clear communication. 

Secondly, I got back too easy and didn't stick to my plan of never look back no matter what. 

Maybe sometime us good to look back. Or maybe I'm just weak 😮‍💨

 

Alex Alex Alex, remember about the self talk? Would you accept someone describing you as weak? Then why you talk to yourself like that? What you think about day by day, you become!!!

[Alex bAlex]

Very weird reaction from me leaving the gym. There's this lovely girl at the help desk, and also a new personal trainer that I used to share a house with. I'm leaving the changing room buzzing , dancing a bit and thinking about what to say passing by this nice girl. Not to impress or something but general comment. Then I had to move out of my trajectory as other people were coming in, then I saw my ex house mate.

For a while I wanted to congratulate her for her new position as a personal trainer and saying that I am happy for her but now I just freeze and rush out of the gym. 

Hello Charlotte - I said

Hey... In a I don't give a fuck and get out of my way voice she replied. 

See you later- said the other girl

See you - I replied leaving the gate closing behind me.

 

Why I felt so ....scared? There were another 2 ladies at the desk but... Why I didn't stop and ask Charlotte how is she or her new job? Not like I'm falling for any of these girls but there's something deep that has to be addressed here

Yes you foul - you skipped your pick up sessions and now you wonder why you miss your balls - duh. Come on what's with this guy 🤨

 

 

[Alex bAlex]

Music and dancing is my element. This is something that I have to focus on!!!

 

 

[Alex bAlex]

https://youtu.be/afbSfWonDtM 

 

 

 

[Alex bAlex]

https://petition.parliament.uk/signatures/127617434/signed

Reschedule psilocybin for medical research on untreatable conditions

Move psilocybin (the psychoactive compound found in “magic mushrooms”) to Schedule 2 of the Misuse of Drugs Regulations 2001, reducing unnecessary barriers to scientific research which slow the development of new and vital treatments for a range of physical and mental health conditions in the UK.

Edited August 14, 2022 by Alex bAlex