Mind Clearing Section

[Alex bAlex]

Something might not be right with my body. 

In the past I was getting sick one, max twice a year. Now I have a sore throat for the fourth time in three months. 

Does it have anything to do with meeting a lot of people at the club and a combination of sweat/could air? Or large temperature gaps from 30°C outside to 16°C in the car air con. 

Or even nutrition can play a major role, although I max out on veg soup but maybe not as much as I would like on fruits and nuts. 

COVID ? 

Or maybe it's a combination of all of the above 

[Alex bAlex]

Sleeping pattern is gone. Not because of coffee or overworking or forcing myself to stay up but because of excitement. 

Got a nice vision and easy to implement. Hopefully it will stick! It has to. I have gone too far without action. The time is now! I need just a bit of momentum and guidance. It's doable.  

That spark...

Can't wait 😁

[Alex bAlex]

Not feeling well that's for sure. Sore throat and flu symptoms, might have to take a break today. Done 5 miles run and 5 minutes swimming, but still not much progress of clearing up the system.  Still have to do some shopping, especially fruits. 

 

[Alex bAlex]

Shouldn't wondering why I am feeling like crap - duhhh very smart of me to exercise and get a tan.... 

[Alex bAlex]

Been a hellish night and difficult to sleep and rest. Still feeling chesty in the morning in spite of feeding myself with Lemsip. 

Then I remembered - sauna. 

Not that I have one around but usually when I am cold and feverish, I just cover myself up in blankets and sweat. The weather is perfect, at 28°C, shirt on, duvet on top and 3 hours of bathing in my own juice. Now, in spite of a bit of cough, I feel rejuvenated. Time for a gym session.

 

***

I see some people are struggling with the idea of God and solipsism and I thought about it myself but it didn't phased me much. I mean, if I am the on thing there IS then happy days, why should I worry? Obviously I see how ego is sneaking in and when hears the word God, automatically wants power and omniscience, but that's the devil. 

Ah, an ego death, at minimum, is necessary in order not to loose it.

Just rambling....

 

[Alex bAlex]

How do you tell someone is healthy - conditions of their skin and smell - hence billions on cosmetic industry and perfumes.

Now understand why women wear makeup - looking healthier in order to attract the best partner to spread the geans. 

Edited July 20, 2022 by Alex bAlex

[Alex bAlex]

Just found this guy - damn he's good!!!

Nicholas Rada 

https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLCyOUe7_INa88z8a1CwzZGobZXM3EuUcU

 

 

[Alex bAlex]

Woke up after 3 hours shivering and cold as f. The water was warm like a dog pee (I haven't tried dog pee -or any other pee- but I have imagination).

What should I do? Big shirt and trousers on and get under duvet and sweat for 6 hours. 

Feel a bit better but I am still sick, wtf? Time to max out on tea and lemons. 

 

So this is also God's love for itself? 

[Alex bAlex]

So it's here again! Is this self sabotage in action? Probably. I want it to call it burn out but burn out of what? 

I was on path to do some work and create a business plan and now here I am, shivering and in massive muscle pain, part from yesterday's gym session. 

I couldn't do anything today except for eating and showering. Now I am dressed up for gym but I don't feel very motivated to make it. Still, I have to push through the motions and get myself there. 

Wondering if I will get back my energy by the end of the week. 

And that's how I keep myself in a wage slavery. It's ridiculous. I have to put that business plan in action ASAP, just need a bit of consultation. And to come up with a cheeky name that will help with branding and SEO and all that crap. Who thought that name is so important and difficult to find a good one? But I have faith that I will find it. 

Let's move! 

[Alex bAlex]

Or maybe, just maybe it's fucking COVID.

I was exercise on my way to the gym and it hit me that it might be COVID.  Got home after a painful session and got a test. Hmmm, fuck it. 

 

What am I doing now? I'll have to see how I feel tomorrow, but I think it peaked already. 

 

[Alex bAlex]

I'm getting back to that black place, that vortex of no escape while watching Leo's old videos on business. On one hand they're very motivated but my psyche is pulling me out of dreaming. 

And I might not be back to full capacity by weekend. Postpone your dating and watch your self talk 

Edited July 21, 2022 by Alex bAlex

[Alex bAlex]

Waking up drained and drenched. Obviously I had to postpone the dating and take a time off from work. But I let myself dragged down on pizza (at least I avoid coke -cola) and suicide squad ( meah - lots of violence and cheap drama - kids stuff).

But I had to go for a 5 miles run at midnight when no one is on the streets. A leader don't hold on his battle because he might not feeling well. 

I feel much better now, can't wait to eliminate that poison pizza out of my gut and crack it on. 

The fact is that even if I want to stay with my dick up in bed all day for 10 days, I CANNOT.  I'm too enslaved to my £££ (or better say the lack thereof). 

It's fucking survival! 

[Alex bAlex]

Mind is running wild again from moralising, judging and the most precious theme of my life - unworthiness. 

My inefficient ability to taste life and make a killing in business is destroying myself self from inside out. It's like a rat feeding itself with my organs, and it's just a moment till I'll be diagnosed with some shit because I stress out of nothing. 

 

But literally I feed this sack of meet with whatever I can give it best and look after it and feed the mind and still, 20 years kids have it way better than me on many aspects of life. 

I'm going through a crisis again? I don't know but I feel I have no idea where I am going or how can I make it through. I'm sick of driving around and have no money in my bank account. I can't do this shit anymore. It's been three years and it supposed to be only three months. 

 

Yes, little knowledge is dangerous. 

[Alex bAlex]

I can watch ton of video after video on stage orange, mind keeps telling me that I can't, that I don't have power. Why the f at every little bump in my way I keep thinking it's over, that's it, I cannot move forward, I don't know what to do... ? 

Well damn it, I can't do this for the rest of this dream...

[Alex bAlex]

Forgot something? What about the mindset? 

Momentarily is +98 % scarcity - twist this balance!!!

[Alex bAlex]

It's been a while and I want coffee - I crave it. Coke or coffee or red bull, - stimulation! Aha, I need a stimulant due to feeling sick. Mmm, so when you get sick your will power gets low as well? I didn't express that right but you know what I want to say. 

Yes, I got sick and I jumped on pizza and McDonald because I didn't cook and blah blah blah reasoning. 

Do some basic shopping and stop all this BS

 

 

[Alex bAlex]

I've got this obsession with coke cola now. Not sure what's the root of it but I haven't taken any stimulants for more than one month, but I don't think it's an withdrawal. When I say stimulant I refer to coke cola, coffee or modafinill/ microdosing. 

Ok, I had a cup of coffee 3 weeks ago. It can't be that one, the withdrawal from that coffee should subside after 4 days or so. 

It starts when I go to do shopping. A month ago I was proud of grabbing a bottle of Coke only to drop it before the check out. I couldn't put that shit in this body - yet that victory seems to have a bitter sweet taste as now I feel like a junkie dreaming of that sugary taste. But I know- it's poison. It's good for 10 minutes then I will be fucked. 

Water, drink a lot of water 💦

[Alex bAlex]

So pissed off again a d lots of resentment bubbling up - pissing away my 20s and that fucking power that I am missing is killing me. Literally this will kill me. If I don't get power soon enough to burn through my karma, I'll die. 

Every day is a opportunity pissed away because I am fucked up. 

 

Aggrttrrrrrrraasssrr[g

[Alex bAlex]

If you have to choose between disappointing someone or live in resentment, choose disappointing. Living in resentment will kill you slowly from inside out!

[Alex bAlex]

Déjà vu, check old journal entries of March last year. Involve two women and kids and some stressful situation? Vague recollection but I have to check what was I had dreamt of....