Mind Clearing Section

[Alex bAlex]

I am creating a new section on mind-clearing, and jotting everything down.

-Well, Alex, haven't you done this with all the other journals? 

- I did, but some stuff that I say, doesn't reflect my true self and even me looking back at those statements, makes me wonder - wtf? As Leo said, it's evolution, I'm evolving and what mI said doesn't represent the "new me" anymore. (Games, games, games that I'm playing with myself again)

Also, I start to make sense of privacy and why having privacy is important - freedom of thinking. If you have to think twice or trice about everything you will say then that's not freedom anymore and you shape your thinking and behaviour to match or please someone else. Privacy is good- because there you can be with the animal that resides in you, with that monster that you are afraid of discovering, that you think doesn't exist - but is there, and if you're not aware of it, it will hijack you and your life at the very first opportunity. That doesn't mean it cannot be tamed - that's why we're doing all this grinding work here. ( Wtf are you talking about? Privacy? This is a public forum - douche 😂)

 

Talking about grinding work, I start to feel it again. That feeling that everything that I do is not in vain. All the nitty-gritty work that I have done so far it start to show some results  (from the gym to reading and listening to great content to contemplation, itrospections) - it was time to :))

 

I spent time with Bee yesterday and gosh, it was delightful. First, she was late 5 minutes, then 15 minutes, my patience was thin, but it was there no less, and  I am happy that I haven't left. (Punctuality has to be addressed)

We had dinner, cocktails and a beautiful time outdoors as the weather was on our side. Then I got the surprise -she invited me to her house to stay overnight, comforting me. My ego was a bit shocked - not that I haven't stayed at other people's houses, but not in this way and not overnight with candles and cuddles. (Lovely moments, I'm just stupid time to time)

I had a couple of moments by myself, in the back garden (wonderful house and place), and I ask the question "what am I doing here? Why her?" 

Again, I got no reply - something inside me is telling me that I have to be there, with her. So there has to be a higher purpose at work here. 

If there's one major trait that I like about this girl, that is maturity. She has been through difficult stuff in her life and I can see how that shaped her attitude - for good or worse will find out, but she's much more grounded than many other people I met in the recent months. I definitely underestimate her in many aspects from music to psychedelics to spirituality. I had a strong feeling that she's a spiritual person and she's close to a big awakening - when I was driving up to meet her, I was thinking that I would love to have an ayahuasca session with her, just to find out that she wants to do ayahuasca in Peru - ding ding bang bang - fuck me here and now 😂🤣:  Sure, it's still early, there's more to find out soon, but so far, I am satisfied that we have found each other. 

 

So apparently all the work that I have done those years is not in vain, someone who has good eyes apparently can see beyond mere appearances. 

Thank you 🙌

 

 

Edited July 11, 2022 by Alex bAlex

[Alex bAlex]

Pressure is creeping up to my mind, fear and anxiety. Not necessarily fear that something bad would happen but fear that I won't going to make it. Fear that I won't be able to navigate the future in a timely manner. 

I can't see myself getting out of this rut and in feel that pressure. Will I struggle along for 3 or more years till I will be able to work in cyberspace? And that's if I will be able to make it till there. 

I definitely have to come up with some solutions and ideas here otherwise it's bad bad bad. Economy will not bounce back in a month and Uber around here is dead. 

Think bitch, think! No wasting time!!! 

[Alex bAlex]

Dream one:

I'm parking my car in London in front of a pub/hotel. I'm concerned about the parking rules but I went on my way. A group of people surrender me and keep walking, dancing around me but in a shady manner. I can feel they want to steal something from me. I have my hands in my pocket and manage to run out of that gang dark area. 

I'm looking for the car, and I cannot find it anywhere. I get panicked. Did the parking guys tow it away or the gang stole it. I'm freaking out as it's a rental car. Still the gang is following me and I run. I hide in a pub and have a conversation with a familiar face that is leaving me there. 

I woke up..

 

 

Dream two: - actually this dream was before the one above.

 

There's those road works machines that removes the tarmac and then other roadworkers set up the new tarmac. I was surprised and then felt happy to drive on smooth surface only to stop again for other road works. 

But I was happy again before I have been woken up Bee and the silent alarm. 

 

 

[Alex bAlex]

Alex, remember: forget about the "how" and focus on what or where. How will take care of itself. 

Visualise visualise visualise! 

[Alex bAlex]

You're getting weak Alex. Stop being reactive. Pause take a step back, analyse then press send. 

https://youtu.be/2qQb25KvdfY

 

 

 

[Alex bAlex]

Yes, business baby. I have found it. I had idea before but you need someone like Bee to open your damn eyes and make you think. 

There's a couple of steps (more than a couple) but I have something that I can pour my soul in and won't take 3 year to make it happen. 

Thank you 🙏

[Alex bAlex]

As soon as I get excited, all my life guiding principles are flying out of the window. Got to watch me more close. 

"Be tolerant with others and strict with yourself" Marcus Aurelius

Embrace the fact that sooner or later people will will let you down or become jerks.  But you, don't let yourself down. 

[Alex bAlex]

Great to see some of foundational episodes again. 

 

 

It's still very early for me - it takes decades of work to reach the self actualised life, but what else have I got to do? 

 

 

 

 

[Alex bAlex]

What if I can't, what if I fail, what if..... 

 

Just embrace the moment you shmuck! And if it turns out that you can't, or even if you can, that's your growing opportunity. You have nothing to lose but yourself - your old self. 

🧡

[Alex bAlex]

compTia network plus starting to get more challenging. I'm reading and skimming instead of comprehending. 

But now is the time when I have to push harder, even if I go back over chapters and repeat them.

I skipped gym or running this week. I overslept. Woke up after 6- 8 hours but I longed for another two. This is a no no. Why the f am I so lazy? 

[Alex bAlex]

I felt it again - that little black tiny alien type (alien and predator) squelching inside me, trying to run... Run where? From who or what? 

Don't know, I just wanted to delete this journal and start a new one. Want to run, to hide? 

Well in this case there might be a issue here ? Is this something to do with self confidence, self esteem or what? If you cannot put your thoughts down and always want to modify the contents then all those years of development are in vain. 

Who cares what you said or thought - only you! Seems to be good at giving advice but apply it to yourself also 😉

 

What the f Alex, come on, you're too comfortable again!

(Wish I had a bed of nails so I can be more present even in my sleep) 

 

[Alex bAlex]

Got it! Why I am afraid? What am I running from? LOVE! Ego is afraid of love? Why? Because it might not survive - it has to dissolve, thus I come up with all excuses if why I should keep myself to myself a d mind my own business. 

Love yourself more and don't be afraid of falling in love. What's the worst that can happen? Even if you "die" you know that is all love anyway. 

I'm a happy cat 🐈

[Alex bAlex]

Development and awakening - not neither or - both! 

So that's why I was confused about some people at festivals, they might be awaken but not developed and master this dream life. Makes sense now.

[Alex bAlex]

I am the mind trying to jailbreak itself. Difficult but not impossible. Important to understand that I get side tracked and distracted and that's why I feel lazy especially in the morning. I wake up after 6 hours but sleep again for two to four hours. 

I lack vision. That vision that gets me out of bed! 

Visualise more! 

[Alex bAlex]

Skipped learning for a day and even today I don't feel like I want to learn anymore. But now is when I have to push myself. 

At least I am on track with exercise and nutrition. 

Still have time to get back to learning today. Late evening brake 

[Alex bAlex]

Read for 20 minutes but it seems to get stuck at IP routing. Not that it doesn't make sense but I can't focus on. My thoughts are allover the place, especially to next week. Should I dye my hair or just having a haircut? Should we walk or drive around? Should we .... Damnit it's unstoppable. I have to keep myself busy but also draft a plan and stick to it. 

[Alex bAlex]

I'm always looking for minimising task time so I can have more time. But when I get that extra time, I'm just wasting it. Wtf? 

Why?

Purpose -life purpose. 

Well, the all it could fly out of the window soon as I have a bigger vision in mind but has to be double checked first. 

"Bigger vision" - I'm talking like planing to construct the next satellite TV station 😅😂 

[Alex bAlex]

Dream.

Meeting old distant people and feeling uncomfortable. I was admired but I felt I adequate in their presence.

Previously I had a "fight" with my cousin who was doing some shady business on the backseat of the Uber that I was driving in London. Then I realized that he wanted to reach the "memorial" place. I was furious as it was Sunday evening/morning and it was raining, some lane closures in an underground tunnels. This made me fight with my cousin but in the end I explained him why I can't reach that place.

Previously there's some party in a posh place.... 

 

 

 

 

[Alex bAlex]

Woken up after 5 hours but soon enough I feet sick and tiered and I clocked another 4 hours of sleep. I'm still a bit dizzy and all over the place. Is something to do with the heat? 

[Alex bAlex]

I'm not an active member of this forum besides just jotting down my thoughts here and once a year asking or answer a question, but- I scrolled through some topics recently and made me think. 

The guy said that there's no growth here with this work that we're doing and that we're the same as we have been two months ago. 

Well it might seem like that and I almost believed him/her (don't know this person pronoun), except that in the past two months I could feel not a change because of the work I have done in the previous two months, but in the previous five years. 

Been to the gym two months and I was disappointed. Now, after 10 months I am proud. 

Incremental growth is not visible but when it comes together, it's joyful. 

And still,I barley touch (not even scratch) the surface of all this self improvement work. 

Continuous development and learning for the rest of this dream. Whoever's telling you to slow down, doesn't have a clue of what's possible 😉

 

 

Edited July 18, 2022 by Alex bAlex
Grammar