Medhansh

How to deal with bullies and assholes at college?

145 posts in this topic

@Medhansh

That sounds really shitty. Consider that this is a part of a larger opportunity to learn to set boundaries and be more assertive.

The fundamental problem here, as you’ve already pointed out, is that he sees you as an easy target. And there are likely little or no social consequences for him bullying you. It may even make him appear cooler to your classmates.

So that is the dynamic that has to shift to really get to the root of this.

How can you become a man that automatically commands more respect?


 

 

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2 hours ago, aurum said:

@Medhansh

How can you become a man that automatically commands more respect?

I don't know. Working on my personality could help.

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@aurum

4 hours ago, aurum said:

So that is the dynamic that has to shift to really get to the root of this.

How can you become a man that automatically commands more respect?

But this usually takes a lot of time, like a few years to achieve and he needs to find a way to deal with the situation at hand right now. Being actively bullied will actually prevent him from healing and making this progress.

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@Medhansh Beware verbal abuse is even worse than physicall when it accumilates through the days and months! 

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Posted (edited)

24 minutes ago, Something Funny said:

@aurum

But this usually takes a lot of time, like a few years to achieve and he needs to find a way to deal with the situation at hand right now.

That's exactly the issue. Working through my ailments and improving my personality will be a multiple-year long project. Once I develop and cure myself, I would be able to handle these issues much more easily.

 

What do I do right now, while having these issues? 

24 minutes ago, Something Funny said:

Being actively bullied will actually prevent him from healing and making this progress.

That's exactly what's happening, and that's why I want it to stop asap. Healing myself is difficult enough without having to deal with this shit.

Edited by Medhansh

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Posted (edited)

13 minutes ago, Something Funny said:

What kind of aliments are you talking about specifically?

I have explained them in detail here. The first post-

 

Edited by Medhansh

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@Medhansh wow, that's tough. That good thing is that you sound super motivated so I hope you will find a solution eventually.

As far as bullying goes, I think some advise in this thread is quite good. Do things that are effective in the moment. You might not be able to take him on physically but you can still:

Report him, film him, pepper spray him, set him up. Provoke him when the moment is right so that he gets in trouble, etc.

Pepper spray is actually great imo because no matter how strong you are, once it gets on your face, in the eyes, nose, mouth, lungs, you will be crying like a little baby and rolling on the ground. It's a really effective way to make sure he doesn't want to deal with you again.

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@Leo Gura

Since you've already made a video about how to avoid getting scammed. Could you also make a video on how to avoid getting bullied and to deal with bullies/toxic/aggressive people at school, college, work, on the street, etc.?

How do you handle situations like above in a conscious way without just sucking it up for years?

Also, how to heal and recover after being bullied.

I think it would help lots of people since being bullied early on in life can really fuck up their ability to do self-actualization work.

 

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20 hours ago, Medhansh said:

(Didn't really know where to put this topic. Mods are welcome to shift it wherever they think is suitable).

 

I am attending my college and there's this one guy who's always picking on me for no reason whatsoever. He has been doing this on and off for the past 3 months now. Earlier when I used to sit right in front of him, he used to do it daily.

Then after a few days of constant insults and nuisance, I changed my seats to a different row to avoid him. And I changed my friend circle. 

But after a few days he started doing the same stuff once again- from far, whenever we crossed paths, etc. Thing is, I have a very weak personality because of my ailments and I am an easy target for guys like him. 

Few examples- 

1. He constantly insults me in front of other people. 

2. He indirectly targets my parents- on father's day he indirectly called himself my father, by asking me what will I get him as a gift. 

3. One time during a convo with our friends, he joked about my financial condition. He's from a rich business background, and I am from a middle-class background. He said- "Do you actually think he(refering to me) would have XX ruppees?"

4. Today when I was walking home from college, he reversed his car really fast and stopped it just one inch in front of me. I moved aside and kept walking. Then, he zoomed past me in his car literally 1 inch from me. All this to target and disturb me.

And many more incidents. For him it's fun, but for me it's torture.

Basically, he leaves no chance to insult and disturb me.

This frustration builds up within me and leaves me with very negative emotions.

The thing is, I am depressed and am suffering from some ailments. So I have very little emotional leverage and stability.

And college has helped me with this-

  1. College keeps me busy and diverts my mind to other things, at least for some time. 
  2. When I interact with other people my age, I feel a little better.

These little emotional leverages motivate me and help me follow my routine. They give me a sense of hope.

But this guy is ruining everything. I am at such a stage in my life where one bad event will disturb me for the entire day. And this guy has done that to me many times.

I want to put an end to all this bullcrap. But the problem is, I don't know what to do.

Here are usually the options which come to my mind-

1. Physical fight- Not a good option, he will beat me. He's not super jacked or something, he's just a normal guy. It's just that I am super skinny and weak, because of my ailments. I am not in a condition to fight anyone. Also it can lead to suspension, etc.

2. Verbal fight/comebacks- I have tried this with him a few times. He says something, I insult him back. But most of the times he says something even worse and shuts me up. He's like a pig, and to fight him I will have to come to his level. And I don't want that. And I certainly don't have the time, interest, or energy to keep coming up with creative insults for him.

3. Complaint- I could complain about him to my class teacher or the HOD. The problem is, I don't want others to have an image of me as a teacher-tattling small kid. Also, this guy is absolutely shameless. 2 kids actually had a situation with him last semester. And our class teacher scolded him in the class. But he didn't care much, he sat on his seat and starting fucking around again in a few days. And his current target is me.

Believe me, I am good at taking teases and such stuff. They are normal and fun during casual convos. But repeatedly directed hurtful insults I can't take. 

I guess the best way is through proper action against him. He sits and takes classes here, but his admission is in a different college. He paid money for this- management quota. I really want to send him back to that college. That will get rid of this problem once and for all. But I don't know how to do it.

So you guys tell me. What's the best course of action here? 

I've been bullied my entire life (doesn't happen anymore but I'll shed on what I mean from that).

I have been bullied from kindergarten to 10th grade. Then my freshman year in college, and then a guy tried to do it one time 2 years ago. 

My reaction was the same every time, I fought every single bully that I stood up too and got physical. I'm sorry to tell you this, Bullies do not disappear unless you stand up to them. Bullies are weak, only weak people pick on people are easy targets and that is what a Bully is. If you stand up to a Bully enough times they will stop messing with you, some will even become your friend.

Your bully does not respect you because you do not inspire fear in your bully.

Watch this Video by Jordan Peterson.

 


The same strength, the same level of desire it takes to change your life, is the same strength, the same level of desire it takes to end your life. Notice you are headed towards one or the other. - Razard86

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23 hours ago, Medhansh said:

(Didn't really know where to put this topic. Mods are welcome to shift it wherever they think is suitable).

 

I am attending my college and there's this one guy who's always picking on me for no reason whatsoever. He has been doing this on and off for the past 3 months now. Earlier when I used to sit right in front of him, he used to do it daily.

Then after a few days of constant insults and nuisance, I changed my seats to a different row to avoid him. And I changed my friend circle. 

But after a few days he started doing the same stuff once again- from far, whenever we crossed paths, etc. Thing is, I have a very weak personality because of my ailments and I am an easy target for guys like him. 

Few examples- 

1. He constantly insults me in front of other people. 

2. He indirectly targets my parents- on father's day he indirectly called himself my father, by asking me what will I get him as a gift. 

3. One time during a convo with our friends, he joked about my financial condition. He's from a rich business background, and I am from a middle-class background. He said- "Do you actually think he(refering to me) would have XX ruppees?"

4. Today when I was walking home from college, he reversed his car really fast and stopped it just one inch in front of me. I moved aside and kept walking. Then, he zoomed past me in his car literally 1 inch from me. All this to target and disturb me.

And many more incidents. For him it's fun, but for me it's torture.

Basically, he leaves no chance to insult and disturb me.

This frustration builds up within me and leaves me with very negative emotions.

The thing is, I am depressed and am suffering from some ailments. So I have very little emotional leverage and stability.

And college has helped me with this-

  1. College keeps me busy and diverts my mind to other things, at least for some time. 
  2. When I interact with other people my age, I feel a little better.

These little emotional leverages motivate me and help me follow my routine. They give me a sense of hope.

But this guy is ruining everything. I am at such a stage in my life where one bad event will disturb me for the entire day. And this guy has done that to me many times.

I want to put an end to all this bullcrap. But the problem is, I don't know what to do.

Here are usually the options which come to my mind-

1. Physical fight- Not a good option, he will beat me. He's not super jacked or something, he's just a normal guy. It's just that I am super skinny and weak, because of my ailments. I am not in a condition to fight anyone. Also it can lead to suspension, etc.

2. Verbal fight/comebacks- I have tried this with him a few times. He says something, I insult him back. But most of the times he says something even worse and shuts me up. He's like a pig, and to fight him I will have to come to his level. And I don't want that. And I certainly don't have the time, interest, or energy to keep coming up with creative insults for him.

3. Complaint- I could complain about him to my class teacher or the HOD. The problem is, I don't want others to have an image of me as a teacher-tattling small kid. Also, this guy is absolutely shameless. 2 kids actually had a situation with him last semester. And our class teacher scolded him in the class. But he didn't care much, he sat on his seat and starting fucking around again in a few days. And his current target is me.

Believe me, I am good at taking teases and such stuff. They are normal and fun during casual convos. But repeatedly directed hurtful insults I can't take. 

I guess the best way is through proper action against him. He sits and takes classes here, but his admission is in a different college. He paid money for this- management quota. I really want to send him back to that college. That will get rid of this problem once and for all. But I don't know how to do it.

So you guys tell me. What's the best course of action here? 

Get in touch with a harassment advisor at your college, tell them what has happened. No need to engage in stuff that is risky.

Every time he does something get back in touch with the advisor. Sooner or later they'll kick him out, unless he stops. 

If you need evidence, wear a recording device.


"Faith begins as an experiment and ends in an experience." - William Ralph Inge

"No parts left behind." - Janina Fisher

"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will rule your life and you will call it fate" - Carl Jung

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Just now, Ulax said:

Get in touch with a harassment advisor at your college, tell them what has happened. No need to engage in stuff that is risky.

Every time he does something get back in touch with the advisor. Sooner or later they'll kick him out, unless he stops. 

There is no harassment advisor in my college.

Just now, Ulax said:

If you need evidence, wear a recording device.

Yes, that's a good option. Thanks.

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Just now, Medhansh said:

There is no harassment advisor in my college.

Yes, that's a good option. Thanks.

Damn. Your college not have any welfare services, or complaints services?


"Faith begins as an experiment and ends in an experience." - William Ralph Inge

"No parts left behind." - Janina Fisher

"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will rule your life and you will call it fate" - Carl Jung

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2 minutes ago, Ulax said:

Damn. Your college not have any welfare services, or complaints services?

Not really. This is a small average college I am studying in. It doesn't have the facilities that top colleges have. The only people who you can complain to are the teachers.

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Look dude, I know the advice that appeals to you the most is the advice that avoids confrontation e.g. reporting him. But at some point you need to deal with the issue head on.

This will not be the only time you have to deal with bullies in your lifetime.

They're not going to kick him out of college for what he's done, so telling on him may actually make your situation worse.

 

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Posted (edited)

@Something Funny @something_else @Raze @Federico del pueblo @NoSelfSelf @somegirl @Yarco @TurquoiseAngel @puporing @Loba @Aleister Crowleyy @aurum @Razard86 @Ulax

Thank you guys for the diverse and great suggestions. I wanted to share with you what happened today in college between me and him. I will call him S, for avoiding confusion. 

I went early to my college, as I always do. Then I went to the staff room to find my Class Coordinator to complain to her about S. Unfortunately, she wasn't there. I didn't have the balls to just smash through into the HOD's room without checking in with my Class Coordinator. So I dropped the idea for that time. 

S hadn't interacted with me for the entire day. Fast forward to the last class. I was sitting 2 rows away from S, studying. Then began the drama-

1. He called me where he was sitting- "Hey, come here for 1 minute." I said no. Then he called me again, saying that it was just for 1 minute. Right from where I sat, I said- "Say the work." Actually, I said a Hindi version of this statement, which was a bit rude and showed absolute disinterest. He said that he needs me for the presentation (we are in the same group- our teacher made the groups). Well, I know that was absolute bullshit. Because he had already called me many times with the same excuse, and also we had cleared all the doubts about our presentation. Then I told him that everything is already clear about the presentation, and I kept sitting where I was. Then he said that R is calling me. R is S's friend who helps him to harass me. I said no. Then he said that K is calling me. K is a girl I like, and he said it right in front of her. I made a dismissive sound and shook my head negatively, meaning that I still wouldn't come near his seat. Then he said- "Your daughter is calling you, come here!" Here comes the fun part. I said- "Your mom is calling you, come here!" S's female friend, who was sitting next to him, started laughing when I said this. (This mom insult idea I got from Yarco). This shocked both him and his friend R. R started saying how I abused his mom and tried hyping him up for a fight with me. Then S said that he's missing me. I said,  "Come sit on my lap then." Many people started laughing. Remember that we were 2 rows apart and both of us were talking very loudly, right from where we sat. The entire class has 4 rows. This shook him and R again. Earlier I used to go to them within one or two attempts. But today they called me at least 6-8 times and I didn't budge. Basically, my frame was stronger than theirs. By then our maths teacher had arrived for the class. 

2. Our teacher was teaching a concept and I was trying hard to focus. Then he gave me a phone call. Usually, all students keep their phones on silent. But I keep it at medium volume because I don't want to miss important calls. He knows this, and that's why he and R have called me multiple times in the past. Whenever your phone rings in a silent class, the teacher as well as the students turn their attention towards you, and it's a slightly embarrassing situation. The first time he called me, I picked up his phone and said some mildly abusive words. He said something unclear and then cut the phone right in the middle when I was asking him to clarify. He got his satisfaction. The second time he called me was different though. I looked at him, and said, "What are you doing?"(This confronting him loudly idea I got from Yarco as well- love you buddy). I said this quite loudly and the teacher and the students turned towards me. Then I told the teacher, "Mam, he's calling me mid-class! Now you only decide what to do to him." She said nothing but he didn't call me another time. Then after a few minutes, he was talking to R. The teacher saw him and said, "What are you doing?! Calling someone mid-class, and now talking to your friend?! Get out of my class if you don't want to study." That meant my tactic had worked. 

3. When our maths class was ending, R said, "Come here for 1 minute". Again to get me near where they sat to tease/insult me. I said no. He said it's just for 1 minute. I said no. He again said that it's just for 1 minute. I said that I am going straight to my home. And I went out. They could not follow me because their attendance was still pending. 

4. When I was walking outside the college, right where S did the car stunt yesterday, he called me from behind. S and R were quite behind me. I was going with my classmates. S and R called me twice, but I didn't pay attention to their calls. I didn't even turn behind to see them. Then after a few seconds, S crossed me and my friends with his car, R sitting next to him. But today he didn't try any funny business with his car. He drove normally. I think it was because of the number of people I was with. Yesterday when he did the car stunt, it was just me and my friend- total 2 people. Today I was with 7 people. I think that because of the huge number of people he didn't try any such thing, because there's more risk involved in that kind of a situation. 

 

That's it guys. These were the 4 interactions me and him had today. Quite different, right? I think this method- standing up for myself by insulting him back and/or confronting him-will work well. But I don't really know how long will I be able to come up with such witty one-liners and insulting comebacks, etc. Today I was charged with the collective frustration of many weeks. I don't know if I can do this daily or not. But you don't really know unless you try, right?

I will try this approach for the next few days- one week approx. If I fail, or if the situation demands- I can always become the tattler by complaining to my teacher/HOD.  

I will keep updating this thread as I keep interacting with S on a daily basis. I will ask you guys for advice whenever something goes wrong. You can consider this as your daily dose of drama, lol. Love you guys. 

Edited by Medhansh

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1 hour ago, Medhansh said:

@Something Funny @something_else @Raze @Federico del pueblo @NoSelfSelf @somegirl @Yarco @TurquoiseAngel @puporing @Loba @Aleister Crowleyy @aurum @Razard86 @Ulax

Thank you guys for the diverse and great suggestions. I wanted to share with you what happened today in college between me and him. I will call him S, for avoiding confusion. 

I went early to my college, as I always do. Then I went to the staff room to find my Class Coordinator to complain to her about S. Unfortunately, she wasn't there. I didn't have the balls to just smash through into the HOD's room without checking in with my Class Coordinator. So I dropped the idea for that time. 

S hadn't interacted with me for the entire day. Fast forward to the last class. I was sitting 2 rows away from S, studying. Then began the drama-

1. He called me where he was sitting- "Hey, come here for 1 minute." I said no. Then he called me again, saying that it was just for 1 minute. Right from where I sat, I said- "Say the work." Actually, I said a Hindi version of this statement, which was a bit rude and showed absolute disinterest. He said that he needs me for the presentation (we are in the same group- our teacher made the groups). Well, I know that was absolute bullshit. Because he had already called me many times with the same excuse, and also we had cleared all the doubts about our presentation. Then I told him that everything is already clear about the presentation, and I kept sitting where I was. Then he said that R is calling me. R is S's friend who helps him to harass me. I said no. Then he said that K is calling me. K is a girl I like, and he said it right in front of her. I made a dismissive sound and shook my head negatively, meaning that I still wouldn't come near his seat. Then he said- "Your daughter is calling you, come here!" Here comes the fun part. I said- "Your mom is calling you, come here!" S's female friend, who was sitting next to him, started laughing when I said this.(This mom insult idea I got from Yarco) This shocked both him and his friend R. R started saying how I abused his mom and tried hyping him up for a fight with me. Then S said that he's missing me. I said,  "Come sit on my lap then." Many people started laughing. Remember that we were 2 rows apart and both of us were talking very loudly, right from where we sat. The entire class has 4 rows. This shook him and R again. Earlier I used to go to them within one or two attempts. But today they called me at least 6-8 times and I didn't budge. Basically, my frame was stronger than theirs. By then our maths teacher had arrived for the class. 

2. Our teacher was teaching a concept and I was trying hard to focus. Then he gave me a phone call. Usually, all students keep their phones on silent. But I keep it at medium volume because I don't want to miss important calls. He knows this, and that's why he and R have called me multiple times in the past. Whenever your phone rings in a silent class, the teacher as well as the students turn their attention towards you, and it's a slightly embarrassing situation. The first time he called me, I picked up his phone and said some mildly abusive words. He said something unclear and then cut the phone right in the middle when I was asking him to clarify. He got his satisfaction. The second time he called me was different though. I looked at him, and said, "What are you doing?"(This confronting him loudly idea I got from Yarco as well- love you buddy). I said this quite loudly and the teacher and the students turned towards me. Then I told the teacher, "Mam, he's calling me mid-class! Now you only decide what to do to him." She said nothing but he didn't call me another time. Then after a few minutes, he was talking to R. The teacher saw him and said, "What are you doing?! Calling someone mid-class, and now talking to your friend?! Get out of my class if you don't want to study." That meant my tactic had worked. 

3. When our maths class was ending, R said, "Come here for 1 minute". Again to get me near where they sat to tease/insult me. I said no. He said it's just for 1 minute. I said no. He again said that it's just for 1 minute. I said that I am going straight to my home. And I went out. They could not follow me because their attendance was still pending. 

4. When I was walking outside the college, right where S did the car stunt yesterday, he called me from behind. S and R were quite behind me. I was going with my classmates. S and R called me twice, but I didn't pay attention to their calls. I didn't even turn behind to see them. Then after a few seconds, S crossed me and my friends with his car, R sitting next to him. But today he didn't try any funny business with his car. He drove normally. I think it was because of the number of people I was with. Yesterday when he did the car stunt, it was just me and my friend- total 2 people. Today I was with 7 people. I think that because of the huge number of people he didn't try any such thing, because there's more risk involved in that kind of a situation. 

 

That's it guys. These were the 4 interactions me and him had today. Quite different, right? I think this method- standing up for myself by insulting him back and/or confronting him-will work well. But I don't really know how long will I be able to come up with such witty one-liners and insulting comebacks, etc. Today I was charged with the collective frustration of many weeks. I don't know if I can do this daily or not. But you don't really know unless you try, right?

I will try this approach for the next few days- one week approx. If I fail, or if the situation demands- I can always become the tattler by complaining to my teacher/HOD.  

I will keep updating this thread as I keep interacting with S on a daily basis. I will ask you guys for advice whenever something goes wrong. You can consider this as your daily dose of drama, lol. Love you guys. 

Yes dude! You crushed it!


"Faith begins as an experiment and ends in an experience." - William Ralph Inge

"No parts left behind." - Janina Fisher

"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will rule your life and you will call it fate" - Carl Jung

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2 hours ago, something_else said:

They're not going to kick him out of college for what he's done, so telling on him may actually make your situation worse.

 

*You believe they won't


"Faith begins as an experiment and ends in an experience." - William Ralph Inge

"No parts left behind." - Janina Fisher

"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will rule your life and you will call it fate" - Carl Jung

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