How to deal with bullies and assholes at college?

[Medhansh]

(Didn't really know where to put this topic. Mods are welcome to shift it wherever they think is suitable).

 

I am attending my college and there's this one guy who's always picking on me for no reason whatsoever. He has been doing this on and off for the past 3 months now. Earlier when I used to sit right in front of him, he used to do it daily.

Then after a few days of constant insults and nuisance, I changed my seats to a different row to avoid him. And I changed my friend circle. 

But after a few days he started doing the same stuff once again- from far, whenever we crossed paths, etc. Thing is, I have a very weak personality because of my ailments and I am an easy target for guys like him. 

Few examples- 

1. He constantly insults me in front of other people. 

2. He indirectly targets my parents- on father's day he indirectly called himself my father, by asking me what will I get him as a gift. 

3. One time during a convo with our friends, he joked about my financial condition. He's from a rich business background, and I am from a middle-class background. He said- "Do you actually think he(refering to me) would have XX ruppees?"

4. Today when I was walking home from college, he reversed his car really fast and stopped it just one inch in front of me. I moved aside and kept walking. Then, he zoomed past me in his car literally 1 inch from me. All this to target and disturb me.

And many more incidents. For him it's fun, but for me it's torture.

Basically, he leaves no chance to insult and disturb me.

This frustration builds up within me and leaves me with very negative emotions.

The thing is, I am depressed and am suffering from some ailments. So I have very little emotional leverage and stability.

And college has helped me with this-

1. College keeps me busy and diverts my mind to other things, at least for some time. 
2. When I interact with other people my age, I feel a little better.

These little emotional leverages motivate me and help me follow my routine. They give me a sense of hope.

But this guy is ruining everything. I am at such a stage in my life where one bad event will disturb me for the entire day. And this guy has done that to me many times.

I want to put an end to all this bullcrap. But the problem is, I don't know what to do.

Here are usually the options which come to my mind-

1. Physical fight- Not a good option, he will beat me. He's not super jacked or something, he's just a normal guy. It's just that I am super skinny and weak, because of my ailments. I am not in a condition to fight anyone. Also it can lead to suspension, etc.

2. Verbal fight/comebacks- I have tried this with him a few times. He says something, I insult him back. But most of the times he says something even worse and shuts me up. He's like a pig, and to fight him I will have to come to his level. And I don't want that. And I certainly don't have the time, interest, or energy to keep coming up with creative insults for him.

3. Complaint- I could complain about him to my class teacher or the HOD. The problem is, I don't want others to have an image of me as a teacher-tattling small kid. Also, this guy is absolutely shameless. 2 kids actually had a situation with him last semester. And our class teacher scolded him in the class. But he didn't care much, he sat on his seat and starting fucking around again in a few days. And his current target is me.

Believe me, I am good at taking teases and such stuff. They are normal and fun during casual convos. But repeatedly directed hurtful insults I can't take. 

I guess the best way is through proper action against him. He sits and takes classes here, but his admission is in a different college. He paid money for this- management quota. I really want to send him back to that college. That will get rid of this problem once and for all. But I don't know how to do it.

So you guys tell me. What's the best course of action here? 

Edited June 28 by Medhansh

[Something Funny]

@Medhansh maybe you should bully him back.

This might not be the most conscious thing ever, but I don't see any other effective solution to be honest. 

Also it could be fun and you could get really creative with it 

Here are some fun things that I came up with just now:

- Sit right next to him during the exam and in the middle of it stand up and say loudly to the teacher that he bullies you and forces you to help him with answers. While also trying to look very upset/scared/emotional/crying so it is believable. 

If he tries to get back at you later tell him something like: that's what you get for being a dick to people. And if he escalates the situation you can once again report it, but now you will have a previous situation to back up your claims.

- get some potato chips and add some super hot pepper powder on top of them (as hot as you can find). Then try provoke him into eating those during one of his bullying attempts (getting close to him and trying to look very scared/unconfident should do the trick). The key is to make sure that he is the one who asks you for the chips so that you don't get into any trouble later.

If successful - enjoy him lying on the floor in tears and throwing up. You can also laugh at him or say something like: "what, too spicy for you?". If there are people, then it's even better.

And if he doesn't it them, well then nothing happens and your only loss is about 10 dollars total. 

What's good about those is that they are totally legal and will probably not get you into any trouble with university stuff (unlike fighting him or slashing his car tires, etc.).

You could also make a video complaining about what this guy doing, maybe even provoke him and make him bully you on camera (unknowingly). And then get in touch with some influencers either local or those that are generally well known to make it viral and put pressure on college authorities to drop him out. 

 

You may even need to pay for it but imo it's worth it.

 

Once again sorry if it's too low consciousness for this place. But I just don't know any better effective ways to handle this situation. 

Edited June 28 by Something Funny

[something_else]

You need to stand up for yourself.

If he ever gets physical first, you take that opportunity to hit him.

If he pushes you, you punch him.

If he reverses his car into you, you take out your keys and scratch his car.

A lot of kids end up getting suspended when they’re bullied because they let all the anger build up and then they respond in a huge outburst that makes them actually look like the aggressor to staff, or they respond when the bully isn’t bullying them.

You always want to make your move right after he makes his move. Don’t premeditate or you look like the aggressor.

To avoid suspension you respond only as aggressively or slightly more aggressively than he is to you, and you only respond right after he does something to you.

Winning verbal altercations is hard if you’re not used to being in situations where you need to be witty fast, so your best best here is to be as unreactive as possible and ignore him, he is fuelled by your reaction.

Or you can go with really solid lines like telling him to grow the fuck up and stop acting like a child, delivered calmly and firmly.

It’s actually good to let yourself feel a bit of anger here. The situation you are in is the reason humans have anger as an emotion to begin with.

[Raze]

Just report him again 

[Federico del pueblo]

@Medhansh I already get angry just by reading this.

You really need some friends who can help you with this.

Don't you know anyone who's stronger than this guy and can join you for one day to then confront this guy?

This guy needs a lesson and unfortunately things like reason don't work with people like this.

I would still also talk to someone from your college (some teacher/professor), even if it's just so you get some support and are understood by someone.

Write down all the things he's done, with date etc.,

Don't worry to look like a "teacher-taddling kid". Bullies can't be accepted and any measure against them is good.

[NoSelfSelf]

Carry papper spray or some defense weapon so when he attacks you can defend yourself treat this like life or death situation which is! trauma can ruin your life if you dont plan to awaken or heal it for more than a decade!

 

[somegirl]

4 hours ago, Medhansh said:

Verbal fight/comebacks- I have tried this with him a few times. He says something, I insult him back. But most of the times he says something even worse and shuts me up. He's like a pig, and to fight him I will have to come to his level. And I don't want that. And I certainly don't have the time, interest, or energy to keep coming up with creative insults for him.

Well, you will have to learn good comebacks for his childish and shitty behavior.

You NEED to be assertive while standing up for yourself. Don't. Back. Down. 

Don't get shut down. Tell him "Oh my god, you're so boring, go find someone else to fuck with". Scold him. Surprise him by your straight forwardness and assertiveness. He will be shocked. Scare him a little bit. Show him the other side of your personality that gets activated when someone is being disrespectful towards you. He deserves to see it.

4 hours ago, Medhansh said:

Complaint- I could complain about him to my class teacher or the HOD.

Um... Didn't you say you were in college? In college there are no teachers or kids. Lol

Only professors and college students.

[Yarco]

The best way to deal with bullies is to prevent it before it starts. Make yourself look unattractive as a victim, so they're likely to go for someone weaker instead.

Unfortunately I don't know much on how to actively do this, it just comes naturally to me. In school there was a new kid who was a legit bully, and at first was scared of me and my friends because he thought we were the bullies of the school, only to find out we were actually nerds .

I think a lot of the stuff that would apply to how to look/act when walking through bad neighborhoods would also apply to avoiding bullies in other settings. Mostly, have resting bitch face, and walk with a purpose and like you belong there.

Even wild animals know to hide their weakness. If they are sick and injured, they'll do everything they can to hide it. If you're a deer and a tiger can sense that you have a lame leg, you're fucked and they will always single you out of the pack.

...... So far that's mostly advice for preventing future bullying. In your current situation it's too late to make these changes, once the bully has his sights set on you.

You have to break the cycle.

You've taken abuse enough times that he thinks he will always be able to get away with it now. You need to shock and scare him out of bullying you with something big.

I've never been to prison, but I like to study the sociology of prison because it's like a more extreme version of everyday life. If someone insults or pushes you when you're new to prison (new people will almost always be tested), you have to fight or you'll get labelled as a bitch and picked on for the rest of your days there. Even if you lose, being willing to stand up for your honor will get you respect.

Next time you get picked on is your chance to stand up for yourself and break the cycle. The more you can make yourself look like an absolutely unhinged lunatic, the better. Pretend that you're trying to scare away a bear. Make yourself as big and loud as possible. He might realize you've grown a backbone and it's not worth it to pick on you any more.

EG. 
- If he's sitting behind you and poking you, quickly turn around and flip his desk over onto the floor and shout something at the top of your lungs like "IM TIRED OF TAKING YOUR ABUSE. STOP TOUCHING ME. ARE YOU GOING TO STOP OR ARE WE GOING TO HAVE A PROBLEM?" (ideally your teacher isn't in the class yet. but even if they are and you risk getting kicked out for one lesson to do this, it'd be even more badass and might be worth it.)

- If he reverses his car to within an inch of you, try not to flinch. Start punching/kicking his car or try to kick his tail light out.

- If he starts talking about your parents, the go-to should be a joke about having sex with his mom. You have to think pretty quick on your feet to make it not lame. Like when he was asking about his father's day gift, you could say that you left it at his house when you were done fucking his mom last night. If you always default to fucking his mom, then you only have to fill in the other half of the insult with details.

WARNING: Standing up for yourself in any way could result in getting your ass kicked. 75% of bullies are cowards and when you confront them (especially in an unhinged way) they'll back down and find a new victim. But 25% will go all-in and beat you up. But even getting beat up would likely help you long-term. If you get even 1 weak punch on him every time he beats you up, it might take a few times, but eventually you become more trouble than you're worth.

Complaints can be effective but they only work within school walls. If you complain to your teacher you're safe in class, but maybe not even in the halls. Definitely not out in the street afterward.

If you want a better way to tattle, you could try raising your hand and telling on him in front of the whole class. But the way you do it, is like giving the teacher an ultimatum. "X is bullying me. Can you tell him to stop, or else I'm going to have to deal with it myself":

1. This might publicly shame him into stopping. Although your bully sounds pretty shameless. Also if any kids laugh at you when you say this, it actually gives your bully more power and encourages him more.
2. The teacher might actually stop it, at least for a few days and then you repeat it again.
3. If he doesn't stop and the teacher can't get him to stop, then you resort to flipping over tables and yelling at him at the top of your lungs. Both the teacher and the bully have been put on notice and given warning that you were going to follow through and take actions if the bullying didn't stop. The teacher is more likely to sympathize and take your side and not punish you for the outburst this way. If it becomes a physical fight, the bully will probably get suspended and you'll only get a warning.

When you go beast mode, it's important not to turn around and sit back down too fast. Look him in the eyes when you shout at him and keep looking at him after without breaking your gaze. He will probably just stare at you for a bit (either shocked/dumbfounded, or just trying to look tough and unimpressed). If he's silent and doesn't react for more than a few seconds, keep the intimidation up. Keep yelling "WELL ARE YOU GOING TO STOP OR WHAT?", if you can hit stuff while you talk even better. If you can get him to verbally agree to stop then you've basically earned his respect and you're golden.

ALTERNATIVE PASSIVE APPROACH:

Do nothing and take it. If you're too afraid to do any of the stuff above, you can just keep taking the abuse, as long as it doesn't get so bad that you don't want to put up with it any more. You're only in the same classes as him for a set amount of time and eventually all of this will end.

If you are completely avoidant then you minimize the risk of getting beat up, but also give up the chances of things getting better. I've taken the "grin and bear it" approach when I knew there was an end date.

[TurquoiseAngel]

I am really sorry you are going through this.

Remember that bullies are deeply dysfunctional,  miserable people. Whatever front he is trying to portray is fake. Happy people don't go around making other people unhappy on purpose. Maybe you could find what his weaknesses are and play it against him?

How about keeping a log like diary of occurrences and also gathering  witnesses. I don't know what help you can get with your college or police etc but I believe you could benefit from learning assertiveness. Martial art classes will give you confidence even if you don't ever need to use the skills for real and you may end up making some friends who can be on your corner.

[Medhansh]

8 hours ago, Something Funny said:

@Medhansh maybe even provoke him and make him bully you on camera (unknowingly). 

Thanks bro. Good idea

 

[Medhansh]

7 hours ago, something_else said:

Winning verbal altercations is hard if you’re not used to being in situations where you need to be witty fast, so your best best here is to be as unreactive as possible and ignore him, he is fuelled by your reaction.

Yes, exactly the problem. I don't have the necessary skills to win these verbal fights.

7 hours ago, something_else said:

Or you can go with really solid lines like telling him to grow the fuck up and stop acting like a child, delivered calmly and firmly.

That's very difficult for me to do right now. But I think it's a good idea, worth a shot.

7 hours ago, something_else said:

It’s actually good to let yourself feel a bit of anger here. The situation you are in is the reason humans have anger as an emotion to begin with.

Yeah, I feel very angry. I wanna beat him up badly.

[Medhansh]

7 hours ago, Raze said:

Just report him again 

Well, yeah. But I will have to do it in such a way that it causes him to get suspended/rusticated from the college, not just another 15 minute scolding from our teacher.

[Medhansh]

10 hours ago, Federico del pueblo said:

@Medhansh 

Don't you know anyone who's stronger than this guy and can join you for one day to then confront this guy?

Unfortunately, no.

Quote

This guy needs a lesson and unfortunately things like reason don't work with people like this.

Exactly

Quote

Write down all the things he's done, with date etc.,

Did that yesterday on my phone. If I ever have to report him to a teacher, it's better to have a list of all his stunts in my hands.

Quote

Don't worry to look like a "teacher-taddling kid". Bullies can't be accepted and any measure against them is good.

I am seriously considering throwing away this notion and just complaining. Just have to make sure this time some action is actually taken against him.

Edited June 29 by Medhansh

[Medhansh]

6 hours ago, NoSelfSelf said:

Carry papper spray or some defense weapon so when he attacks you can defend yourself treat this like life or death situation which is!

He's never been physically abusive. Only verbal insults and nuisance. Maybe some water-spraying at me could count as mild physical action. The car stunt was the first time he got physical, and that's why I decided to make this post to seek help.

Quote

trauma can ruin your life if you dont plan to awaken or heal it for more than a decade!

 

Oh yes, didn't think of it this way. Yesterday night I had disturbed sleep and weird dreams because of this incident. Fuck it, I am gonna do something about it. I will not let this asshole ruin a decade of my life.

Edited June 29 by Medhansh

[puporing]

 

[Medhansh]

4 hours ago, somegirl said:

Well, you will have to learn good comebacks for his childish and shitty behavior.

You NEED to be assertive while standing up for yourself. Don't. Back. Down. 

Don't get shut down. Tell him "Oh my god, you're so boring, go find someone else to fuck with". Scold him. Surprise him by your straight forwardness and assertiveness. He will be shocked. Scare him a little bit. Show him the other side of your personality that gets activated when someone is being disrespectful towards you. He deserves to see it.

I did that a few times. When he cracked that father's day joke, I told him that I am his father and I want him to gift me an apple watch for father's day. Then he said something about my phone being cheap, and how an apple watch won't go well with it. Some minor insult. After a few minutes, he opened amazon and asked me which apple watch do I want? I was too stunned to speak. Although I think he would never buy me such a thing, and I would never accept it also. But he's rich, so you never know.

Anyways, most of the time he gets me back even worse. He's very skilled at verbal insults, comebacks, and frame control. Like really good. And I am really bad at all these. That's why he chooses me.

4 hours ago, somegirl said:

Um... Didn't you say you were in college? In college there are no teachers or kids. Lol

Only professors and college students.

By kids I meant college students.

By teachers I meant professors.

Actually there are only 2 legit professors in our college, one of whom is the HOD. Rest all are assistant professor/associate professor. 

[Medhansh]

7 hours ago, Yarco said:

You have to break the cycle.

You've taken abuse enough times that he thinks he will always be able to get away with it now. You need to shock and scare him out of bullying you with something big.

Yeah. He has become habituated to abusing me. 

Quote

Next time you get picked on is your chance to stand up for yourself and break the cycle. The more you can make yourself look like an absolutely unhinged lunatic, the better. Pretend that you're trying to scare away a bear. Make yourself as big and loud as possible. He might realize you've grown a backbone and it's not worth it to pick on you any more.

EG. 
- If he's sitting behind you and poking you, quickly turn around and flip his desk over onto the floor and shout something at the top of your lungs like "IM TIRED OF TAKING YOUR ABUSE. STOP TOUCHING ME. ARE YOU GOING TO STOP OR ARE WE GOING TO HAVE A PROBLEM?" (ideally your teacher isn't in the class yet. but even if they are and you risk getting kicked out for one lesson to do this, it'd be even more badass and might be worth it.)

Yeah, good idea.

Quote

- If he reverses his car to within an inch of you, try not to flinch. Start punching/kicking his car or try to kick his tail light out.

I actually slapped the back of his car really hard. And then when he opened the windows, I leaned inside and pressed the horn really long(there was a police station nearby). But he started the car with a jerk twice, causing me to lose balance. I didn't fall, but I had to get out of the car's window. Basically he got me once again. I have to get creative with this stuff, because he's really skilled at this shit.

Quote

- If he starts talking about your parents, the go-to should be a joke about having sex with his mom. You have to think pretty quick on your feet to make it not lame. Like when he was asking about his father's day gift, you could say that you left it at his house when you were done fucking his mom last night. If you always default to fucking his mom, then you only have to fill in the other half of the insult with details.

Haha, I actually did something similar to that(pls read my reply to somegirl). 

But here's the problem - he's absolutely shameless. Even if I abuse his parents, he doesn't take it as an insult. For him it's normal. As I told, he's like a pig. He likes to play in dirt and drag people like me along with him into it. 

Quote

WARNING: Standing up for yourself in any way could result in getting your ass kicked. 75% of bullies are cowards and when you confront them (especially in an unhinged way) they'll back down and find a new victim. But 25% will go all-in and beat you up. But even getting beat up would likely help you long-term. If you get even 1 weak punch on him every time he beats you up, it might take a few times, but eventually you become more trouble than you're worth.

Yes, I fear action from college authorities. He hasn't abused me physically till now, and I don't think he will do it in the future as well. It's not really his forte. He likes verbally insulting and disturbing type of bullying.

Quote

Complaints can be effective but they only work within school walls. If you complain to your teacher you're safe in class, but maybe not even in the halls. Definitely not out in the street afterward.

Yeah, that's an issue. Although outside our college both of us never meet. We live very far away. This car stunt was done right in front of the college gate. So I don't really have to fear him outside, as we never meet.

Quote

If you want a better way to tattle, you could try raising your hand and telling on him in front of the whole class. But the way you do it, is like giving the teacher an ultimatum. "X is bullying me. Can you tell him to stop, or else I'm going to have to deal with it myself":

1. This might publicly shame him into stopping. Although your bully sounds pretty shameless. Also if any kids laugh at you when you say this, it actually gives your bully more power and encourages him more.
2. The teacher might actually stop it, at least for a few days and then you repeat it again.
3. If he doesn't stop and the teacher can't get him to stop, then you resort to flipping over tables and yelling at him at the top of your lungs. Both the teacher and the bully have been put on notice and given warning that you were going to follow through and take actions if the bullying didn't stop. The teacher is more likely to sympathize and take your side and not punish you for the outburst this way. If it becomes a physical fight, the bully will probably get suspended and you'll only get a warning.

When you go beast mode, it's important not to turn around and sit back down too fast. Look him in the eyes when you shout at him and keep looking at him after without breaking your gaze. He will probably just stare at you for a bit (either shocked/dumbfounded, or just trying to look tough and unimpressed). If he's silent and doesn't react for more than a few seconds, keep the intimidation up. Keep yelling "WELL ARE YOU GOING TO STOP OR WHAT?", if you can hit stuff while you talk even better. If you can get him to verbally agree to stop then you've basically earned his respect and you're golden.

I did give him a proper warning to report him to the teacher and HOD. But one of my old friends started saying that this isn't a school, and he spread this thing to all my old friends. 

Not that I care about this shit, most of my old friends aren't very good as well. But I do care about the rest of the class. But I will definitely resort to tattling, if that's the only option left.

Quote

ALTERNATIVE PASSIVE APPROACH:

Do nothing and take it. If you're too afraid to do any of the stuff above, you can just keep taking the abuse, as long as it doesn't get so bad that you don't want to put up with it any more. You're only in the same classes as him for a set amount of time and eventually all of this will end.

If you are completely avoidant then you minimize the risk of getting beat up, but also give up the chances of things getting better. I've taken the "grin and bear it" approach when I knew there was an end date.

No, not going to work with me. I can't bear 2 more years of this guy. Getting beat up is not a risk, he won't do that. Mostly verbal stuff. That's why I have an advantage to be less fearful towards this guy. I am not actually scared of this guy much. I can say virtually anything I want to this guy's face, and I have said in many instances. It's just that he's a shameless pig and I am tired of the bullshit that he throws at me daily.

Edited June 29 by Medhansh

[Medhansh]

4 hours ago, TurquoiseAngel said:

Maybe you could find what his weaknesses are and play it against him?

I haven't found any major weakness of him till now. He's rich and healthy. He's also very dumb at academics, but then again, he doesn't care. 

I found that being unreactive helps a little, but I can't do it. I simply lack the patience to become like an unreactive turtle.

[Medhansh]

31 minutes ago, puporing said:

 

Really love this video. Thank you!

[Loba]

Awww!  I wish I could give you some really good advice, all I have is empathy.  I used to get bullied a lot in elementary and middle school and I feel it when other people get bullied like this and I am so sorry this is happening to you.  You're just there to learn and some jerk is taking out his nonsense on you.  You do not deserve that, and I hope everything works out in your favour.  Bullying is not okay!  *big hug*