Anon212

I Stopped People Pleasing And My Relationships Are Falling Apart

16 posts in this topic

It's been a crazy few months for me in terms of trauma work and growth but there are things happening that are making me second guess the authenticity and quality of the work I'm doing.

Long story short, I can came across a book called No More Mr.Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover and it shook me to my core as he described my childhood traumas in depth. He also described the way I am as a result of these traumas. A lack of sex, mediocre career progression, attracting women with low libidos and lots of trauma, attracting narcissists and so on. All of it was frighteningly true. 

Anyways, I started to take his advice, bought his course and started taking action. I got into assertive training, did masculine energy meditations and most importantly started to prioritize myself in my life. I started responding to the people around me less but I wasn't cold or distant. I started focusing on making money for myself, mediating more, going to the gym more, eating healthy, reading books, and so on. While I started to do this I had less time for those around me and especially less time to "please" them. Regardless, I still stayed in touch, listened to their problems (anything and everything a nice guy would do) but to a much lesser extent.

Over a few weeks, this started to cause a lot of conflict in my relationships. Two of my friends reached out to me and said that I am extremely selfish, neglectful, not making myself available and just an overall asshole. My gf started saying the same. I kindly said that I am focusing on my own life and that I owe nobody anything. The thing here is that all I did was spend less time with them overall as my attention was on myself now. Anyways, it has spiralled and gotten much worse. These people appear to be very pissed off that I am not as available as I used to be. But this is where I feel a bit guilty. Maybe I have taken it too far? Should I make myself more available again? The only alternative is to cut this group of people out of my life and move on.

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Relationships based on people pleasing and ass kissing are fake anyway. 


INFJ-T,ptsd,BPD, autism, anger issues

Cleared out ignore list today. 

..

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1 hour ago, Anon212 said:

It's been a crazy few months for me in terms of trauma work and growth but there are things happening that are making me second guess the authenticity and quality of the work I'm doing.

Long story short, I can came across a book called No More Mr.Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover and it shook me to my core as he described my childhood traumas in depth. He also described the way I am as a result of these traumas. A lack of sex, mediocre career progression, attracting women with low libidos and lots of trauma, attracting narcissists and so on. All of it was frighteningly true. 

Anyways, I started to take his advice, bought his course and started taking action. I got into assertive training, did masculine energy meditations and most importantly started to prioritize myself in my life. I started responding to the people around me less but I wasn't cold or distant. I started focusing on making money for myself, mediating more, going to the gym more, eating healthy, reading books, and so on. While I started to do this I had less time for those around me and especially less time to "please" them. Regardless, I still stayed in touch, listened to their problems (anything and everything a nice guy would do) but to a much lesser extent.

Over a few weeks, this started to cause a lot of conflict in my relationships. Two of my friends reached out to me and said that I am extremely selfish, neglectful, not making myself available and just an overall asshole. My gf started saying the same. I kindly said that I am focusing on my own life and that I owe nobody anything. The thing here is that all I did was spend less time with them overall as my attention was on myself now. Anyways, it has spiralled and gotten much worse. These people appear to be very pissed off that I am not as available as I used to be. But this is where I feel a bit guilty. Maybe I have taken it too far? Should I make myself more available again? The only alternative is to cut this group of people out of my life and move on.

Here's what you do:

Raise your arm up in front of you

Open your hand, so your palm is facing them

Shake your hand side-to-side like a windscreen wiper

And say, 'Adios ex-amigos'


A Hero Could Be Anyone

"Faith begins as an experiment and ends in an experience" - William Ralphe Inge

No parts left behind

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Posted (edited)

It's not a bug, it's a feature. When you let people treat you like a doormat for years, they develop specific expectations for you. Suddenly in contrast, standing up for yourself seems like a very selfish thing to do, when they're used to you bending over backwards for them and dropping everything whenever they need you.

It's very hard to break free of that and create a new frame of reference.

If you're familiar with the Youtuber MrGirl, he describes going through something similar and losing most of his friends and family as well.

It's painful in the short term, but in the long run it's better to replace them with people who will accept you for who you genuinely are, instead of having to capitulate to guilting and shaming when you don't do what someone wants. Like you said, you're still doing all the reasonable things a nice guy would do. You aren't being an asshole. Or you can go back to being a doormat if you just want to do what's easy and comfortable.

Congrats on your personal growth. Cool testimonial for the book, now I'm going to check it out.

Edited by Yarco

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2 hours ago, Anon212 said:

These people appear to be very pissed off that I am not as available as I used to be.

Yes. That's how change works.

See, you built these relationships while being a people-pleaser. You got something (eg. approval) out of these relationships, but they got something too (having a lot of attention from you, approval, etc.) Now that they are starting to lose it, they are pissed off at you.

Be strong. Touch shit they're pissed off. Soon you will have authentic relationships (maybe with other people than them?) that don't require you to be a people pleaser. Either they get used to it or they fuck off. 

2 hours ago, Anon212 said:

Maybe I have taken it too far? Should I make myself more available again?

You have not taken it too far. You've done a great job, keep at it. Don't let them bring you down.

Care about your close ones. But do that from an authentic position. And btw, they aren't really friends if they don't appreciate your growth into a greater being.


You don't have to like everyone. You just have to love them.

This account is no longer active. New account is @Sincerity

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Posted (edited)

The pendulum over swung to the opposite direction. After spending enough time there you'll move back to a more center balanced position between masculine and feminine energies. Right now it sounds like your being overly assertive and not giving an inch of room for anything other then your single minded focus on your future. This is good depending on your age and to get your life off the ground. 

After that calms down the middle ground is someone who can support others and themselves, the mature person.

Edited by integral

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Talk to a therapist

You may have surrounded yourself with people who like to use you 

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This is very easy to answer and explain.

What has happened in your case was to be expected. As you work on yourself and work on your self-esteem and respect, not all of your "friends" will be happy about it, as they cannot use you like they used to.

When you show some teeth and focus on your own happiness, people who are used to you always saying "yes" will be confused and even mad. Those are not your friends. They loved you for as long as you could give them what they want.

Though, at the same time, you have to do this in moderation. You shouldn't always be "unavailable" and selfishly "focusing on yourself". Part of being in a friendship is that you nurish it. So there has to be a balance. Being too selfish and not caring to help your friends in need sometimes is not good either. Find a balance.

 

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10 hours ago, Anon212 said:

But this is where I feel a bit guilty. Maybe I have taken it too far? Should I make myself more available again? The only alternative is to cut this group of people out of my life and move on.

It doesn’t sound to me like you’ve taken it too far. But even if you did, that doesn’t mean you’ve made a mistake.

Taking it too far is part of the healing process. That’s how you find your balance.

As other users have said, changing yourself upsets previous relationship dynamics.

Consider facing their disapproval as part of your assertiveness training.

If you can’t be assertive when people aren’t happy about it, your assertiveness doesn’t mean much.


Offerings: akourakin.com

 

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18 hours ago, Anon212 said:

It's been a crazy few months for me in terms of trauma work and growth but there are things happening that are making me second guess the authenticity and quality of the work I'm doing.

Long story short, I can came across a book called No More Mr.Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover and it shook me to my core as he described my childhood traumas in depth. He also described the way I am as a result of these traumas. A lack of sex, mediocre career progression, attracting women with low libidos and lots of trauma, attracting narcissists and so on. All of it was frighteningly true. 

Anyways, I started to take his advice, bought his course and started taking action. I got into assertive training, did masculine energy meditations and most importantly started to prioritize myself in my life. I started responding to the people around me less but I wasn't cold or distant. I started focusing on making money for myself, mediating more, going to the gym more, eating healthy, reading books, and so on. While I started to do this I had less time for those around me and especially less time to "please" them. Regardless, I still stayed in touch, listened to their problems (anything and everything a nice guy would do) but to a much lesser extent.

Over a few weeks, this started to cause a lot of conflict in my relationships. Two of my friends reached out to me and said that I am extremely selfish, neglectful, not making myself available and just an overall asshole. My gf started saying the same. I kindly said that I am focusing on my own life and that I owe nobody anything. The thing here is that all I did was spend less time with them overall as my attention was on myself now. Anyways, it has spiralled and gotten much worse. These people appear to be very pissed off that I am not as available as I used to be. But this is where I feel a bit guilty. Maybe I have taken it too far? Should I make myself more available again? The only alternative is to cut this group of people out of my life and move on.

I am going thourgh something similar right now. I had to let go my absolute best friend becuase he was toxic and projected onto me what he was not.

My friend helped to push me, and when I pressed the call button on my phone, I experienced my first awakening to my higher self and that all I ever wanted to be was myself. You don't owe anyone anything man! All you can do is be yourself. Some people will hate you for it and not understand why you are doing it and for some it will seem like betrayal.. but don't break down. You choose what you stand for, you choose your sacrifice. Either you sacrifice them, or you sacrifice yourself. Devot yourself to yourself.


"Sometimes when it's dark - we have to be the light in our own tunnel"

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21 hours ago, Anon212 said:

I kindly said that I am focusing on my own life and that I owe nobody anything. 

Nice

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Posted (edited)

19 hours ago, Anon212 said:

 But this is where I feel a bit guilty. Maybe I have taken it too far? Should I make myself more available again? The only alternative is to cut this group of people out of my life and move on.

There's no real problem here. You're growing, and other people are resisting you, like humans do. No need to demonise "them" 
If you notice. You're limiting yourself to 2 options. Either/Or. More available/cut off.
When you are stuck in thoughts of a binary decision, you are ALWAYS in mind, in ego. Go further. 

It's not them you're resisting. it's your own feelings of guilt. Which is why you found yourself being people pleasing in the first place. To not FEEL guilty. 
Next time you're triggered into feeling guilty. Instead of working out how to change other people's experience, and control them, so they don't MAKE you feel guilty, embrace the guilt instead. It will "pop" and dissolve, if you stay with it long enough. 
It's you, fighting with you. Their resistance is in fact a gift. Good practice for what you're learning. It will force you to integrate it more, and know yourself more. 
Just turn inwards, towards the guilt. All feelings are just energy moving through, and just want to complete themselves. It's simple. Not so easy to put into practice. Not many can actually find the courage to do it. But you got this far. You gonna be fine. 

Edited by Dear Fiona
added thought.

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I think the interpretations of your friends here are a little harsh.

I think the most accurate explanation is that, generally, people you know do not like it when you change

Change in yourself is threatening, change in others in ‘your tribe’ can also be threatening and so people tend to react badly to it

The solution is still probably to distance yourself from these people, but don’t demonise them

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