School & Conginitve testing institutions haunting me years later

[MarkKol]

Today I felt like letting all of this out 

I'm usually never depressed, in fact I beat depression years ago and haven't felt that bad ever since, normal things like woman, death of loved ones and addiction don't usually effect me as much as they do others. As a kid I didn't give two f*cks about my congnitive abilities and over all function, but now I do. I drown my self in sadness, guilt and shame when I make a mistake, especially if it's a mistake I recently made twice or more times. I Hate being dumb and I look up to characters and people who are extremely smart. I love watching FBI investigations and their insane deductions. I find it hard to be confident in my knowledge and facts even when they are extremely obvious things that I can clearly remember. If I saw a red car outside of my house and you come in asking "hey who's yellow car is that" you'd make me question my existence no problem. 

It gets even worse when others notice my stupidity and call me up on it. In school I was viewed as the stupidest kid, which is probably what caused my insecurity in the first place, and I wasn't just dumb socially I was dumb on paper, I'd have easier tests than others because my teachers tought that I wasn't as capable as others, I also remember my mom taking me to various speech and conginitve testing institutions as kid, you know those IQ tests that peope usually do online for fun? Yeah I had to do those... but not for fun... it would literally be stuff like... "okay Marko can you build a pyramid shape out of these blocks?" And I'd just look at the examiner with perplexion thinking- "wow... that's what she asked me? they actually think that I'm this stupid" 

 

I don't know how and where people get tested for autism, but I'd like to try.

In those testing intuitions I was sitting next to obviously disabled children. I never thought about it much, but now as an adult it's coming back to me.

I want better memory, better attention, better concentration/focus, more mastery of a specific field to the level where I can lecture others, more money (although not a priority just a basic survival need), and most importantly more creativity, independence and a happier life than everyone else.

Of course I'm only stupid compared to other people, I'm smarter than a monkey and that's probably why I'll have a better life than a monkey, I want to have a better life than most humans as well.

 

People like Jordan Peterson claiming that IQ is strongly related to success and jobs really aren't helping, but I guess he's speaking the truth. Even though it's painfull for me to admit it. It's the fucking academics man, they want me dead.

 

 

 

If I can just be 10x more creative than everyone else, I wouldn't mind being dumber (as much). When I think "genius" I think "creativity" not "IQ" although it's hard to measure creativity and it's hard to realize when you're actually being creative. From my experience most creative people are crazy, I don't listen to his music but kanye west is a good example.

Its a silly goal but if you've seen death note (the series) you'd know of characters L, Light and Near. That's how smart I want to be ? top notch FBI investigator level smart.

I usually write stuff like this all the time and delete it without posting because I don't see a point in asking or admitting something like this, but I'll force myself to post this one. Whatever becomes of this thread, it doesnt matter. All I know is that... I think I'm dumb and I want to be smarter. Fourtenetly I'm not ashamed of asking people questions and seeking help, I guess thats something.

 

Sorry for the typos. I won't be reviewing this as I usually do, it's making me feel sick. 

 

EDIT: I feel better after writing this, made me take my mind off things 

 

Edited June 4, 2022 by MarkKol

[Reciprocality]

@MarkKol Being human and stupid is almost an oxymoron, it is actually because of you not understanding how you and others are different that it is absurd to compare yourself to them, you will not be able to understand this, nobody are, therefore do not compare yourself to "them".

Instead, try looking around you, how many patterns do you see? If something repeats itself in space or time then it is a pattern, it is impossible for you to have written this text above and not see more such patterns than you can compute, intelligence is magnitudes beyond computation, everyone who ever did something important used their spare time computing the patterns they saw, if they were self obsessed about how hard this task were they would never be able to contribute so monstrously as they did.

 

You are simply not that important, but the patterns you stand the chance of seeing are immortal, eternal or absolute, the deeper you see them the more original you will become in relation to them, if you care about being smarter then you have to take the unintuitive leap of faith and stop including the "you" in that equation.