She slept with Ex during before we assume exclusivity

[TheSamir]

Hello Comunity,

I would like to hear from you all your advice on a topic that is really upsetting me at the moment.

After breaking up my previous relationship I've been single for 2 years. Going out and occasionally hooking up. 

Recently I've been dating a girl for 2/3 months and I was only seeing where we would go. We kissed, we went to my place and after the 5th date we get involved sexually for two consecutive weekends. The first time we had sex she asked me what was this all about, to which I said "Well I really like you but I don't know yet".

I was reaching her to meet once a week to follow up with some advice I heard of "keep the girl wondering" or not being "needy", so I was not assuming a relationship even though I was interested.

After we had sex these two weekends, the following weeks she would go out to dinner with me but tell me she had to get home soon, etc, canceled a date, and was avoiding coming home with me (avoiding sex).

So recently we talked quite a bit and I had a talk with her telling her that I really liked her and wanted her to be my girlfriend, to wich she said "Really?". She was very surprised and happy at the same time and said Yes.

2 days after that we had a very open and deep talk in which she told me that before she always thought I only wanted sex and that I was probably seeing other girls.

She told me that during those three or four weeks after we had sex, her EX contacted her saying he wanted her back and it seems they had sex. She told me this and cried saying that she didn't know I felt this way about her and this with the ex was a getting back together attempt.

So, after I wasked her to be my girlfriend, she seems to be all in with me and wants to block contact with the Ex.

 

I feel it was a bit my fault for not assuming exclusivity sooner, but I feel heart broken, I was not seeing other girls (even though I could) and she slept with her ex. I know we were not exclusive back then but at the same time, I feel really bad about it and I don't know if I can trust her.

 

Please any opinions are very much appreciated!

[TheSamir]

@Leo Gura Your comment would be really appreciated. Thanks

[Preety_India]

I don't think you have much room to complain about her sleeping with someone when you weren't clear with her. 

Is a girl supposed to wait 2 billion years before you get over your commitment phobia or before you make up your mind she is your girl? 

When a guy acts too entitled, they get their karma. 

 

[Roy]

After you have sex with a girl and you keep seeing them for multiple weeks, you're basically entering a relationship (especially from their POV). Women get bonded from sex a lot easier than guys do. Whether or not you call each other "boyfriend/girlfriend" is a discussion you have in the future, but for all intents and purposes you are.

If you JUST want sex from a girl that needs to be abundantly clear to both of you early on, or the circumstances need to obviously point to it, like one of you is travelling and don't live there, or coming together home from a club.

You should work on knowing if you want some form of relationship after a few dates, either before having sex or at least knowing if you want to continue things after the first time.

You basically strung her along and then she ended up doing the thing she thought you were doing, and now you're hurting.

So yea, don't do that.

 

[TheSamir]

@Roy and @Preety_India thanks for your comments. So from your perspective, this was somewhat my doing for not making clear what I really wanted? (Of course, I wanted a relationship but it's true I was acting otherwise)

[Raptorsin7]

@TheSamir I think she did nothing wrong because you never asked or displayed behavior that would indicate an exclusive relationship.

She was probably unsure about you and so seeked some security and familiarity with an ex. 

It's up to you to make decisions you're happy with, and we can't tell you how to feel, but objectively she didn't betray any kind of trust, or indicate that she wouldn't be faithful because you were never clear.

[Roy]

Yes you need to be more decisive, and avoid confusing or hurting other people.

[egoeimai]

Its okay to not be sure from the beginning

You have to get to know each other and then you tell her 

Can't be otherwise 

[TheSamir]

Thanks, guys. Feedback is very appreciated.

@Raptorsin7  What you say makes sense to me, thanks

[Leo Gura]

Don't worry about it. Just make her your GF and enjoy life. She did nothing wrong and it won't deminish your relationship since you weren't exclusive yet.

Don't psych yourself out over this. It's not a big deal.

[Hello from Russia]

Let this one slide, bro

[UnbornTao]

"We were on a break!"

Seriously though, you could have set your intention sooner and communicated it to her before what happened, if that's what you wanted in the first place.

Edited June 3, 2022 by UnbornTao

[TheSamir]

@Leo Gura Thank you! And thank you all!