Take The Reins, Damnit!

[Bubba66]

Hello all, I would like to share an idea that may or may not already be a thread on this forum. It has grown so huge since Leo started it a little over a year ago, and to be honest I don't really feel like doing a ton of searching to see if anyone else has had this thought or not. 

Anyways, here's whats up. I am in college. I am naive and young, and have a whole lot of experience to be gained yet. But one thing I have just figured out is how to take the reins back from a stagecoach driver called Fear. In other words, I was letting Fear- a fear of not learning enough, keeping the GPA stable, setting myself up to start making more money, what my friends and family would think of me if I said screw it and became a guitar teacher full time and dropped out; you know, typical college stuff-  I was letting Fear run my life into the ground, like a little bitch.

This week, that has changed. I dropped a calculus class that I was having a cow over every single day, as I havent really applied myself to math in the past and now calc. was throwing up things that I barely remembered, and I was falling behind this online course every single day that went by (stressful when balancing a ton of other projects and endeavors, but I digress). 

Now I know what some people might be thinking or assuming: I am just a kid who got intimidated by real work in college and decided to drop because it was the easy way out. That's what I was thinking at first, and I'll be the first to admit that I have done that in the past with a previous class that was kicking my ass under a 20 credit load before. However, this time was completely different for one key reason. 

That reason is the fact that I am done letting my fear dictate my personal growth. Keeping one eye on the road and one on the people in the car, for example, is not a safe or intelligent way to drive around and about, and much in the same way, thats what I was doing with my personal education and development. I noticed that I hadnt slowed the hell down the smell the roses in a long time, that just weeks before the semester started I was feeling creative and working on film projects that I was passionate about (once it started, all of the disintegrated immediately), and more importantly that I was failing to work toward strategically outlining my life purpose. 

If you are going through a similar process of letting fear bend you over a barrel and have its way with you, I would like to offer my insights to you.

 Truly be present to learn ANYTHING. You can learn anything if you set your mind to it. I was horrible at recall with calc., but I was understanding the concepts because I simply slowed myself down enough to just breathe and understand every symbol on the page for what it was, one at a damn time. 

The problem with this is that it was eating up my freedom of growth and time. If you put a specific kind of plant in a pot that is way to small for it, what happens? Also consider what happens if you drown the shit out of it with water and animal feces? It dies a little each day. The SAME THING was happening to me. I was seeing opportuinities pass me by because I insisted on pleasing others by being a good little boy and completing calculus so that I can serve society properly by being able to think at that level of logic as soon as possible. I didnt have enough time (small pot to grow in), and I was actually being drowned in information as calc. is semi- dense and practice intensive (too much water and fertilizer).

So, I dropped that class like a bad habit, and while a small part of me does acknowledge that at some level I feel relieved to not have to work as hard on school this semester, that same part of me doesnt revel in that joy for too long, and actually begins to quake in its boots at the work to come. I am taking a charged and proactive approach and plan on mastering all of the math needed for calculus by the time I finally make the time next semester to take it, and also I have put myself under the immense responsibility of free time. 

What people fail to remember (mainly kids my age or younger who are addicted to youtube, porn, videogames, you name it) is that free and liesure time is a HUGE fucking responsibility. No joke. If you have been blessed in your life to be in a nice situation where all you have to worry about is going to school to learn and grow, and that you find enough time in the day to come home and procrastinate on the important shit and waste away on any of that shit listed above, I'll invite you to do some yoga: 

                           Bend over, put your head between your legs, and kiss your own ass in gratitude to the universe.

Anyways, I just wanted to stoke up some self-courage as well as courage in any of you struggling with a similar situation. In case I came across as unclear and ranty, I basically wanted to free up my time and take back artistic control over the layout of my life, both long term and day-to-day, by slowing myself down, stopping all of the neurotic patterns by surrendering and visualizing death (really works!), and getting in touch with what is really important. For me, strategizing  and making human connections for life experience was way more important than jumping through hoops like a dog (analogy courtesy of @Leo Gura) and playing the "hurry up and drown yourself in knowledge" game that so many people and college institutions push on people as a good idea nowadays. This is clearly an unconscious pattern, and one of the reasons I think education reform is the most important change you can make in any society. Just remember, there is no damn rush, live for yourself. Get your shit together before you go out an try to help others, and to do that, slow down and grab those damn reins from that asshat called Fear.