Deep Trauma, Unwanted Relationship, Dishonesty.

[Anon212]

I wanted to come on here and open up about things that have happened in my life. I am going to share things that I have never told anyone about and I would greatly appreciate any advice that can help me improve my life. 

I don't really know where to begin so I will just type. This might turn out as a stream of consciousness but this also might be the best way to do it because I am finding it difficult to organise all of my thoughts.

I am 22-years-old. I graduated from university last year with an honours degree. I would like to think that I am a reasonably smart kid. I was on full scholarship in college and lived pretty damn well for the four years. Really, a lot of my problems started as I began my first year of college as I started to become acutely aware of my traumas and I am going to share (at least some of them) now. 

Growing up, I suffered from asymmetrical gynecomastia. This is a condition in which men develop female like breasts and the severity of it varies from person to person. It was pretty bad for me and it became a real problem in college when I became interested in girls. Let me preface by saying this and I am by no means being arrogant. I consider my self a very attractive person despite deep traumas and self-worth issues. I came to this conclusion simply because I would get approached by a lot of girls in different situations and I still do to this day. Sometimes people come to me and tell me outright that I am good looking. I am the typical tall, dark and handsome dude. Anyways, it doesn't matter because I never got laid, in fact I COULD NOT get laid and it will become clear why.

Because I had the issue (if I can call it that), I became obsessed with weightlifting. I would go to the gym and and lift seven days a week. I did powerlifting, bodybuilding and martial arts so, within a year I was in phenomenal shape. Of course, this was just to cover up the underlying issue which was the shame associated with the gyno. I couldn't even take my shirt off and I wouldn't because I was ashamed. It's funny though because people around me thought I was humble! I wasn't. I wanted to show off and get the praise and recognition but I simply couldn't. Eventually, the shame boiled over and I had enough. I went and got surgery to have this condition fixed. I won't go into details but even the surgery was a pain in the ass. I had to get it done twice because the surgeon didn't do it properly the first time. Regardless, once it was done and I had healed, I got a boost in confidence. Now I could take my shirt off! BUT, I was ignoring another very deep physical trauma that prevented me from having sex with women and this one was a lot worse...

I was circumcised at a young age and it is safe to say that it wasn't done properly. Essentially, I grew up with a botched circumcision and it was really bad. I just became acutely aware of it in college. This shit almost drove me crazy. It elicited such strong emotions that I really cannot describe them here. Anger, hatred, resentment, towards my parents, religion, the healthcare system and so on. Anyways, this shit fucked with me so much. I had so many girls approaching me yet I could not sleep with them because of something that simply wasn't my fault. It got to a point where it got so fucking bad that I had to go and get corrective surgery. I contacted the best surgeon in the country. He was very reluctant to take me on because it was quite bad but he did. At the end, he did an excellent job and I felt as though my virility was restored. A major boost. Now, both of my deep physical traumas had been corrected but they still existed on an emotional level. I tried put myself out there but COVID hit so I moved back home.

Fast forward two, I graduated with a good grade and it seemed like life would be better. While all of this was going on, I fell in love with mediation. It became my refuge. I would sit for hours and hours every single day. I didn't socialize, didn't meet friends, nothing. I just sat with my eyes closed at every opportunity I got. I listened to Leo, Sadhguru, Spira, Ralston, Mooji, Tolle, Wilde, Papaji....the list is very long and I probably read 100+ spirituality books. This shit saved me. It kept me stable. It grounded me. I learned kriya yoga from the Isha foundation and what this is shit has done to me in just over a year is amazing. Things were getting better.

Because I lived an intense few years in college (I was in and out of hospital for other reasons too),  I decided to take a year off. I  worked part-time in a bakery, did life purpose courses, marketing courses, kriya yoga, read books etc... etc... I got into game and started going to the club, doing approaches and so on. I started to pick up some pace. Then I met a girl at a club and we started to hang out often. We didn't have sex but we slept together often. Eventually I got into a relationship with her but to this day I still haven't had sex with her. She has traumas of her own. In tandem with this, I learned about Dr. Robert Glover, a nice-guy coach and it didn't take me long to realise that I was exactly that. A people-pleasing, nice guy. I didn't know how bad it was until he started describing all the facets of my life in detail. I was attracting women with lots of trauma, had internalized toxic shame, would do anything to please others and lost 1000s of dollars in the process, never had sex with girls, attracted girls with low libido and so on. I am now in a relationship I don't want to be in.  She smokes weed all day, eats sweets only, won't have sex with me, doesn't meditate, isn't into self-improvement or even remotely interested in spirituality. She's also 11 years older than me! I ended up in this relationship because I am nice. Simple as. I also got fat. I am 106kg now. I use to be lean, strong and athletic. 

With this nice-guy realization, I also started to recognise how many lies I tell (I made a very sincere and real effort to tell the truth in this post without sugar coating or adding/subtracting information). At one point, I became so fucking conscious with how incongruently I live with my values, how many lies I tell, how inauthentic I am that I ended up in emotional crisis mode. I vomited. I was sick to the bone at my own lack of honesty. My life seemed like it was going in a great direction (for a while) but it cracked and its going downhill now. I would like some advice. 

1) I want to end this relationship. She doesn't have sex with me (she explains this by saying she has trauma). How should I go about this? I have a deep fear of hurting people and it seems like she is very into me. 

2) How do I overcome the emotional residue of these deep physical traumas? I feel a little better by sharing them on here because I have never mentioned them to anyone in person - ever. I went to the surgeries alone and just walked home after. Even after being under general anaesthetic. 

3) In general, I don't know what steps to take to make my life better. I am currently unemployed but I can change that easily. I want to learn game, have sex, heal etc... Of course, I don't know where to start, what to start with and so on. Any advice on this. The life purpose course didn't give me as much clarity as I would I have liked but I think It's because I am very young.

4) Simply speaking, how do I become a more honest and authentic person?

As a whole this is just a snippet of my life. I am sharing this with strangers so I don't expect people to really care. I mean everyone has their own traumas. I have faced nastier shit than this too but right now this is what is bubbling up and this is what I want to sort out right now. For those of you that read this, thank you. Any advice is appreciated!

 

[Raze]

Try IFS therapy 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xaYK2utj97Y

 

Edited May 13, 2022 by Raze

[Ulax]

5 minutes ago, Raze said:

Try IFS therapy 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xaYK2utj97Y

 

Haha my man. you literally recommend the same shit as me.

was thinking of dropping some david tian ifs stuff

how'd you come across his stuff?

----------------------------------------

OP i second the ifs stuff dude

[Matt23]

32 minutes ago, Anon212 said:

1) I want to end this relationship. She doesn't have sex with me (she explains this by saying she has trauma). How should I go about this? I have a deep fear of hurting people and it seems like she is very into me. 

Look, you gotta tell her how you genuinely feel.  Otherwise, you'll be creating more hurt though the resentment that will slip out over the years and you'll both be miserable.  By just getting it over with, you're saving both of you a ton more hurt that, though it may seem isn't as much as telling her the truth now, is more hurt since it's spread over many months and years.  Also, people can handle stuff and can actually appreciate truth.  Give her the respect of telling her she can handle stuff buy telling the truth.  Perhaps also look more into why you don't want to tell her and investigate it more thoroughly.  

Don't forget to be compassionate and loving towards yourself and your needs as well.  If she won't have sex due to trauma, I'd almost say maybe it's better for her to wait on being in a relationship and work on that instead.  And it sounds you could use a lot more sex  

32 minutes ago, Anon212 said:

3) In general, I don't know what steps to take to make my life better. I am currently unemployed but I can change that easily. I want to learn game, have sex, heal etc... Of course, I don't know where to start, what to start with and so on. Any advice on this. The life purpose course didn't give me as much clarity as I would I have liked but I think It's because I am very young.

Sounds like just starting to do shit, create goals and accomplish them, may be a best route.  Even if you're unsure if the goal is in line with your authentic values.  Just try shit.  experiment.  Get out there and tackle the world sort of.  Make a name for yourself.  Just doing shit will give you feedback about what you want and don't want.  Then maybe try revisiting figuring out your values more in depth.  I did the LP course as well a few years ago and felt similarly.  But now I revisited the values section and was quite amazed at how much more clearly I felt my values to be (after changing things around).  

Maybe start with the social and financial.  Maybe get a job that could help you socially; like working with people you want to be around and that affords you the opportunity to socialize and work on that.  Serving perhaps?  

32 minutes ago, Anon212 said:

4) Simply speaking, how do I become a more honest and authentic person?

You just do it.  There's no "how".  Don't distract and/or deceive yourself with thinking "I gotta figure out how to do it before doing it.  Or else how can I do it?!"  You just do it.  How do you breath?  You just do it.  How do you be more honest? How do you be more authentic?  How do you tell the truth about what you're thinking, feeling, and noticing?  I'll let you figure that out.  

Good luck.  

Also... don't get to lost or put too much importance on all of this either.  Just chilling is good as well.  Not taking things, yourself, life too seriously.  It's all ok.  

Edited May 13, 2022 by Matt23

[Matt23]

Also... Ya... it seems like maybe doing some psychological and trauma based work could help with the underlying stuff.  There's tons of techniques and therapies out there.  Everything from psychotherapy to psychedelics to breathwork, etc..  I'll let you research that. 

But here's a strategy that might help:  Do daily practices, a weekly practice (maybe a day of fasting, quiet, or nature or something, or even a light psychedelic), and then a monthly or bi-monthly practice (perhaps a couple day retreat, larger psychedelic, etc.)  ---- I got this from Jamie Wheal.  He calls it Hedonic calendaring.

another strategy I picked up from Zak Stein (you can look him up on yt etc... he was a student of Ken Wilber's, does work with guys like Jordan Hall, Daniel Schmachtenberger, etc.) is a triad framework when working with the psyche.  He basically says that whenever you're working with the psyche, you have to work in these 3 areas...

• Development:  Things like strength training, bio-hacking, learning skills, diet, etc.
  • This part is more about developing yourself as a human; skills, biologically, discipline, habits, etc..  
  • imbalance:  if you get too attached to this one at the cost of the others, life can become superficial and meaningless as well as damaging to relationships, the environment, any spiritual connectino, and even one's psychological and emotional health.
• Ensoulment:  Working with emotions, interpersonal and relationship work, Jungian stuff, dreams, IFS therapy, etc.. 
  • This part is all about facing and feeling the pain of the world/yourself, rather than running from it. 
  • imbalance:  If you get to attached to this at the cost of the other areas, it can end up being an endless cycle of emotional healing and work.  
• Transcendent:  Meditation, spiritual practices, 'waking up' stuff, witnessing beauty, (comes in handy especially if the pain of the world and 'ensoulment' becomes too much and you need to take a break almost, so that you don't get stuck in nihilism, pain, and despair).  
  • This part is more about transcending the pain of the world, helping to not get bogged down in it and to still see the beauty, joy, and love of life even amongst the pain.
  • imbalance:  if you become too attached to this one then it can lead to spiritual bypassing, "spiritual psychopathy", and just not giving a shit about the world and relationships and just blissing out alone and perhaps even treating others like shit and saying "it's all love" etc..

 

Edited May 13, 2022 by Matt23