Tearos

Casual sex - harmless or dangerous?

27 posts in this topic

What views do you guys have on casual sex? All opinions are welcome here - both grey and black-and-white views. Do you guys think the danger or harmlessness of casual sex is underestimated in today's western society?
If you'd like, I would like you to also offer your perspective on the personal level and/or societal levels.

Follow-up questions:
If harmless - what do you think is the best strategy to achieve it?
If dangerous - what do you think is the best alternative?

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I truly believe it is harmful if you treat that person as an object afterwards (meaning, you guys don't talk after spending the night together, you don't check up on her/him afterwards, ask how they are etc). 

It doesn't matter that you guys are not officially in relationship, that doesn't mean you can treat them as a rug and like they don't have emotions. It's basic human decency to ask about them after just having casual sex with them.

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@Tearos It probably depends a little.

It can be done in a way that is pretty much harmless for you, if you have the right mindset.

The other person might end up with a heart break though (in some cases). Some people get attached and then can't deal with it if the other person doesn't want commitment.

I think there's no way to avoid heart break completely, you can only minimize the damage.

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@somegirl 

21 minutes ago, somegirl said:

It's basic human decency to ask about them after just having casual sex with them.

Yes, but that contradicts the idea of the sex being casual, I think. As soon as you treat the other with care (by asking about them), they instantly turn into a non-causal partner in my estimation. How do you reconcile this contradiction?

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6 minutes ago, Tearos said:

Yes, but that contradicts the idea of the sex being casual, I think. As soon as you treat the other with care (by asking about them), they instantly turn into a non-causal partner in my estimation. How do you reconcile this contradiction?

I disagree. 

Why would that be a given? If you ask a person how they are after sex, it just shows you are decent human being. It doesn't mean that you want a relationship with them just because you show basic care for other human being.

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@Federico del pueblo 
That's an interesting view. I would say that I have in my past attempted to suppress care towards the other with a mindset, allowing me to see them merely as casual sex-"object". I don't know if this accounts for me personally, but this suppression has never really been executed perfectly on my part. I think I always sensed that I was deliberatively fooling myself into a mindset in order to be able to act on the orders of my body.

I've been hypothesizing that this mindset might be the same mechanism soldiers learn in military school in order to kill. I guess this mindset allows them to perceive others as non-humans in some regard. It's easier to kill, I would suspect. Interestingly, many soldiers go through PTSD as a result of their trauma by their own evil actions in battle

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@somegirl
It's a given because the idea of casual sex is about only sex without any motivation to be a decent person. I'm guessing that's why it's regarded as casual.
Also, I didn't suggest that any relationship was the goal of treating the other with care. Just that treating the other with care, you instantly begin manifesting yourself as less causal.

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9 minutes ago, Tearos said:

That's an interesting view. I would say that I have in my past attempted to suppress care towards the other with a mindset, allowing me to see them merely as casual sex-"object". I don't know if this accounts for me personally, but this suppression has never really been executed perfectly on my part. I think I always sensed that I was deliberatively fooling myself into a mindset in order to be able to act on the orders of my body.

I've been hypothesizing that this mindset might be the same mechanism soldiers learn in military school in order to kill. I guess this mindset allows them to perceive others as non-humans in some regard. It's easier to kill, I would suspect. Interestingly, many soldiers go through PTSD as a result of their trauma by their own evil actions in battle

This is interesting comparison.

So in order to have casual sex with someone, someone would have to deny and surpress "human side" of them and eveything that comes with it (empathy, care, compassion).

Don't you agree that that would be bad for someone's soul and spirit, in the long run? Where's the joy in that when someone has to pretend to be cold and emotionless?

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@somegirl

3 minutes ago, somegirl said:

Don't you agree that that would be bad for someone's soul and spirit, in the long run? Where's the joy in that when someone has to pretend to be cold and emotionless?

Yes, I agree with this. At least this is my opinion temporarily. The "statistics" don't really seem to support any life-long contentment with this lifestyle.

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4 minutes ago, somegirl said:

Why would that be a given? If you ask a person how they are after sex, it just shows you are decent human being. It doesn't mean that you want a relationship with them just because you show basic care for other human being.

It's kind of complicated for guys though.

The thing that you appreciate is what can make you lose another girl, at least if too much care is shown.

I think the girls who are the least open to casual sex are the ones who want the most care and then typically they also desire commitment at some point.

So reversely the girls who are totally cool with casual sex might get turned off by too much care because to them care signals willingness for commitment which they aren't looking for.

Guys have to get a feeling for which girl needs what, but that's not easy.

9 minutes ago, Tearos said:

I would say that I have in my past attempted to suppress care towards the other with a mindset, allowing me to see them merely as casual sex-"object". I don't know if this accounts for me personally, but this suppression has never really been executed perfectly on my part.

I don't recommend seeing anyone as an object.

I think you should simply see any woman, including the ones you're having sex with, as a grown up, self responsible person, that "should not" need you in order to be happy.

Consequently, she shouldn't need frequent messages from you to be fulfilled or feel appreciated or anything like that.

Just two adults that repeatedly want to spend some quality time together without a lot of additional duties.

This doesn't mean you have to be careless altogether, you can still send a "hey, had a great evening with you, take care, we'll talk soon :)" or so.

But if you're repeatedly sending messages back and forth then you're basically a couple that doesn't share the same flat.

She does not NEED you (and you shouldn't NEED her for your happiness either), but when you're together you're both appreciating each other and taking care of each other (to some extent) for the time spent together.

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13 minutes ago, Tearos said:

It's a given because the idea of casual sex is about only sex without any motivation to be a decent person. I'm guessing that's why it's regarded as casual.
Also, I didn't suggest that any relationship was the goal of treating the other with care. Just that treating the other with care, you instantly begin manifesting yourself as less causal.

I see. If this was literally how it was, then I would never want to engage in such thing. 
 

But the thing is, I know about an example where I guy would have casual sex regularly with a girl with no strings attached, but treated her with care all along. And still, no relationship have come out of it. They kept it casual because both of them didn't want commitment, just sex. 

6 minutes ago, Federico del pueblo said:

So reversely the girls who are totally cool with casual sex might get turned off by too much care because to them care signals willingness for commitment which they aren't looking for.

I see.

I just think it wouldn't hurt a person if you ask them. They wouldn't get mad/offended or anything like that. It's just... "Hey, you're human, just wanna make sure you're not hurt or something happened that I didn't know. Oh okay, bye"

I don't know, it that unrealistic?

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@Federico del pueblo

5 minutes ago, Federico del pueblo said:

So reversely the girls who are totally cool with casual sex might get turned off by too much care because to them care signals willingness for commitment which they aren't looking for.

Well, perhaps as some kind of weird psychological mechanism which I don't understand. But I've gathered that fatherlessness predicts teenage pregnancy. My take on this data is that these girls have a need for a masculine figure in their life, which oftentimes results in teenage pregnancy. 
 

8 minutes ago, Federico del pueblo said:

I think you should simply see any woman, including the ones you're having sex with, as a grown up, self responsible person, that "should not" need you in order to be happy.

I've pondered around this idea a lot, and it takes off the responsibility from myself. But agree that women are responsible for their own actions. On the happiness element of this argument, I would say I partially agree. This is because you obviously need women in order to fulfill your sexual need. If you go with Maslow's hierarchy of needs, your most fundamental needs must be met in order to fulfill further needs. All in all, the sex which you need a partner for, is an element of your happiness.
 

12 minutes ago, Federico del pueblo said:

This doesn't mean you have to be careless altogether, you can still send a "hey, had a great evening with you, take care, we'll talk soon :)" or so.

This again, I would argue is not really living up to the "causal" part of the idea of casual sex. Once you show some care, you're investing more care and emotion than what the idea of casual sex demands you.

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@somegirl

7 minutes ago, somegirl said:

But the thing is, I know about an example where I guy would have casual sex regularly with a girl with no strings attached, but treated her with care all along. And still, no relationship have come out of it. They kept it casual because both of them didn't want commitment, just sex. 

I would disagree that there was no relationship going on. They may not have established the title "relationship" or even followed the rules within a relationship. But this is surely behavior that is bending the rules of what has traditionally been considered a relationship. It's the same as a relationship, just without any responsibility, and perhaps maturity about the reality of the situation. 

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From my anecdotal experience in myself and what I've seen in other people. Casual sex is harmless if done sparsely, maybe a few times a year at most. If it's done regularly though or deliberately in place of relationship sex it can get dangerous. A lot of people can end up getting hurt either emotionally or physically, and it can be psychological damaging for one's ability to form proper relationships. You are playing fire basically, so don't be surprised or complain when you get burned.

I have always been extremely open and liberal towards sexuality but my intuition is starting to naturally scale this attitude back. What I'm observing in society from birth rates collapsing, family systems becoming broken and warped, marriage being an essentially pointless institution and life event, and just the general unhappiness/anger in everyone. It's leading me to feel like we are fucking things up and really have no idea what we're doing as a culture in this aspect lol. We thought we could handle the responsibility that comes with this freedom, but it's pretty obvious we can't. We'd be better served to admit that and calm things down for a while in my opinion. Of course people can do what they want, I won't judge or support anybody trying to stop them. The world is already overpopulated as it is, I'm not really that concerned about there being less children in the grand scheme.

I'd also like to note I find it really interesting that every casual sex relationship I've ever had or seen other people have, has had a 100% collapse rate. One person always catches feelings and wants to form a deeper relationship. Although I can't prove it, I think this speaks to something sacred or important about the nature of intimacy and sex, and that we ought to respect it a bit more and not throw it around as simply a tool for our own pleasure.

 


I'm not an alarmist..... but someone should break the glass. And pull that red T-lever down!

To get their attention, start lobbing the Light Grenades that burst and blind them with the truth!

An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth!

 

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@Roy

I think I relate to almost everything you wrote. I'm glad to hear someone else having these kinds of thoughts - it makes it less lonely for me.

The only thing I think would disagree with is the overpopulation statement you made. There are a few convincing arguments suggesting that our biggest challenge in some years will be that population increase will cease, rather than overpopulation.

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Nothing casual about it for me at least ... It either leads to a solid connection or does not. :x


"We're all born naked and the rest is drag." - RuPaul ❣ Nothing but love.

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Dangerous if you don't get to have it and dangerous if you have but for different reasons

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8 hours ago, Tearos said:

Do you guys think the danger or harmlessness of casual sex is underestimated in today's western society?

Perhaps, but we have to think about collective evolution in terms of stages.

In the past, we’ve had a pretty puritanical, tight grip on sex. SDi Blue type of thinking. But of course this strict moralizing and suppression of sexual energy can’t last.

So as we correct for that, the pendulum swings. And it usually swings too far and we overcorrect.

That’s essentially what has happened to sex.

We’ve gone from thinking sex was this thing that only married people should do by the grace of God, to “fuck it, we’re just a bunch horny chimps”. And of course neither of those perspectives are the whole story.

We will eventually find balance as a collective. But as I see it, it’s going to take time. And there will likely be some pain along the way. We will have to see what the consequences of our actions are and further integrate.


Offerings: akourakin.com

 

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"Dangers" of casual sex are mostly invented by people that are having no sex, or minimal ammount of sex.

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