Father Forgive, Father Forgive

[Striving for more]

Stubbornly Doubling down on revenge... Unable to let go, revenge is a habit. 

Cross roads, T junction, I can only choose either way. 

I can blunt the empathy y maintain competitive frame, only tool to sustain unforgiveness.  

... or I can forgive. 

Because I chose to be cold & not forgive, but this causes me malaise, For I failed to go full circle with the coldness. 

You can't be cold & feel guilt  u cutting bread with a spoon. 

I work so hard ... but I always wash it all away. 

I fought so hard, 99 battles won but the 100th one obliged to shadows way. 

As they always say, it can take a lifetime to build, but a second to blow it all away. 

It only takes one battle lost to lose the war of life. 

The battle though is only within my own mind. 

Father forgive, father forgive thee. 

 

 

Edited May 8, 2022 by Striving for more

[Striving for more]

I wanted laughter & joy, but I couldn't forgive. 

Im yet to forgive myself and thy father. 

Yet to forigve, wishing him more pain, feeling gratitude for his worsening conditions. 

What have I become thy father, to wish death & malaise upon my own blood? 

I try to reason my way through this. He does deserve it. They all do. 

But it does nothing to serve me, this energy. 

I'm better off overseas, but self destruction brought me back where I wasn't supposed to be. 

Forcing me to confront forgiveness, thy lord oh u make me bleed. 

Life is so short father, How do I resolve all these inner conflicts, I wish I could just forgive, but his his new personality is not consistent enough, Im sill given traces off his bittersweet nature & for every hit he throws, I throw 10 back, for 10 days longer, where he even forgets where the initial rebound came from, left only confused and wondering why? Why though so bitter? 

Forgive, thy lord, give me the strength to forgive. 

Or remove thy guilt father, make me a devil, make me cold. 

Winning comes first father, whatever method it shall be. 

Nothing in between thy lord. 

Thy father, all these readers I hate these readers father, why you read my post? Why you so nosy? What do you want? 

I should not feel guilt for what people deserve, I suppose I wasn't built for this father, I may have to forgive or I will lose myself.

Edited May 8, 2022 by Striving for more

[Striving for more]

Thy lord I delete this journal now ... I don't really want the attention. 

Yet I wanted to "share" temporarily. I don't know why. 

Guilt & sourness is a lonely place I suppose. 

It helps to expose ones flaws, I assumed. 

[Striving for more]

STOP 

[ll Ontology ll]

32 minutes ago, Striving for more said:

I wanted laughter & joy, but I couldn't forgive. 

Im yet to forgive myself and thy father. 

Yet to forigve, wishing him more pain, feeling gratitude for his worsening conditions. 

What have I become thy father, to wish death & malaise upon my own blood? 

I try to reason my way through this. He does deserve it. They all do. 

But it does nothing to serve me, this energy. 

I'm better off overseas, but self destruction brought me back where I wasn't supposed to be. 

Forcing me to confront forgiveness, thy lord oh u make me bleed. 

Life is so short father, How do I resolve all these inner conflicts, I wish I could just forgive, but his his new personality is not consistent enough, Im sill given traces off his bittersweet nature & for every hit he throws, I throw 10 back, for 10 days longer, where he even forgets where the initial rebound came from, left only confused and wondering why? Why though so bitter? 

Forgive, thy lord, give me the strength to forgive. 

Or remove thy guilt father, make me a devil, make me cold. 

Winning comes first father, whatever method it shall be. 

Nothing in between thy lord. 

Thy father, all these readers I hate these readers father, why you read my post? Why you so nosy? What do you want? 

I should not feel guilt for what people deserve, I suppose I wasn't built for this father, I may have to forgive or I will lose myself.

I totally feel you man. Felt your post at the pit of my stomach. No judgements. Just support. Peace.