Leo Gura

What Made You Feel Love As A Child?

143 posts in this topic

@Leo Gura I valued attention and recognition from my parents. I wanted them to be happy with me.


"Wanting keeps me from the awareness I already have it. I already am it.” — Byron Katie

 

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8 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

I am in the midst of developing a deeper theory of love. As such I would like for you to brainstorm a list of things from your childhood that made you feel loved by your mother, father, and/or siblings. The earlier from your childhood the better. You can also make a list of things that made you feel unloved. But separate these two lists.

Don't make shit up, actually introspect into your past. Think deep about what actually made you feel loved. So, for example, if getting a birthday gift made you feel loved, contemplate why and list that. For example, you felt loved because the gift satisfied some deep need/desire of yours.

As a kid (up to the age of 5) I was in complete ecstasy with life. My father moved abroad when I was 2, and I think that's when it started.
I grew up with my mother and my mother's parents, and their side of the family. I was the first grandchild (out of my grandparents other 6 children) and of course when I came in to the picture. I was absolutely smothered with love. Literally everyone wanted to see me, hug me, or be around me. I also had 2 aunts close to my age. And I became really close with them.
We would always play hide and seek, build fortresses out of my grandparents furniture when they were not home, or were busy doing other stuff.
I had such a huge passion for life, I was in so much love, I couldn't stand still, and I was always jumping around and just running around hugging everyone and spreading love. I was almost never hungry, I was just filled with Love and Joy for existence.

Anyhow, when we moved abroad to my dad. I lost all of that love presence. And felt separated from that love. My dad wasn't really loving me in that way, and his side of the family was the complete opposite. Of course I wouldn't know this as a kid, so I underwent the "lost/loss" stage and started to doubt myself and feel like something was wrong with me. And then the hunger and desires came.
For 25 years I lost that sense of joy, out of life and for reality. Until I found Actualized.org and started to question my separation from love/joy/life.

Not until last week when I woke up to extreme levels of Love, on a DMT trip. I got in touch with that spark of ecstasy I felt as a child.
But after a week of integration; It just dawned on me as I saw this thread, and started to write these words down: That Love wasn't something outside of me. Never were... Love was the very fabric of my Existence. Its just that, as a kid, I just was that Love, without knowing anything about it. Playful/Cheerful and Unconditional Love, without a sense of a "me" being it. I had to be separated from "myself", In order to Understand my Love deeper. Only to find it within me again. And that's when the journey starts, to move "myself" back to that singularity of Love. And to bring everything I separated from "myself" with me.

The very essence of our Being Is Love. Always have, and Always Will Be. And in this a sense of an "I" arises to Feel it, Know it, Accept It, Give It, Share It, Lose It, and to Find It...

Edited by Vincent S

“Life is just a break from an Infinite Orgasm. Prolong your break for as long as you want. Ride that wave. But don’t forget where you're headed.”

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For Being loved:

1) I was highly fond of magnets and science. My friends at school used to bring magnets to class and play with them. I couldn't play as much as I wanted to so that pissed me off. I wanted more magnets. I needed to make more magnets and show it off to my friends. My friends were not nerds neither I had internet or anyone else to ask "how to make magnets?". I was desperate. And I didn't have a single clue as to how.

So I began searching through and old stack of books to search for any information on magnets. I could not find any information. I still pushed ahead with no end in sight. I had to take the books, which were mostly on science and search through them. It was a roller coaster of emotions. Not only do I need information, I also want to know how to make them.  My search continued with the only thing fueling my search was my love for magnets and science.I was looking for such a specific thing in mind so there was not much hope that I will actually find it.  And then finally I got one textbook which had a section on electro-magnetism. Suddenly my hopes went high, but not too high. I closely studied every page and I turned them, and alas I found it.

Finding it was nothing, now the hard part on actually making it. It was basically to take a nail, tie it with copper wire and connect either end of the wire to the battery, and the nail will behave like a magnet due to electro-magnetism. And then,  I accidentally touched the wire and guess what? The wire became burning hot. The love and burst of emotions I have experienced at the time is insanely overwhelming. I finally got the felling that I am going somewhere with this. I have made progress on my own from scratch starting from basically nothing. I felt like a scientist myself. Feeling the heat from the wire also gave me the feeling that I found something else on my way to making magnets. It was like an unexpected bonus. I did not know about anything since there was no google to search things on. Every single step in the journey I had to think, take risk despite having practically no hope and noone else to help me around, and I unraveled mysteries of the universe. It was a simple experience in retrospect, but it was huge experiencing the milestones in real time.

2) I feel great sense of love when I am in a team and I single-handedly make the team win by my own efforts. I feel like I haven't contributed enough if I don't. There has been few occasions where I single-handedly answered multiple questions to gather all the points and win the game for my team. Also I have the same feeling of love when  I score all the points in games and matches to crush others. Now this looks more like some insecurity but back then I felt like I am part of something greater.

For not being loved:

1) This the earliest and clearest memory that I have. There was a family function happening at my house and I was still a baby. The moment I woke up my mother was holding me. I felt peace and loved. I was holding my little hands on her shoulder and telling to myself that this is my mother. I love my mother. I love my mother so much. She was holding me in a way such that my chest was on her chest and I was hugging on to her neck. I couldn't see her face. I was enjoying the moment and then out of nowhere my actual mother appears.

I felt so betrayed that I cried out loud. Actually it was my cousin sister was holding me. I was thinking it was my mother the whole time. I feel betrayed by both my mother and my cousin. I want to take revenge on her. I was so internally disturbed by this. For this reason, I would never make babies cry no matter what when they are with me. I don't like adults that make babies cry for fun. The baby might be feeling something else.

 

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I remember intense love, warmth, and care from my mother, from ages 5-9, we would have daily talks, quiet times, sometimes we would just sit next to each other reading, or we would talk, or we would sing together. Sharing space, present with each other, especially when I was young.

A great example of this, I was 7-8 years old, we were upstairs in my parents master bedroom, in the corner of the room, each in a comfortable chair, and we were philosophizing about history, I was so excited to think about apes and dinosaurs, and how us humans came into being, and she sat through all of it, encouraging me to explore the ideas. at the end of our time together that day, I remember saying "I wish all of our talks could be like this!' not realizing that the reason I felt so good is because I was being accepted, my ideas were being treated as valid, Love.

 

Another experience, I Was probably 4, we had a rule in our house, no pocket-knifes till we were 10, but one day, just mom and I were home, and she was doing laundry, and I was playing with my older brothers knife and cut myself really deeply. I was so scared to tell her, because I knew that if I did, she might tell dad and I Would get spanked. but I went anyway, I apologized for doing it even though it was against the rules, and begged her not to tell dad. I dont remember the I details of how she handled it, but there was no judgement, no punishment, nothing, she cleaned my cut, she gave me care, she probably told dad but I never got in trouble for that. I felt cared for, I felt like she was on my side, I felt understood, and most of all, I felt protected and safe. 


Music is Love in disguise.

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7 hours ago, cetus said:

Perhaps to say "I will Always be here for you as we are one"

I feel you :)

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8 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

I am in the midst of developing a deeper theory of love.

Love is acceptance of things as they are. 

Love is acceptance of yourself as you are. 

If you can't accept yourself, you seek to be accepted by others. 

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Loved:

My dad giggling and patting or stroking my back with those big, warm hands. My mom hugging me, caring for me, blowing on my wounds. My little brother stalking me.

Unloved:

My mom or dad shouting at me, being strict.

A central trauma (1st world problems) was when I was promised membership on RuneScape for Christmas at 10-11 years old (I got a card with it written down as a present on Christmas eve), but while purchasing it the day after, my dad noticed the game was for ages 12+, so I was betrayed.

After that, I never asked for anything material unless it was absolutely essential, and when I finally bought membership on my own at 14, I got a fixation on RS and never played anything else. When playing other games over at my friends while growing up, I was shit, and I could never participate in any game-related discussions. I became a weirdo even among my friends.


Intrinsic joy is revealed in the marriage of meaning and being.

 

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I remember that my Dad built me a circular train track on a big wooden board, with a little tunnel for the steam train to go through, man I loved that thing and spending time with my Dad.

My Mum would send me to sleep by stroking my hair.

Me and my my younger sister were inseparable and would play outside all the time. I felt that she always looked up to her amazing (lol) brother.

I was a huge computer nerd and when I got my first one for Christmas from my parents I was overjoyed (I nagged them for about a year!).

I always loved visiting grandparents and cousins which my Dad would always organise.

I always enjoyed the food my Mum cooked and kept me in touch with Spanish roots.

The few times my Dad took me and my sister to his work, I felt so excited, it was like an adventure - I still like the smell of tomato plants and peppers - he worked in greenhouses.

My Dad used to brag about how clever I was, because I learned to read (Spanish) in just a few hours.

My Mum was immensely proud (and envious) of me when I got my degree and she went to my graduation ceremony. My elder half brother was really chuffed that I also invited him.

My Mum was always a very tactile person and that always made me feel loved.

My Dad would always patiently answer all my incessant questions and explain things so I could understand them.  Trigonometry at 5 years old? No problem.

My Dad always had loads of nicknames for me, which I always liked. But he mostly used Wink (kind of short for William the English version of my name) - which I miss even now.

My Dad's silly wordplay type of humour which always made me happy.

My Mum's slapstick and piss taking type of humour.

---- BAD STUFF ----

My Mum got angry with me and my sister easily, especially for making a mess.

My parents argued constantly.

My Dad was always working and was never home.

My Mum relied on me to do anything complicated for her - she never learned English when she lived in England.

My sister would always get me into trouble (on purpose) by crying at anything she didn't like.

My Dad always wanted me and my sister to calm down all the time - when we just wanted to play.

When my parents split, my Dad moved over 200 miles away - that really got to me.

 

 

Edited by LastThursday

Each of us is a unique mix of the same things.

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1. For my mother it was really important that I had the highest grades in school. There was a LOT of toxicity and arguments even when I got B instead of A. I distinctly remember one day as a kid when I was cramming the list of Polish Kings and all the dates of their rule and my mom got into the room and said "you know what, you are learning to much this weekend, maybe you should play some video games?" - it happened once, and I was so shocked and felt so accepted for my interests that I remember it to this day.

2. I had a lot of toxic arguments with my mom. I am sure she had bipolar disorder or something like that, she had the uncoditional love side and narcisistic toxic side to her. After two days of arguments and crying she often would come to me and apologize for everything, talk how she does not want to behave like that, that I am perfect as I am and we would just hug and cry in "apologization". These moments of forgiveness and of just letting go of and forgeting the past two days of arguments were really freeing, loving. It showed me how fast you can drop these heavy feelings.

3. When they actually supported me in my decision during high school to change the profile from biology-chemistry to math-science even though they hoped for me to be a doctor.

So there is a common theme in my childhood. I felt the most loved when I was free and supported to do what I want and I felt the worst when I couldn't do something because it was not right or I did not good enough to earn something.

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Loved: I used to love Ancient Egypt as a child, way before I learned how to read. I remember how I made my mother buy me books / magazines about it and read them for me on my bed. I felt loved and appreciated for who I am and she encouraged me to explore. 

Unloved: I had maybe more than 25 issues of National Geographic magazine before I was 9. I didn't care if they were "advanced" for my age, I loved everything about them. My mother told me she was going to gift them to the neighbor's daughter who was 6-7 years older than me. I felt betrayed, extremely disappointed and couldn't figure out why would she even think that was appropriate to give out my precious collection like this. I'm still angry. 

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When I was a child there was only love, from my mother and my grandmother, who loved me tenderly, and from my father, who took me to the nature, to the sea, taught me how to use tools and explained the mysteries of the universe, and histories about risk and death that I loved.  At school I loved my friends, the teachers, everything, I was an excellent student. my cousin was like my brother, we were always together playing in the nature, having adventures. When I turned 9, my father, sick with cancer, was cured but he became an alcoholic, full of anger, he insulted me, he insulted my mother, he left home, to live abroad, things went step by step from love to the opposite. He seriously intimidated me by making fun of me every time he saw me, but same time selling me that he was great, a real narc. getting in the shower with me and saying that i had a disgusting body and a small penis while he was posturing and saying that he had a perfect body, when I was 11...many crazy things, hate. I think he got crazy, smoking 80 cigarettes/day when throat cancer at 39 y.o. Some years later he died, and my mother same like 3 years before. I couldn't remember my mother for many years, every thought about her make me a shame dump.

  With 18 approx my life was zero love, addiction, real hell, mental sickness, but the memory of the early days gave me the inspiration and the strength to return to love, to solve the maze. a good adventure, as it should be in a human

Edited by Breakingthewall

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I grew up without a dad and so when I was a young boy my grandpa used to fight with me, play ball, teach me about politics/conflict/society, show me how to take a leak in nature xD I always loved visiting him and it made me not worry about not having a dad :)


"Behold, I teach you the Übermensch. The Übermensch is the meaning of the earth. Let your will say: the Übermensch shall be the meaning of the earth!"

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1 hour ago, Arthogaan said:

I had a lot of toxic arguments with my mom. I am sure she had bipolar disorder or something like that, she had the uncoditional love side and narcisistic toxic side to her.

BP is not a personality disorder.


Intrinsic joy is revealed in the marriage of meaning and being.

 

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I had total freedom as a child. I was allowed to be outdoor as long as I wanted. My parents never forced me to become something.

We had no rules at home. Come and eat whenever I wanted.

Failed math hard in elementary school and could not get into high school but had full support to pursue what I wanted.

My dad was cheap but I remember wanting an expensive electric car toy so bad that he actually stole it to make me happy.

I was raised to love and treat all humans equally no matter skin color, ethnicity, or any finical matter. Poor or rich doesn't matter. This made me feel loved and love for reality.

Overall, it felt like I was an independent child who had total control of my life and choices.

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Made me feel loved:

  • All the funny stuff and activities we did together as a family
  • My mom telling me she loves me and often singing me to sleep
  • In the summers at out cottage, my dad waking me up early in the morning to pull up the fishing nets (just the two of us)
  • Getting Christmas gifts. I loved toys as a little kid. Later I started loving video games. I genuinely loved games, but also they helped me to cope through periods when things at home didn't go so well. My mom buying me games I told I'd love to have made me feel loved
  • My oldest sister caring for me and my younger sister when it was tough at home
  • My foster mom reading me bed stories and petting my head till I fell asleep
  • Spending time in nature, taking care of the farm and the animals with my foster mom
  • My foster mom constantly telling me how proud of me she is. I could see it in her eyes how much she meant it. Also all the unconditional emotional support I got from her and the wisdom she shared with me. Even at her deathbed she kept encouraging me

Made me feel unloved:

  • All the instability at home, all the fighting and arguments between my parents that were occasionally directed to me too. Also all the ignorance that was connected to that
  • My family not being particularly interested in my dreams and not really supporting my eagerness to thrive, or appreciating my results (especially in sports and school)

Now that I can introspect and understand my childhood, even though I used to have resentment towards my family, I really can't hold stuff against them, especially my mother. Considering all the struggle she went through herself. She did great, and couldn't have done any better.

Damn this brought up emotions. Have had to take distance from my family for years now and my dear foster mom died from cancer little over a year ago. Miss her a lot.

 

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Childhood wounds part 1 (feeling loved part) 

❤️The good part 

Things that made me feel loved. 

Childhood wounds part 2 will deal with things that made me feel unloved. 

 

(specific things are at the end of the post) 

 

This topic is extremely serious and personal to me, not sure whether I should even participate. It can bring my wounds to the surface. This shit cuts, deep, deeper and is extremely challenging emotionally. 

But if my deepest experiences help enlighten others, then I'm ready for it.

 

I don't remember being loved by my Mother. Any physical affection she might have shown is either erased from my memory or stopped when I was 3.

 

Our neighbors were cruel and jealous and would do little things to harm our family like starting conflicts or let their children throw things at me. Most of my neighborhood kids bullied me after being coached by their parents. 

My mother was a restless woman suffering Manic Bipolar and showed traits of narcissism. My father was passive and rarely stepped in if she was being ruthless. 

Her behavior is what made me feel unloved and completely destroyed my family. 

Things that my father did that made me feel loved. 

:xOne day I remember my dad taking me to the store and my eyes took fancy to a little white teddy bear plush toy. I told my dad that I wanted it. My dad was dirt poor and it was expensive and my dad told me that I can't have it. When we got back home from the store, I cried profusely because I really liked that teddy. My dad sat there and watched me and then kinda shrugged a bit and relented. He then said that he would go back to the store, pay the money and get me the teddy bear. And he did that. A short while later I was playing with the bear, I was 4 years old. I had thrown a massive fit to get this bear. And I really appreciated my dad being kind enough to not think too much about the money.

I remember my dad frequently taking me to ice cream stores and buying me popsicles, lollipops, candies, ice-creams, anything I wanted. 

:xHe would regularly take me to the market when I was barely 6 years old and show me around on his bike, take me to stores, buy me things, hold my hand while walking, constantly keep a watch over me and teach me how to talk to people, or how to be safe. He was extremely protective of me. 

 

:xHe would come home from work and then take me to the store and next he would take me to a nearby temple to teach me how to pray to God. We were Hindu. Temple was a place of prayer. 

:xI remember him taking me to the beach every 2 weeks and letting me play with the waves meanwhile he would walk along the shore keeping a watch over me in the hot sun. If I found a sea shell I would run to him excitedly, "Daddy, I found this."  (specific memory when I was 7\8 years old.) 

:xWhen I was 6 years old, my dad used to drop me to school and hide behind a church wall (the church was in the backyard of the school), and then he would watch me till I reached the classroom door and then looked back at him and he would wave at me from the corner.

:xOne day I remember when I was 12. I was sitting in the school library reading a science fiction book. I was absent minded and I forgot that my dad had come to the school to pick me up. I was busy reading and left the library an hour later. My dad kept frantically looking for me for over an hour, me being blissfully unaware. And then I randomly began to walk home and toward the nearest bus stop to catch a bus. And I heard my name being called. I turned around and it was my dad. He was crying profusely, tears rolling down his cheeks. I was clueless and I asked him, "daddy what's the matter?" 

And he said, "I had been looking for you everywhere (Preety) and I thought you went missing. Why didn't you call me and tell me where you were? I was dying with worry." 

That was the first time I realized how much he cared for me and how a parent felt not knowing where their child went. I felt his protective nature as a father. 

 

:xOn my 15th birthday, he got me a cat as a gift. He told me he knew how crazy I was about cats.. The cat was sadly murdered by my jealous neighbors within 2 months and I went into shock. 

My dad passed away shortly after that  from cardiac arrest which traumatized me for the rest of my life thereafter. His last words to me very - "try to live no matter what." 

I'll always remember that he wanted me to live for him. 

 

Edited by Preety_India

INFJ-T,ptsd,BPD, autism, anger issues

Cleared out ignore list today. 

..

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Childhood wounds part 2 (feeling unloved) 

The bad part 

The bad part involved my abusive, controlling, emotionally unavailable dismissive, narcissistic, bipolar mother. 
 
Here we go - 
—she would constantly start a fight with my dad over nothing, almost nothing but it seemed as though she always needed some kind of stimulation. My dad telling her how much he cares almost had no effect on her.
—I used to come home from school/kindergarten and I was as little as 5\6 years old and I used to see my mother yelling, screaming and fighting with my dad.
—there was constant fighting throughout the day, it created a lot of emotional stress, worry, tension and nervousness, anxiety that was completely invisible to my mother, it's like it never mattered how I felt. 
-My mother used to hit me often. She was physically abusive and violent. 
One day I was reading and I was feeling anxious and I wasn't ready to go out and buy bread which was her command. She came to me and grabbed the book and hit on my head with the book. 
--my mother normalized abuse of every kind. 
-- not being heard 

- my mother never hugged me even once for more than 20 years. It hurt very deeply that she prevented me any kind of physical affection making me feel abandoned and unwanted 

- No one cared about who I was, what I liked or wanted, how I wanted to live. It was never about me but always about my mother. Everything was to be done was to serve her purpose. I felt less like a child and more like a slave. 

.. 

- Being beaten/hit by my mother to  submission , I could never be myself in front of her. I could never tell her what I wanted. I felt oppressed like a kidnapped victim. 

— I cried almost regularly in silence and cried myself to sleep on the regular. 

— I was neglected emotionally for prolonged periods of time with my mother always watching TV even when I was crying in the background and I was just a little child 

.. 

—there was constant noise, loud yelling and tension in the home 

—my mom would ridicule me in front of others 

—one day she even made me undress in front of my dad and I was barely 12 years old, that event traumatized me. 

— there was zero privacy and she used to creep into my room whenever and however she liked. She would throw out my favorite things in the dumpster and I used to feel very violated.

—she was very controlling and I could not even drink from my favorite cup without her permission.

— I was constantly picked on by my mother virtually over everything. She was literally a bully and sociopath 

— my teachers used to love me and find me a sweet child. But at home, my mom used to make me feel like a criminal.. It made me averse and resistant to any kind of criticism as an adult. 

— if I ever wanted anything, it was met with negativity, dismissal and hostility. 

.. 

— she would pinch me, pull my hair and make fun of it. She would buy me uncomfortable tight clothes. Refuse me makeup. Make fun of my acne or pimples

— she would force me to work extra time. If I didn't clean something her way, then she'd start name calling. She would call me a loser almost every day. I would break out in tears and my pain was stimulating to her.

—she would inspect each and every object I had on the table or closet. If there was something missing in her room, she would accuse me of stealing it.

.. 

— I was made to feel guilty if I wanted to look beautiful. 

— if I called a friend she would snatch my phone rudely and ask me to stop calling people or friends 

— I was not allowed to go out without her permission 

— she would say that I turned out like my dad as an insult 

— she would call me crazy, insane, and often tell me that she would have been happiest if she had aborted me (this was frequently said when I was between the ages of 12 to 16)

 

Edited by Preety_India

INFJ-T,ptsd,BPD, autism, anger issues

Cleared out ignore list today. 

..

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Hey Leo, thanks for this thread. I had to actually dig into my past and found many memories I haven't recalled in a long time. And I had to process them now and really contemplate why I felt loved.

A thread like this is great because 1) one has to introspect deeply and be honest with themselves and then 2) one can also read other people's stories which is valuable in the sense that we can fill in the pieces - after all, we are blind to most things others experienced, because we haven't experienced them ourselves. So when we hear each other's stories, we can see reality more clearly. I was touched by many of them. And we can all understand the nature of love more clearly, together.

For me personally, this is also quite a bonding experience. I read all your stories and I smile :) I love it. 

Maybe we could make more of these threads ❤️ To understand reality better. 

Sure, solitary contemplation is great. But now I feel like contemplation together with quality, wise beings is even better :P I could make such threads myself, but I don't know, people generally respond more (and put more thought) when someone more "authoritative" does it.

9 hours ago, T_i_m said:

@puporing finally, a normal family. I was getting envious reading all those heart-warming stories from others

Well, people in here mostly focus their investigation on the good stuff, good memories. The question is about what made you feel love.

It's not the whole picture, obviously.


You don't have to like everyone. You just have to love them.

This account is no longer active. New account is @Sincerity

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Leo doing qualitative research :D


Intrinsic joy is revealed in the marriage of meaning and being.

 

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All of this would be about age 2-4

 

  • I would fake being asleep on purpose so that my dad would carry me into bed. It was a very cozy experience to have someone you absolutely trust physically pick your tiny and fragile body and snug you into bed. Almost ASMR feeling. 
  • The biggest one was being " A good boy " for sure. Being  polite, quiet, never making a scene and always doing what I was told. Guests would come by and marvel at how well behaved I was compared with other kids. ( this backfired in many ways in the future ?) 
  • My mother asking me if I want to go with her to the neighbors house to play with her kid. Being asked instead of forced or dragged made me feel appreciated. 
  • So apparently my old house was built on top of a cemetery and it was haunted. Many weird experiencest across all family members. Once I woke up in the middle of the night alone and saw a ghost -a young girl with super long hair curled into a ball laying on my brothers bed. I was so scared I sprinted out of my bedroom into my parents bed.  I said nothing and they asked nothing. Total acceptance and safety in one moment. It may be an ilusion but it felt real. 
  • Absolutely carefree free-playing with my older sibling. In the garden, with our rabbits, video games or in the snow... Sometimes he would abuse his physical superiority though . 
  • That time my parents gave me a bowl of blueberries sprinkled with sugar for the first time ever. The flavor was so amazing it felt likr heaven. I was like a" Im allowed to eat such delicacy?????????????? , such a strong contrast with other bland foods. Absolutely blew my mind. 

Some things that made me feel unloved :

  • My parents force feeding me dinner when I didn't like it. I used to cry and get shut off and very hurt. They telling me that they work for it and i don't appreciate it. Looking back my body just knew it was garbage. Or i was just stubborn lol. 
  • My mom yelling at me for stealing cookies before dinner.  It's been about 21 years and I still remember it vividly. 
  • Being angry at my parents for forcing me to go to the neighbours pool with them but for some reason i really wanted to stay at ours. I was really pissed and upset, till the point where I had my first experience of consciousness. I zoomed out of myself and noticed that " Anger is being experienced . What was hurtful was being forced and my opinion not being respected.
  • In polish there is this staying that goes " Dzieci i ryby głosu nie mają" Which literally means that kids and fish dont have a voice " As in " kids have 0 decisión making authority" . It made feel not appreciated but they kept repeating it throughout my whole youth. 
  • I didn't know how to go to the bathroom on my own and always wanted someone to go with me. I used to pee my pants here and there because of it. Sometimes no one wanted to go with me and it was the worst feeling. Or my brother talking down on me telling me to grow up.  I actually consistently peed my pants for the first week or two of school when I came to Spain because I didn't know how to ask to go to the bathroom. But eventually the teacher noticed and she called an older kid that spoke polish to tell me what I need to ask. We ended up being friends and they invited me and my parents over. Then my parents told me to careful because they are jews and they can't be trusted and I was astonished that I didn't know they were jews!! How could I not know that before!! ( I had no idea what a jew is or why is it suposed to be bad lol but I was ashamed. 
Edited by mmKay

Aggressively Ignorant Certified Lazy Skeptic and Armchair Philosopher - Founder of "Stop the Toad Molesters" // Heavy Metal Detox Journal

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