Leo Gura

What Made You Feel Love As A Child?

89 posts in this topic

Playing Worms 2 with my dad. What a fond memory. I felt really loved.

Wrestling with my dad for fun, in a playful way.

My parents paying for my paid membership in a game I was in love with. The game was a big part in my life. I loved it so much I was studying English passionately just so I could understand it well. I was given the freedom to play and I felt loved because of that. I also have a memory of my mom trying to help me with some problem I had with the game (didn't collect an item I wanted, so she drew it for me :)), another one of printing some colored wallpaper from the game for me - I was so excited.

My mom brought a cat to our house one day :) And after a bit of convincing, my dad accepted it. I always wanted to have a cat and when we got it, I was so so happy. Also, really I've always been giving my cat a lot of love and she's been giving it back to me. She still does and I still feel loved by her, even more than these years ago.

I felt loved when I was given attention. When I was played with. When I was helped and taken care of. When my will was being honored (to play my game, to have a cat, etc.)

Good memories. 


You don't have to like everyone. You just have to love them.

This account is no longer active. New account is @Sincerity

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I felt loved whenever people would spend quality time with me. That ranged from my mom watching TV with me, my dad and I sneaking out to get ice cream, and my uncle riding his bike with me and taking me to the park to play tennis. Even if it was just running errands, I still enjoyed tagging along and helping my family out. I just enjoyed people being present with me. 

I also felt loved when people would play silly little games with me. I was a very hyper active child so I needed to be pretty active or else I was prone to get cranky. It could range from playing pretend, making up stories, or playing practical jokes on people. I think I just really needed that outlet to help me grow as a child. Definitely helped me be more creative early on. 

Finally, I loved it when people would cuddle with me. I loved it when I could cuddle up with my grandmother and she would tell me stories of the ways that my dad got into trouble as a little kid. Another time I remember was when I liked taking naps with my dad and I would curl up next to him.  I think a lot of this had to do with the rest of my family being relatively touchy feely and just an abundance of physical affection was shown to me and my cousins and as a result I got socialized accordingly. 

Now that I actually think about it, I don't think much has changed. I would say that my love language is close tie between physical touch and quality time. I also generally need people who are going to challenge me intellectually and creatively while still having a light hearted air about it both on a platonic and romantic level as well. So I think if I were to sum it up in a sentence, the things that would make me feel loved includes being present (physically and emotionally) and allowing yourself to grow in a fun way at your own pace. 


Head empty, no thoughts, just vibes ^_^

https://www.theupwardspiral.blog/

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Posted (edited)

The deepest love I received from my parents was them making me feel special and gifted.  They made me feel like a hero to them, and they would engage in fantasy play with me as a kid.  

I think a big thing was trust.  I felt like I could trust my parents and they could trust me.  

However, it was different with my sister.  My parents making me feel special and gifted ended up making me become an asshole in my life.  My high self-efficacy turned into narcissism.  Narcissism definitely plagued my psyche throughout my life until my freshman year in college.  The specific ways that it backfired was I was always competing with everyone, which led me to have hardly any friends.  My sister wanted to spend time with me as a kid, but I was so competitive that I kind of drove her away.  

To this day, I have a great relationship with my sister, and this is in part because I have changed such that I was more open and humble about my flaws and mistakes, and I started to make other people feel special and gifted like the way I felt.  Some ways that I did this was through magic tricks.  I initially did tennis and magic for selfish reasons.  Magic was to help me to make friends in school, but I eventually did magic because I liked how I could make people feel. This led me on to getting a master's degree in mental health counseling as an existential therapist.

But in my childhood, my parents gave me everything that I wanted really.  I was spoiled, but I had deep respect and listened to their wisdom.  I think what helped me to respect them the most was the fact that I knew they respected and loved me.  I always felt accepted and belonged.  I felt so accepted by my parents that when I went on to Boy Scout campy, I became homesick because I missed my parents.  

Some of the small things that made me feel accepted and loved was the fact that my parents would do literally everything for me.  My dad would always get me up in the morning and make me waffles, eggs, pancakes, etc.  My dad would take me out for tennis lessons, trumpet lessons, etc.  My mom would support me as well.  Looking back, I realized that I spent a lot of time with my dad, and I wished I had spent more time with my mom.  My mom's job was not as flexible though so that complicated things.  Whenever I was sick, my dad would take off work to care for me.

The deepest love I received and still receive is having all my needs provided to me.  I feel so deeply loved by my parents that I still live with them today.  I have never left my home because it feels so much like home.  A downside to all of this is that my parents never taught me how to be independent.  Like I said, I was spoiled, but I was taught that my opportunities given were a privilege, and I was taught to have gratitude and good manners.  What helped me understand this was being exposed to a variety of cultures throughout my life.

Ever since I was around 9 years old, my family would go to Mexico every year.  We experienced great delights, but I also remember seeing the poverty that people had to live through.  This helped me to gain more appreciation of what I had.  My parents also showed me great love by the education that they gave me.  They told me at an early age what sex and drugs were about and to avoid them.  My dad shared with me many of his mistakes.  He was so vulnerable with me about his stupid errors that made me respect him and listen to him.  I learned a lot of what not to do from my dad's stories.  

With my mom, she advocated for me all throughout school because of my ADHD.  I could sense how much my mom cared for me by her being assertive to make sure I was treated fairly at school.  I felt like both my mom and dad had my back, and I could always go to them for help.  I typically go to my mom for emotional problems, as she is a therapist herself.  My mom and my dad have always empowered me and highlighted my strengths such as being passionate, ambitious, hard worker, etc.  They have always encouraged me to succeed in my dreams.  I had dreams of being a professional tennis player and trumpet player at around age 11-12.  My parents showed me love by encouraging me to fulfill my dreams, and they never told me I could not achieve my dreams.  I know some parents may discourage their kids, saying "you will never amount to that ..., etc."  In addition, they helped me reframe many negative experiences I have had into positive ones.  Having ADHD and being held back in school were some struggles I was faced with and embarrassed by initially, but my parents had me see my ADHD and being held back as strengths.

Other ways were my dad spending many nights helping me with my homework.  I realize now how much I took this for granted because after a long day of work, it can be hard to help a child with their school work.  What my mom and dad did to help me with my school work showed that I was worth their time.  I never felt like I wasn't worthy to them.  They always made me feel worthy by verbally expressing that they are proud of me for my accomplishments.  They were always quick to compliment.  

The big takeaway from this exercise for me is that I felt the most love from my childhood when my parents and sister treated me special with respect, provided my basic needs, recognized and highlighted my strengths, provided time for me, and encouraged me to follow and actualize my dreams.

I think a theory of love based off of the common themes of my childhood is that the deepest love comes from making others feel special.  Ways to do this are to highlight their strengths, express they are worthy of your time, and encourage them to be themselves and follow their dreams.  Just giving positive attention to someone is enough to make them feel special.

EDIT: Love to me boils down to making other people feel like they can be themselves around you, as well as helping others to bring about the best in themselves.  This first starts with me being authentic first but authenticity is another matter entirely to contemplate.

 

Edited by r0ckyreed

Keep Growing! Stay Wise! - Wisdom Mastery: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCZCVZgpDDaBM_muhYKKbWng

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As a child, I felt love when I was part of a tribe. Whether it my my family, or my religion (Shi’ite Islam). Hanging out with people in my tribe; my family or religion, made me feel comfortable, safe, affirmed, and loved. My best memories as a child was visiting my Grandparents apartment in Russia and being surrounded by people of the same bloodline and religion  while we, the dozen of us, were crammed in that small apartment surrounding a dinner table, eating from our culturally familiar food and talking about our culturally familiar things.

 

My tribe later evolved as a grew older. My tribe later in high school became the robotics club, it was a club were we programmed robots. I still had my Shia Islam tribe, but now I had a new tribe. I loved this club, my best memory was the time the school ran out of bus passes (the club was after school, so you could take the bus home, but you had to have a pass), so to compensate, the guy who taught us coding gave us a ride home in his personal car. It was so fun. I was diagnosed with depression that year, and I just remember my depressive symptoms evaporating as we were all gossiping and laughing in that car ride. When I got home, I even paused for a moment because I was so aghast at how my depressive symptoms just vanished.

 

 

 

 

 

 

! أَشْهَدُ أَنْ لَا إِلَٰهَ إِلَّا ٱللَّٰهُ وَأَشْهَدُ أَنَّ مُحَمَّدًا رَسُولُ ٱللَّٰهِ وَأَشْهَدُ أَنَّ عَلِيًّا وَلِيُّ ٱللَّٰهِ


أشهد أن لا إله إلا الله وأشهد أن ليو رسول الله

*This account is no longer active as the user has decided to leave the forum*

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1 hour ago, Leo Gura said:

What behaviors of theirs created acceptance within you?

Just like respect from them. 

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one of my earliest memories, I was given a dinosaur-toy as gift when I had mumps as a kid. when I thought about of the significance of that to me I came up with these reasons:

It met my needs of being appreciated, loved and cared for. It made me feel cared for as if I'm an important part of a 'group' - I guess in this case that would be my family-  that listens to me and take care of me and doesn't neglect my needs. This was probably one of my earliest encounter with suffering as a human-being, I probably didn't know how to deal with it and what was happening, I remember being concerned and anxious, I was probably 4.

Receiving that gift, I felt like I wasn't alone, and that I don't need to fear being un-loved or un-cared for. Someone (my mom) knew that I needed 'something' I myself didn't know or imagined I wanted/needed, assumed the role of a care-giver and preformed on it. I really appreciated that toy, it stayed with me for a long time and I held on to it, didn't get bored with it fast like any other toy. It held a special meaning for me. 
I immediately remembered that memory when I looked for the earliest and most direct time that I really felt my mother and father's love, actually I'm sure my parents where taking care of me at that point, but giving me that gift was like the perfect icing on the cake.

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Posted (edited)

(I wish I had more to say in the feeling loved section, and not turn this into some sort of “list of grievances”, but nevertheless this was how I experienced growing up in my family)

----

Things that made me feel loved...

- Being given healthy food generally, my basic survival was taken care of

- Being worried about when I got injured

- Rare instances of recognition of my character that they liked, moments where I felt seen

- My parents decision to move abroad because they hoped our lives would improve (this later I realized gave me the opportunity for liberation from them and the culture they had come from and to discover spirituality).

-----

Things that made me feel unloved...


- Most of everything felt conditional, whatever my mom did was to get emotional support, be her submissive punch bag, and to get things/attention from me, if I failed this criteria hostility ensues

- Constant fighting (and temporary separations) between my parents that turn violent, made me feel like the stress, worry, and sadness it kept causing in me were invisible to them, I became more and more hopeless about living with them which only ceased few years after I moved out.

- Forced to lie about how things really were in my family to others, speech suppression, pretend normal, I felt like an actor that didn’t know I was acting

- Not being heard

- Used everything I’ve got emotionally to "mediate" my parents relationship time after time to no avail and dismissed each time, my efforts felt wasted

- No one cared about who I am, what I liked, how I wanted to live. It was never about me but always about them and their problems

- No one cared about my feelings, negative feelings were met with hostility, I cried alone often in silence to avoid conflict

- Being beaten as a little kid to submission a few times and I learned quickly that it was not safe to be myself or have desires that “inconvenienced” my mom

- Blamed and treated like a burden whenever I got sick, especially when money is involved like dental work

- Monitored and controlled with everything I do, then judged and harassed for what I do or not do in a way my mom liked me to

- No privacy, my mom felt entitled to barge into my room whenever she felt like, if I tried to enforce privacy she starts a fight with me


- Cannot ever please the parents, criticized and picked apart for little things that irritate mom, despite being generally loved by my teachers and always been a top student

- Not allowed to have fun, like playing video games with friends (I did anyway under stress/whatever limited amounts), watch too much anime, etc.

- My moments of pride were met with hostility if it felt threatening to them (like when I first built my PC, my dad threatened to break it because I played some games on it).

- My dreams, goals and purpose in life did not matter

- My appearance was picked apart often and needing to be fixed, this made me insecure for the longest time and depressed about dating

- Yelled at and called names frequently for not agreeing to every demand from mom and this became more and more of a problem as I got older

- Shamed for any sign of my sexuality starting to express, restricted in my social interactions, made me depressed about being a sexual being and suppressing myself by continuing to wear childish clothes around them

- My parents ganging up on me whenever there's a conflict (like with my mom), no one sided with me, I felt that I had no allies or someone I can trust/count on

- Sexual gazes from my dad which were unwelcomed but I could not get away from, this made me feel disrespected and violated

(To anyone reading, I am mostly healed now and feel liberated, recounting these things still gives me a visceral feeling but I no longer identify with my past as much as I used to or let it get to me ;) )

Edited by puporing

"We're all born naked and the rest is drag." - RuPaul ❣ Nothing but love.

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@Leo Gura 

I got measles and was home for weeks, the whole town knew about it and it was in the papers. the school I went to was even closed down for a few weeks too. Then when I got to school the other kids didn't want to come near me because they knew I had been the one who was sick.

Then my best friend who was also the most popular kid, took his hand and rubbed it in my hair then took the same hand and rubbed it in his hair in front of everyone to show them that I wasn't dangerous to be around, then everyone stopped avoiding me. this was when I was about 7.

This made me feel loved for obvious reasons, I can't think of any real unique reason why this would. Maybe cause I wasn't sure how much he liked me beforehand so him doing that seemed to be conformation.

Also being fast and having other kids admire me for being good at sports Madde me feels loved, because I felt better than them maybe idk.

My mom used to put a lot of time and effort into my birthday parties, whenever other kids would come over they were surprised at how fun they were and I noticed that she did all of that for me so that made me feel loved because I felt like I was the centre of her world.

Something that made me feel unloved was when my dad told me that if I were to become a pornstar he wouldn't want me living with him, this made me feel like his love was very conditional. 

 

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1 hour ago, Roy said:

I can't remember if it was because I provoked him or something else, but I remember my sister came to defend me from him even though I didn't really get along with her and was probably making her job harder than it had to be.

there was this one old kid who used to bother me in the neighborhood, so my two cousins who where his age carried me up and had me do liu kang-bicycle kick from mortal combat on him as a joke xD

I was probably a brat and a caused them a headache, but they had my back and wouldn't let anyone else mess with me.

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I grew up with a single mother, and one thing I remember is that she always provided for me and gave me everything I needed, and I was never wanting for anything. Even beyond basic necessities, she would buy me toys and other things I wanted all the time, and when I look back I am really grateful for all of that considering that she raised me alone and she didn't always have much money.

I was grateful for those things, but I wouldn't say they contributed much to the love I felt as a child. I think all of the love I felt came from some sort of emotional connection. When I think about times that I felt love as a child, I think of quality time I spent with my mum and family, but specifically times where I just really enjoyed it and felt really close with them, times where we were happy or laughing and I felt really connected to them and really loved.

Other things I can remember that made me feel loved where times where I would get hurt or upset, and I would be crying, and my mum would be there for me and comfort me. That would always make me feel really loved and safe.

Of course that didn't always happen, hence my trauma and emotional issues lol, so I think seeing how much it destroys you inside as a child to not get the love you need when you are facing some sort of distress, that's what really makes you feel the least loved as a child, and so I would say that the inverse of that is also true - your parents loving and embracing every part of who you are, and always being there for you when you are hurt, showing you that its completely okay to feel the way you're feeling, that feels like the most loving thing. The love you feel is never really about anything external, it's about your parent's love and embrace of you for who you are.

To the degree that my mum/family did do these things, that's what made me feel the most loved. Emotional support and recognition/approval of certain qualities I had.


"We are born of Love, Love is our mother" - Rumi

My YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC9vkQMt-MlvK9Xvnf-Ji

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@puporing finally, a normal family. I was getting envious reading all those heart-warming stories from others

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1 minute ago, T_i_m said:

@puporing finally, a normal family. I was getting envious reading all those heart-warming stories from others

Yes perhaps, but not something to aspire to I hope 9_9.


"We're all born naked and the rest is drag." - RuPaul ❣ Nothing but love.

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I don't think I'd ever felt that kind of love during childhood. Always felt used and manipulated by love/fear rather than being loved for who I was, even though I didn't know exactly how at the time. I always felt wrong growing up, like there's something inherently wrong with me. I don't think many people grew up differently, though I think they might still be under the illusion that they did. I think having good intuition is what separates me from the rest who think they've actually been loved. But I don't know.

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Posted (edited)

All my parents could do for me is provide for me materially. I was a quiet inquisitive kid, that did not fit in. When they allowed me to purchase a video game, a toy or some fast food, it felt as close to love as they could provide because, I knew I would be enjoying myself as a result. It never seemed like they had the wisdom to provide me with anything deeper than that.

In all honesty, @Leo Gura was a better father figure than my own father. It wasn't until listening to your audio (and that of the more popular sage types) that allowed me a type of mind autonomy and insight that I never found from any of my family, friends, nor teachers. A very real sense of mutual understanding. A type of understanding that was telling me "You are not crazy, and here's why". That is when I really could get down with the concept of love, as something more than just my lower self.

 

Edited by Rokazulu

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Posted (edited)

For me as a child (as young as 4 or 5), love was always felt in being accepted and praised by my peers. I was always rejected and ignored by my family. So, when school started i was immediately into pleasing everyone and getting their acceptance. Problem was that i always had trouble fitting in so i had to find other ways to get approval. this happened by acting stupid and doing wild things that other kids would never have done. this always got everyone looking at me and smiling and accepting me and laughing with me which was the first acceptance and love I ever knew. Because it continued to be the way I knew how to get love, things got out of hand very quickly (go figure). I was getting suspended, and police had threatened to arrest me all by 3rd grade(8 and 9 years old). When my friends saw that the police took me into the principles office i received a ton of attention and "wow!" looks. i actually almost felt like they were proud of me, which was another first for me so it actually outwieghed my huge fear of being arrested so young. I ate this feeling up and continued getting into trouble and doing tings to shock people even into adulthood.

It wasn't until recently that i had realized the unconscious reasons I had doing all of the things that got me in legal trouble and made life actually much worse was because I had been conditioned by the events of life to think that that was how i would receive love. Once i became a teenager and adult and people no longer gave me that attention and feeling of praise just for being silly and wild i had to up the craziness which inevitably led to my downfall. This became very clear to me all at once one day after going through your "uncovering childhood vows" episode, thanks for helping me figure this out @Leo Gura.

Its amazing. SO much suffering and jail time and much more as a child, teen and adult and I understand now why I made these choices. Being an idiot was how I taught myself to feel loved since a child. I just wanted to feel loved, crazy really.

Being shamed, embarrassed, Scolded, looked down on or treated like a burden are the things that made me feel worthless/UNloved.

As for under the age of 5 I don't really know. working on that

Edited by Adodd

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Posted (edited)

What made me feel really loved was when my parents took care of me while I was sick. I wasn't always nice to my parents. Sometimes I would disagree with them or get angry with them. The fact that they would be there to care for me while I was sick in bed and could barely move meant a lot to me, cause it shows that they still care for me when I'm vulnerable, despite what disagreements we had before. It makes me wish that I wasn't so harsh with them before. 

I also felt loved when I would get lunches for school. It might be a small thing, but they did have to wake up early and plan an entire meal for me, and that takes work, so I really appreciated that. I think it is a pretty selfless thing to do, making an entire lunch just for one person. Seeing the care and attention in the food felt very cute and loving to me. I think my parents were also struggling with a lot of things during that time, so seeing them make lunches and stuff in spite of that felt very loving.

And also, just food in general. Coming back home and having all these elaborate dishes prepared, no effort from me, but my parents would be spending all that time in the kitchen making it. It's like, here is all this food, you don't have to do anything, just enjoy it. That felt very loving.

Edited by Osaid

 "If you showed a caveman our technology, he would think it was magic. And if you showed a modern man magic, he would think it was technology." - Outlast (video game)

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Posted (edited)

My love of my father. Out of all the people in my life, his love and affection has shaped me the most as a person. He and my mum split up when I was very young but he always went out of his way to be apart of mine and my sisters' lives without fail. I remember just about every weekend of my childhood we stayed at his and my step-mums and every Sunday before we went back home, he used to take us to see our late grandmother. My mother was and still is an emotionally unstable woman, so every time he picked us up it was a pleasant escape. He's the embodiment a family man, devoted father and grandfather, and to this day he's still a prominent figure in our life's.

Some of my favourite childhood memories are specifically with him. Whether it us going to London for the day, going on a roller coaster together or playing local multiple player on Halo: CE when it was new... God, I feel really old, but regardless my most cherished memories include him somehow or another. 

And of course, there was a time when I genuinely believed he was the smartest guy in the entire world. What little kid wouldn't think that of their dad, I can assure when I found out that wasn't the case my disappointment was immeasurable but I think I got over it rather quickly, ahah.

His own father was a really abusive piece of crap who left him and the rest of the family at an early age to back to his native country. From what I was told, he used to violently beat my aunts and uncles regularly and one time he poured boiling hot water on my grandmother's back when she didn't cook him a dinner properly. Luckily my dad was spared from his violence but he can vividly remember a time when seen my granddad beat one of my uncle's so viciously that to quote him directly, he seen the Devil in his eyes.

I think because of his traumatic childhood (he also grew up dirt poor and there were times he went to bed hungry) and the fact his own dad was never there after that made him make sure he wouldn't do the same with his own children, and he's done a fantastic job.

I can't fathom how important he is how is to my life. I'd say half of my development as a person came directly from his continuing presence and devotion as a father, without him I don't I would be nearly as well adjusted and emotionally stable as I am now.

Edited by BeHereNow

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I honestly can’t seem to answer that, even though I had extremely loving parents.

My engineer dad used to draw me a diagram of whatever contraption that I was interested in when I was around 2-4 years old. Boat motors, etc. Explaining the stuff to me in detail just to the degree he thought and observed that I understood (I’ve been told things that lead to to believe my parents and their friends thought I was an exceptionally gifted child). Tons of other things but interestingly that actually sticks out the most. But it’s more the context this took place in. Just a air of something like non-resistance + open-mindedness.

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Oh well, Leo.

That's a great task to start my day.lol

So... I dont remember much from my childhood but

Most of the memos are with my mother. She used to take care of us and was a hard working woman as well. Still is. Used to take care of us all the time and didn't have time for herself. Always in the run. I was looking forward for her to return home as I was a child, I was waiting to hear the keys ringing.  Taking care of us, helping us with homework everyday, going to the cinema or theatre together. Always by our side when sick. A loving memory is when she was saying goodnight and covering us with the blanket. I sometimes still want that. Or maybe a bar of chocolate after homework, I remember her saying only one because it's not for everyday. She supports healthy eating very much herself, rarely eats junk maybe once per year. 

My father was always emotionally and generally absent and still is.One loving memory is when it was Christmas he was recording us singing and mocking us at the same time. Another one, is that he still remembers our baby words and sometimes till now he's making fun of us. Lol that's probably it for him. 

My loving grandpa was the best thing that happened to me. He taught us how to be fair, polite and moral. He was the best person. He died at the age of 84. I wish he could live more. 

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Loved: When my mother would empathize with me really well if I got hurt or stung by a bee or something like that.

Unloved: When my parents were just absent and not involved in my life. Basically not being there giving advise, support and guidance.


“Everything is honoured, but nothing matters.” — Eckhart Tolle.

"I have lived on the lip of insanity, wanting to know reasons, knocking on a door. It opens. I've been knocking from the inside." -- Rumi

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