The Authentic Path.

[Realms of Wonder]

This Journey will be one of pain, discovery, joy, disgust, overcoming, healing, Love, and at the core... Truth.

 

Where to begin?

 

My deepest fear, is to live my life, look back on it from my death bed, and know in my heart I lived a life of falsehood and lies, that I never discovered and created who I REALLY am. My deepest fear is to Live my whole life as someone I am not, to waste this gift of life, as a hollow husk of  myself.

 

But how does one become their self?

How do I become who I am?

Surely it cant be that complicated, surely I must know myself, because I am myself... Right? Maybe... Maybe not.

 

I lived most of my life as a approval addicted people pleaser, it was how I survived through my childhood, and.. it worked! I survived. but at what cost? at the cost of my authentic personality, desires, likes and dislikes, and at the cost of my relationship with myself.

 

At 18, in college, I came face to face with the horror of my inauthentic life that I had created. I was purposeless, I was scared, lost, alone, and most of all, without love of myself, or hope of life improving. At my lowest, I made a desperate move, to drop out of college and move back to California. I didn't know why at the time, but it felt right.

 

at 19, I took 1P-LSD with my brother for the first time, and had a mystical experience, one that rocked me to my core, I realized that life was bigger, huge in fact. and that the potential of life was up to me. I soon forgot what I had seen, but was introduced to Leo with Actualized.org. That, plus LSD, then Mushrooms, 4-Aco-DMT, catapulted me into  a realization. My life could be amazing,  it could be more than those around me, I could create a life purpose for myself, I Could impact the world, I could Change. and that... lead me to my 20's.

 

at 20, I realized I needed to move, why? because I wanted to grow, I Wanted to ever the umbilical cord from my family, I wanted to change. so I worked two jobs, saved up enough to move to Oregon. almost as soon as I arrived, I met a charismatic couple, that had a business offer for me, without trust in myself, and believing what they told me, I joined an MLM cult, (without realizing it of course.) I really tried to make it work for me, its a proven method, but it was not authentic. I could not do it. I worked a job full time, and went to meetings, I was working out at the time, making progress, but with a really toxic relationship with myself. at the time, trying to do too much at once, No fap and no porn, meditate, morning routine, read, work on my "business," work another job, then another to make enough to stay afloat. I would fall, get up, fall, get up, this yo-yo affect of extrinsic motivation, because I knew deep down, that this path was inauthentic. but I kept trying, and trying, all the way into 21.

 

At 21, I realized that I could not stay with this "business" (cult,) it was taking its toll on me, mentally I felt so fragmented, and so inauthentic, It was like torture. so I built up the courage to say "I quit." When they asked "Why?" I said "because This path is not authentic to who I am" they asked "What are you going to do instead?" I said "I dont know yet, but it has to do with music, and impacting the world. and it will be MY authentic path, not someone else's." Soon after, I had a realization, that I had been trying to do everything at once, instead of one at a time. so I made a commitment to myself,  "I will meditate once a day, for 90 days, then after that, add another habit, then another, and so on.." and so I did. and it WORKED! I stuck to it! after 90-100 days, I added Kriya yoga as a practice, which I did for over 4 months, until the frustration of not being able to do the ujjayi breath got to me, then I focused on humor practice, and so on. During this time, I also made a career change. I had mostly worked in kitchens as a cook up until the end of 2019, but I built a vision of working at Dutch Bros (a drive through coffee company with a strong culture) I followed through, and made it happen! I got hired! before I Started working there, I took my first Solo Retreat.

 

7 days, alone, no distractions. I faced myself like I had never done before, or since. it changed the entire course of my life, and gave me clarity I still benefit from today. And that lead me into 22.

 

At 22, working a customer service job, serving mostly young people, I got first hand experience of what other people my age go through, what they are focused on, what they want, what they eat, how they talk, etc.. I became very judgmental, thinking I Was better then them, because I ate healthier or didn't drink or party, but I also alienated myself with that same motion. so over time I learned to love people as they are. which is something I still work on to this day. In February of 2020, right around my birthday, I decided to start producing music on Ableton live. I had been talking about it, how important music was for me, how I wanted it to be my future career, so I decided to finally start. Covid hit a month later, so I got even more time to work on it, in April and may, I started learning how to flirt with girls, being deficient in that area for most of my life, I started learning about attraction, and trying things out on the multitudes of girls I saw every day at my job. I got rejected some, but got some girls numbers, went on dates, even got laid and a girlfriend, she was beautiful, but a toxic influence on me, stage blue/orange, closed minded and judgmental. I learned a ton from her. We stayed together till right before I turned 23. I kept making music, now releasing it on SoundCloud. In January of 2021, I got Covid, and was isolated for 10 or so days, so I decided to turn it into a solo retreat, no phone or electronics, and also decided to water fast during that time. I gained clarity into my life, and from that, decided to break up with my girlfriend, but stayed fwb. and this leads me to 23.

 

At 23, I realized that I wanted to earn more, so I got a second job, which became my full time job, and worked part time at the coffee shop, then... out of the blue, I was offered a job at the gym I worked out at, it all seemed so perfect! so I took the job, and quit both my other ones. I lasted 3 weeks before I quit. they were trying to force me to sell against my values, to manipulate people, and I got in trouble for the questions I was asking, so I quit! that same day I set up an interview with a summer camp in Pennsylvania, I had been a camp counselor in highschool and loved it, plus I wanted to get out of the state, and try something new. so I did, I worked in PA from 5/12/21-9/21/21, and what a fucking summer, I learned a lot, but I wont go into detail about it. on my return, I knew I wanted to take my music seriously  (now having invested 1500 hours into it) so I started an Instagram page, and released my first song on Spotify. I got a job working in a kitchen, and moved back to Oregon. In January, I got Covid again, and took another solo retreat, gaining more clarity, which lead me to my current age (24)

 

at 24, about a month ago. I decided to quit all social media (I was only on Instagram and YouTube) and move into a studio apartment. And so we arrive at the present. I tossed around the idea of not giving a backstory. and may delete it in the future, the focus of this thread is to show this journey, as it unfolds, not so much to show where I have been. but we shall see.

 

Currently I am struggling. even though I have consistent habits (morning walking + 40oz water, 30-40 minutes meditation, 30-60 minutes music creation/practice, 30 minutes reading/study) I feel like I am treading water, not making progress. without distractions from Instagram and YouTube, I have been contemplating things a lot, and its been really uncomfortable, I have notepads all over my apartment with questions, questions, questions. 

 

Here I am, all of me, this is my path. I hope you see yourself in it, I hope this empowers you to take the next step.  

 

Much Love,

 

Paul.

Edited April 27, 2022 by Realms of Wonder

[Realms of Wonder]

Why do I do the things I do?

 

Why am I attracted to those things that feel so good but hurt me in the long run?

 

Why do I run from the responsibilities that could changed my life?

 

Why do I play the subtle victim?

 

Why am I the way I am?

 

Today unfolded like a blanket held on one edge and flapped like a wave, I tried to think of what was beyond the crest of time, and failed. So I rode the wave instead. 

 

One of my newer co-workers, has dreams, though deeply mired in cultural norms and habits, he has dreams, even though he says he is afraid to ask questions because of the uncertainty it will bring. He still dreams. Of opening a Café, of having a better life, of being financially independent. he hasn't accepted the call, but he dreams. Maybe I project myself onto him, but I see a spark, I will not let him down by giving unsolicited advice, I will instead help him understand himself, by being an example, an inspiration, with questions, with resources he can lean on. I want to empower him to overcome his unique struggle. 

 

In fact...

 

I want to help as many people as possible, overcome their unique struggles. Trauma, brainwashing, ideology, negative thinking, limiting beliefs, lack of self-love, inauthenticity, people pleasing. I want to be a guide, a light that shines into their "soul" so they can see who they really are, under the muck, under the layers of bullshit, that spark within  us all, that desire to grow, to love, to create. that spark of consciousness.

 

On the way home from work tonight, I sing in the car,

"What will I be when I  Wake up? What will be left the stories have been washed away?"

"Who will I be when I wake up? how much of "me" will remain?"

"All of the stories, all of the lies, all of the boundaries, all in the mind"

"How will life be when I wake up?"

 

Goodnight dear reader, love yourself fully, don't accept shit from anyone, even me  

 

- Paul

 

Edited April 28, 2022 by Realms of Wonder
addition to though story ;)

[Realms of Wonder]

Hello.

 

This struggle, of growing myself, of learning to be ME. It feels different than I thought it would when I Started. It feels a lot more scary.

 

But That's okay, I chose this path, and I will walk it till my feet fall off and I have to crawl, until my body quits and then just my consciousness will press on. 

 

I had an insight into my life purpose on my way home from work. 

 

To play Music, Connecting people to breakthrough experiences of Authenticity.

 

When I first wrote it out in Onenote, as I thought about it, my eyes misted over, its the first time a mission statement (and I have written literally hundreds,) has ever lead me to FEEL something deeply. 

 

its closer to my Life-Purpose, but I feel that it goes much deeper, who knows? not me  I guess I will find out when I find out, and not a moment sooner or later.

 

Goodnight, enjoy your moment, give it love. 

 

Paul.

[Realms of Wonder]

Oh heart, why did I doubt you?

Oh song, why did I silence you?

Oh Mind, Why did I believe you?

Oh well, I'll die soon.

 

My heart yearns to express itself in new ways, ways that others and myself cant even imagine.  I see myself living in a way that no one understands but me, not needing anyone to care.

 

Because I care.

I care about Authenticity.

I care about Beauty

I care about Wisdom and Love, and Purpose and health, Truth, and God. 

I care about what I CARE ABOUT. And nothing else matters.

 

Its okay if I die alone. Because I am already dead, and always alone. 

Its okay if people shit on my music, its not mine, I just play it.

Its fine if others dont like me, because I am learning to love myself as I am. 

So what if they hate me, I love myself.

So what if they doubt me, I doubt me too!

So what if this life is just pointless, that's fine, I'll keep creating, playing music till I die.

Edited May 3, 2022 by Realms of Wonder

[Realms of Wonder]

Tears are beautiful, a sign that emotion runs free.

 

growing up with an environment that looked down upon difficult enough emotion, or feeling too deeply, learning to FEEL, and BE with feeling, is hard, but a joy.

[Realms of Wonder]

Music has my heart.

Music calls to me, it is my chosen distraction, but I still doubt whether it is the path.

 

"Maybe there is a better path out there for me." My mind says quietly.

 

And maybe there is. But Music is my heart, and music is my chosen form of Love.

[Realms of Wonder]

5 years ago, I dropped out of college, clueless as to what life had to offer, lost and afraid, purposeless and depressed, hopeless and lost. 

 

Today so many pieces finally clicked, the 100+ psychedelic trips, the hundreds of hours of meditation, the solitude, the journaling, the fear, uncertainty, and difficulty. It is a journey of Life Purpose, that is the stage I am in, and I finally "Got it," To Play Music, Showing people how to heal their Reality.

 

I am sure it will develop and change in the coming years and decades. But HOLY SHIT THIS FEELS REAL. I am so grateful I did not quit before today. 

Edited May 16, 2022 by Realms of Wonder

[Realms of Wonder]

Lyrics from a song God is sharing with me.

 

Who will I be

When I wake up from my dream

And what would I see

When I see through the illusion of mind

 

Who will I be when I see through

The mirage of my mind

Someday I'll find

Something true

Something real

I hope to find

 

Who I really am

What I Really love

Why I have this mind

What's beyond its time  

 

See this whole life

through the eyes of one who knows

What will be left

When all the lies are stripped away

 

Soon there will be a moment when

I see through all the lies

Recognize the Truth

About this life

About myself

Someday I'll know.

 

Who I really am

What I really love

Why I have my mind

What's beyond its time.

[Realms of Wonder]

Taking a walk in a nearby park, reading a book, contemplating, and I realized, nearly exactly a year ago, I was here, but it seems like a different life. 

 

6/5/2021: A picture from this day. 

I was in an off and on relationship with a beautiful girl, physically attractive, mentally we were not compatible, we were in the park together, walking, talking, and laughing. I had just quit my job, and gotten hired for a camp counselor position in Pennsylvania (I Live in Oregon.) The next day I was leaving for Pennsylvania, I knew this would be my last time in Portland for a few months.

I had some clarity into my life purpose, I knew it involved music, but I was distracted. I was letting this girl distract me, letting my phone distract me, YouTube, friends, taking my eye off the ball. I was secretly unhappy, and knew I wasn't really changing, instead I was distracting myself by any means necessary. During that time, I was meditating every day, playing music every day, reading off and on, cooking my own food, but reliant on distraction to keep me sane.

 

5/17/22: A picture from yesterday, same place  

I am single, not dating, having removed so much from my life I am not so sure what's real any more. I contemplate more and more, about myself, about life, wanting to understand, but not getting it yet. Two and a half months ago, I quit both social media and YouTube (including Leo's video's .) Because I listened to my intuition, it is/was time to go within, to question and create, to deepen my relationship with myself, to understand things independently, to look to myself for the answers, not others, and to meet my basic needs in healthy ways.

 

Walking through the park, there was joy there, but a feeling of semi-sadness permeated my body, melancholy, especially in my chest, that feeling has been there consistently for two months now, I attribute it to the loss of the parts of myself that are falling away. Who I am is always changing more and more, forever and ever. 

 

The sadness comes as a dull pain, of loss, habits I had, no longer get to be a part of me, behaviors and thoughts have no place in me, my focus goes towards understanding myself and life, my Purpose, and Music, not to the latest trends on social media. The social safety blanket is gone, what is left is reality, for me to explore  and discover. 

 

Instead of distractions to keep me sane, I feel that I am going insane, my thinking is changing, more independent and authentic. 

 

This is, MY authentic path. Thank you for reading

Edited May 19, 2022 by Realms of Wonder

[Ulax]

Sick journal dude. Look forward to seeing what is to come

[Realms of Wonder]

16 hours ago, Ulax said:

Sick journal dude. Look forward to seeing what is to come

Thank You for reading  

[Realms of Wonder]

I've been through the Life Purpose course all of 5 times, two times I have almost finished it. This is the 6th time, and it will be finished. Every other time there has been new levels of self-understanding, more honesty in my inner work. And that brings us to now.

 

My Me Sheet, it brings a smile to my face to see it because it feels so real. it may change in the future, but this is it for now, its taken 5 years to understand this about myself, and its been worth every second.

 

Life Purpose: I play Music to guide people into states of loving introspection, revealing their true nature.

 

Zone of Genius: Playing Music

 

Domain of Mastery: Music

 

Ideal Medium: Live Performance

 

Top 10 Values:

 

Authenticity/Truthfulness

Music

Wisdom/Understanding

Mystical Experience

Feeling Good in my Body/mind.

Love/Connection

Purpose

Growth

Wonder/Awe

Creativity

 

 

Top 5 Strengths:

 

Authenticity/Genuineness/Honesty

Wisdom/Perspective

Forgiveness/mercy

Appreciation of Beauty and Excellence

Curiosity and interest in the world.

 

Top 5 Goals: (in the next year)

 

Deeper understanding of my true self, and to trust my inner wisdom/guidance.

Play a live performance.

Write 20 songs I am proud of.

Join a martial arts gym/practice consistently.

Get a job in the music industry.

Edited May 19, 2022 by Realms of Wonder

[Realms of Wonder]

What is the Authentic path?

 

Its a chosen direction, its unknown at the start, IT is faith that this step is bringing one closer to Truth, its a search for for Uniqueness, for Sincerity and genuineness of Being. To BE with Self with open arms, not always successfully, but choosing to Love that which is. It is choosing to do things in a new way, even if it means making a fool out of ones self.

 

It's facings the following.

 

1. Uncertainty.
2. Fear.
3. Bias.
4. Rejection.
5. Love.
6. Self.
7. Not-Knowing.
8. The Shadow.
9. Darkness.
10. Blinding light.
11. Unconsciousness.
12. Truth.
13. Falsehood.
14. Lies.
15. Cultural Programing.
16. Beliefs.
17. The past.
18. Memories.
19. Trauma.
20. Heart Desires.
21. Embarrassment.
22. Difficult Emotions.
23. God.

 

the Authentic Path is different for each individual, for those who choose it, it brings Everything, and Nothing. it leads everywhere and nowhere. the greatest breakthroughs, heartbreak, emptiness, sadness, joy and everything in between. 

 

Why be authentic? 

its harder to be honest and sincere than it is to dishonest and fake. Maybe. Maybe that's only one perspective. 

 

I would argue that an authentic life IS the easiest life, however, it may take DECADES, for that to be true. 

 

What is the Authentic Path?

 

It is Love.

 

 

[Realms of Wonder]

Some of the top questions on Authenticity: If you haven't noticed, its my top value  

 

What is Authenticity?

What are the principles or Authenticity?

How can I tell when I am being authentic?

What is an Authentic, Heart Desire?

What is the difference between an authentic desire and an inauthentic desire?

How do I become more authentic?

How do I connect with my authenticity deeper?

Why is Authenticity Important to me?

What authentic activities am I NOT  doing?

What am I?

Who am I?

 

 

[Realms of Wonder]

In the midst of fear and uncertainty, I double down on Love.

 

I dont know what is next

I dont know who I am 

I do not know how I will become financially free

I dont even know how to commit to that vision.

 

But I choose love, and I trust that it will guide me through the fear I face 

[Realms of Wonder]

Lyrics from a new song: "Every Single Teardrop Mattered."

 

 

 

Verse 1

 

I see myself

In the wind and the trees

Let go of mind

Be lost in the stars

 

Pre chorus

 

Where ever I go I have found

More and more inside of mind

Silence, followed by sound

As I pick myself up and I find

 

Chorus

 

Every little moment has led here

Every single tear drop mattered

Let this love flow through me, into you

As we face every fear till its shattered

 

Verse 2

 

Beyond who I am

Is an ocean of love

Release all the lies

Be lost in the truth

 

Pre chorus

 

Years since I answered the call

To leave behind all that is known

Look back, see the rain fall

As I see just how far I have grown

 

Chorus

 

Every little moment has lead here

Every single tear drop mattered

Let this love flow through me, into you

As we face every fear till its shattered

 

Bridge

 

Every lie we've been told will fall away

As we learn to face the truth of what we are

Every fear that we  believed will fall away

As we  learn to ground ourselves in deeper love

 

Chorus

 

Every little moment has lead here

Every single tear drop mattered

Let this love flow through me, into you

As we face every fear till its shattered

 

 

 

Edited June 20, 2022 by Realms of Wonder

[Realms of Wonder]

Today lead me to realize that my current work is killing me. slowly. Physically, mentally, creatively, everything.

 

I get paid to create food that hurts people. To stand on concrete for 10-12 hours, leading to foot problems and back pain. I dont want to just complain, I see this as a wakeup call.

I am tired of settling for less than the best.

I am tired of letting my laziness keep me from creating a business, a life purpose.

I am tired of acting like I am mature and "grown up" when I am a kid, with a ton to learn, and a massive ego I am afraid to let go of.

I am tired of the lies I tell myself to keep myself pacified.

I am tired of being tired! FUCK. Of waking up late, because I get off work at eleven fucking thirty!

I Have no FUCKING clue what I got to do to change this. I feel so much uncertainty my mind want to disintegrate. I dont KNOW.

 

Something has to change. And it is ME, that will change. 5 years to get to now, 5 years of this path, and finally I am beginning to see what it will take to really change. And I am scared of it. 

 

I am afraid to die, I have died during mushroom trips before, but this is different, a slow, sober, excruciating death. Like forcing a snake to shed its skin. 

 

Or maybe this is all a story I am making up to make sense of all this.

 

The authentic path is not the easy path. (For now.)

 

[Realms of Wonder]

DMT Insights.

 

Life is meant to be lived, like a game, played for its own sake. The only way to lose, is not to play, and in that case, still haven't lost because that’s the game. Its so infinite it includes every possible outcome, move, result, and play.

 

As God, I Am.

 

I am Able to choose what I want out of life, be specific about it, and Live it, giving my entire being to it. It may take years and decades for it to be realized, but this is it.

 

Music, is a massage for the mind, a loving way to DIE. Just like a good massage, my music may leave people sore, painfully aware of the "knots" in their self.

 

I will love myself to death.

 

MY/God's Music, will show people so much Love, that they melt into infinity. Into their True/Authentic Self.

 

I choose not to be normal, I will stand out, I will be extraordinary. I will face whatever I need to, to be true to myself.

Every fear

Every lie

Every story

Every moment

 

 

 

[Realms of Wonder]

When you waste your time, you feel it at night

When you waste your mind, you feel it in life

When you give your best, you're rewarded with rest

When you open to life, life opens to you

[Realms of Wonder]

How to deepen my Love for Music. (In no particular order)

 

1. Sing More, practice singing, expand my voice.
2. Play Live/Live Performance/Singing in front of people. This is a very effective method.
3. Spiritual Practice
4. Formal sitting
5. Meditation
6. Psychedelics
7. Breathwork
8. Hard work
9. Meditative Yoga
10. Show up daily to create, train, practice, and improve.
11. Play Music more, for no particular reason, because it's there, because I can, because I love it, play it more, and for longer.
12. Take notes on every type of genre, making distinctions, seeing the nuances in each song, that makes it the way it is.
13. Will a Job into existence that allows me to…
    1. Take breaks to poop and pee, take care of my body, and not need to stand for 10-12 hours on concrete.
    2. Shorter hours (8-10)
    3. Play/Produce music all day.
    4. Creative
    5. Not as stressful
    6. In the Music industry
14. Tell the truth, in your lyrics, and when you connect with music. Always stay true to yourself, your heart, your values, and your vision for your life