Facing a big obstacle while doing Peter Ralston's enlightenment exercises

[MilenaS]

Hi,

I have been doing attention practise, waiting with an object and contemplation practise from Peter Ralston's book "The book of not knowing" and I cannot progress. Every time when I sit down to do one of those exercises, I immediatelly feel a dramatic decrease in mental energy - I feel tired (but more in a psychological sense, not physically), I do not perceive my thoughts clearly and I feel anxiety. 

What is important to mention is that I feel that way also in other types of practices - in every kind of sitting meditation, while writing in my journal, while thinking intentionally (as opposed to just watching the thoughts), while reading a book, and visualizing. Basically, in all activities which require mental effort. 

I think a huge part of the problem is that soon after I started meditating, I associated this practise with discomfort. Meditation was hardly ever a pleasant experience. 

I am wondering whether my psyche creates a defense mechanism against self-improvement and enlightenment work because I unconsciously expect suffering while doing the practises. 

Part of the problem could potentially be heavy metals intoxications. 

It is also possible that these advanced techniques from Ralston where I feel the worst are too hard for me and I should go to easier practises. But I don't want to entirely drop them. I went through a process of quiting it, and coming back several times. This strategy feels like an escape for me.

I feel I need a strategy for what to do with this cause I feel I'm stuck.

 

What are your thoughts on this?

[MilenaS]

To use a word that is common in spiritual circles - I often enter a dullness state. 

Oh, I forgot about one more thing:

I was thinking about this notion of techniques that fit your personality. How true is this assumption that not every technique is good for everyone? To what extent should a spiritual practitioner shift between different techniques? (especially looking for the proper amount of activeness) Could resistance such as in my case point to the fact that I stick to the wrong techniques?

[WelcometoReality]

@MilenaS I'd look into the anxiety and dullness, sit with these feelings. It's great that these types of negative emotions come up because they can very well be an ego defense mechanism.

7 hours ago, MilenaS said:

I was thinking about this notion of techniques that fit your personality. How true is this assumption that not every technique is good for everyone? To what extent should a spiritual practitioner shift between different techniques? (especially looking for the proper amount of activeness) Could resistance such as in my case point to the fact that I stick to the wrong techniques?

Yes in the beginning it can be good to choose a technique that you resonate with but changing techniques just because there is resistances might not be a wise thing to do. These resistances is your chance to go deeper.

People tend to choose the things that feel good and avoid what feels bad which isn't a bad thing necessarily. We are all hooked up that way. But in practice these resistances are actually good because they reveal your conditioning which can then be looked at and dissolved.

[VeganAwake]

It doesn't sound like an obstacle, it sounds like this resistance is being recognized which is part of the reason for doing the practices.

Simply noticing is a result!

❤ 

[Space]

@MilenaS I used to have slightly similar experiences actually. Every time i'd sit down to do self-inquiry I would get really tired physically and mentally. It was a weird defence mechanism to stop myself from having to do the hard mental work. But I always just kinda pushed through it and came out of the tiredness fairly quickly once i'd gained some traction. I still fall asleep during meditation a lot, but could be for other reasons. I don't really have a solution tbh.