The oldest bind of the lot

[Fred Fulton]

Hi

i know you all have more to deal with than this but massively appreciate your thoughts.

My wife had something like an emotional affair with a colleague for a year or so. Maybe something physical occurred maybe some sexting. I picked up on it early, worried about it most of that time and my wife lied to me a lot about their connection and when they would meet up. Eventually it came out one night. That was 3 years ago.

I now just live terrified that what we have (which is pretty perfect life with wonderful kids and a wife who is actually great in many ways) is just a lie and one day I will find out that this other relationship continues and our relationship is false. 
 

So I have tried meditation and learnt a ton of stuff. I see that this is a fear in me not of my wife - a fear of not being good enough, separation and death. I know logically the fear is a lie. I could separate and know I would be fine. But I go through and endless cycle of gaining strength, feeling good, relaxing and then being triggered by total fear that this is false. I understand the concepts of impermanence, non judgement, LOVE, openness. I feel I need to strengthen and loosen my identity at the same time. I know this fear is my prison not my protector. But I never break the cycle. I cannot seem to find the steps to walk me out of this. 
 

I also cannot discuss this with my wife as it just depresses her if I mention it and hard though it is, this is my fear to deal with.

With LOVE

Fred

 

[Terell Kirby]

May want to take more pragmatic methods on the issue .. at least starting out.

Have you tried therapy? I would recommend you and your wife seek marriage counseling and therapy to see if there is any chance to reconcile before making a decision to leave or stay.

[hoodrow trillson]

The children factor makes this incredibly tough and complex.

Because you know what the answer is to this situation, if you both didn't have children.  This is what you're grappling with because if you guys spilt, your children will be negatively affected.  And if you don't, you will continue to grapple with the cheating situation in the back of your mind like a splinter in your mind.

Did you forgive your wife?  I don't mean forgiveness in the shallow sense of telling her you forgive her.  But accepted and forgiven her in your own mind.  It might be wise to continue feeling these shitty feelings and see if you arrive at peace and forgiveness to her.  You have to accept it if you want to continue in your "perfect life" or it will eat you up alive.

 

 

[Fred Fulton]

Thanks both, really appreciated. We had some counseling while this was going on so that’s been undermined a bit. I have  tried a few different counselors- they help, I feel better, relax and then get scared again.

I forgive the past with peace, the problem is the fear of it recurring in the present. But it feels right when you mention it - feels like it softens the resistance. I know I can only find peace if I can come at this with love, just bloody difficult!

thsnks again!

[aurum]

4 hours ago, Fred Fulton said:

So I have tried meditation and learnt a ton of stuff. I see that this is a fear in me not of my wife - a fear of not being good enough, separation and death. I know logically the fear is a lie. I could separate and know I would be fine. But I go through and endless cycle of gaining strength, feeling good, relaxing and then being triggered by total fear that this is false. I understand the concepts of impermanence, non judgement, LOVE, openness. I feel I need to strengthen and loosen my identity at the same time. I know this fear is my prison not my protector. But I never break the cycle. I cannot seem to find the steps to walk me out of this. 

Consider that you’re not going to be able to meditate your way to a solution here.

It sounds like there may need to be some legitimate repair done in your relationship with your wife still.

Does that ring true for you?

[Fred Fulton]

That’s true - thanks

[Roy]

I would say it's really important you stay together and work on maintaining the relationship for the kids, as having a childhood with separated parents is demonstrably terrible for development. People who are raised in single parent households suffer in many ways.

It's good to go to therapy immediately, to work out what issues are instead of letting them fester. I think you need to set hard boundaries about what you will tolerate though.

She needs to know she can't just use the excuse of the hard conversations making her "depressed" and "uncomfortable" to avoid confronting her own faults, and then childishly go behind your back breaking your trust. There needs to be some sort of consequence or punishment, whatever form that takes.

A marriage is a two way street of commitment. You can't have one person working harder than the other all the time, or it just won't work. She needs to understand she doesn't get the choice of not working on her own stuff that negatively influences her behavior, it's not your job to solve that, just support her.

[Preety_India]

Marriage therapy