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Sash

I am also here

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My self-development journey started when I picked up an intriguing book.

It was called The Wisdom of the Enneagram, and I’ll never forget that night. It was that night that I discovered this thing called “spiritual growth”.

I’m sure we have all had a similar moment. 
 

What that book did for me was open my world to the idea that I could watch myself and catch my “self” doing things that the self behind the “self”, the awareness behind the personality, could then assess, evaluate, and decide whether or not it wanted to make a different approach. It was a paradigm shift, for sure.

I became obsessed with watching how I was acting out my personality, and even how other people around me were doing it. Was human behavior so predictable, so machine-like? Did we all operate out of the same basic fears and desires?

4 years later, I once again picked up that book and realized that I’ve barely made a dent.

There is still a ways to go.

 

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I was the kind of kid that would wonder about death, the soul, heaven and hell. But what I remember the most was when I lay awake at night as an 8 year old, wondering if I, as a consciousness, was alone in this world.

Excited but terrified, I would express this thought to one of my friends in school.

“Hey, I was thinking, I don’t really know that you can see life through your eyes like I can.”

12 years later, the same doubt resurfaces.

 

Today was strange. The whole day my mind was occupied by this abyss of not knowing, of meaninglessness. 

On the bright side, I suppose there is no use for excuses. There is really no room left, really, for anger or hatred. Why pollute infinity?

 

I mean, I’m still here.

 

I’m still going to meditate. I’m still going to read. I’m still going to go to class. I’m still going to challenge myself to be more social. I’m still going to lift weights. I’m still going to do yoga.

I’ll still pursue my life purpose. I’ll still love the people in my life, and strive to love more intelligently. I’ll still strive to know the beauty of life.

What else is there to do?

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Current mood: :/

Lately I’ve been trying to understand what is at the root of the persistent lower back pain.

I believe it may have something to do with suppressed anger, which is quite a huge deal for my ego.

Will try visualization meditation to help with the healing process.

Moving my attention away from the spiritual to focus on the physical. I’m tired of being skinny. I’m tired of being told I can’t get big as a vegetarian.

Will try visualization meditation to help with the gains.

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I want to deeply understand the subtle body.

I've always liked digging, scouring, hunting for something in uncharted territory, especially something esoteric. It's what drew me to journalism as an option for a career. I thought I could work on building my writing skill while also gaining a license to inquire into any topic and get paid to research it, to get paid to dig, to excavate current events for insights. The pursuit of truth is an appeal as well, but I'm still not sure. I may not be thinking big enough. I want my career to be something that's original, and not cookie cutter. The goal is to do work from a place of creative freedom, with the intention of mastery and achieving life purpose. I understand what the components are but struggle with the pieces. Yes, it's a process that takes time; it's long and mostly grueling. Still, I get frustrated.  I criticize myself on being slow with life purpose work, but over time, I've noticed that forcing myself to know these things just doesn't work.

I don't doubt that that's achievable for me, but I am hesitant to stick to one thing just yet. I realize that I have abandonment issues, and this can make me hasty to drop things and cut people off from my life at the first instance of pain. To be honest, I think I just need more experience with different lines of work. I don't know.

I've been intuiting some things about my diet, and what kind of food is best for my body. My body tells me some things, like where and what the blocks in my psyche are that need healing and surrender, and letting go usually brings some insight. I remind myself of the principle that everything I need to know is already right here, and this helps me feel deeper. With time, maybe I can better at deciphering this language.

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What do I do in order to numb myself?

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At around 9:15 pm, with a belly full of semi-Indian food, pumped up from having listened to what may have been the greatest playlist I've ever compiled, I sat down to start my homework assignment.

Homework assignment. I won't be having one of those anymore, is the thought that crosses my mind. Wait a minute, I won't be alive forever…

 

And so at about 9:20 pm, with a belly still full of semi-Indian food, no longer pumped up from having listened to what may have been the greatest playlist I've ever compiled, I closed my eyes, witnessing all the sensations... when I started to cry.

Now, before you start to feel sorry, I want you to know that it was a good cry, because in that moment, it felt like I had just realized that bittersweet knowing that one's childhood is over, and how proud I am to see myself growing into a young man who was going to go and live his purpose, and so long as he had a heart he would know what to do, and he would be guided, even if he got lost or distracted-- and he would get lost and distracted, but that was okay because life isn't easy, and that instead of being so hard on himself he should remember how much he loves himself and he should take that love and give it to others in the form of compassion, joy, and creativity. You know, the good stuff. Somehow, he knew deep down that one day all of his investing and contemplating was going to pay off. He couldn't say when or how exactly, but he knew it would happen. With a few shudders, he wipes the tears from his face and says inside, "I forgive you for hiding yourself from the world." And yes this does sound corny, but know this really happened. Boys really do cry, and life is not easy..

..but damn if it isn't beautiful.

Edited by Sash

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