Mushroom Trip Report 010 - "I don't want to be God" - Ego

[ZenSwift]

Taken at 11:43am

3g of African Transekei Strain

Ground up into a powder using a coffee grinder, Taken as a lemon tek Tea. Strained out the bits in a french press.

 

I also took ginger and that pretty much completely took away the nausea.

15 minutes

Yawning.

 

I need to read more about trip reports on high doses.

 

What is physical?

What is imagination?

 

Visuals at 19 minutes

 

Holy shit dude.

 

 

>I put this music on in the come-up and I went CrayyZEE! I went full ape mode, drumming on my body, flipping around in my bed, shaking my head violently. 10/10 comeup. Just completely leaned into the discomfort and insanity.

>I then listened to this lol

41 minutes

Yawning like mad.

 

Shrooms to me get a bad rap as a "beginner psychedelic". They need to be respected like every other one. you need to respect shrooms like you respect 5 Meo DMT, or a vial of nitroglycerin.

Respect it all as you would respect God.

 

One day I will realize that I am eternal.

>MMMM foreshadowing maybe???

 

ANY MESSAGE IN LIFE CAN BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY! Even the jokey songs like this one: (one that is usually interpreted as a joke)

Music is VERY POWERFUL on shrooms.

Jamming out to this.

So I went for a long walk in the beautiful nature with my mom and my dogs, and I was really trying to see reality as a creation of imagination.

I was going like "WOWWW, WOOOW WOOOOW" Over and over.

"Holy fuck, holy fucking shit, holy fuckkk" Over and over again.

Amazing beauty!

 

>The visuals were top notch. At one point the entire road turned into a bright red, white and yellow sacred geometry pattern.

>You can never really replicate these amazingly intelligent patterns. Not too many artists yet at least.

 

 

>Imagine a combination of like these images with the colors mentioned above.

 

>I didn't even listen to any music while walking for the whole hour or so that we were gone. I was just authentically appreciating the sounds of my shoes crunching against the rocks on the concrete.

 

>I remember at one point during conversation and I ended up saying "It takes courage to live".

 

>Then shortly after, I was walking a good distance behind my mother, and right there, I realized that there is nothing grounding the idea that my mom is "my mother". And that she is just another human form that has spawned in my consciousness. I became conscious to some degree that I imagined my mother. Then that spiraled into me crying and stuff. And then I was thinking deep about existential stuff.

>I wanted to kill myself, like I was like 70% SERIOUSLY considering suicide. Or at least like really authentically weighing the pros and cons.

 

>The curtain was being pulled from the elephant's ass at a rapidly increasing rate. I was starting to see more of the full ass. More of how I am imagining everything. How I am the imaginer "God".

 

>I'm sober now, writing this part of the trip report, and I don't think I have any "absolute" understandings. So I probably didn't touch "the absolute truth" or anything. I wasn't even sure if I identified with the body. I'm not even sure if I Identify with the body NOW. I probably still do. I think it may have just been shaken loose even more. This confusion will probably clear up more when I do 5meo.

 

You're living in a hyper intelligent mechanism we call society.

>The hyper intelligent mechanism is god's consciousness (reality).

>Learn to appreciate every organization and why it's there before you try to fuck with the system. Systems thinking 101.

 

The pressure of survival demands intelligence to be gained from you.

>I was thinking a lot about this because I was also emotionally dealing with the baggage of moving out soon. And how moving out, (even if you plan to move back in half a year later,) will grow you in ways that you cannot foresee. Simply because moving out will put on that pressure to shape up in order to survive.

>I am learning how to appreciate the pressures that survival puts on mankind. And how these pressures is what actually fuels creation.

You have to prove how infinitely intelligent you are.

> You are already infinitely intelligent, but you don't believe that because you are imagining yourself as stupid right now. You, as god, are literally imagining yourself as not having all the knowledge of the universe, such that you can enjoy the experience of learning something for the first time.

 

>There I was, crying on the floor with "realizing" that I was just imagining my life because I had nothing else better to do. Realizing that I was just going to keep doing this forever, living forever, how I was eternal, and how you cannot kill me.

 

"I'm scared to be God."

>So then I start taking responsibility from the perspective of the one that imagines everything.

"For anything bad that has what happened to you, I'm sorry." (You the reader)

 

"I became conscious of how I was imagining my mother. I imagined this so that this body could experience what it would be like to imagine an amazing mother."

 

"I don't know how else can I explain my love for you. I would have to remember every single thing you have done for me across my entire life to thank you properly for what you have done for me. (Mom,) You had to change yourself, change your mind in order to love me, because you loved me THAT much."

 

You're always alone.

 

>Talking to my mom.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry Mom for everything, anytime that I've been mean, I know I need to control myself, I still have to learn how to control myself with my emotions. I have to figure out how to act in a way that is in sync with the highest good. I need to figure out how. I love you so much I created you, I love you so much, I gave you a Consciousness that you could take independently of me and you can imagine all your fucking experiences."

 

"I am eternally sorry for anything bad that has happened to any of the people, I'm sorry. Yeah you're sorry that I'm born right? You needed me mom, so you created me. And here I am the fuck I am."

 

I lost my mind.

"There's nothing else to do but to love of your life. Because you are imagining fucking all of it."

 

"I am imagining myself as stupid right now. I'm imagining myself as not intelligent. I'm a fucking idiot. I know nothing. And I'm imagining that."

"Dad I love you so much that I want you to live the best life."

"Leo I want you to live the best life."

"Leo I'm sorry that I imagined you."

"I am scared to live forever. That's a really fucking long time. So scared I don't want I don't want to be eternal. I DONT WANT TO BE ETERNAL!"

--

>speaking as from god's perspective (supposedly)

"I want you to feel bad just so you can understand the difference between feeling good and bad. I want you to feel the fear of dying such that you can appreciate the difference between living and dying. I want you to feel the fear that there's nothing else to do. Such that you can appreciate the Holiness of everything that's here. Cuz that's nothing else to fucking do. There's nothing else to do but what I'm doing."

--

>Nothing is limiting me.

"There is zero fucking reason why couldn't grow my finger 20 ft long."

"I am imagining being scared so I can appreciate the difference. I'm imagining being scared to fucking anything in reality so I can appreciate the difference."

 

God is mysterious. Fundamentally. He's here right now, he's doing everything right now I'm imagining a fucking body. Right fucking now.

 

I'm imagining the wall so "I" can look at it. I am literally imagining me over here and the wall over there and the "space" in-between me and it. I am imagining a POV.

 

>talking to god, "God, why did you make the wall?"

"I'm sorry, I just WANTED to. I'm infinite, so I made the fucking wall okay?"

"I AM FUCKING YOU DUDE!"

"I AM Imagining a language just so I can communicate it to you."

"I am imagining that you don't have the knowledge that I have. I am imagining that you are not infinitely intelligent right now. But you fucking are! You are infinitely intelligent. THERE'S nothing stopping YOU!"

 

>God perspective

"I am infinitely more intelligent than what you call "Leo". Because I fucking AM you."

 

>Truth seems to be the very "substance" of your imaginations. But because I can say that, this is not the truth.

 

"Truth is whatever you imagine it to be. And the building blocks of whatever you're imagining it to be is what truth is doing. What is the word truth pointing to the direct experience right now? The wall is fucking truth look at it! Imagine a wall in your mind that's equal truth, it's all there. What is there is truth. And what isn't there is also truth."

"I am currently imagining myself knowing exactly how much I know. Does that make sense to you? The reader? You! I don't know what your name is. You are reading these words right now, I'm fucking communicating this to you right now. However much knowledge do you think you have right now, you're fucking imagining how intelligent and how stupid you are right now."

 

"You are imagining you not knowing the things that you want to know because you want to experience yourself growing. You actually made it such that you can experience yourself growing because you are eternal already."

"Someday I'm going to imagine this body being fucking killed. And this body is going to experience that."

 

>I was feeling scared about imagining bad things happening to me. In which I came to this conclusion:

 

"But look dude. right now, you're fucking chill, right? Maybe you're mad. Maybe you are the Zenswift in the future, reading this right now. Are you okay right now? Like what are you experiencing right now? Cuz that's all there is. And that's all of that there ever will be. Any fear is just you imagining something that isn't fucking happening right now. And when it does happen to you right now, you experience it, and that's what it is. But you don't need to let that fear fuck your shit up right now, because right now you're good! In this direct experience, you're good. Savor that. Learn to love the direct experience. I imagined you to have direct experience right now so you can appreciate it for what it is. Why the fuck would I not want to imagine what you are doing right now?"

 

"For everything that's happening right now I'm very sorry. But I have fucking NOTHING ELSE to do but to create this! I'm sorry dude, there's nothing else to do but to create everything. And to destroy. And to transform."

 

"I am imagining myself as not knowing what Leo knows right now. Fuck you Leo LOL I imagined you! I love you dude!"

"I can imagine infinitely hating Leo and infinitely loving Leo. At the same fucking time. There's no fucking difference."

"One day I'm going to imagine Leo seeing me in the flesh, face to face."

 

"Every motivation that I have, I'm just imagining it out of fucking nowhere. I could imagine a motivation like for me to want to learn how to paint the best picture. Or how to best fish. And I can nurture whatever imagination I want to. And I can make that fucking real."

 

"Why do I imagine spiders exist? Fuck YOU dude!"

 

"Everything in my life right now I am imagining to control this body's motivations. That's what my will is right now."

 

"Whenever I imagine (gain) new abilities that didn't think I would have. I'm imagining that relationship between knowing that I have power and not knowing that I have that power."

 

>Looking at my fingers.

"My existence is infinitely thin."

 

>Thinking about how language evolves.

"Who the fuck creates new words?'

 

"I think I have had an Awakening of some sort."

> I definitely had some sort of mystical experience. Probably not an awakening. Maybe a glimpse of the ox. I don't know.

 

"Life IS where it's dangerous."

 

"Just merge with the moment. Because you ARE the moment."

"YOU ARE the moment."

>You are literally your direct experience. Merge with it.

A teaching like "you are God" is just to open your fucking mind. And then you imagine the rest of the details.

 

"There was no intention set with the Psychedelic. I didn't even really have a reason to do this psychedelic today. The only reason is because I wanted to keep up a pattern of doing psychedelics in between the time that I work so that I enrich my life the most. And I just kind of had faith that I just figure out what the fuck to think about. But I go into this trip right now with zero fucking intention. And then here I am starting to realize I am imagining fucking everything. (Talking to myself) Like fuck you dude! Why did you fool me? Why the fuck did you fool me? Why? And I know it's because you've got fucking nothing else to do but like come on dude!"

 

I am imagining myself being unmotivated.

When I am motivated, I just imagine that.

 

>I was noticing just how good you feel and how much it fills YOU up to be authentically loving to others.

"Be nice to people because it makes YOU feel good! You selfish fuck!"

 

"I am as strong as I need to be right now. It's okay that there's other people that are stronger than me! It's okay that there is things that I cannot lift! I am imagining myself as someone that cannot lift something. I am literally God imagining rocks that this body cannot fucking lift."

 

Music distracts you from the present moment. It distracts you from appreciating exactly what you're experiencing.

Imagine an extremely clean piece of glass. How the fuck would you know it's there? What? The frames around it? What if you didn't have that context? If you can see right through it, then it doesn't exist. How the fuck do you know that there isn't glass between you and everything else right now? Like a shape-shifting glass. What we call "air". What we call "space".

 

"Never make any radical decisions when you are massively changing your Consciousness. Because you do not yet understand what the fuck is keeping you there. I want to fucking kill myself earlier. REALLY! I was literally in the full state of considering suicide because there's no fucking difference between living or dying. But there are forces stopping me from doing that because there's a greater intelligent at work. And you need to learn how to appreciate all the intelligence of what's guiding your actions right now."

"There is ALWAYS "other" that's going to control you in some way. You existing is you being part of the system you're connected to. So whether you like it or not you're going to have to do whatever you have to do to keep that body surviving. I need to appreciate that. You fucking demonize it so much. Yes, survival is hard! It takes courage to live! It takes courage to live!"

 

Post Trip Report

Feeling normal. Definitely came right back down to a normal state of consciousness. My previous trip, LSD Trip 004 definitely was way more long lasting insights.

 

I definitely wasn't penetrating anything super profound here. Probably lots of ego smog with the trip as well.

 

I've learned how to say "wow" in a completely different way. Using my throat kinda like under my breath. It's like a more authentic way to say "wow". My throat was hurting just from how much I was saying "wooow"! Looking at the amazing beauty of nature. And even the beauty of the patterns in concrete on the road.

 

I did lots of crying, dealing with the existential dread of learning that I am eternal, I cannot be killed, and I will live literally fucking forever. Like, goddamn.

Crying about how I realized that I am imagining my mother. And also how I am sorry for the suffering in her entire life. And in everyone's lives.

I had direct experience, or at least direct belief that I was imagining everything. I believe a more deep experience will be when I see it and don't believe it. That would be a much more real experience of the absolute truth of things.

I pretty much lost my mind too with how open-minded I was.

Not really much room to contemplate with shrooms, just be there to enjoy the ride. Great for nature walks if you have a sober guide (and no wildlife like bears). I wasn't hiking in nature, I was literally just walking in the neighborhood. I was very calm after the rough part of the trip. I was just happy and super content, like the calm waters after the storm.

The day after. Having my brain still recover from the neuroactivity, I was just mellow. Maybe had a bit of ego backlash not being very productive, but whatever. The next day, today as I'm writing this, I'm focused.

 

Let me know what you think!

[Leo Gura]

15 minutes ago, ZenSwift said:

I definitely wasn't penetrating anything super profound here.

What the fuck are you talking about?

[ZenSwift]

45 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

What the fuck are you talking about?I 

Quote

 

Absolutely nothing 

Nothing but nonsense @Leo Gura! 

Yeah maybe I'm being a bit harsh on myself...

I just felt a bit silly posting my trip report.

 

I guess I'm saying that because that state didn't stick with me to my current sober state of consciousness right now. Like I felt I had some sort of Awakening during the trip, but then it didn't stick. But at the same time, the understanding sticks...

Also I don't want to come off as an ego maniac saying all this stuff...

I feel like what I would define as super profound as something that makes my jaw drop to the floor because I literally cannot believe it.

I just know I can go deeper.

[BipolarGrowth]

Don’t have time to read all the way through. Mostly commenting just to bump your thread as I know you’re always posting quality reports ?

[ZenSwift]

@BipolarGrowth thanks buddy! ?

[ZenSwift]

@Leo Gura I think I know NOW what I was talking about when I said that. 

I was trying to make the distinction between authentically deriving truths and just parroting belief systems that I installed from your teachings in order to aid with my mind merging with the deep insights. 

I am struggling on making the distinctions between truths I personally discover in my direct experience and "truths" that I believe from you that I take your word on.

Yes I know, "believe fucking nothing you say or anyone for that matter". But you know that I am going to use these ideas as my own personal scaffolding to erect the skyscraper that is my knowledge and understanding. 

So I'm mudding the waters between what I know and what I take on as belief. Because all of my knowledge is relative and not the absolute, so it's ALL horseshit, no matter how good it feels or how useful it practical it gets. Because fundamentally I have yet to grasp the absolute. Which is the only thing that's actually true, and the rest is super coherent and complex stories, FICTION. Would you agree? Thoughts? 

[ZenSwift]

Okay these are helping

 

 

 

 

 

 

[ZenSwift]

I think ego was definetly a part of it. 

https://youtu.be/fqUJI-NuiJM?t=281