Financially exploiting my family

[trenton]

I did some self reflection after watching Leo's video on why we avoid truth.  I think the reason I get so fixated on building a business, moving out, or getting a raise is because I feel bad about the fact that my entire life style depends on stealing from those who love me. By stealing I mean that they drive me, buy my food, and pay the bills.  I pay rent, but it is so little.  I Even started paying rent before my older sister, but that is not enough.

Even so I am still spinning my wheels in the mud and I am not getting anywhere.  COVID is making it even harder to reach these goals and homelessness is worsening because of the disease.  This also causes me a lot of anxiety that prevents me from working as effectively as I should be.  I could pitch in more for rent or something.  I will be losing money for years if i move out.  I still don't like my job and people at work hate talking about how we feel our lives are wasted potential.  At least I am willing to talk about it.

I am also attacked by my sister a lot because she thinks I'm inconsiderate.  Maybe the connection between being a considerate person and money is that I would be more motivated to stop stealing.  So far my motivation for these actions are negative and coming from guilt.  If My motives were improved, then maybe I would not be hurt by anxiety and guilt to the point of being ineffective at even achieving these goals. 

Maybe I could do these things because I love my family and I want them to live a better life rather than because I feel harassed and attacked and want to leave.  In some cases my family agrees I am being harassed by my sister and she is in denial of it so I don't know how to solve that.  Maybe it should be by announcing my intentions to my family.  I am considering telling my boss that my entire life style depends on me financially exploiting those who love me as well and I want to stop doing that.

[puporing]

I'm sorry you are feeling this way and a bit trapped by circumstances. It's good you're acknowledging where you're at and that you are doing your best to take responsibility for yourself. I don't know if I would use the word "exploiting" when it's something out of your hands right now and you're doing what you can to become independent (and contributing with what you can). Like, is your family saying stuff like that to you besides your sister? Maybe she feels like you're taking something from her? Sibling dynamics can become competitive. It sounds like to me you're doing the best you can and know where you need to be going, and there's nothing wrong with needing some help in the interim from your parents. 

 

 

[Yarco]

I think it depends on your age. If you're in your early 20s I wouldn't feel so guilty and beat yourself up about it. If you're in your 30s and still haven't got your life together, then yeah, maybe the feelings are warranted.

Kids are staying at home later and later nowadays. Part of that is the job market and other factors that make it an uphill battle for them.

30% of first time homebuyers need their parents to gift them a down payment or it'd be impossible for them to buy a house in the current housing market.

Realize that maybe you aren't doing absolutely everything you can, but also acknowledge that you've probably been dealt a bad hand in terms of covid and the overall economy too.

When I Google "what is the purpose of parents" it says: The primary purpose of parenting is to raise fully functional adults who can take care of themselves and make a positive contribution to society.

I think that's exactly what you're looking for, and maybe your parents haven't helped you to become as functional as you could be.

So I'd sit down and express your feelings with just your parents (f*** your sister) and see if they can help. If they won't let you pay for your own food or bills because they'd feel guilty, maybe they can at least take that money for you and give it back to you later when you move out or something.

[trenton]

1 hour ago, puporing said:

I'm sorry you are feeling this way and a bit trapped by circumstances. It's good you're acknowledging where you're at and that you are doing your best to take responsibility for yourself. I don't know if I would use the word "exploiting" when it's something out of your hands right now and you're doing what you can to become independent (and contributing with what you can). Like, is your family saying stuff like that to you besides your sister? Maybe she feels like you're taking something from her? Sibling dynamics can become competitive. It sounds like to me you're doing the best you can and know where you need to be going, and there's nothing wrong with needing some help in the interim from your parents. 

I think that my sister commonly interprets my behaviors as targeted at her when In fact they are not.  My grandma is now echoing her words.  Meanwhile my brother thinks this is far from the truth because I helped him talk through his suicidal thoughts and he feels better now.  I get along with my brother just fine and the only person he has a problem with is my sister.

When my grandma and sister say these things it is in reference to things like not paying attention when I am fixated on writing a book, getting a better job, or trying to start a business.  Sometimes I get over stimulated by my thoughts and I get very jumpy and excited.  This could be related to autism and it's nothing personal.

My sister talks about all the times she bought fast food for me or drove me to work.  She thinks I am ungrateful for these things.  She does not specify what she wants me to buy her or how much, but I still give her Christmas and birthday gifts.  I would guess I could buy my own groceries or something so that grandma would buy more for my sister.

[trenton]

@Yarco currently I am 23.

My father died of cancer after fleeing the state the avoid paying child support and was a life long drug deal / gangster.

I moved out of my mother's house because of domestic violence and drug addiction.  Her other boyfriend has since been evicted.  I am currently living with my grandma, sister, and brother.  My sister still lives with my mom.

Currently my family has cut all ties with criminal activity and my mom is off of the drug addiction.  In the process my money was stolen on multiple occasions and so was the money of my siblings.  This is the most functional our family has been in decades.  This was following all of the fights over child support and after nearly a century of drug dealing since prohibition.  That is when many of my ancestors became drug dealers and the cycle is finally stopped with my father's death.

I will talk to my grandma about this though.

[universe]

It's time you take a big fucking step back and look at your whole situation.

Take a deep breath...

Inhale, breath out.

See the content vs the structure.

The whole money situation is the content. But it is an illusion.

You might become rich, you might become poor, maybe some day you buy an elephant, whatever.... content changes.

You, the awareness, the one experiencing it all, never changes.

 

Notice that.

 

It's ok to feel like you are exploiting your family. Go into that feeling and bask in it however long you want. You have my permission.

Now, it is also ok to let your family help you out and give you money.

 

Stop being so judgemental to yourself.

 

The point is, either way you can feel happy and joyful.

You can feel good all the time.

 

Whenever you encounter a feeling that you can not enjoy, you could stop and ask yourself "where am I being delusional right now?".

 

❤️

[trenton]

@universe I am very judgemental of myself.  The reason I do this is because I think it makes me better by holding myself to higher standards.  I am often a perfectionist and detail oriented.  I also pay close attention to my hypocrisy and choose to say nothing when I am about to judge others.  If I don't judge other people then I can't be a hypocrite I reason.  This is partially done out of fear of showing my true colors when I am at my least conscious in a heated fight.  This seems to be closely related to thinking I'm a bad person which I know isn't true.

Does judgement keep me stuck somehow?  Why is it so hard to stop judging myself?

[Leo Gura]

@trenton It is not helping your situation when you frame it as "stealing from your family".

You are trying to get on your feet. As you do so you can then repay them in other ways. That's what family is about.

Focus on working to strengthen your career into something successful and enjoyable. As you do that, you will naturally become financially independent and you will even have enough left over to help your family out.

Your family will benefit from you having a stable, successful, and enjoyable career. Your career cannot be stable and successful unless it is enjoyable. So don't treat enjoyment as a luxury here. You need to move into a job that you enjoy.

[Jacob Morres]

@trenton regarding your sister - one tip i would say is to watch for her projections

my sister does say similar things about me which i find very interesting. i wonder if it's some social conditioning for woman or something 

regarding her calling you ungrateful - i find those statements very weird. when those said to me - i find that really not the right perspective - because i was actually grateful for certain things. it's really a misrepresentation of your situation - she is lack understanding and compassion for your position and actually unknowing of your perspective. which further makes me think it's a projection.

to me all judgements are solved by holistic thinking. when you have deeper understanding, it dissolves the judgement and replaces it with accurate understanding. 

irregardless you dont deserve to be attacked by your sister and im sorry for that. maybe you can practice some non violent communication with her, or set some boundaries if you find it too bad. 

Edited January 19, 2022 by Jacob Morres

[puporing]

12 hours ago, trenton said:

When my grandma and sister say these things it is in reference to things like not paying attention when I am fixated on writing a book, getting a better job, or trying to start a business.  Sometimes I get over stimulated by my thoughts and I get very jumpy and excited.  This could be related to autism and it's nothing personal.

It sounds like you are in an environment that's going against the direction/energy you're headed. People who aren't oriented this way, in general, will try to 'pull you back down' to where they're at so they can feel at ease when they're around you. It's mostly an unconscious behavior. It's good that you're connected to this community, hopefully the people here can counter some of those influences. 

12 hours ago, trenton said:

My sister talks about all the times she bought fast food for me or drove me to work.  She thinks I am ungrateful for these things.  She does not specify what she wants me to buy her or how much, but I still give her Christmas and birthday gifts.  I would guess I could buy my own groceries or something so that grandma would buy more for my sister.

Wouldn't surprise me that she's trying to get some kind of love from you when she should've gotten it from her parents. But judging by your description of your upbringing there was probably a lot of neglect. It's helpful to understand and have empathy for that she might just feel unloved/not paid attention to in general, but that you also aren't the right person to give that to her outside of what's expected of a sibling. She may be looking for a caregiver and you aren't that. 

So given what you've shared and your age, you really shouldn't be blaming yourself, it's tough enough to try to figure out your survival situation, let alone not being in a nurturing environment. 

[universe]

13 hours ago, trenton said:

@universe I am very judgemental of myself.  The reason I do this is because I think it makes me better by holding myself to higher standards.  I am often a perfectionist and detail oriented.  I also pay close attention to my hypocrisy and choose to say nothing when I am about to judge others.  If I don't judge other people then I can't be a hypocrite I reason.  This is partially done out of fear of showing my true colors when I am at my least conscious in a heated fight.  This seems to be closely related to thinking I'm a bad person which I know isn't true.

Does judgement keep me stuck somehow?  Why is it so hard to stop judging myself?

 

Perfectionism most often comes from a need for control.

Let go of that need to be in control.

Start here: 

 

Have fun on the path!

❤️

 

Also some videos for you

Actualized.org - How To Stop Judging Yourself

Actualized.org - The Power Of Letting Go - How To Overcome Clinginess, Attachment, OCD

Actualized.org - Understanding Resistance

[trenton]

@universe it is very accurate to say that perfectionism comes from wanting control. Not only is this true for my chess games, but one of my greatest fears in life has been the sense that I am not in control.

This happened a lot when I tried to be good but others around me interpreted my behavior in a way that made them uncomfortable.  This left me with the impression that I will always in some way be incomplete so long as I am interpreted as bad from other people's point of view.

The best evidence I have that I am not in control is the fact that I have a hard time letting go of the sense that I am in control.  If I were in control rather than my emotions controlling me, then it shouldn't be hard to let go control.

[trenton]

@Jacob Morres @puporing

I have been suspecting this for a long time.  I see a lot of projection and I have reason to believe that it is related to out dysfunctional parents.

There are a lot of things I have yet to attempt to tell her because most of it she might deny again and some of it I don't know how she will react.  One thing she will likely deny is that she is jealous of my father's sexist favoritism toward me.

She often gets mad at me because I don't talk much and interprets this as me not listening or not caring.  I haven't told her that sometimes I don't talk because I recognize when I am about to say something hypocritical and therefore say nothing.

I try to be generous and open to criticism because it could be a good source of growth, but in this case my sister is in denial of a list of problems and I have a hard time approaching this.

As for the money situation I am probably confusing blame and responsibility again.  I am harsh on myself and a perfectionist because I love myself. The least I can admit is that these self judgements are often wrong and could therfore be limiting my growth.

[trenton]

@Leo Gura I am currently applying for new job opportunities that I would enjoy more.  My career counselor just got back to me today because she was sick for a week. At least I am doing what I can for now. I am changing fast, but I could be getting impatient with this for some reason. I still have all the time I need to realize my goals.

[trenton]

@lxlichael and I plan to make it an awesome dream.