Self-Improvement - Life Purpose - Journal

[Shiva99]

Oof... That was a rough job interview, holy fuck. I have very mixed feelings at the moment. I honestly feel kinda bad. I have a bad aftertaste. The interviewer was a woman who almost showed no emotion during the whole interview. Sometimes she smiled, but i could see that it was kinda fake. She wasn't even looking at the camera. She was also questioning my past choices way too much. Like who cares why i made a certain choice 5 years ago... Why not just look at the person that is in front of you today. God i hate such shit. Especially since this was for a temporary job of 3 months, this whole thing didn't make any sense. I was literally getting filleted like a tuna.

The only positive thing of this interview is that i've actually done it, even though it wasn't a good interview, at least that's how i feel about it.I also became  very aware of why i'm actually dreading job interviews so much, and why i sometimes cancelled interviews last minute in the past. It's the possiblity of rejection that is getting to me. Getting rejected over and over again, when i already have a hard time to apply for a job because i'm still too insecure is not good for me. Sometimes i need a lot of courage to actually call agencies etc. let alone doing an actual job interview. Only getting rejected afterwards is really not good for my confidence. This is something that i have to deal with. I need to contemplate and meditate on this some more.

I wish i didn't feel so depressed back when i knew i had to leave my last job, and took it more professionally.
I probably would have been applying a lot more, while i was still working there, and it would have been a lot easier to get a next job. This is literally the last time that i find myself in a situation like this. I don't care how bad of a situation i might be in, i will never ever quit a job anymore before i have another one lined up, or when i know i can't stay any longer in a job. NEVER. God i'm so annoyed at the moment. Hope this passes soon. This whole shit is getting in my head too much.

 

Edited January 27, 2022 by Shiva99

[Shiva99]

Today i'm getting right back at it again. I was annoyed last night, but i'm moving on. In about an hour i'm going to run again. I wonder how well it's going to go. This is the first time that i'm trying to run for 4 days in a week. If this works out without too much pain i'm probably going to keep going like that for the next couple of weeks untill i'm adding in more days. I'm now able to run 3 miles and more without any problems, so starting from monday i'm probably going to increase my mileage 10% every week. I'm not sure what the end goal is right now, but being able to run between 6 and 10 miles over time would be nice.

Edit: well that run went better than expected. I almost ran 4 miles today. My knee started acting up a little bit, but i decided to keep running anyways. Over time the ache went away and i was able to finish my run. I have to take a rest day now though, or i will definitely get injured.

 

 

Edited January 28, 2022 by Shiva99

[Shiva99]

I'm starting to get out of my comfort zone again. Today i did it by having a coffee at a local coffee shop on my own.
I took my laptop with me, and decided to jobhunt a little bit while i was there. It was an interesting experience, especially because it triggered my social anxiety, or what's left of it. Over time i got more comfortable sitting there on my own, and was able to be a little bit productive. I sat down for about 40 mins, and then made the decision to leave. It wasn't hot outside, and my hands were getting cold. All in all it was another good step in the right direction, especially because i had to talk to the waitress and ask her several questions such as the wifi password etc. Situations like these also give me the opportunity to practice talking with women.

[Shiva99]

I'm going to remove gambling from my focus points, as i'm not thinking about it anymore. It's something i'm over again, which i'm glad for. I hope now i will never do it again. I'm going to replace it with reading. Reading is something i need to focus on more in the upcoming weeks.

Main focus points for the upcoming weeks:
 

Reading - Haven't been putting a lot of effort into reading.Right now i'm just reading whenever i feel like it, which is definitely not often enough. I need to allocate time everyday for reading. I think i'm going to get into the habit of reading in the morning firsts thing after meditation while having my coffee. I don't have to read for hours yet, just read a couple of pages everyday and build from there. Get the habit set. Read more if i get in the zone.

Meditation habit - I'm consistent with 1 hour meditation in the morning. The evening session is still not working out. It's so hard to meditate in the evening, especially when i wanna do it last thing before sleeping. I'm used to watching some shit on my smartphone before sleeping, and the lack of this is very, very weird and so empty. I will keep trying until my evening session is also set in stone. This evening will be another attempt.
 

Exercise - Getting consistent 4 times a week. Last week i failed to try and run for 4 times a week, but this week it worked out. I slowly wanna build up this habit until i'm able to run every day, because when i run in the morning, my day usually gets kickstarted like crazy.
 

Quitting Porn - Porn is still messing with me. Yesterday i was thinking about it, and also on wednesday. I felt huge resistance towards it, and for some reason had no problem not watching it. Though today i caved in. Definitely will keep trying to leave this behind me.
 

Internet & smartphone usage - Still toning it down drastically, but it's very hard. I'm so used to doing random shit online it's crazy. I'm very aware of my time spent online now, because i'm focussing so much on toning it down. My time spent online is going towards productive stuff, but i'm still wasting time here and there, especially in the evening before sleeping. I should read and meditate instead. 1-2 hours before sleeping i should not use any screens or whatever.
 

Job hunting - Starting to get into the habit of applying and calling temporary agencies. Need to work on not caring about getting rejected, as this is the biggest problem for me now and why i'm putting off looking for a job sometimes.

Edited January 28, 2022 by Shiva99

[Shiva99]

Failed again in my attempt to do an evening session of reading and meditation. Oh well, tomorrow is another day. I'm just going to keep trying until it works out. 

[Shiva99]

Welp. Meditation & reading session in the evening didn't work out again. This is gonna take a while until i'm gonna be consistent with that evening routine. Tomorrow i will try it again. No bullshit mentality. I will fail, fail, fail, fail and fail some more until i don't.

 

[Shiva99]

Last night i finally managed to meditate 50 mins and read for 20mins before sleeping. I also managed to not watch any screens before hitting the bed. Today i woke up and immediately went for another meditation session, followed by a run. I'm feeling unstoppable today. Went to my local coffeeshop again, but couldn't really concentrate myself, as a lot of regulars visit that place, and started talking like crazy. They also saw that i'm a relative new guy in that place, and asked me a lot of questions. Maybe in the future i shouldn't try to jobhunt on my laptop there lmao.

Something that i've noticed now that i'm keeping a daily schedule, which is pretty filled with stuff, is that time is flying like crazy. Like seriously, today i woke up at 4am, and right now it's already 1pm. Sometimes i feel like no matter how much shit i get done or how early i wake up, i don't feel like i'm progressing. Patience is something that i definitely need to get because i think a lot of stuff is changing  behind the surface, without me noticing it immediately.

Also, i don't think that i will keep posting a lot in this journal, as i now sometimes barely have time. Maybe i will start posting updates weekly, or bi-weekly soon.

 

 

Edited January 31, 2022 by Shiva99

[Shiva99]

I'm going to have a daily review on how my day went from now on. I will be journalling on what i feel was good, and  what i could have done better. Corrections will be made the day after.

31/01/2022 - Daily review

Today was a bad day in terms of jobhunting. Mostly because the main website i'm using for vacancies was down almost all day. I've only sent out one application, and only had one phone call with an agency today. It's better than nothing, but definitely not enough. Tomorrow i have to make up for this. No excuses. I also failed to complete my meditation session this evening. I only managed to do about 25mins.

I already have a call scheduled for tomorrow that i will be doing in the morning, as soon as the agency is open. Besides this i'm going to look for other vacancies. I'm also planning on visiting random agencies and just going there to hand out resumes later this week.

 

Edited February 1, 2022 by Shiva99

[Shiva99]

Methods of relaxation

I need to implement some stuff that will help me relax and wind down from time to time. I will write them down here and use as needed.
At the moment all of these things will definitely help me relax:

• Hot steamy bath/shower
• Meditation
• Masturbation/sex

[Shiva99]

01/02/2022 - Daily review
 

Jobhunting:

Ugh, i'm done for today with jobhunting. I did a fuckton of phonecalls, and i'm done with it for now. The same conversations over and over again on my resume and job experiences etc etc. It's so draining sometimes lol. At least all the calling paid of because i have another interview planned for tomorrow. It's better then nothing. After all i'm getting much better at calling because of this, which is good.

I also got rejected for the temporary job in administration, which was to be expected. Not enough experience was the reason... Lol. Always the same story. Want a job? => Need experience => want experience? => Need a job. Unbelieveable. At least this woman was professional enough to call me and give me this feedback, so that's nice. Most recruiters don't give a fuck these days and won't even call u for feedback, so this was new.

Apart from all this i have to watchout that i don't become indifferent to jobhunting.This is what happend last time, because i took it too personally. I just couldn't be arsed anymore and didn't apply for several weeks, which obviously doesn't help.

Edited February 1, 2022 by Shiva99

[Shiva99]

Rant

Fall of the wagon 1000 times, get back up 1001. I think this will be my new mantra from now on. Seems like my body is trying to get to homeostasis again, as my lazy ego is crying like a little baby. Maybe i'm going too fast, but fuck that shit. I don't have time to go slow and implement small habits over weeks and months and shit. My life needs to change right fucking now. I'm done with this shitty life.

People can be so fucking evil sometimes. They rather see you fail together with them, than to see you succeed. It's un fucking believeable. I don't care if i'm going to die in the process bitches, because sooner or later we're all gonna die anyways. Watchout who you are trying to hold back, cause i have nothing to lose. Good luck. Eat shit.
 

 

 

 

Edited February 3, 2022 by Shiva99

[Shiva99]

I'm so glad today is not a stupid rest day. Looking forward to my run so much. I need it. Most likely going to run further than planned, but i think my body can take it. I have to beat my distance today.

Edit: as expected the running was great. I'm feeling so good right now. I fucking love running. It truly gets me into my element. Was supposed to have a recovery run of 25mins but went for 40 mins instead. No pain, no problems. Let's fucking go.

Edited February 3, 2022 by Shiva99

[Shiva99]

I've decided to leave porn behind again. I'm going to put effort in avoiding it at all costs. Over the past few weeks i have been mindlessly indulging in it, without too much thought. I haven't experienced too much side effects from it, or at least i think i haven't, because most of the time i'm doing everything i can to improve my life, and i'm too busy to think for too long about it. I won't be counting days or whatever, as i want it to become a lifestyle. I'm also going to prohibit myself from masturbation for a while, as it's probably linked together. I can't imagine masturbating without porn, it's boring as fuck. Even porn is boring as fuck. So i definitely have a problem there. Period. The goal for now is to be able to enjoy masturbating without any porn whatsoever, and only when i'm really really horny. I feel like it's been ages since i genuinly masturbated because i felt horny, and not out of sheer habit.

[Shiva99]

It's important for me to focus on the consistent good things i've done, rather than on the things i'm failing at sometimes. Small habits over a long time make a big difference. Patience is something that i need to built in. I want crazy changes today, which is impossible. Doing the habits i'm doing right now, over a long time will have drastic results on my life. I just need patience.

[Shiva99]

Unfortunately i'm making the decision to pause this journal for now. The forum is becoming a a huge, huge distraction for me. The journalling is very good for me, but i find myself drifting off way too much in other topics etc on this forum. Result: too much time gone. My life needs radical change, which is already happening right now, but i have to go way more radical. I can't justify wasting any more time at the moment, i just can't. It's eating at my brain every day. I need to go all in.

 

Edited February 5, 2022 by Shiva99