Why do some sexual jokes work on women and other sexual jokes don't?

[Hardkill]

So, I've very recently have approached some more girls near where I live and I got most of them to genuinely laugh at or with some of my sexual jokes. For example,  one of the girls I randomly approached was talking with me about food and she mentioned during the conversation how she doesn't like to eat unusual foods like cow tongue because she think it's so disgusting and dirty and you don't where things like tongue has been. So, my response was "that's what she said." She right away made a good laugh. So, that worked and eventually by the end of the conversation I got her number.  

However, when I made other kinds of sexual jokes in the past I got myself blown out. For instance, a few years ago, there was this one night where I approached a cute chick at a bar and started out having a good conversation with her. At some point in the conversation she asked something along the lines of "so, how come you are here by yourself and what brings you here?" So,  my response was "Well, I am looking for some kind of friends with benefits?." She then gave me a weird look and was like "uh....okay, yeah...then I am going to go....bye." Right away, I said "wait, wait, wait, I was joking! I was joking!" Yet, she said that it was not funny and kept walking away.

I don't know why some of the sexual jokes I make don't always work, but other times they do.

[PurpleTree]

imo because the first joke is just a kind of silly joke

while the second "joke" you're implying you want to have sex with her and maybe that scared her

[aurum]

1 hour ago, Hardkill said:

So,  my response was "Well, I am looking for some kind of friends with benefits?."

That’s not a joke.

Your first example was a joke.

This is just you coming across as too forward / direct.

A statement like that can work sometimes with the right girl at the right time. But obviously that wasn’t it.

In general, different social contexts mean different kinds of humor are more appropriate. In some settings, you might be able to get away with more crass, dirty humor. In others, not so much.

You have to always read the room and the person you’re talking to. Ask yourself: what is “normal” right now? And allow “normal” to be fluid and change at any moment.

You can sometimes dictate what is “normal” in a group if you have a strong enough frame and people see you as a leader. But even that I find usually only goes so far. So pay attention to how people act in different contexts and get a feel for what is appropriate.

[Leo Gura]

Sometimes girls get offended or turned off for random reasons. You can't predict such things.

I told a girl I that she is so young that I am adopting her as my daughter, with benefits. She was into it. Of course another girl might have gotten offended by that. And the key is that I wouldn't give a fuck because I would just go talk to the next 10 girls.

The bottom line is, if a girl is into you, she will let you get away with almost anything verbally. And if she's not into you, she can get pissy about the silliest things you say. So it's not really about you as much as it is about her.

Of course it also matters how you deliver the joke. If you do it from a shitty state it will usually flop and creep girls out. If you do it from solid state and you're fully congruent with it, even the most obnoxious verbals can work, such as, "I'm going to put a baby in your tummy."

In general you should avoid sexually explicit jokes. That is walking the razor's edge and you don't need to do that as a newbie.

Also keep in mind that when you show sexual intent, girls will blow you out more. This is not a bad thing. You're screening out girls who are not DTF. Being platonic will get you way less blowouts but also no sex.

If she can't take a joke, don't apologize, reframe it as her not having a sense of humor. Not all girls will appreciate your style of humor. That's okay. You're just screening those girls out by scaring them off.

A great reframe is something like, "Hey, stop being weird. Don't embarrass me in front of God."

Or the classic: "Hey, don't be racist. You just hate me cause I'm black."

[Roy]

18 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

Also keep in mind that when you show sexual intent, girls will blow you out more. This is not a bad thing. You're screening out girls who are not DTF. Being platonic will get you way less blowouts but also no sex.

Out of curiosity, how often are you picking up women just for fun vs looking for a relationship of some capacity? Is it one or the other for you, or some sort of mix?

I found going out to clubs and picking up girls/having one night stands was fun for some months, but quickly became uninteresting and unfulfilling.

[Leo Gura]

7 minutes ago, Roy said:

how often are you picking up women just for fun vs looking for a relationship of some capacity?

I'm always looking for relationship. Whether it happens or not is not really up to me. Often the girl doesn't want it. But also many girls are not relationship material and it takes some time to figure that out.

I don't make a distinction between a fling and something serious. Everything serious starts out unserious. Just talk to girls without expectations and see where things lead. Sometimes it will lead somewhere serious, often times not. Both are okay.

[Roy]

13 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

I don't make a distinction between a fling and something serious. Everything serious starts out unserious. Just talk to girls without expectations and see where things lead. Sometimes it will lead somewhere serious, often times not. Both are okay.

Huh, interesting. I do set intentions of what I'm looking for, but I don't hang on to any expectations. I've found that if I just "go with the flow" and don't lead them with an explicit conversation at some point they'll just get pissed off.

My last few long term ex's told me it was very refreshing I told them what I wanted after a few dates.

Then this girl last year I slept with on the first date got really mad when I went with the vibes she was sending of hooking up, but it was obvious it wasn't going to work out as something serious so idk what she was expecting.

This stuff is complicated 

[bejapuskas]

1 hour ago, Leo Gura said:

I'm always looking for relationship. Whether it happens or not is not really up to me. Often the girl doesn't want it. But also many girls are not relationship material and it takes some time to figure that out.

I don't make a distinction between a fling and something serious. Everything serious starts out unserious. Just talk to girls without expectations and see where things lead. Sometimes it will lead somewhere serious, often times not. Both are okay.

That's interesting, don't you then find that your relationship, if it goes serious, falls apart, because maybe you did not feel like you have the responsibility to be for example 100% honest from the start and it surfaces later? Do you think the intention at the start matters in this way? 

[Hardkill]

1 hour ago, aurum said:

That’s not a joke.

Your first example was a joke.

This is just you coming across as too forward / direct.

A statement like that can work sometimes with the right girl at the right time. But obviously that wasn’t it.

In general, different social contexts mean different kinds of humor are more appropriate. In some settings, you might be able to get away with more crass, dirty humor. In others, not so much.

You have to always read the room and the person you’re talking to. Ask yourself: what is “normal” right now? And allow “normal” to be fluid and change at any moment.

You can sometimes dictate what is “normal” in a group if you have a strong enough frame and people see you as a leader. But even that I find usually only goes so far. So pay attention to how people act in different contexts and get a feel for what is appropriate.

A lot of times it's hard for me to read the room. I mean I thought back then that the conversation was going well at first and we met in a bar, which we know is a kind of place that many girls go to find someone to hook up with. Also, I didn't think that what I said was totally out of left field. hard for me to know what is appropriate at the moment and what is not. 

 

1 hour ago, Leo Gura said:

Sometimes girls get offended or turned off for random reasons. You can't predict such things.

I told a girl I that she is so young that I am adopting her as my daughter, with benefits. She was into it. Of course another girl might have gotten offended by that.

The bottom line is, if a girl is into you, she will let you get away with almost anything verbally. And if she's not into you, she can get pissy about the silliest things you say. So it's not really about you as much as it is about her.

Of course it also matters how you deliver the joke. If you do it from a shitty state it will usually flop and creep girls out. If you do it from solid state and you're fully congruent with it, even the most obnoxious verbals can work, such as, "I'm going to put a baby in your tummy."

In general you should avoid sexually explicit jokes. That is walking the razor's edge and you don't need to do that as a newbie.

Also keep in mind that when you show sexual intent, girls will blow you out more. This is not a bad thing. You're screening out girls who are not DTF. Being platonic will get you way less blowouts but also no sex.

If she can't take a joke, don't apologize, reframe it as her not having a sense of humor. Not all girls will appreciate your style of humor. That's okay. You're just screening those girls out by letting them walk away.

Yeah, I get that sometimes certain girls I meet just won't vibe with me either because they were not in the right frame of mind or because they simply weren't compatible with me. 

I also get that the more direct or more aggressive your approach is the more polarizing you will be to girls, which indeed will mean that you will get a lot more rejections from a lot of girls, but also a lot more makeouts/sex from a lot of other girls.

Okay, from now on I'll try to avoid making sexually explicit jokes with new girls I am talking to, unless the girl I am talking to is flirting hard with me or if I am sure that she's into me.

What's an example of saying a sexual joke from a shitty state?

Also, when you say reframe the girl as her not having a sense of humor if doesn't laugh at my sexual joke, should I reframe the situation verbally by telling her something like she's a prude, or do you mean just reframe the situation in my mind?

[Leo Gura]

3 hours ago, bejapuskas said:

That's interesting, don't you then find that your relationship, if it goes serious, falls apart, because maybe you did not feel like you have the responsibility to be for example 100% honest from the start and it surfaces later? Do you think the intention at the start matters in this way? 

What am I dishonest about? I said my intention is a relationship if the girl is relationship material.

There is no need to explicitly state this when you start dating. It comes out naturally. If I want to make her my gf I will say so, but not too soon.

3 hours ago, Hardkill said:

Also, when you say reframe the girl as her not having a sense of humor if doesn't laugh at my sexual joke, should I reframe the situation verbally by telling her something like she's a prude, or do you mean just reframe the situation in my mind?

You can reframe it verbally to her face.

"Where is your sense of humor, girl? You leave it at home?"

Of course this will prolly blow up the set. But I would say this as the set is blowing up anyway.

Sometimes you say things not to please the girl but just to hold your frame. Your frame should be that you are funny and cool and if she doesn't like it she is the weird one, her loss.

[Hardkill]

3 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

You can reframe it verbally to her face.

"Where is your sense of humor, girl? You leave it at home?"

Of course this will prolly blow up the set. But I would say this as the set is blowing up anyway.

Sometimes you say things not to please the girl but just to hold your frame. Your frame should be that you are funny and cool and if she doesn't like it she is the weird one.

Oh ha ha. 

So, even if she rejects me I will still have my pride and confidence and others around me will still think I am cool, yeah?

[bejapuskas]

1 hour ago, Leo Gura said:

What am I dishonest about? I said my intention is a relationship if the girls is relationship material.

There is no need to explicitly state this when you start dating. It comes out naturally. If I want to make her my gf I will say so, but not too soon.

That is totally understandable. I meant maybe like people who say first that they are not serious and then catch feelings later. Do you make it clear that something could maybe happen in the future?

@Hardkill Maybe also get better at recognizing whether somebody is really sensitive when it comes to talking about sex, you might prevent causing some collateral damage.

[puporing]

I mean... In a way it was good she walked away from that, gives you an immediate feedback of what she's not perhaps into in relation to you, if that's what you were looking for strictly speaking. Also yeah I think most girls don't like being immediately started off the path of FWB (at least not so explicitly pointed out like that) I could be wrong though all depends on the person/their state of mind..

Edited January 12, 2022 by puporing

[Leo Gura]

2 hours ago, Hardkill said:

and others around me will still think I am cool, yeah?

Doesn't matter as long as you think you're cool.

That is your frame, or lack thereof.

It's a question of how strong can you hold your frame?

[Lyubov]

3 hours ago, bejapuskas said:

That's interesting, don't you then find that your relationship, if it goes serious, falls apart, because maybe you did not feel like you have the responsibility to be for example 100% honest from the start and it surfaces later? Do you think the intention at the start matters in this way? 

From my experience honesty and boundaries are sort of built up and reevaluated regularly in such a relationship that started out unserious. I think this is the case for any relationship. I am with Leo here in terms of approach about getting into a relationship. I've never gotten into a relationship that didn't start out unserious or from a fling/fwb. It starts out unserious, you spend a lot of time together hooking up and having fun (usually over a couple weeks to a month), get to know each other and value each other, you decide you want something more serious with her and you start discussing boundaries and expectations. Some things are kinda awkward to ask for in the boundaries right away or early on. From my experience most girls are pretty honest and not sleeping with multiple guys at once and the ones that decide they wanna be your girlfriend will usually expect that you are doing the same. She will be sorta committed to you as a FWB/fling for the first month (you the same) while she feels you out and you feel her out for a relationship and then she will wait for you to call her your girlfriend and have a conversation about how you want to see where it goes as a relationship. From my experience just being super upfront saying you are looking for a relationship on the first few dates has always scared off women for me  They realize they'd have to be fucking crazy to date a guy like me (they usually are) but they haven't been hooked on my powerful GODCOCK yet so they turn tail and run! 

Edited January 12, 2022 by Lyubov

[bejapuskas]

@Lyubov Yeah I have the same experience, I think I get what you mean now.

[Hello from Russia]

@Leo Gura Would you say when there is too much frame it can count as deception? I sometimes feel a bit off when I am playing some persona too rigorously

[Nahm]

The first joke has nothing to do with her desire for a relationship & doesn’t reduce her by objectifying people. The second joke reveals the motive & true colors. You might say the wrong person blew it. Faking being genuinely interested in someone is off putting, but you don’t really care about that do you. 

[Javfly33]

13 hours ago, Hardkill said:

 Right away, I said "wait, wait, wait, I was joking! I was joking!" 

????

[Javfly33]

8 minutes ago, Nahm said:

The first joke has nothing to do with her desire for a relationship & doesn’t reduce her by objectifying people. The second joke reveals the motive & true colors. You might say the wrong person blew it. Faking being genuinely interested in someone is off putting, but you don’t really care about that do you. 

What is wrong with objectifying? Not always women are looking for a formal intimate relationship . Maybe she is in the mood of "Objectifying" too , if know What i mean...?