Turning Inwards Is Agonizing

[SaynotoKlaus]

 The standard eastern spiritual advice on how to enlightened and solve you psychological problems is to watch your thoughts and your emotions. This never worked for me, every time i do it what happens is that i get tormented by my thoughts more and more until the emotional pain is excruciating and i feel like i lost my mind. In the beginning it feels like it's working, making me calmer and more focused, but eventually it gets more and more painful until i feel like doing acts of violence and/or killing myself just to get away from the pain. It's incredible how such an apparently harmless thing can do this to someone. 

Every time i do these meditation exercises i get the same result. Eventually i realize the source of my pain, stop and instantly get relieved. But on my spiritual quest i often fall in this trap and i keep tormenting myself. Yesterday i started reading "It's not about the money", where the author suggests that you should watch your thoughts so you can see how they make you crave for various things. I did this and just earlier i found myself in such deep pain that i felt like i'm literally in hell. It's funny how i don't even realize that i am doing to this to myself with this habit until i stop.

From my experience watching your thoughts is the worst thing you can ever do. I don't even feel any improvements in my awareness, it's just pure pain. The way i increase my awareness and master my emotions is by doing mindfulness meditation (the one taught by Leo) and by focusing on the world around me rather than my emotions and thoughts. So basically what i have to do is the opposite of this buddhist advice.

I also saw on this forum multiple threads with people that describe the same experience. There is something wrong with this type of spiritual practice, and a big lack of knowledge in this field. I'm posting this to see if i can get some answers. Why does this happen? Don't you think this practice is dangerous to teach, because it might get someone to keep insisting  with it thinking that if they face the pain they will get enlightened, and eventually they end up killing themselves?

Edited January 6, 2017 by SaynotoKlaus

[Dodo]

18 minutes ago, SaynotoKlaus said:

 The standard eastern spiritual advice on how to enlightened and solve you psychological problems is to watch your thoughts and your emotions. This never worked for me, every time i do it what happens is that i get tormented by my thoughts more and more until the emotional pain is excruciating and i feel like i lost my mind. In the beginning it feels like it's working, making me calmer and more focused, but eventually it gets more and more painful until i feel like doing acts of violence and/or killing myself just to get away from the pain. It's incredible how such an apparently harmless thing can do this to someone. 

Every time i do these meditation exercises i get the same result. Eventually i realize the source of my pain, stop and instantly get relieved. But on my spiritual quest i often fall in this trap and i keep tormenting myself. Yesterday i started reading "It's not about the money", where the author suggests that you should watch your thoughts so you can see how they make you crave for various things. I did this and just earlier i found myself in such deep pain that i felt like i'm literally in hell. It's funny how i don't even realize that i am doing to this to myself with this habit until i stop.

From my experience watching your thoughts is the worst thing you can ever do. I don't even feel any improvements in my awareness, it's just pure pain. The way i increase my awareness and master my emotions is by doing mindfulness meditation (the one taught by Leo) and by focusing on the world around me rather than my emotions and thoughts. So basically what i have to do is the opposite of this buddhist advice.

I also saw on this forum multiple threads with people that describe the same experience. There is something wrong with this type of spiritual practice, and a big lack of knowledge in this field. I'm posting this to see if i can get some answers. Why does this happen? Don't you think this practice is dangerous to teach, because it might get someone to keep insisting  with it thinking that if they face the pain they will get enlightened, and eventually they end up killing themselves?

The thing is, you are identifying with the wrong things. By observing thought and emotions, you should realise and contemplate to whom they appear. That way you are free from identifying with them or the body and they can't cause you harm, just like you as a body cant punch the air.

Edited January 6, 2017 by Dodoster

[Aware]

@SaynotoKlaus Its something I really have been through as well.

 

And the dealing with it, is always the opposite from the desired result. And the goal of meditation that one set, just stimulates the whole thing willing to get a certain result, stimulates the thinking I must deal with it, and as a result, you really identify with both the goal that must be reached, as well as the search for such emotions, and the must to deal with it as a separated entity that is going to deal with it.

I solved this whole problem by releasing tensions in both body and mind, without dealing with anything else then just relaxing by giving it away with breath. First I did everything to do solve it, and when tired enough, I started working on releasing tension, teaching, shaping my mind to an understanding that what ever I do is entangling with it.

I also became much more varied with meditation. The wild horse my mind was with the emotions of heat and short bursts etc was not to be tamed by the wrong knowledge of domination.

I therefor choose to learn during the day to respond differently to my own actions. I started to go to woods, not to meditate, but to just be alone. Walk, breathing calmly and releasing tensions.

So I made it an all round flexible approach to learn to calmly respond within myself to get it calm. The result now is. I can without tension meditate, just observing breath, the middle path. But I can as well, if a thought goes on and on, be so intense, without being intense, that the thought will just be crushed by the happiness, the bliss.

Make it an all round discipline to work very flexible on this problem. But my greatest fear related to what you describe at that time, was my great fear of loneliness. And that I worked on, step by step, calmly, nature, being alone, becoming a child again.

[abrakamowse]

The Buddhist advice is watch your thoughts but not to engage with them. You mostly become aware of everything, a car passing, people, sounds, etc... and thoughts, but like if the thoughts were like any other thing on reality. Thoughts are also part of reality, you don't have to engage in their meaning.

Just observe as when you observe a tree and let them go.

I am glad that you found a way to meditate more confortable. 

[AlwaysBeNice]

You are used to suppressing emotions, that's what's causing the struggle. You simply need to stick to it, go deeper and feel what's there to feel and allow yourself to cry like a baby.

Try this meditation

 

[Dodo]

This I found just now and I think it is really good for anyone to watch. I can't even express how helpful I am finding this video!!!

 I've watched it before, but it's like I am seeing it from a different angle now after all the understanding I've gotten so far of the truth.

Edited January 6, 2017 by Dodoster

[cetus]

4 hours ago, SaynotoKlaus said:

From my experience watching your thoughts is the worst thing you can ever do. I don't even feel any improvements in my awareness, it's just pure pain. The way i increase my awareness and master my emotions is by doing mindfulness meditation (the one taught by Leo) and by focusing on the world around me rather than my emotions and thoughts. So basically what i have to do is the opposite of this buddhist advice.

@SaynotoKlaus Maybe a good ol' mantra meditation world work? A point of focus. Whenever your mind starts to drift, gently and forgivingly bring attention back to the breath. A steady slow breath is always important. Slowly in- slowly out exhaling on the OM. Than as you get a repetition and  calm mind, gently bring awareness to a point of focus on the stillness. I listen to this with headphones when I have a lot on my mind and it works good  for me. After 20 minutes or so of this I usually have a really still mind and do self enquiry or just contemplate.. Try it for a week and after a while you will find that you just flow into that place of still mind after just a few minutes into the meditation.

[Gabriel Antonio]

What I notice in myself is that if I am having in meditation, that means stuff is coming to the surface that I was trying to numb down in my day-to-day life. Meditation always helps. It is like baking a bread. Suzuki Roshi says that in times of great difficulty, there is nothing that can helps us more than sitting.

Realize what you're going through is a phase. Try to limit the most negative behaviors and keep meditating...! Remember that meditation in a way is just sitting, so everything that's coming up already exists in you. You are only becoming aware of them.