Living My Life To The Fullest- Honoring My Life

[Yoremo]

So I really need to come to terms with my parents in some way. I am getting irritated and mad at them for very small things all the time.

So what I usually get mad at is when my dad especially is being slow in his thinking and I get frustrated and irritated by how slow he thinks and is. I also get irritated and mad when my parents aren´t "respecting me" the way I want them to. I feel a sense of entitlement to sleep without noise, an entitlement to get dinner in time so I won´t digest food when I should sleep and fuck up my sleep and a healthy dinner so I can recover from my injuries and just feel better. These are my biggest entitlements.

I have some egoic thing going on aswell, where I feel better than my parents and feel the urge to show them how bad they are. I try to point out how they are delusional and how they are stupid, and they seem kind of unfazed by this but if my experience with humans is correct then they are suppressing a lot of feelings, and I think I am hurting my parents really badly but they don´t want to show themselves weak.

I think that if I continue to do this I am going to break my parents, because they are so out of touch with their body and themselves that they won´t really tell people when they are hurt, but I am as always not so fazed by this as I can´t feel the full magnitude of the problem. I am not very attuned to my body or emotions either.

I can get mad when they are asking me normal questions parents usually ask, like "how was your day?". or "what have you done today?". And maybe this is something I can do my shadow work on. Because these questions provoke some feelings of "they want to get something out of me when they are asking this". I think I am going to do the shadow work where I see the world from their perspective, to feel into that and understand them more. To be more allowing of them as I have egoic reasons as I am going to stay home for a while, but also it would be an invaluable skill to be able to handle such people with ease and make the interactions a lot better by me being a better human being.

[Yoremo]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WZmUMRAN-qc

this is basically all I need for my social life, that plus the how to get laid series is all I need, now this video is even more actionable, will make out a plan for this in a couple of days, lesssss go!!!

[Yoremo]

shadow work

I am going to work on the fear of people not liking me. I am afraid of being myself because I don´t want to face the pain of people not accepting me for who I am.

AAI

Awareness

where is the feeling?

This feeling is in my heart, and at the bottom of my throat. Also in my breastbone and radiating down the right side of the chest.

how does this feeling feel?

In my throat it feels like I am being strangled, it is hard to get air. In my chest it feels as though there is a sharp pain coming from inside my bones in my chest. Feeling like someone pokes me with something sharp. {crying a bit}

How does this feeling look like?

In my throat it is an almost rectangular or almost a bit pointy like a spear going up my throat from beneath. It is orange. The shape of the feeling is very hard to define in my chest, as the pain comes and goes and goes into very irregular geometric shapes, sometimes rectangular, sometimes a spiky ball and other weird shapes. I can not feel what color it is, the pain in my chest is harder to define than the pain in my throat. When I focus on the feeling the pain in my chest arises and changes quickly. 

When did I first feel like this in my life?

I first felt like this when I was a kid, around the age of 7. I remember my brothers speaking to me very strongly about what they thought was good and bad in a human being. I don´t remember what kind of judgements they had about people, but I remember that I felt this almost worry-like feeling that I would be like that. The feeling was unpleasant and it felt wrong when they talked like this. I remember going into one of my brother´s room, with the wardrobe of wood on the left, his bed and wooden bedtable and the red rug and the wooden picture thing and his desk of wood also. I went in and felt a fear that he would think I was the wrong way. I was scared of what that would mean to me. I didn´t have any idea of what consequenses that would have, I was just very scared of his opinion. His opinion was valuable to me. So I played a role in his presence. I wasn´t myself, but I was a kid that joked a lot and I was quite irritating. But I was not myself and therefore I was safe. The person I was otherwise was a very mellow kid that wanted to talk about deep topics mostly, topics that most kids wouldn´t even consider to think about. I could do this with my grandma and my father and we talked about nature and some other stuff. I was very dependent on people loving me as a kid and being intimate with people, but I denied this part of me as that was not seen as cool enough and wasn´t accepted. I would probably have been called gay and bullied, maybe not from my brothers but from classmates. This was also true with my other brother, which during these years I liked more. He was a bit more childish than my other brother because he has autism for example and some other stuff. But this brother of mine I looked up to even more aswell, I remember wanting the same haircut as him and I was thinking about him a lot when choosing how to behave. I imitated him a lot because of this admiration, for example I got my backpack because he had one of that sort (don´t know what it´s called). There was a constant denying of genuine parts of myself because I wanted to be liked by my two brothers and also by their friends and my friends. This denying is the feeling I am feeling right now, and the reliance of denying myself has made me accustomed to it and therefore scared of being my genuine self.

These moralizations were not only made by my brothers, but also done by my parents but most importantly my classmates and older kids. It´d be a constant chatter of things being gay, weird, bad, dumb etc. etc. This jargon made me afraid to express myself as I didn´t want to be any of these things. The state I went in was a very robotic state where everything I did was things I for 100 % certainty knew would be accepted and liked.

where do you come from?

I come from a defense mechanism against a very judgemental environment. There is no other way to survive in a firefight than to either kill everyone else (which is hard) or hide which is what I did. I come from these talks with people whom had very strong opinions about what people was wrong or right and what behaviour was right or wrong. I come from an inability to cope with these harsh conversations and from the lack of courage to stand up for who I am.

I guess I know this, but nonetheless what are you protecting me from?

I am protecting you from the judgement of your real self, of the only self that actually matters.

I get what you are talking about. What do you want to say now?

I want to tell you that whenever people made statements like those I felt in a very peculiar way. I felt like I was watching someone beating someone else up. I felt that what this talk was was not right, it was something wrong with it. It all felt so wrong and I kind of wanted to interrupt and just tell them to shut up, but I never did because I didn´t really know why it felt so bad and weird.

Acknowledgement

What made me feel this way? what made me feel insecure and bad?

It made me feel this way because I felt that maybe I was some of those "bad" things they talked about. And the uncertainty of peoples reactions to me was just too much to bear. Also because of some criticism I felt that people watched my every footstep, I felt very watched and like people judged how I was doing. I don´t know exactly why but this made me feel weird and disgusting and shameful. I also didn´t have any role model to look up to, my parents, my brothers, my friends, my teachers all of these people were the same way. Judgemental they were and insecure, so I didn´t quite know what alternatives there were to how all the other people were living their lives. I didn´t know any better, I didn´t even know of the notion of not caring what other people think. I thought there was no alternative, I saw life very unclearly and couldn´t see how I could do and live different. This was completely impossible for me. There was no alternative for me, I was doomed to try and satisfy the people around me. I got indoctrinated a certain way without any other alternative even suggested.

How should I have been protected so that I could go through those experiences safely and learn without getting hurt?

here´s how the story would be: So a lot of people are condemning a lot of other people when I was young. I felt quite weird and almost disgusted as if seeing someone killing someone else and I couldn´t handle it. BUT, my life saver came into my life. A teacher saw how I was acting weirdly, and he saw through that and knew exactly what was going on. He then took me under his wing and became almost like a father to me and helped mentoring me to understand the functioning of the social game. He gave me invaluable lessons and made me realize deeply that no matter who I am I am going to be judged. And he made me feel comfortable being myself and getting criticism and hate on that, but to not get offended. He learned me about the human psychology and taught me how people are trying to fit in and how they want to do almost anything to do that. That´s why almost all people are doing this pretending game, because they think others will like them for it. And therefore there is no value in playing a part, nor value in valuing other´s opinions because they simply don´t matter. I got taught how to handle my emotions and how to work through difficult things and how to be a functioning human being. He cleared up the whole world for me and showed me how things actually work, he managed to get me to see clearly. Everything is alright, all the adults helped me and all the kids were nice and forgiving and conscious of the world and they never tried to hurt me, they tried to make me feel comfortable.'

Integration

I thank you for protecting me. I do understand you better now, and I do see why you protected me. And I am eternally grateful for that protection, and I want you to know that you did nothing wrong, you did exactly what you needed to do and what was the right thing to do. So you did everything right, and remember that this was not your fault, you are perfect just the way you are and I love you and accept you for just that. You can now be free of worries and troublesome thought, you can let go and be free. 

[Yoremo]

Going to not do shadow work or anything like that here anymore, feels like I am having a bullshit journal here. I won´t write big passages about things anymore, I am just going to write about whatever is going on in my life, and I am going to try to write more carefully and sincere and not just pour out as many words as I can as fast as I can. I want some more structure on this, and I want to do this journal because it kind of motivates me. Short, concise and dense is what I want here for myself.

Anyone who wants is welcome to post anything here.