Nothing I do changes my emotions now

[iboughtleosbooklist]

I can randomly think about how much I love the idea of my mother. I'll have a little cry then it will be let go of.

Then I'll think how I'm a infinitely delusional extremely creative singularity and it's cool but it's just going on it's own. The will is awesome, the ego always attached to it because it's so awesome and chooses such cool arcs.

But this emptiness feeling is totally fine. It's weird, it's like this is all I ever needed, and everything is breaking down and out of control but it's like okay at the same time. It was all just a dream.

Me wanting to be successful and win competitions, totally delusional. But also totally necessary to become a person and forget infinity. But nah not really, infinity is never remembered or forgot. It's just sensations and the movie making it seem like there's an individual passing through time.

But whatever this is, is content with feeling empty, and if unpleasant sensation comes up breathe deep. Until it's not. There's not even any seperate person to enjoy this, that's just a thought happening now. There's nothing to do. I feel my mind breaking down. It's scary, but scary is just a word I gave an unpleasant sensation to. 

If anyone is out there maybe reading this and it sounds bad, just know it's not. That's the vibe I got from some non-duality speakers. There is no happily ever after fairytale ending, but it's the emptiness/somethingness duality which you seek, that's the weird thing. And that never goes away. Life is exciting, but strangely you are just being the excitement, just because...

Why? why not?