I can't let go of the story

[iboughtleosbooklist]

I went to uni for fucks sake

I did pickup

I went surfing in bali

All the sunburn, the suffering

Like what the fuck

I drove across America

I made my parents proud with my surf lifesaving skills

But it was all a dream?

So, so, so much anxiety.

For nobody.

That's fucked up. And pretty funny.

Idk mate, the it's just love thing.

Every parents evening I would dread because my teachers would be like he sucks, then my parents would tell me off.

I had a newspaper round job and I hid all the papers in the attic and lost the job

I had a dishwashing job and got fired 2nd day by the girl who I got on with.

My friend had cancer and chemo and his face was all round.

Like this is so unconditionally free it's unbelievable.

All the car sickness

Getting kneed in the balls

The nervousness before a race

Failing exam papers

Choking in tennis matches

Getting pipped at the post and torturing myself for a year with how I should have been faster

Getting nervous in public speeches and stuttering

Charity fundraising

Like seriously WHAT THE FUCK

What is left?

I could go on and on and on and on

Right now I'm going therapy and discussing non-duality and she's considering if I have psychosis or autism

Am I about to go down an autism arc?

This can't all be for no reason at all, the story is way too elaborate, but what good is a story if I can't share it with others. 

 

 

 

[Nahm]

2 hours ago, iboughtleosbooklist said:

So, so, so much anxiety.

For nobody.

Right now I'm going therapy and discussing non-duality and she's considering if I have psychosis or autism

Am I about to go down an autism arc?

Careful of spiritual bypassing and aversion of understanding emotions. While I think therapy is helpful and you should continue with it, many therapists don’t understand their own emotions and misdiagnose accordingly. 

[Thought Art]

Sounds like old guilts and toxic shames are surfacing... Fully feel them and meet them with love. Love the version of you in all those situations.

Don't talk about non-duality with your therapist. I made the same mistake. Though, it did help me to vent to someone because I can be pretty introverted and talking to someone who knew nothing about it was sort of grounding. I was pretty deep in infinity and absolute truth territory really just going fucking balls to the wall at the time trying to understand absolute love and goodness and she was like.. yeah hey?

Our psychology and experience as humans is really complex... 

Just focus on your problems. When non-duality and enlightenment... though part of a similar vein are not the same thing as mental health, self love, healthy cognitive behaviour, breaking free from our shame etc.

Just be a real person. Don't let your therapist diagnose you though. However, listen you their concerns and be honest with yourself about where you are at.

You may need to start fresh from a new one and just talk to them in the realm they understand. 

Non-duality etc and all these ideas are not the same thing as being mentally stable and healthy and free of shame. Spiritual stuff is great, but theres more basic inner work that needs to be addressed first.

We need to consciously explore the territory of what it means to be living a human experience and address this basic shame, guilt, trauma, self esteem stuff I think before these deeper spiritual things can really flourish.

Edited December 10, 2021 by Thought Art

[PurpleTree]

2 hours ago, iboughtleosbooklist said:

This can't all be for no reason at all, the story is way too elaborate

Yea you just have to appreciate this elaborate work of art as good as you can

[Raze]

Read and practice happiness beyond thought by Gary Weber 

[Thought Art]

Take some time away from Leo, social media, videos, distractions and just sit, feel, journal maybe read a bit about shame and self love in a good book. Just disconnect from external stuff and just feel deeply and process. Do some yoga, journal, read, meditate, go for walks. Try some Qigong. Talk to a therapist, or try a new one. Just keep going.

You deserve love underneath all the mental movies and transference.  This deserving of love can't be taken away. It's the true nature.

Leave the lofty metaphysical shit aside for the time being. It's like being way to zoomed in when you need just your bare eyes to see whats around you.

Edited December 10, 2021 by Thought Art

[SOUL]

It's ok to appreciate the story, to enjoy the story but being attached to the story, identifying with the story and using it as justification is what leads to self suffering. Watch it like a movie.... you can watch a movie and really enjoy it without being attached to it, right? Like that.

 

Oh and many therapists have no clue what to do with the nondual idea, instead frame it as cognitive behavioral therapy(CBT) and they will have a better understanding to work with you.