Motherhood

[ElenaO]

On 4/14/2023 at 10:10 AM, Something Funny said:

I hope everything goes well. But no matter the outcome I think you shouldn't blame yourself, there are things that we can't really control in life.

And it's also not nice of your husband to let all his frustration out onto you.

Thank you. It seems like everything's fine after all. For now. 
Thank you again for being so supportive.

[ElenaO]

Yesterday's blood test showed I have over 16 thousand units of hCG. Which means the value is growing, so I think we are fine. I haven't got any comments from APRN (the nurse) so don't know for sure, but I think the trend is positive. 
Honestly, I am sick of being worried. Luke got some sort of disease and he's had fever since yesterday. There are no other symptoms but a small rash on inner part of his elbows and thighs. If this does not resolve within tomorrow I am definitely calling the doctor. He's actually doing fine mood-wise, which is surprising considering his fever. 
I myself am such a wreck. My shins and calves really hurt and it makes it hard and painful to walk. I do not enjoy going on walks anymore because I cannot and because it's just too painful. So one piece of my happiness has been basically taken away. To add insult to injury, that's my way of exercise (besides yoga) and now I just cannot do it anymore... Right now all I actually want is lay in bed for hours. Which is actually do a lot when I get to, when Luke is sleeping. 
Carl is back from his trip to Spokane and I am looking forward to napping in the mornings. 

 

[ElenaO]

I'm back with worries back in my head. The nurse wrote today in the morning in reference to results saying that I need to go get an ultrasound to outrule a possible abnormal pregnancy. I feel like I am living in a rollercoaster world, there are strong feelings associated with pregnancy. 
I did decide I won't worry until Wednesday when I'll actually know what's going on. But it's draining, all this back and forth: you have miscarriage, you don't have miscarriage...

The life is repetitive too and it makes me feel crazy sometimes. In some ways that's something to be grateful for, because I know what to expect from Luke and I know exactly when and what is going to happen throughout the day. But it's also annoying in other ways, especially because I think I am not achieving what I want and I just get the bare minimum done per day. A reason for that is still my exhaustion. I also have sciatica pain (that's what my physical therapist told me today). The good news is that I don't need to be sitting down, because it's not helpful. I need to learn to use my pelvic and core muscles more while walking.

Luke has been especially irritable and frustrated today, he's had multiple episodes when he would cry for super small reasons. And sometimes it's BIG feelings. Of course, it's all relative. I think we have a rather calm boy compared to some  
 

[ElenaO]

We are in a gray area in regards to pregnancy. It's unclear and will become more certain on Tuesday when I go back in for another ultrasound. The baby had a very low heart rate at the exam this week (60 bpm, super low), plus he or she was tiny. 12 days younger than I calculated. Which makes us wonder if the baby just doesn't develop... I am afraid to even write about it, fearing that writing will make it true. Of course, nothing that I do or think changes how things are. 

We went with Luke to the dentist yesterday and they found no cavities (great, great, great). They put some paste on his teeth and cleaned them with a toothbrush. The cleaning seemed like a regular teeth cleaning to me. She explained they are looking mostly for bleeding of the gums when doing that. He's doing well. Luke still has 4 more teeth to go until his full set is complete. He took it pretty well at the doctor (he understands much more now and you can actually explain what will happen). I talked to him before the visit multiple times saying that the doctor will look at his teeth. He seemed to understand, because he started touching his teeth. 


 

[ElenaO]

We both are sad about certain things, but I am also grateful for how things are either way. We have Luke, who's healthy, we are healthy, we are all capable and smart in our family. This is a huge gift. If you look around, there are so many people who are unfortunate due to their lack of money, capability, just misfortune, health. 
I am reading a story of a woman who's been handicapped since birth. Everyone treats her like some ugly unattractive human, who will not be ever be able to experience the same treatment or opportunities as an average human. This is so crazy. Just like that - you are born with a disability and you lose already from the start. 

[ElenaO]

I found out on Tuesday that the baby inside of me is dead...
I felt sad for this human being who didn't get to live. This miscarriage is worse than the first one because I actually got to see the baby on the ultrasound. I saw him on Tuesday and the week before when he still had a heart rate. It's so sad... I actually felt less sadness last time, maybe because I was so miserable otherwise (all the pregnancy hormones made me feel anhedonic, not wanting anything, terrible nausea, irritation). 

We did the transvaginal and the nurse couldn't find the heart rate on Tuesday and the baby hasn't grown at all since the last time, so they decided it's conclusive. I'm still going to take an hcg test this Friday for reference for the future when the bleeding begins. 
The weird part (mostly for my husband) is that the baby is still inside of me. And from my calculations he has passed many days (if not weeks) ago. Somehow my body still considers that I am to nourish his life and that's why I am still feeling nauseated and very fatigued. More than that, it's strange that the baby is still inside and I have no symptoms of miscarriage whatsoever.

I decided I wanted to wait for the tissue to pass on its own. I'll wait and see for a week and may change my mind at that point. 
I don't think we'll try again. That's what we are both inclined to do. 
I have many different feelings in regards to what happened.
1. I feel very sad for this baby. He or she never got to live. I also felt it's so saddening that he or she got to die alone without anyone's holding her or him.

2. I feel like I seriously failed. I mean 2 miscarriages in a row. now I feel like I need to prove my worth to my husband.
3. I don't know what will follow: should I start searching for jobs now and have Luke join a daycare? This has to be all planned, because none of this was in our future plans.  
 

[ElenaO]

I am back from another ultrasound today which again confirmed the baby has passed away. He stopped growing at 6 weeks and actually started becoming smaller (this is so creepy I am not sure I should have written it). 
The reason I went for another ultrasound is because my hCG levels are very high. Just like I would have a normal pregnancy. Hence I have all the pregnancy symptoms: nausea, fatigue. I also didn't nap today because of the ultrasound appt and all I was waiting is for this day to become evening when I can relax. 
Honestly, I don't know how I'd be able to handle two kids when I can barely do a decent job with one child. Most importantly, I cannot say I am all over the moon about my life. Most likely it's also because of all my hormonal changes, but a lot of things  right now are hard job to lift. Even doing yoga in the morning requires will power, which was not the case before. 
I'll be talking to my nurse tomorrow and will ask for medication to end the failed pregnancy (that's what they officially call it). I won't get the pills until the weekend though, because it takes time for order to process. 
It's so strange that my body doesn't realize that the baby isn't developing and doesn't give up. It's tricked to think everything's fine and it should continue the pregnancy. 

[Something Funny]

@ElenaO I am so sorry. 

Please, don't think that this is your fault or that you have failed your husband.

First of all, this isn't true because there are things in life that we can't control that much and people should accept that.  

Secondly,  your worth is not defined by your ability to give birth. You are a person, not a baby factory. 

Also, your husband should be already really grateful for you giving him a son and spending so much time and effort looking after him. 

[ElenaO]

@Something Funny Thank you for your kind words and for the sympathy.
I do understand all of this logically and I agree that I am not a baby factory and that I have a right to have and do more than just produce and raise children. However, on the other side I do somewhat understand that it's me who's meant to carry a baby (men cannot do that). And I am sorry I couldn't perform on this as much as I would like. This was indeed out of my control and I didn't do anything wrong. Yet there's still a burning feeling that I failed. Because I did, maybe not consciously but I did. However, there's nothing I can do about it. I think we'll all just have to accept it and move on.
 

[Something Funny]

@ElenaO <3

[ElenaO]

DO NOT READ BELOW if you are triggered by death or biological related details of miscarriage.

The Friday night was horrible. Because of mifopristone my nausea worsened and I barely slept at night. I also had scary images half-asleep half-awake of the baby being removed from me. I woke up and the day was just as hard as the night because of the lack of sleep. I took misoprostol around noon and the bleeding started around 2 hours later. The tissue started passing a little later after. I did scoop some of it to see what it is to try to identify the embryo, but it was all just tissue without any form whatsoever. It looked like caviar or you could say pieces of liver. It was so strange. 
I think most of the heavy bleeding stopped around midnight or sometime after when I was asleep. 
 

We met with Gagik and Stella today, they had Alice with them. Luke wasn't interested in playing with her at all, but that's a usual scenario. He was running and curious about the playground instead. Apparently Luke speaks way more words than Alice (at least according to her parent's words). Maybe because she's in daycare so she doesn't get individual attention and interaction with adults. Who knows.

 

[Something Funny]

Hi, how are you feeling?

[ElenaO]

On 5/11/2023 at 0:45 PM, Something Funny said:

Hi, how are you feeling?

Hi! I am feeling better now. This everything isn't over but it's definitely moving in the right direction. 
Thank you for asking.

[ElenaO]

We traveled to Bellingham on Friday and stayed there for a night. Left back to Seattle on Saturday late morning.
It was all good except for the sleep. Especially for Luke. He didn't have his normal nap, instead he napped 30 minutes in the car (vs 2.5 hours which we usually get in the crib!). Hence, he was all wiry but still handled it pretty well. The bedtime though gave me some "gray hair". I already forgot how it was when he was screaming (literally hysterical scream) when trying to fall asleep. We don't deal with this anymore. But that night either because everything was new, or because he was overtired, he couldn't fall asleep. I stayed by his crib for an hour after putting him in. He screamed so much that he became all sweaty so I changed him into a lighter sleep sack. It all made me worried: did he get too much sun exposure, was he dehydrated (I kept giving him water while he was trying to fall asleep). At that point I felt like this trip wasn't worth it. 
Overall, though, the experience was very nice. Except we are all still recovering from it. I am physically tired, so is Carl, so is Luke, I believe.

 

[ElenaO]

One more cute thing. Luke started telling me his experiences while breastfeeding in the evening. It goes like this: bike, cool (school), dada (dad), buball (basketball). Meaning he biked with Dada to the school and saw basketball. It's just very very cute

[Something Funny]

That's awesome )

[ElenaO]

On 5/14/2023 at 10:02 PM, Something Funny said:

That's awesome )

Thank you

[ElenaO]

Luke had a major breakdown today. I think it was a tantrum of like 20-25 minutes. And I couldn't do anything to stop it. I read months before that you just let it run its course. 
I think he has a sleep debt, probably from the travel and also from not sleeping enough at nights for the last few nights, as it's been hot and then it becomes too cold for him (all my guesses).
After having the tantrum he finally calmed himself (all by himself!) down by lying down on the floor in the living room next to his toys, and sucked his thumb. I think he was trying to fall asleep, but not sure. I set down next to him and first didn't touch him as I was afraid it would restart the whole thing again. After a few minutes I just massaged his back. 
I tried to take him to his bed later but he started crying again and didn't want to stay in bed. So we went to our bedroom and he laid down on me for a few minutes. And then everything was sort of fine again. It was strange. 
We went downstairs to eat breakfast and then went for a short outing in our yard. 
 

[ElenaO]

Carl left to New York today for a work trip. I'll be on my own until Friday evening. My Mom's helping though, 2.5 h-3h a day. 
Luke started having tantrums nearly daily. 2 nights ago he had also a hysteria when I put him to bed for the night. He couldn't fall asleep. It was horrific.  He would scream when I leave (it reminds me very much of the sleep training days. Man, that was tough...). He would calm down when I come back but would restart when I leave. He clearly couldn't fall asleep, even though he tried. I felt so bad for him  Even now thinking about it makes me want to cry. This lasted for about 40-50 minutes. I was stressed out, he was stressed out. Man, some days are definitely still tough.
He does speak a lot more now. He knows a lot. Sometimes I am surprised how can he remember all these words. Also his speaking and pronunciation is very cute. Even him saying no is extremely cute. Because he also has a childish voice. I am fond of him so much. And I love him deeply. 
 

[ElenaO]

Carl is back. Luke hasn't had tantrums for 2 days, which is nice! 
We went to Pocket Park both these 2 days and I enjoyed it actually. Especially yesterday's outing. I spoke to a mom who has a 2.5 year old. She gave me lots of interesting info and just seemed to be down to earth. (This isn't often the case with the people I meet. I think I am also sensitive to how people communicate to me, because of previous traumas?).  I would have liked to have her as a friend. We haven't exchanged info but I hope I can meet her again and we could be friends. Her son though wasn't too nice. But I guess you cannot expect much from 2.5 years olds. Luke is more submissive (at least right now) when these boys start taking his space. I felt bad for him and for myself that I couldn't do anything about it. It hurt. I think it's related to the wounds I have from past experiences.