Can't make my current GF cum, feeling bad about it

[4201]

40 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

It's pathetic for a man to not be able to make his girl cum.

You are the one having those judgements either of yourself and others.

Who do you sleep with, how many times you have sex, whether you have orgasms or not or how many, all of this is to your discretion and nobody judges you about this. Your self-worth is not defined by this. Yet this is what is being implied with this statement.

Based on your videos and posts, It appears from my POV that you personally think (at times) that self-worth is tied to either your bed performance or ability to attract women but in reality they are absolutely not. They are just very specific aspects of life you can get good at if you want (nothing wrong with it) but without more. 

40 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

Yeah, trauma spoils relationships and should be worked on for the benefit of both parties.

I agree this is the goal but in my experience, treating the trauma like a problem you are going to fix just doesn't work since the person is identified with the trauma. Your attempts to fix the trauma are interpreted (by the person) as attempts to fix the person, since the person believe they are their trauma. (That's what a trauma is). This reinforces the belief that there is a problem with them in the first place (which is what the trauma is) and is likely to put them on the defensive since you are directly trying to change what they think they are.

In reality there's literally nothing to do to "fix" it, since the trauma doesn't exist in the first place, it just is "thought to be". No matter how much you dig into someone else's past you cannot let go of thoughts and beliefs for someone else. But you can do your best to alleviate the fear and insecurity that makes them cling to their beliefs. Hence the point of making them feel loved and valid so that they have the space to process those emotions. If you treat their trauma (their sense of self) as a problem they will feel unloved and invalid.

 

But regardless of the approach you want to use to help someone else with their trauma, you need to accept them in their current state. If you don't accept their current state and are in a hurry for them to change so you can fullfill your personal need, it's not going to work. Rather than forcing someone else to change for you (with the excuse that it also helps them) you may find value in digging into your own needs and where they are rooted from. That may make you untie your happiness from the state your partner is in (or from the need of having a partner, if you are single), eliminating a lot of stress and unpleasant neediness.

Edited December 6, 2021 by 4201

[4201]

1 hour ago, mandyjw said:

I guess that's why they're called numbers. 

As a computer scientist and math lover, I'm deeply offended 

[mandyjw]

Just now, 4201 said:

As a computer scientist and math lover, I'm deeply offended 

 Well infinity is ungraspable, and numbers are all just little imaginary slices of infinity. So it's pretty numb to count on them that much, I'd say. You can count on me though! Just kidding, I'm a total disappointment. Unlimited Pi just goes round and round full circle. Where it stops, no one knows! 

 

[somegirl]

1 hour ago, Leo Gura said:

It's pathetic for a man to not be able to make his girl cum. What kind of relationship is that?

This is so true... Something is wrong if this doesn't happen. 

@Value Maybe you could try to focus more on what is pleasurable to her. What feels the best to her. Be genuinely interested in that. You should be interested in that anyway. As she should. 

I have other possibility as to why this is potentially happening but I'll pull it back and see if anything above resonates with you. 

[Lyubov]

15 hours ago, Yarco said:

She's probably too self-conscious and in her own head to enjoy it.

She might be self-conscious about her body, maybe letting her stay partially covered or turning the lights off will help.

Some women have also basically been told by society that vaginas are dirty and gross and have that to overcome.

If you're doing the "how to make a girl squirt" vid technique then you'll have to re-assure her that it's normal to feel like she's going to pee and that she isn't, or she'll be too tense to orgasm.

It might be nothing about you... just thinking about work, too stressed, too tired.

I've found that the passion dying over time in a relationship is a real thing too. Early on in my current relationship the sex was wild, I'd Leo's technique and make my gf cum about 5 or 6 times back-to-back casually before going out to dinner. Early in a relationship your body is releasing all the feel-good chemicals and the attraction is crazy. But eventually you stop fucking like animals

Good points. It could be her own psychological blockages. I’ve found a few things work to overcome this. 

1) listening and not judging. Basically getting a nonjudgemental avenue of communication going. This can be a little tricky cause she may be closed off at first. Get her talking about sex and start getting an idea of what’s going on in her head. Creating a judgement free zone!

2) Willingness to pleasure her. This goes hand in hand with listening. Show her that you want to make the sex better and really want to make her cum. Make her feel love, safe and cared for. This can allow her to relax and be less tense during sex. 

3) Tell her how beautiful she is. Really express in words how beautiful you find her and how turned on you are by her body. This type of compliments given to your girlfriend can help boost her confidence if it’s a visual thing. Even my gf sometimes gets anxious and tells me not to look, especially when taking out the buttplug  I’d say really assuring her she is beautiful and you look looking upon her can get her to relax. Make it clear nothing about her visually repulses you or is judged by you.  

[Lyubov]

2 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

Dude, you think this girl is happy not cumming? Please...

He's part of this relationship too. It's pathetic for a man to not be able to make his girl cum. What kind of relationship is that? It's a bad situation and she should be taking responsibility for this nonsense because it is fixable. Acting like a poor victim is not a solution.

Yeah, trauma spoils relationships and should be worked on for the benefit of both parties.

I agree with you in essence but your post makes it look like you totally lack the sensitivity, maturity, artfulness and finesse to actually dive into and overcome an issue like this yourself. It’s just plainly obvious in how you write, but I obviously don’t know how you are in practice. It looks like you would bail quickly on it and not put even a fraction of the energy and passion you put in your videos that you would into the relationship to fix an issue like this. 

I actually faced a similar issue like this in my relationship. It didn’t have to do with orgasms but overall a feeling of sexual incompatibility from my end and her feeling a lack of passion on mine. She was kinda shut off and I wasn’t enjoying the sex. It took a lot of work and patience but we made it through and I noticed it is a continuous process we confront occasionally. The absolute most exhilarating life changing, passion filled, kinky, god levels of sex isn’t usually just something that happens effortlessly at first. It takes a lot of work and bluntness is one way to go about it but it needs to be approached from many angles with patience and in different ways at different times. It’s a complex issue few deep relationships won’t face.  

Edited December 6, 2021 by Lyubov

[somegirl]

32 minutes ago, Lyubov said:

Make her feel love, safe and cared for. This can allow her to relax and be less tense during sex. 

Making her feel safe with you is top one priority in these dynamics. 

She should feel you are actively taking good care of  her physical and psychological health.

....

[Leo Gura]

7 hours ago, Lyubov said:

I agree with you in essence but your post makes it look like you totally lack the sensitivity, maturity, artfulness and finesse to actually dive into and overcome an issue like this yourself.

I have pretty high standards. I am not going to be babysitting a girl with serious trauma. I expect her to have that stuff handled. I am not going to be her therapist.

If you want to be her therapist, that's your choice. But if a girl doesn't cum with me, sorry, I am moving on. She should have that handled on her end. And it's not like I'm going to wait for months to find this out. It will be pretty obvious after a few rounds of sex.

One of the things that comes with doing a lot of work on myself is that I expect others to do the same. It's only fair. Otherwise don't date a guy who has spent decades polishing himself. You don't have to be perfect, but there must be an attitude of working on oneself.

This is called having standards and screening.

[Loba]

@Leo Gura What if a girl was messed up but she like was talented?
I'm not there yet, but I plan on being super talented in at least two years' time, with the ability to convey God in visual forms.
Not looking to date actually, but I'm just kind of curious about the value of an artist's hand.

I have ideas that within a few years I think I could make into really interesting works of art.

Is it really for some people that a little thing like that would be a deal breaker?

 

[Lyubov]

54 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

I have pretty high standards. I am not going to be babysitting a girl with serious trauma. I expect her to have that stuff handled. I am not going to be her therapist.

If you want to be her therapist, that's your choice. But if a girl doesn't cum with me, sorry, I am moving on. She should have that handled on her end. And it's not like I'm going to wait for months to find this out. It will be pretty obvious after a few rounds of sex.

One of the things that comes with doing a lot of work on myself is that I expect others to do the same. It's only fair. Otherwise don't date a guy who has spent decades polishing himself. You don't have to be perfect, but there must be an attitude of working on oneself.

This is called having standards and screening.

You’ve mentioned it a bunch here before. You expect to find a near perfect trauma free partner that’s done decades of work on themselves. Even if they have done that, such a relationship will still require a lot of grueling work. It’s fairy tale ending type thinking if you think a relationship without some sort of serious issue like this at its core is going to happen. People win the lottery sometimes I guess. Living out standards and screening from a place of presence is different from vowing to yourself you have high standards and writing about it. I can relate to what you said, I’ve been in a relationship once where she was just learning to walk and I was learning to fly. There is just a dimension and breadth of experience missing in your prior post that makes it look like you haven’t overcome a very serious issue like this with a partner before. Maybe you have with some other issue that was more tolerable for you. I’ve played  therapist before. It wasn’t the worst thing but maybe this is far more of a deal breaker for you. If anything I feel fine giving such a level of containment and it’s a type of clarity I can offer due to the work I’ve done. I just can’t imagine finding such a girl like this without any sort of issues. At a certain point it looks like cold feet and an avoidance to dive into this domain of life fully to find great treasure. Zero trauma, sexy, cums easy, fun personality, does personal development, etc; you can only pick a few from the list. 

Edited December 7, 2021 by Lyubov

[kray]

On 12/5/2021 at 3:11 PM, Value said:

I watched Leo's videos about sex a while back and applied it with my previous GF's with good results, nothing like the 5-10 orgasms per night he is talking about but they got to cum at least 1 and sometimes 2 or 3 times per night. But with my current GF I haven't been able to make her cum even once in our 4 months of knowing each other.

What I have noticed is that she doesn't seem to follow my lead in the foreplay, and she won't relax and let me touch her / lick her for very long. I have tried many things but I can't seem to make her relax in the foreplay.

Any tips? I really feel bad about this atm to be honest.

Try making her more comfortable? Ease her into it maybe?

[ThermalTide]

for what its worth, some of the best sexual experiences I've had (I'm a girl) did not include an orgasm. Women are, generally speaking, really into the emotional connection that comes with sex. I would suggest not worrying about it too much, as has been said already, but truly it's not the most important part of the experience. Focus on being the best partner you can be, in and outside the bedroom, and everything else will follow. Technique is fine and for sure research and try different things, but don't feel guilty or weird if she doesn't cum. It's pretty common and normal. Creating a super close bond and feeling comfortable with each other is how an orgasm will eventually be achieved. 

[bejapuskas]

I am a guy, but I thought this might still help. When I am receiving, it is almost like I can sense the intent/feeling of the other person. If they are stressed/insecure/worried etc., I will not be able to enjoy anything they do to me. Are you confident about yourself or no? Sorry if this was already brought up before.

[tsuki]

10 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

This is called having standards and screening.

@Leo Gura What you call your personal standards stop being personal once you are vocal about them in a community that looks up for your guidance.

Yes, you have said to not believe you, not copy you, do the work, etc, but in the end it is not a student's fault when a teacher spouts nonsense from their personal bias.

19 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

Dude, you think this girl is happy not cumming? Please...

He's part of this relationship too. It's pathetic for a man to not be able to make his girl cum. What kind of relationship is that?

Choosing to be in a relationship with a woman that has been traumatized is not pathetic. That is you spouting nonsense from your personal bias. What you wrote is just disgraceful.

[Value]

@somegirl Ofc that's always my main focus. May I ask what the other thing you could think about would be?

Thanks for the input folks. To bridge the gap between differing opinions a little, I think we can all agree on that the point is for me to give her the best experience possible

[Nahm]

@Value

https://youtu.be/EAHPGVrvBFQ

It’s not actually about you, or sex. Careful not to believe it is and internalize. More ego doesn’t actually help where more alignment is called for. You are not, and can not be the solution. You can definitely help, but you’d have to understand how. Prior to that, you’d have to know what you want. 

[ZenRising]

On 06/12/2021 at 4:54 AM, Leo Gura said:

Sounds like this is a her-problem.

Sounds right to me.... that said, it is very problematic to make orgasm the entire focus and objective of sex within a couple... Making it ok that you or your partner don't have to orgasm ever time opens the door to a lot more relaxed fun and exploration, in my experience at least...

[Loba]

Leo, if you say it is pathetic that the guy can't make a girl cum, then why do you break it off with the girl if she can't?

I haven't had an orgasm with a guy before, but I can do it on my own.  Most girls can give themselves orgasms.  I dated a guy once who expected this from me and I broke it off with him because he expected that I should do it timed at the same time he did.  Just the expectation was enough to turn me off 100 percent.

There are so many things that make people valuable, not just the ability to cum.
What if there is a girl out there who isn't perfect, but is perfect enough for you and you'll never know because your standards are too high?

What if a little bit of pain and struggle is what makes it worth it?  Why look for smooth sailing all the time?

[tsuki]

Personal sex preferences, arranging ones life to one's benefit - all fine, whatever the content. Speaking of it in a manner that suggests any form of a superior lifestyle? Disgrace unfitting of a teacher.

There are many women that don't orgasm during regular sex, for all sorts of reasons. If sex is the central point of a relationship to you, say it plainly. But don't assume a role of a model that speaks of what relationships should look like and what is pathetic.

I've seen a lot of shit talked here on this forum but I haven't been so pissed off in a long time.

[Lyubov]

1 hour ago, tsuki said:

Personal sex preferences, arranging ones life to one's benefit - all fine, whatever the content. Speaking of it in a manner that suggests any form of a superior lifestyle? Disgrace unfitting of a teacher.

There are many women that don't orgasm during regular sex, for all sorts of reasons. If sex is the central point of a relationship to you, say it plainly. But don't assume a role of a model that speaks of what relationships should look like and what is pathetic.

I've seen a lot of shit talked here on this forum but I haven't been so pissed off in a long time.

I agree with everything you said. For me sex is the most important thing in the relationship. It’s obvious he hasn’t overcome an issue like this or if he has he gave up quickly, because when you overcome something like this with a person you love, you reach a level of sexual ecstasy and intimacy that is basically the equivalent of an awakening experience, mind blowing forms of sexual life changing experience. Really stuff that’s difficult to put into words but it grows a person exponentially. At least it’s one path towards them. There may be others when it comes to relationship issues. My advice to the op would be to not give up on this if he loves her. The treasure in this domain may be closer than he realizes. It was the case for me. 

Edited December 7, 2021 by Lyubov