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BabyBat

Psychological Renewal Through Return To The Center

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To rebuild a human out of scratch:

Easy:
Be more creative
Make some pieces of artwork describing struggles of the journey
Meditation
Find employment - pref work w/ caring for animals
Decorate apartment
Stretch
Exercise
Dental cleaning
New glasses
Be more grateful
Read more
Finish tattoo on shoulder blade
Good posture
Quit pot

Intermediate:
Try to be more dependable
Forgiveness
Judgement
Empathy
Compassion
Being humble - no one upping
Anger
Honesty
Find emotional triggers
Health
Nutrition
Start morning routine
Go to bed at 10, wake at 7
Quit caffeine
Start therapy

Difficult:
Depression
Rumination
Phobias
Shyness
Self compassion
Being less self centered
Give and take
Negativity - leave the past behind
Motivation - stop being lazy
Being direct about own wants and needs
Reduce internet use to 2 hours a day

Core Issues:
Anxiety
Projection
Victim mentality
Black and white thinking - safe or dangerous - good or bad, ect
Boundaries
Integrating child self with adult self
 

The Crux:
http://studopedia.info/6-85774.html
Psychological Renewal Through Return to the Center

"Hi! I’m Asuka! Asuka Langley Soryu.
Charmed, huh?
What are you, stupid!?
Now’s my chance!
Look at me, damn it, look at me!
No, none of this is the real me!!"


Start date: Jan 1st - 2017

3

Reminder to self:
"Stay warm", be humble, listen to your quietest intuition
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jhGI0X6jhSQ

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First Journal Entry - 12/31

I cleaned up half of my apartment yesterday.  I’m hoping to get the whole place cleaned up before midnight so that I can start the New Year off with a fresh start…
I think that Dylan is still interested… I should probably talk to him directly about what has been going on but I’m not sure what to say and don’t want to add any more drama to his life.  All of his friends are telling me things like, “Wake up, Alice!” and… “What on Earth are you doing?” and stuff… I already did enough damage, so, gotta go… God damnit.  Everywhere I fucking go.  Drama.  If I could just chill the fuck out and stop being such a piece of shit then this wouldn’t be a problem.  
If I really work hard this year and if he’s still single in a year’s time - not likely, looks like the ex is sniffing around - then maybe things could be turned around.  After this journal entry, I shouldn’t talk about these problems anymore...  They’re sitting around in my mind and have been dissected inside out and nothing is changing.  I really wanted to leave this city and find a home within myself and this man.  My chance finally came and I was too fucked up to take it… :( 

So, here’s to changes, a fresh start and being responsible.
 

 

0

Reminder to self:
"Stay warm", be humble, listen to your quietest intuition
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jhGI0X6jhSQ

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1/1/17

Goals for January:

-Quit pot 
-Quit caffeine
-Exercise/stretch daily - 10 mins exercise, 10 mins stretch
-Meditate daily - 15 mins morning and night
-Finish painting buffalo skull - bat in sunset design - representational of the death of the psyche, the ego - the skull - the darkness - the bat - rebirth - portion of the skull, daylight - birds and blue sky breaking through - the personality, the soul of this creature immortalized - this song - inspiration - it's name: Amorael -  keep going! 

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

-Doctors appointment
-Go to bed at 10 - wake at 7

1

Reminder to self:
"Stay warm", be humble, listen to your quietest intuition
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jhGI0X6jhSQ

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1/2/17

 

Days without pot?: 1 (threw away pipe)
Days without caffeine?: 1
Days without complaining?: 0 (dealt w/ fam today)
Meditate?: yes
Stretch?: yes
Exercise?: yes
Wake up on time?: hell no
Go to bed on time?: yes… g’night.
Work on art?: yes!
Make doc apt?: ...no

Other accomplishments:
cleaned apartment for a few hours

Resources, advice, quotes, music, funny stuff:

What can we learn through betrayal? - Eckhart Tolle

 

It all goes back in the box... - What really matters! - John Ortberg

 

Living w/ two personalities - Alan Watts

0

Reminder to self:
"Stay warm", be humble, listen to your quietest intuition
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jhGI0X6jhSQ

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1/3/17

 

Days without pot?: 2
Days without caffeine?: 2
Days without complaining?: 0
Meditate?: no
Stretch?: yes

Exercise?: yes
Wake up on time?: no
Go to bed on time?: no - too busy
Work on art?: yes
Make doc apt?: yes; tomorrow

Other accomplishments: Cleaned apartment summore, decorated a bit

Resources, advice, quotes, music, funny stuff:

 

 

Watch flesh-eating beetles strip bodies to the bone - Deep Look

 

 

What does it feel like to die? - DNews Plus

 

 

Weird on a monday night - Younger brother

 

 

Good wolf speech

0

Reminder to self:
"Stay warm", be humble, listen to your quietest intuition
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jhGI0X6jhSQ

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1/4/17

 

Days without pot?: 3
Days without caffeine?: 3
Days without complaining?: 0
Meditate?: ½ meditated @ night
Stretch?: yes

Exercise?: yes
Wake up on time?: no
Go to bed on time?: no, too busy
Work on art?: yes!


Other accomplishments: nothing today

Resources, advice, quotes, music, funny stuff:

 

 

The pre-mortem technique - actualized

 

 

Why are me so attached to our things? - Christian Jarrett

 

 

Existential Macbook

1

Reminder to self:
"Stay warm", be humble, listen to your quietest intuition
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jhGI0X6jhSQ

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1/5/17

 

No pot, no caffeine, didn't do anything else today.  Felt so sick.  Autoimmune issues.  Sleepy...

Angry at that guy for going back to his ex.  Angry at friends for leaving me because I got sick.  Angry at family for not offering to help me out.  Angry at my family for being pieces of shit... left my grandmother to die alone, buried my grandfather with a dog, molested me, tried to murder me, drown me in fking bathtub... suffering from an illness is a treat for my mother.  She is a legit sadist.  Dad says things like, "Gunna shoot the family and then myself."  I say to him once, "Do you have any feelings?"  He says, "Why don't I stop the car by the road and beat you with a lead pipe?"

Begging for that man to fall in love with me.  Never really been in love.  Terrified of human beings.  Look down to the ground, someone passing by the sidewalk.  Take a different route in the grocery store.  12 am,  no one's in the isles.  Don't look at me!  Do they see me?  Do they judge me?

Behavioral issues.  Terrified of death, wishing for it at the same time.  Always afraid.  The sound of traffic, a door closing - I jump - cortisol running through my body.  No peace.  Looking for a moment of peace, of clarity.  To breath.  To feel free.  Emotional suppression.  Flat affect.  Can't show fear, it's not socially acceptable.  Relegate that to the back of the mind and stay there for a while, becomes habit, you know?  Softly talking to oneself.  A tic.  A twitch.  Not insanity, but the habit of deep rumination, nonstop terror.

That man I loved.  Worked so hard to prove I was good enough.  New girlfriend looks rich... why is money so important to people?  Leapfrogging on my life... no shame from him.  Loved me the most though, getting drunk off shy girl sex, wrap my arms up 'round his neck, breaking down babygirls, no shame, no damned shame.

And this fool here, old high school crush, peaking out from behind a book.  See him, soft voice, clumsy, hands in his pockets - find him ten years later, fall in love with his writing, conveying such emotional depth.  Synchronicity?  Bullshit.  Gunna be my Bear?  No, I see you breaking those promises just like the others.  You're no different.  Just another bad news Bear.  That chick got back with you?  But you promised me.  You left me waiting, for something that wasn't working for you.  Wear your heart on your sleeves, there is no chase.  The girl you'd want.  But no chase.  Now she's sick.  What do you owe some sick ass babygirl?  Nothin'.  Love's like real-estate.  You left your little Bow-woof sitting here.  And you fuckin' promised.  When it all goes to shit, don't you think of me.  Only in hindsight do you want the woman who loves hard... because then you've got your fuckin' chase.  Stupid.  
 

 

1

Reminder to self:
"Stay warm", be humble, listen to your quietest intuition
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jhGI0X6jhSQ

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1/6/17

 

Days without pot?: 5
Days without caffeine?: 0 - when I run out I won’t buy anymore.
Days without complaining?: 0 (this is gunna be tough…)
Meditate?: ½ did it at night
Stretch?: yes
Exercise?: yes
Wake up on time?: no
Go to bed on time?: no (need to buy an alarm clock, and a new phone this month)
Work on art?: yiss!


Other accomplishments: nothing new today

Resources, advice, quotes, music, funny stuff:

Found this song today, been listening to it.

 

https://www.quora.com/What-causes-idealistic-people-to-become-more-pragmatic-at-the-expense-of-their-idealism

0

Reminder to self:
"Stay warm", be humble, listen to your quietest intuition
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jhGI0X6jhSQ

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Posted (edited)

This character just came out yesterday.  Damn I relate.  Aggretsuko... hahaha!  Haha! Ha! Aye yay yay...

 

Days without pot?: 6
Days without caffeine?: 0
Days without complaining?: 0
Meditate?: ½ @ night
Stretch?: yes
Exercise?: yes
Wake up on time?: no
Go to bed on time?: no
Work on art?: yes


Other accomplishments: Was extremely positive today!  I also felt genuinely happy for a period of time.


Resources, advice, quotes, music, funny stuff:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zf8PWSQaEwY

Why death is just an illusion

Someone sent me this, made me feel pretty good about my resolve to be a lone wolf for this year.
Damn str8.

15823235_10154857777252354_4242899094403266359_n.jpg

Edited by Babybat
0

Reminder to self:
"Stay warm", be humble, listen to your quietest intuition
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jhGI0X6jhSQ

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1/8/17

 

Days without pot?: 1 whole week!
Days without caffeine?: 1
Days without complaining?: 1!
Meditate?: no
Stretch?: yes

Exercise?: yes
Wake up on time?: no - buying alarm clock tomorrow
Go to bed on time?: no i just woke up.
Work on art?: yes, stained some raccoon skulls with coffee, and one with green tea.  Pretty cocoa colouring on the coffee ones - green tea skull is still soaking.  Soaked an ermine skull in the coffee, and the mandibles in the tea for two different tones.


Other accomplishments: none


Resources, advice, quotes, music, funny stuff:
To study: holism, radical open mindedness, systems psychology, attachment to point of view, social systems, cultural systems, species systems, family systems, gender systems, race systems, marriage systems, corruption - self corruption - origins of - existence of, different perspectives, existentialism, moralising - standards, should-statements, idealism, lying - existence of, self deception, good and evil, forgiveness, understanding, compassion, why rape happens, evil stemming from ignorance, transmogrify “annoying shit” into love somehow, acceptance of evil, unified reality, encroachment, reality as freedom, spiritual purification work, technique - when angry consider other perspective - big picture - dig until hit acceptance - notice how feel - pay attention to small irritating stuff, too

0

Reminder to self:
"Stay warm", be humble, listen to your quietest intuition
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jhGI0X6jhSQ

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Going to take a break from the internet for 10 days.  Starting on the 10th to the 20th.  Oh my goodness… this is going to be so difficult, but it needs to be done.  I’ll fill out my stupid little New Years habits thingamies though and who knows, maybe I’ll make some better habits… and better choices… miraculously, in ten days!  I feel like, like, see, y’all… I’m just a little purple.  It’s a crazy ass world out there being purple and I need to figure out how to survive.  And sometimes I’ll be a red for a while but it feels too egoic, and on the rare occasion I feel like a blue.  If I could get my shit together and live a consistently blue life, I’d be happy.

https://spiraldynamics.org/purple/


Agh… omg.  It’s grow or die off.  I hate this so much.  I should have started changing back when I was a kid but I had no idea life would be like this.  They say that shit can get cemented in your brain by 25, well, I’m 28.  I hope there’s still time.  I feel fuckin’ split up, like… half of my personality is stuck in the subconscious intuitive realm and sometimes it leaks through.  There have been rare occasions where it feels like another person takes over who I am, but not to such a degree that a person with DID has.  More like… my dissociative personality is oddly more adaptable and able to deal with the outside world but at the same time there’s that disconnect.  A good example is that I was at the food bank last week and someone asked me a question and I gave them an answer that wasn’t what they had asked - it fit the situation, but it was like, I’m always thinking.  Nonstop.  Everything is a paradox of, should I do this or maybe that?  Aside from art, everything else is tentative.  Writing feels free too, provided I don’t think of what to say before I write it down.  My mental health got worse when I moved into the city - when I lived in the boonies I could hike for a few hours a day and none of this was a problem.  Things would clear up!  I had a lot of friends, too.

 

But, I wasn’t being mindful of my health.  And this other person inside of me is very scared all the time.  And, I guess I didn’t know.. How… hard it is to change.  I didn’t know that that fear would stick with me in different situations.  Fearful people make other people feel uncomfortable, but an injured dog is another story.  My reactions find their way into other people, it’s embarrassing.  And, I don’t understand myself.  I’m angry that I’m like this.  I don’t want to be like my mother, because she drives everyone around her into madness.  My father seems sick around her, they cognitively crippled me, my brother has issues - he has better executive functioning than me, but is mentally handicapped.  He looks normal as a child in the photographs, though… even my ex pointed that out.

 

I remember what happened.  They hate me for it.  I need their help.  They won’t do it.  I have to grow.  I have to, this is it, there’s nothing else.  If I do manage to grow and get out of this bullshit I’m gunna be wise as all fuck.

 


“Except, the mission was just a made up lie, so who knows if I will ever grow up at all?  And mom’s gone now, so if there’s anything she wanted to teach me it better be in me already.  I guess all I can do is listen to my heart, except that’s what my mother does and she turned out bad.  So what if I turn out bad, too?”

0

Reminder to self:
"Stay warm", be humble, listen to your quietest intuition
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jhGI0X6jhSQ

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*deep breath*. Alright, today's the day.  10 days.  No internet.  I'm really nervous, it means that I will be completely alone.  With just myself... oh my goodness I could just fucking cry at the thought of that.  I don't know what I am going to do with myself!  There's going to be nothing to bounce off of, just me.  I never do the right thing, how will I know what to do?  How is it so easy for other people?  

 

I hate this.  It's not even an addiction to the Internet, or pot or any of that.  It's just ... running, running, running.  From being alone with myself. Chill kitty chill thee thus.  I'm tired of being afraid all of the time.  This is stupid.  There's nothing to be afraid of!  #straycatsyndrome

 

I gotta see someone about this anxiety.  My mom is/was a muncher.  I've internalized that there is something wrong with me as a human being on every imaginable level.  Socially, hypochondria, feel afraid that I'm going to die - the fear of death, all day every day, nonstop.  Addictions to try and forget that. If I dropped my mask and revieled my true self it would be something like, "Aaaaahhhhhhh aaahhhhh oh my god what the fuck is wrong with me, what the fuck is happening to me???!!!!" *race through the house, smash face into the wall, into the mirror, into the bathtub, the corner of the bedpost* *race around some more* "Aaaaagghh fuuuuck!!!!!"

 

I really tried to hold myself together for a long long time.  I should see someone about this but I am afraid of stressing them out.  I just wanna fucking take care of it myself.  My grandmother was a muncher too.  I'll never be able to have kids.  This genetic line needs to die with me.  What if I end up like her???  She destroys everyone!!  She kills everything!!!!  I hate her so fucking much.

 

I have to sit with myself for 10 whole days!  No pot.  No caffeine.  No internet... Just me.  Holy fuck.

 

Mom's spaghetti.  My palms are sweaty.  Vomit on my sweater already.

 

Edited by Babybat
0

Reminder to self:
"Stay warm", be humble, listen to your quietest intuition
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jhGI0X6jhSQ

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1/10/17

 

Days without pot?: 9
Days without caffeine?: 0
Days without complaining?: 0
Meditate?: no
Stretch?: no

Exercise?: no
Wake up on time?: yes
Go to bed on time?: no
Work on art?: yes


Other accomplishments: Got some art supplies, alarm clock - gunna get my sleep schedule in order, bought a cow skull, partial dog mandible, rat skull, full deer mandible and full horse mandible long with a coyote pelt and a full coyote skull.  Hoping to buy some owl pellets and a few more skulls next month.  Maybe a fur or two and a large colourful tapestry for the ceiling.  Thus far, I have those added to my collection along with a rabbit pelt, partial coyote mandible, african porcupine quills, buffalo skull, ermine skull and 6 raccoon skulls.

 

Next month’s shopping: borax solution, food colouring, clear nail polish, bat skulls, gold paint, interference and iridescent acrylics, glow in the dark powder - mix into interference acrylics

https://www.etsy.com/listing/268036990/taxidermy-fruitbat-bat-skull-lots-50-pcs

https://www.etsy.com/listing/111807272/super-phosphorescent-glow-powder-pigment

 

Resources, advice, quotes, music, funny stuff:

This was a good one.

 

 

 

1/11/17

 

I feel really good right now!  Like, pretty normal. :)

 


“Soundstrue, a namaste publishing presents, even the sun will die!”

Where is your God now, bitch?  *soundclip of h3h3's cough hack*

0

Reminder to self:
"Stay warm", be humble, listen to your quietest intuition
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jhGI0X6jhSQ

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Meh, I'm gunna do this self growth stuff on my own.  Any time I try to get myself involved in a community  of any sort, it seems to bring myself farther from myself.  I learn a lot more when I'm completely isolated from people.

I would delete this journal if I could.  I just don't like the idea of people... knowing me.   And then judging me.  I don't want to feel rejected for what I'm dealing with or anything like that.  Too sensitive.  Peace be with you.
 

-Annie

 

Edited by ___
0

Reminder to self:
"Stay warm", be humble, listen to your quietest intuition
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jhGI0X6jhSQ

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