Hitting my lowest ever. Whoever is there, just be with me, I believe in peace.

[Nadosa]

Last days I kinda spiralled down into a thought loop including "that smth inside of me died 4 years ago", "cant relate to anyone" whilst not feeling like I have a self to observe the thoughts, believing that Im my mind. This part was always lingering in the back of my mind. Like I always knew when I focus on this part of my mind I'd go crazy. I could somehow let it pass everytime and stick with the good feeling. But now it has taken the upperhand. Like srsly, I feel like Im destined. I cant handle my thoughts, nor this part of my mind anymore. What freaks me out is that those are MY thoughts meaning Im doomed in my reality. Really im a innocent Guy and I dont know the fuck why Im so obsessed with these thoughts, they create such a distorted perspective of my reality. Its like a part of me died and im so so so prone to believe that.

I feel like Im trapped in thoughts that dont relate to this reality at all, that makes no sense , I feel like Im trapped in the past selfs perspective, like the part that died somehow. I am also trapped in the belief that I may be destined to suffer - because this part was always there even in phases where I felt good, I knew I could switch to it easily, but I intentionally wanted to feel good. Simultaneously I dont know who "I" am. Like everything is so distorted. It was just a matter of time till it explodes like this.

Im also ready to see a doc.

[Human Mint]

Hey, I am sorry to hear that... how is your current lifestyle like?

2 hours ago, Nadosa said:

I am also trapped in the belief that I may be destined to suffer

Don't even believe this because it is not true. If it were true why would you bother to post it in here or to see a doc?

[Nadosa]

I had to take some time off due to recent events in my mind.

So at the moment its particularly getting enough sleep.

[4201]

6 hours ago, Nadosa said:

Last days I kinda spiralled down into a thought loop including "that smth inside of me died 4 years ago", "cant relate to anyone" whilst not feeling like I have a self to observe the thoughts, believing that Im my mind. This part was always lingering in the back of my mind. Like I always knew when I focus on this part of my mind I'd go crazy. I could somehow let it pass everytime and stick with the good feeling. But now it has taken the upperhand. Like srsly, I feel like Im destined. I cant handle my thoughts, nor this part of my mind anymore. What freaks me out is that those are MY thoughts meaning Im doomed in my reality. Really im a innocent Guy and I dont know the fuck why Im so obsessed with these thoughts, they create such a distorted perspective of my reality. Its like a part of me died and im so so so prone to believe that.

That you "can't handle your thoughts" or that you are "obsessed with these thoughts" is also a thought. This struggle between "you" vs "the thoughts" can only happen if you believe there's an issue with your thoughts. This belief/thought that there is an issue is just one more thought, you can stop believing it.

6 hours ago, Nadosa said:

I feel like Im trapped in thoughts that dont relate to this reality at all

This idea that "you are trapped" too is a thought which as you point out feel bad, because it's false. Your feelings/ability to relate are simply indicating you that this thought is not true. 

6 hours ago, Nadosa said:

I feel like Im trapped in the past selfs perspective

You aren't. Stop believing that. Look at what is now.

6 hours ago, Nadosa said:

I am also trapped in the belief that I may be destined to suffer - because this part was always there even in phases where I felt good, I knew I could switch to it easily, but I intentionally wanted to feel good. Simultaneously I dont know who "I" am. Like everything is so distorted. It was just a matter of time till it explodes like this.

Not knowing who you are is entirely OK. Babies are born and they don't know who they are. People grow up and pretend they know but really, most people feel empty inside because part of their self identify is made up. You don't "need" to know who you are, you just are. Focus on the feeling and everything will become clear. Nothing is distorted but the idea that things are "not ok" or "distorted". This idea that your thoughts or belief has been triggered by some "thing" (like a bomb) is also false. You are thinking them right now and you are free to let go.

6 hours ago, Nadosa said:

Im also ready to see a doc.

All help is always good, therapy can be amazingly useful for some people! I also recommend Meditation, an awesome tool to get to the end of thoughts and really understand them.

Edited November 8, 2021 by 4201

[Nadosa]

Woah Ive been carrying the belief with me that smth is wrong with me for so long. Letting it go feels like, death? Wtf.

It feels like letting it go makes me go insane but it switches into a perspective where Im aware of my thoughts. It's like two perspectives battle each other. The trapped perspective feels clearly wrong, tho "smth" inside of me tends to fully go into it and believe it even though it bring's up the worst suffering! Wtf! Like questions come up "how do I know whats true, youve been carrying it around for so long", its like Im not ready to give up the "Im crazy"-identity.

[happyhappy]

32 minutes ago, Nadosa said:

Woah Ive been carrying the belief with me that smth is wrong with me for so long. Letting it go feels like, death? Wtf.

@Nadosa you have been identifying yourself through that notion. it will really feel like death if you attach yourself and cling to that belief.

it won't be easy to let go of a thought spiral that you've been repeating for a long time since it will be latched onto your self image-Ego. you will even feel like you are  going insane  when this egoic self is attacked. 

 

14 hours ago, Nadosa said:

I am also trapped in the belief that I may be destined to suffer - because this part was always there even in phases where I felt good, I knew I could switch to it easily, but I intentionally wanted to feel good. Simultaneously I dont know who "I" am. Like everything is so distorted. It was just a matter of time till it explodes like this

best way as many recommend, inquire into those thoughts and see if they are true for urself. question them. be skeptical about them . meditate on them. at a moment, they will lose control over you and give in.

??

[Nadosa]

True. It feels like death. Wtf. Wtf.

[Nadosa]

Like who Am I then. Does it even matter? Who was even writing all these threads all these years?

[happyhappy]

35 minutes ago, Nadosa said:

Like who Am I then. Does it even matter? Who was even writing all these threads all these years

hmmm, it is important to realize that this is normal. when you question the most grounded beliefs, its gonna feel like LOST and wild.

I've been through the same shit and and you might be feeling like you are losing ground. you will even question your own existence and sanity;all accepted norms and concepts . but, don't fall in to the trap of nihilism tho. 

also, don't fight and suppress your thoughts. let them come. observe them and scrutinize where they  are coming from .other thing is,  see a therapist if you are feeling depressed . 

IMO, this is a normal thing that happens to a lot of ppl. but once your belief system is crashed, it is not easy to get things back. 

I wish you will keep up the work and see the light at the end of the tunnel! 

cheers!