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Nadosa

Somehow tryin to put it into words

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4 years ago my mind pushed me over the edge of rational thinking my way out of suffering - what I was suffering from, I dont know, it was a shift inside of me my mind tried to grasp. Or just thoughts about myself. I dont know.  It's been thoughts about my existence I focused on unconsciously. It was smth so deep that couldnt be grasped by thought anymore. Well it was something that shifted my attention away from thinking to feeling and positive "momentum". But still my mind tried to desperately make sense out of this shift, it wanted to think about it so badly and make it a story.

A shift happened, a painful one, but simultaneously another door opened. Like, I was kinda forced to give up thinking or making sense out of thinking, out of reality, out of me, out of thought I was kinda on the edge of going psych, because I didnt know anything about spirituality, leaving me traumatized. My mind kind of tried to conceptualize the shift "aka Im dying", beliefs were formed, I tried to think my way out of it, making those years the worst ones, suffering wise. I went to the psych ward telling "I dont know, I Just dont know, a part of me dies", knowing that it just is a belief too, I then left because well I didnt know what to do and the next moment I could feel fine even though I know this part is still there. It felt like I had the choice how I felt and somehow it was a burden to decide not to think or like choosing to be happy, having Control over smth i thought i didnt have control over. 

It was like my thinking and mind were over with longer defining myself via thought.

Since that day Ive stuck with the guidance of "feeling positive" and "direct experience". My mind here and there tries to grasp "how and why" it's not "me" and tries to conceptualize the shift via logical thinking, which can cost me times of fear, despair and panic. Basically my sense of self has been kinda whacky since then, my mind tries to grasp everything, once it is listened to.

When I let go of thinking, I am fine, simultaneously I know deep inside my mind and thoughts still try to grasp the shift, which has cost me precious energy ever since. The rational thinking about the shift can make me quite panicky too. Yesterday it took over again trying to make sense out of "me" leaving mind desperately searching for a story of that "self", basically I chose to focus on the thoughts, letting my mind run the show.

And all this is just another Story for my Ego to explain that which I experienced. Whatever. Those times are harsh. So harsh. I hope I will find out someday what I am. Because this is sometimes just awful.

This experience back then can still feel so present while meditating leaving me anxious.

Sure is, that I still and back then didnt have the understanding of what happened. Right now, direct experience is the only thing keeping me "sane". 

I guess thinking too deep about this can lead to fairly much damage (which it indeed does, because I cant stop thinking about that event), since Ive been still trying to think myself out of this which is clearly the worst choice one can do.

How I basically live day by day is via positive momentum. I couldnt grasp "someone" anymore. 

 

 

Edited by Nadosa

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Thank you for sharing ❤️??

Try doing something you love and something that grounds you. 
I really appreciate the forest and the woods. 
Find something that your existence yearns for, a passion. ?


“Life is just a break from an Infinite Orgasm. Prolong your break for as long as you want. Ride that wave. But don’t forget where you're headed.”

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Im quite lost and trapped at the moment.

 

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Ask yourself, who is it that feels lost?


“Life is just a break from an Infinite Orgasm. Prolong your break for as long as you want. Ride that wave. But don’t forget where you're headed.”

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